Breathe Me (A 'Me' Novel)

by Williams, Jeri

  I expected him to curse; it seemed as though he equated cursing to breathing. I also expected silence. There was a lot of that when he took in what I was sure looked like a hot mess. The cuts were all scabbed over, but they were still red and angry, and the hate that was behind them was visible in each one. I expected him to look away because it was gross, I was gross, but when he didn’t, I figured it was because he was fascinated but disgusted and couldn’t look away.

  I lowered my head and focused on my trembling hands and wadded-up T-shirt, too ashamed to look him in the face while he pitied me. I didn’t need to see the regret written all over his face for pushing me to talk or kissing me and making me feel things. I had come to the conclusion in the bookstore that he was exactly like all the bad boys in my books; he was just looking for a quick fuck, and when I didn’t give that to him at his house or failed to make plans to finish, he had moved on to someone else more willing.

  I waited.

  I waited for him to say he would take me home, that he was sorry, because everyone always says they are sorry for things they couldn’t have possibly helped with. I waited for him to say what his father had said, that I was trash, and eventually that I wasn’t worth it. I waited for him to reject me, for him to regret his touch, his attention, himself. But he didn’t say anything.

  So, I waited. I wanted to put my shirt back on as his eyes roamed over my body. I wanted to cover up and make my escape. I felt myself wanting to zone out again, but unlike all those other times, I wanted to remember this, and to remember that this was the reason that I didn’t fit in the world, that I didn’t really belong anywhere, to anyone.

  “Get up.” He spoke so softly I wasn’t sure I heard him.

  He couldn’t be speaking with so much quiet anger in his voice toward me, could he?

  “Get…up,” he said again, harder.

  I slowly rose to my feet and met his eyes and gasped. They were dark as obsidian. I expected him to be angry or revolted even, but he was…“angry” wasn’t even the correct word for it. I had only ever seen one person this mad, and that usually followed with a fist to the back or head. I wasn’t good with anger, and even though he had told me not to, I flinched.

  “Goddammit, Harley, stop fucking doing that shit around me. I told you I wouldn’t fucking hurt you,” he seethed.

  “I’m sorry.” I turned my head away and tried to focus on the shitty hotel wallpaper while preparing myself for the onslaught of emotions that was sure to come. I had clung to him in the short amount of time I knew him and formed a one-sided emotional connection with him that I was going to regret having ever done.

  “And stop fucking apologizing!”

  “I don’t know what you want me to say or do. I can’t help but to flinch or apologize. I’ve made you angry.”

  “No, you’ve pissed me the fuck off,” he stated matter-of-factly, but I didn’t miss the waver in his voice, his fight for calm. “Who did this to you?” He pushed off the wall and stalked over to me with intent, and I knew that if I backed away, I would piss him off even more.

  He stopped inches from me, arms at his sides, his stance wide and expectant. If I was going to do this, I might as well go all in, right?

  “My mother,” I said, and it hit me that I’d never told this to anyone, not even admitted it to myself, because up until this moment, I had let myself believe that she wasn’t really like that; a mother was supposed to love and nurture you, not the other way around. But admitting it aloud was…hard.

  “What?” he asked, as if asking me to repeat it would be cake.

  “I said—”

  “I heard you. I just…how long?”

  “How long what?” I asked dumbly.

  “Harley,” he warned.

  “Since I could store memory, all right?”

  “And you didn’t tell anyone, a teacher, a friend, a family member?”

  There it was, the judgment. The accusation that I didn’t want it to change. No one would understand why I stayed, why I continued to stay. Unless they lived it, they wouldn’t get it. I heard people say all the time that they would leave if something like what I lived ever happened to them, only they couldn’t know that unless they actually lived it.

  So I shrugged my shoulders and gave him a lame “I don’t know.”

  “Bullshit,” he spat.

  “Why are you so angry?”

  “Why are you avoiding the question?” he countered. When I only shrugged and turned my head away, he moved in closer and did something that shocked and warmed me. He gently reached out and caressed my chin and pleaded softly, “Please?”

  Ever had a gorgeous man plead with you? If you have, you’ll find that you’ll give him anything he asks for. Despite me not wanting to tell him, I found my mouth moving and my voice telling him everything.

  “Because I have no one. I have never had anyone. No one to complain to, no teachers or family or friends. No one cared about me enough to ask, not even my own mother. I was a no one, am no one. And to answer your follow-up question before you ask, that’s why I stay. Where does one like me go? My life has been nothing but hurt and pain and disappointment. How does a person live after that?”

  I wasn’t a crier by choice. I learned a long time ago that crying did nothing when no one was there to comfort you, and the times when it all became too much, I let it all out and comforted myself. But Deklan’s touch and gentleness released something in me, and once one tear fell with my first words, it was like a catalyst for all the others that I had been swallowing over the years to fall as well. And just like that, once I was done, the tears subsided but I felt weighted down by all the emotions and my head was cloudy. I didn’t even notice when Deklan moved me to sit back on the bed. With me still in only my bra and pants, he used his shirt to dry my face. Then he stood and pulled the back of his shirt off and turned around, exposing his back and what looked like little half-moon scars.

  “Deklan…” My voice trailed off, because I knew those scars. I knew that they came from a belt buckle. Knew the pain from having it hit over and over.

  “How do you live? You just fucking do.”

  I got up, moving closer, and stared at his scars. They were a little lighter than the rest of his skin, almost faded in, but you could see them and the hate that was injected into making each one. I reached out and lightly touched one closest to me on his lower back, tracing it with my fingers.

  “What happened?” I asked.

  “Nah, babe, it’s not my day for show-and-tell. I only showed you because you needed to see that people go through shit and come out stronger for it so that no one fucks with them again,” he said, his voice slightly shaking, either with anger or conviction, I couldn’t tell.

  I was speechless—which wasn’t saying much, because he often rendered me speechless—and went to examine his back more when he turned around and crushed his mouth to mine so fast all I could do was sink into him.

  “Let me make you come,” he said in between kisses as he pulled me closer. Maybe it was the fact that I was strung out on emotions, or the fact that I had wanted him to do this since the moment I met him, or maybe I was just tired of not being a willing participant in my life, but whatever the reason, I breathed out a “yes.”

  Chapter 27

  Deklan

  I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing. When she showed me her chest, then dropped that bomb on me about her ma being the one doing that shit to her, that knocked me on my ass in a big way. If only she knew how similar we really were, like kindred fucking spirits and shit. I was smart enough to see that this connection we had was probably the reason I couldn’t fucking stay away from her, the reason I wanted to keep her safe. I knew that if I didn’t give her something, some hope that I wasn’t going treat her like her mom, that she would pull that zone-out shit and be done.

  I had to do some shit I’d never done.

  My scars.

  As faint as they were, I knew she saw them when she gasped and said my name.
I had never let anyone get close enough to me to see them, and if they did see them, they didn’t ask. Most females were more concerned about what I could do with my dick, not who fucked up my back. My brother didn’t even know about them, and left to me, he never would. The only person who knew about them was the fucker who put them there, and he hadn’t touched me since.

  I was so out of my element with her, basically baring my damn soul to her, I felt the need to claim her, to solidify this messed-up connection I felt we had. I had to do something, or I was going to fuck her and I would be animalistic. I was thinking about taking another cold shower because the last thing she needed was me basically mauling her, even though I knew she wanted me, but then I felt her soft touch on my back and that was it. Her touch was like a straight shot of Jack, warming my body from the inside out and waking up my dick that had taken a vacation south when all the heavy shit was in the air.

  I couldn’t help but claim her mouth, the mouth that I had been wishing was wrapped around my dick last night. The last few times that I had kissed her, she was new and timid, testing my lips against hers, giving up all control. Now when I claimed her mouth, she moved her lips with mine, giving back as much as I was taking, turning the kiss into a needy, primal one that I responded to the only way I knew how.

  “Let me make you come.” I hoped she wouldn’t hear the pathetic fucking desperation in my voice and shy away. There was a fifty-fifty chance she would shy away anyway, but fuck it, I was a risk taker and it paid off.

  She breathed her reply, and I wasted no time backing her up until she stopped at the edge of the bed and moving my hand to cup her cheek and hold her into place. I could kiss her mouth for days, but my body was demanding that I do something else first. Dropping to my knees in a flash, I kissed every inch of her smooth creamy stomach while she stood there stiffly. I needed her to loosen up; otherwise, this could scar her, and she’d had enough of that shit. I grabbed her hands that were balled into fists at her sides and lifted them, placing them on my head and letting her get the feel of touching me while I licked, bit, and nibbled at her skin. When I felt her hands tighten on my head, I knew she was feeling it, and when she started to shift her thighs, I knew she was ready for more.

  My fingers went to the button of her jeans, and I undid them and slid them, along with her panties, halfway down her thighs before she even realized it. Her pussy aligned with my mouth, and the little beads of moisture excited me even more. I slid a finger up her opening and placed my hand on her hip when she jumped at the contact.

  “Shhh, relax. I got this,” I said calmly, then slipped my finger in my mouth, tasting the salty, tangy taste that was unique only to her.

  “Deklan,” she panted, her body tensing with what I knew was need. I knew because mine was doing the same thing. I longed to sink deep into her and get lost for days. Fuck, I had never tasted pussy like hers before. I knew she was going to be raw, but this…I grabbed her hips and eased her as gently as I could onto the bed, then slid her clothing off the rest of the way. I wanted nothing in my way.

  “Your pussy is prefect,” I said. I was sure I heard her squeal as I stuck my nose deep in her folds and inhaled her musky aroma that I had been wanting to drown in since the first time I smelled her. Shit, never did that before, but how could I not when she smelled so amazing?

  Her natural reaction to my nose in her pussy was to close her legs, locking my head in place, which normally I was all for, but I needed her to trust me, to look at me and know that I only wanted to make her feel good.

  I pulled her legs apart, freeing myself, then kissed her inner thighs all the way to her shoes, which I tore off before heading back up. Her eyes were squeezed shut, and her hands were grabbing at the sheets. Yeah, she was definitely feeling it—that feeling that if something more didn’t happen, you would burst. That feeling was the high before the release; it was what had my dick so hard it was painful. I grabbed my dick and massaged it through my jeans, trying to get some relief, but who was I kidding? I knew what I needed to get some relief.

  “I want to feast on your pussy. You good with that?” I asked, knowing it was a dick move on my part. She was so far gone, she would have agreed to anything I asked her. But I needed her to tell me she wanted this, wanted me as much as I wanted her. She nodded her head, but her body was still tense.

  “Look at me, Harley,” I commanded. She lifted her head and stared at me as I slowly dipped my tongue into her center, gaining a moan from her while never breaking eye contact.

  “That’s it. Let me in, baby.” I licked once more, deeper, and I felt her legs ease up a little. “Shit, you’re so wet for me.” I licked again, savoring the taste of her in my mouth.

  She moaned louder and started moving her ass up in anticipation of my tongue. I eased her legs apart wider until she had her glistening center on full display for me.

  Perfect.

  I placed my mouth on her hot center and sucked her hard clit, flicking it with my tongue, making her bow up off the bed. I should have paused, gave her a fucking minute to get used to this, but once her hand slipped onto my head and gripped, grinding her sex into my face, I was fucking done trying to ease her into this. I reached down and unzipped my jeans, then stroked my erection in front of her. I was so close.

  I pumped my dick one more time, then reached up and took her clit in between my fingers and applied a small amount of pressure while slipping a finger inside of her. Her pussy clenched and convulsed around my finger as I massaged it from the inside. That was all it took to have her going off like a fucking rocket. Her juices squirting in my mouth was the best fucking foreplay I’d ever had.

  “Holy shit,” she breathed. “That felt, I feel…I feel…”

  “Yeah, I know.” I tore out of my jeans, then fitted myself onto her still shaking body. Her opening rubbed against my dick, lubricating it with her wetness.

  “Harley, I need to feel you.” I had never wanted to be inside of someone so much.

  “Okay,” she said, looking at me with fire in her eyes that I knew I’d put there. She pulled me down to her mouth and kissed me with an intensity I shouldn’t have put a stop to, but fuck me, I couldn’t wait much longer. For someone who had never been kissed before me, she caught on quickly, and it was hot as shit that she was kissing me while her pussy juice was still wet on my lips. The kiss was biting and pulling of lips, caressing and sucking of tongues, mixed with pants and moans. I was about ready to turn into a teenage boy and come just from the friction of her rubbing her pussy against my dick and kissing, all before I actually fucked her.

  I reached over to the nightstand, pulled out a condom, and slipped it on. As I nudged her legs apart wider with my knees, I rubbed her clit with my thumb once more, then sank into her on a hard thrust. I caught her cry in my mouth as I kissed her, wanting to move but this time not being a dick and giving her time.

  “Shit, you’re choking me, babe.” Her sex gripped me tightly, making me question all the other times I’d had sex, because they had never felt this good.

  “It feels…I feel pressure. Is that a good thing?” she asked, her brows pinched together underneath me.

  “So fucking good.” I slowly eased out, almost leaving her completely before I slid back in. Her pussy jumped, pulling me in a little deeper. Shiiiiit.

  “Better?” I eased out again and slid back, watching her features turn from that of discomfort to pure desire.

  “Yes,” she breathed. “More.”

  I repeated the motion until she moved in time with me, forcing me to go slow when all I wanted was to plow into her over and over, making her scream my name so loud the people outside on the street would hear her. I wasn’t the kind of guy who drew shit out. I’d get in, get off, and get out. But with her, I wanted to stay in and never leave so that no one would take my place. Crazy shit, I know.

  “Deklan…harder,” she panted with desire.

  “Yeah?” I asked as I slid back in again.

  “Yes,” she moan
ed. “Please, faster, harder.”

  Getting up on my knees, I wrapped her legs around my waist, telling her, “Hang on and don’t go.”

  She just released the animal.

  Chapter 28

  Harley

  Deklan screamed dirty sex. Wild, passionate, raw, dirty sex, and the fact that he was going slow for me solidified a place in my heart for him. But I didn’t want slow. I wanted the passionate kiss, the sweaty bodies, and the sex so hard it was painful, the good painful. I wanted all of that with him.

  He wrapped my legs about his waist, and after warning me not to let go, he lifted me up, never breaking eye contact, and propped me against the wall. Cupping my ass cheeks in his hands, he spread them wide and pushed me down hard, impaling me deeper onto his erection. Holy shit, I felt full and stretched but in a good way, and I didn’t mind the slight burn I was feeling. I had known sex would hurt—it was written in every book I’d ever read about a virgin having sex for the first time—but sex with Deklan didn’t hurt in that kind of way. It felt more like a slow burn, a fire he ignited. Don’t get me wrong, he was huge. I had seen pictures, and I knew the average-sized penis, and his was well above average. No, the burn I felt was just the start.

  I had just enough time to wrap my arms around his shoulders before he began moving in and out with such ferocity I swear I heard him growl, and that burn gave way to a whole new feeling, a feeling I wanted more of. Each time he slammed back into my core, it caused me to move farther up the wall. I felt him give me a piece of himself with each thrust, making me feel things I had never felt before. I felt nothing but him, no pain, no guilt, just him. The faster he moved, the harder his thrusts became, but I wanted more, needed more.

  “You feel so fucking good,” he growled, sweat dripping off his nose. His body was nothing but tightly packed muscles, and I looked down where our bodies were connected, watching him take me.