Breathe Me (A 'Me' Novel)

by Williams, Jeri

  “Harley?”

  Fuck my life a thousand times over. This could not be happening. What are the odds that I’d run into him not only two nights in a row, but also doing the most craziest-looking thing, standing next to a diner with my eyes closed, clearly looking like poor Orphan Annie.

  I tried to pretend that I hadn’t heard Deklan walk up to me. I even tried to squint out of one eye, hoping he would think I was meditating and leave me alone, but no such luck. He was standing right in front of me, smiling.

  Shit, even with my eyes half-open, he was gorgeous.

  “What are you doing?” He cocked his head to the side quizzically.

  “What are you doing?” I asked defensively. I mean, I couldn’t really admit to him how pathetic I was. I was sure he would find out soon enough.

  Smirking that damn sexy smirk, he replied, “I asked you first, but it’s cool. I like to go first. I was just grabbing a quick bite before heading back to my hotel. Your turn.”

  “I…ah…I was just trying to remember if I had my cellphone with me.” I turned away so he wouldn’t see the lie in my eyes.

  “Wrong, you were standing here on the sidewalk smelling the food.”

  My head whipped back around at him. Did I have a sign on me? How did he know that?

  “Relax, I know the look. Want to go grab a bite?” He jutted his head toward the diner.

  “Didn’t you just eat?” I was hungry, but the thought of sitting with him, in public, was…intimidating.

  “Darling, I could eat all day for you.” His eyes slowly perused down my body, making me officially aroused.

  “I’m sure I would let you.” Wait, did I just say that out loud? What the hell was wrong with me?

  “Really now. How about we test that theory?”

  “What?” I asked, shocked. I mean, I guess I was flirting with him, but did he really think I would just go and sleep with him? Had Ember and Matt told him more about me? Did he just want his turn on the Slut Train Express? Last night was a testament to how big of a slut pillow I was. As far as he probably thought, I laid with anyone. Shame immediately hit me. How could I ever think that someone like him would ever be interested in someone like me—the real me?

  “Look, that came out wrong. I’m sorry, I have to go.” I started to walk, but he blocked my path.

  “What did I do? I was just kidding, I swear.”

  “It doesn’t matter because I’m not going to sleep with you.” I needed to leave before I let the hurt overtake me.

  “Whoa, hold up. First, I don’t ‘sleep’ with anyone. I smash then leave, and I don’t apologize for it. Second, who said anything about that now? I asked if I could take you for a bite to eat. That’s all,” he said. “For now.” He smirked.

  “Dinner? That’s all?” I asked skeptically, still standing dangerously close to him. I chose not to tackle the “smash” remark. Sheesh.

  “Like I said, for now.”

  “For now? You’re so sure you’re going to get me in your bed for another notch on your bedpost? Think again.”

  “A notch on my bedpost? Who the fuck even says shit like that? I told you we are going to happen. Stop fighting it, Harley. I know you’re attracted to me.” He leaned down and whispered in my ear, “Your body gives you away every fucking time.”

  I silently cursed my body for this moment and all the moments in the past. My nipples instantly hardened when his breath brushed my ear. He leaned back and looked down at my chest, smirking as if his point was made.

  Overconfident bastard.

  “It’s been cold,” I said, casually crossing my arms over my chest.

  “Sure it has,” he said, giving me a shit-eating grin.

  “I have anemia. I’m always cold,” I shot back. I wished my reaction to him could be explained away by a medical condition. That would be too easy though, and my life was anything but.

  “Look, just let me buy you dinner. I promise I’ll be on my A-game and then take you home. Scout’s honor.” He held up three fingers like he was pledging to me, which I guess he was.

  I simply nodded because I didn’t think I could do or say anything else without looking stupid. He held the door open for me, and my stomach clenched with the aroma. I was starving. He took the lead once inside and led us to a back booth. I slid in across from him and put my hands in my lap because I didn’t know what to do with them. My silly brain kept thinking this was a date, when logically I knew it wasn’t. It couldn’t be.

  “So, Har, tell me your biggest dream.” He smiled at me expectantly.

  I looked in his eyes, and at that moment I wanted to do anything he asked me. Those steel eyes threw me. I wanted to tell him everything but knew I couldn’t.

  This was going to be a long dinner.

  Chapter 10

  Deklan

  My night just got much more interesting.

  After the shittastic night I’d had, all I wanted to do was find some willing bitch or two and sink in.

  Matty had finally caught up to me at my crappy-ass hotel, and after a verbal bitching about how not to fuck up when big brother is trying to close a deal, I gave in and followed him out to go see Mom while she as awake. I drove my baby. Choosing to ride in separate cars would send a message that I could dip the fuck out at any time. That’s just the way I liked it.

  I pulled up and saw the Lincoln parked in its normal spot, in pristine condition as always. I thought about taking my keys and keying the shit out of the side of the shiny white eyesore. My old man lived and breathed that old-ass car, and it would probably send him to an early grave if anything happened to it. Growing up, I knew that touching the Lincoln meant death. Immediately. I had always wanted to touch it and see if the old man would really lose his shit and kill me. Me, not Matt, because Matty was the star child and could do no wrong.

  I was the fuckup.

  “You gonna just stand there and stare at Dad’s car all day, or are you going to come say something to our dying mother?” My brother’s voice cut through my thoughts.

  I cut my eyes at him but didn’t say anything. My shoulder check when I passed him said it all. Bitch.

  I walked in and went straight to where Mom was, nodding my greeting to her nurse.

  “You were already here,” my brother stated when he realized I knew my mother wasn’t in her room but in the study, which was bigger and had been converted to a room for her. Nothing got by this crackpot detective.

  “Yup” was all the explanation I gave, then I silently walked over to the bed were my pale and fragile mother was resting. Her eyes fluttered at the shadow I cast over her face, and she slowly opened her eyes.

  “They say…they say that your senses sharpen when…when you…when it’s your time,” she wheezed out. She was getting oxygen through a nasal tube that wrapped around her ears and went to her nose, but from what I could see, it wasn’t doing shit for her breathing. She still struggled to catch her breath.

  Shit sucked to witness.

  “I heard your car.” She coughed and looked up at me with a weak smile. “I heard your car from down the road, and I told Greta here that my baby boy had come home.”

  “Yeah, Ma. I’m home,” I said gruffly. I acted all hard and shit, but I loved my mom like nothing else, and I didn’t blame her for the shit that went down in this house while I was growing up. She loved me and had done her best.

  “I don’t have long now…” She closed her eyes on a bad cough. I watched Greta come over with a cup and give her some water.

  Fuck, this shit was rough. I saw this shit on TV and heard about it from others, and for the most part, shit just rolled off my shoulders. But this right here? Nope, couldn’t do it.

  “Mom…,” Matty started.

  “No, son, I can feel it. I know, and I’ve made my peace with it. You should, too.” She reached out her hand for him to come closer, and he obliged, leaving his position by the door and coming to stand on the other side of her bed.

  “My boys.” She grabbe
d our hands in both of hers and gave a feeble squeeze to mine. “Matt, can I talk to your brother for a minute?”

  “You should save your strength, Mom,” Matt said, but she sent him a pleading look, so he relented. He let go of her hand and patted it in a placating gesture.

  If Mom was up and good, she would have slapped him on the back of the neck for that move. As it was, she barely had enough strength to lift a hand for water.

  I shot my brother a smug look on his way out, and because I was a dick, I waited until the door closed behind him to agree with him.

  “Ma, he’s right, you should save your strength,” I said. I had no idea why she wanted alone time with me other than to tell me she loved me, and I already knew that. Honestly, it was a little uncomfortable to be there with her nurse in the room and shit, when she was on the verge of…death.

  “You were my first born, my fighter. I remember when they told me I was having a baby boy. I was so happy I came home and told your father, and we picked out your name before we even decorated your nursery.” She took a long breath then continued. “He wasn’t always the way you remember him, Dek. He loved you, still does.” She coughed.

  She would want to have this conversation now, knowing damn well I wouldn’t bounce out because she was literally on her deathbed. My spine stiffened because I knew what she was going to say, and I didn’t want to hear the shit.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t notice what was happening until it was too late.”

  “Ma, don’t.” My jaw tightened. She had told me this a thousand times. I knew that, and I wasn’t faulting her for not doing anything when my fuckhead father would pound his fist into my flesh for no fucking reason other than that I was alive. No, I faulted her for loving him more.

  “No, listen, I know you think I chose him over you, but I didn’t. By the time I knew what was happening, I was too sick to leave him. He is a good man, a husband and father, he just made some bad choices that I didn’t agree with and that cost me to lose my son.” She was getting so winded and had to take longer intervals before speaking again. When she did, it was on a sigh. “I lost my son, and you will never know how sorry I am for that.”

  “You didn’t lose me, Ma. I’m here, aren’t I? I came back for you.” I clenched my fist because she was doing it again—making excuses for him. “Don’t make excuses for that bas—”

  “Deklan.” His voice reverberated through the air, making everyone in the room freeze as his silver gaze bore into my own. It’s my own personal hell that I look so much like the son of a bitch. I fucking hated looking in the mirror and seeing the same eyes that caused me pain all my life staring back at me. It made me want to punch shit. He stalked in, my brother on his heels like a fucking puppy begging for attention, and stopped short at the end of the bed. His stance was much like mine, on the defense, instilling fear in all that challenged him.

  Everyone except me. That asshole couldn’t instill shit in me anymore.

  “Your mother should be resting, not wasting her energy talking.” Royce Kane gave off an aura of superiority that I fucking hated. Being the owner of Kane’s Dry Cleaning, he had about four or five chains in several cities, including Dacula, and in surrounding states. He was used to giving people orders and them being followed. I used to be the dutiful son and all that shit, until I wised the fuck up. Now, he only adopted this tone with me because he knew it irked my fucking nerves.

  “Talking to me, you mean.” I tensed, ready to lay it out all nice and pretty for him. Fuck you, old man.

  “Dek,” Matty said in a warning tone, for whose sake I didn’t know, also didn’t care.

  “It’s okay, Matthew. Your brother obviously has something he would like to say to me that is so important he has to tell me now, while my wife lies dying.”

  I shot a glance at Mom, but she had already fallen back to sleep. Thank God she hadn’t heard that. I didn’t come here to fight with him, especially not in front of her, but since he started it, let’s go.

  I opened my mouth to tell him what the fuck was up, when Greta, the nurse, cleared her throat rather loudly. I had forgotten she was in the room.

  “Why don’t we all—”

  “I’m already gone,” I cut her off. I wasn’t welcome; that was clear. The one person who wanted me there was in and out of sleep, and Matty would always side with Royce. Leaning over, I kissed my mother on her cheek and whispered my good-bye, hoping it reached her wherever she was. I looked my father and brother in the eye for a beat, then walked out hoping this wasn’t the last time I would see my mother.

  After hitting up a bar and getting lollipopped by some blonde chick with violet contacts, I found a shitty-ass diner and was leaving when I spotted something across the street that could make for a promising night.

  Hell yes.

  Chapter 11

  Harley

  “What do you mean my biggest dream?” I asked, hoping to stall.

  “Just like I said. The question is simple enough.” He leaned back and stretched, and I couldn’t help but gawk at the stretch of taut tanned skin that peeked out of his shirt. If this were a cartoon, my eyes would have bugged out, and I would have yelled, “Hubba, hubba, wowzha!”

  I averted my eyes when he stopped, but by the smile on his face, I don’t think I was as inconspicuous as I thought.

  “What’s your biggest dream, then?” I countered.

  “It changes a lot.” He grinned.

  “Well, what is it at this moment, then?”

  “To kiss the shit out of you,” he said, his eyes sparkling.

  “Deklan…,” I whispered, slightly embarrassed. What would he say if I had told him I had never kissed anyone, let alone had the shit kissed right out of me?

  “Okay, I know I gave you my scout’s honor, but that mouth, those lips, need to be kissed or fucked right now.”

  My eyes grew like saucers at his admission. He laughed because I was sure I looked like the cartoon character now.

  “Relax, I can only do one of those things in public, and I just said I was a scout so you would come to dinner with me.”

  “But you…you…” I couldn’t even string together two words. I was so shocked at how easily I believed him and how strangely pleasant his words made me feel.

  “Mellow, babe. I will be on my best behavior until you do something that changes that.” He leaned forward, locking me in his steel prison. I couldn’t help but blush, so I bent my head and started playing with my hair self-consciously. Thankfully, the waitress walked over and slapped two menus down, then looked at us with pen over paid, waiting. Little did she know she was my savior.

  “We’ll take two of the meatloaf platters, a coke, and a…?” He looked at me.

  “Chocolate milk,” I supplied.

  “And a chocolate milk.” He smiled at the waitress, but it did nothing to change her sour face.

  “Be right out,” she grumbled before walking away, taking the menus with her.

  “Well, what is it?” he pushed. Man, he was relentless.

  “What’s what?”

  “Don’t bullshit me, Harley. Answer my question.”

  Fuck, I had hoped he would have forgotten, but no such luck. I considered lying to him, but when I glanced at how intently he was staring at me, I just couldn’t. So I went for vagueness.

  “To be free,” I said, shrinking farther into my seat and hoping he didn’t hear the heaviness behind those words.

  He seemed to process my answer. It was so long before he spoke that I felt I had given the wrong answer to a test. I fidgeted in my seat and looked down at my clamped hands.

  Finally, after leaning back, he tilted his head to the side and asked, “Of what?”

  I shrugged, although I did want to tell him things—like how much I wished he would kiss the shit out of me. I didn’t think he would want to hear what I wanted freedom from. If I said fear, then he would know, and I was selfish enough to know that I didn’t want our time to go away. I would never have this again.
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  “If you could do one thing, what would it be?” He continued to study me without waiting for my reply. Could he see how much I struggled with answering it?

  “What is this, twenty fucking questions?” I didn’t want to answer questions about myself, my dreams and hopes. He would never see me as more than a quick lay, and I, well, I would never see me as more pathetic than allowing it.

  It was all so very pointless.

  “I just want to get to know you, the real you,” he appeased.

  “What do you mean, the ‘real’ me? This is me,” I snapped unnecessarily at him.

  “Somehow I doubt that.” His gaze cut through me like a sharp wind.

  “How would you know? You don’t know me.”

  “Let’s see, you work in a bookstore because you love books, you probably live through them. You’re soft and self-conscious but pretend to be all hard and shit. You have been hurt and are afraid of something or someone, probably the same someone or something that hurt you, and…you’re beautiful, although I’m thinking you don’t think so because no one has told you enough. So how’s that?” He finished with a smugness to his face that should have bothered me, but didn’t.

  I was speechless.

  He read me like an open book, and I suppose I was, to anyone willing to look close enough. No one ever bothered to look at me twice, not even Ember, to figure out it was all an act. Fake. I was a fake, and it took this guy, this insanely beautiful man, who had known me for only a few days to see me. Really see me. It unnerved me. Who was this man?

  “All that proves is that you have stalker tendencies.” I played with my hair again, pulling it over my face to hide the shame I was needlessly feeling all of a sudden. I felt his warm grip lightly on my arm, moving my hand away so that he could look me in the eye.