Bitter Sweet Love

by R. C. Stephens

  I looked hard at Ashley. I didn’t want to have this conversation with Mom. “It’s Dylan next door,” I said through gritted teeth.

  “Oh, really?” she asked, evaluating her chipped nail polish. “I’m not surprised. I always expected you two to get together. I’ve noticed the way he looks at you.”

  And that was it. Although I had to admit that I was surprised that she managed to notice that through her drunken stupors. Thinking of Dylan caused a warm fuzzy feeling to erupt in my stomach, and I didn’t want to let anyone take that away from me.

  Mom left the kitchen with her cup of coffee and went up to her room. Ash and I both headed upstairs to do our homework.

  I picked up the phone to call Dylan. Speaking about him made me miss him.

  “Hello,” Dylan said on the other line.

  “Hey, Dylan.”

  “Lexi.” He breathed out, sounding happy to hear my voice. I loved feeling wanted by him. I craved being close to him all the time.

  “My mom got home from her trip just now.” I sighed. This wasn’t a good thing. I liked having the house to ourselves where it was peace and quiet around here for the first time in my life.

  “Do you want to come over with Ash? You guys can eat dinner here,” Dylan asked, and I could hear the hope in his voice. I didn’t know what I would do without him. He was my lifesaver.

  Our house wasn’t violent anymore, but after everything we had experienced, it would never be a happy place. Mom had made no effort to rectify anything with us.

  I walked over to Ash’s room, and we grabbed our backpacks and meandered over to the Priestley’s for dinner and homework. We rang the doorbell and Dylan opened the door, wearing the same pair of blue jeans and black t-shirt he’d had on in school today. But his dark brown hair looked a little ruffled. He must have been lying down. Ashley walked past me into the house. Probably in search of Riley and Noa. When she left the entranceway, Dylan placed his hand on my waist and kissed my lips. His hot mouth on mine woke my raging teenage hormones, and I couldn’t think of dinner at all.

  “Do you, uh, want to go down to the basement?” Dylan asked, flushing a bit.

  I nodded. I definitely wanted to go down there. We had been having hot and heavy make out sessions down there for the past two weeks. Dylan’s mom must have had a clue what we were up to because she had forbidden the girls from ever coming down there.

  Dylan sauntered down first and I followed him carrying my backpack, so it looked like we planned to do our homework. The moment I reached the bottom of the stairs, Dylan spun around, grabbing me by the waist. I let out a laugh. I loved his playfulness. He claimed my lips. His mouth was warm, and I loved the way his tongue swirled with mine. It sent heat in between my legs and I felt myself growing needy for him. With his lips still on mine, he began to walk so I was walking backwards.

  “To the couch,” he mumbled between our heated kiss.

  I allowed him to guide me backward until I felt the couch connect with the backs of my knees. Dylan slowly lowered me down and climbed on top of me, propping himself up with his hands. His body was still, pressed flush with mine, and the feeling was foreign, warm, welcoming, loving and I felt lost. Lost in Dylan, lost in the heat of the moment. I was soaked between my legs, but he didn’t touch me there. He slid his hand under my shirt and gently caressed my breasts. A moan escaped my lips, and I could feel his lips tug up at the corners through our intense kissing.

  My hips ground into his. He was so hard down there. I hadn’t touched him yet, and he hadn’t touched me. We were almost eighteen and this was so ridiculous. I knew he wasn’t a virgin. I spoke with Emily when we got back from the chalet and she gave me the sex talk. I’d never had an orgasm before, and I was dying to know what earth shattering really meant. I ground my hips into Dylan one more time and he gasped, “Lex, we need to slow down here, or else I won’t be able to hold myself together.”

  I knew what he was referring to. I was wound up so tight I would explode if he didn’t touch me soon.

  “Uh, Dylan, one second. I, uh, need to ask you something.”

  “Sure, what is it?” he asked curiously.

  I took a deep breath and let it out. “I want more. I want to touch you more, and I want you to touch me.”

  Dylan’s face went from looking horny to completely heated. Leaning closer to me, he asked, “Are you sure that’s what you want? I don’t want to push you.”

  Having him so close to me sent longing through my entire body. “It’s what I really want. I don’t know how much more I can take if you don’t touch me,” I said insistently.

  That’s all he needed to hear. He unbuckled my jeans, kissing me hungrily, then slid one finger inside me. I could see him assessing me, always cautious, but it felt so good that a moan escaped my lips. It was enough to let him know that I needed us to be together.

  “Shit, Lex, you’re soaked.” He slid a second finger inside me, pumping me, circling my soft spot just above with his thumb. I cried out, absorbing the ecstasy of the moment. The feeling was completely foreign to me, but oh so welcome.

  “Lex, you’re going to feel like you’ll want to scream, but I need to keep you quiet. I don’t want everyone upstairs hearing you,” he said, his voice raspy.

  “Sorry, it just feels good,” I murmured between moans.

  “Don’t be sorry. It’s extremely sexy.” He pumped me hard with his fingers and those sexy blue eyes stared into mine, melting me. I came over his fingers, breathing fast. The look on his face was one of pure lust, and his breathing was fast, too, so he must have felt turned on. So that was what Emily meant by earth shattering. I wanted to do that all the time with him. Wow! I reached over to unbuckle his jeans, wanting to give him the same explosive feeling, and he placed his hand on mine, trying to stop me. “Uh, are you sure about this?”

  I lifted his hand away, giving him a smug grin. “I’m very sure. Let me do this for you. Just sit back and enjoy.” I pumped his dick up and down, and I could tell by the look on his face that he liked it. His breathing quickened and his head fell back.

  “Slow down. You’re totally turning me on,” he said, trying to ease the pace with his hand. His blue eyes were smoldering and I felt turned on all over again. I didn’t know I would have this reaction.

  “Okay.” I nodded. That’s when I did something he wasn’t expecting. I lowered my head and put his dick in my mouth.

  He let out a moan. “Shit, that hot tongue feels so good.” His hands rubbed my hair gently in circles. His excitement was turning me on, again.

  “I think I’m going to come.”

  “It’s okay. You can come in my mouth,” I replied, surprising him.

  That was all he needed to hear. Dylan groaned as I took in his length, licking and sucking him hard. Then he stiffened, pouring warm liquid down my throat, his head falling back in pure ecstasy. Emily had warned me that I may not like it, but I did. I loved the taste of him.

  “Shit, Lex, that was the best blow job I’ve ever had,” he said, pulling me in close to him.

  After that afternoon, our make out sessions took on a whole different life. I wanted his dick inside me so bad. Dylan didn’t agree, saying he had to keep my virtue intact.

  Chapter 11

  Birthday Bliss

  January 12, 2006

  January twelfth, the night of Dylan’s eighteenth birthday, Ash and I crossed over the snow covered lawn in our winter boots and warm winter jackets. Dylan’s mom made a huge family dinner of roasted chicken and garlic mashed potatoes. She was such a good cook. For dessert she baked his favorite chocolate fudge cake and wrote “Happy Eighteenth Birthday, Dylan” on top with blue icing. I wanted to be Belinda Priestley when I grew up.

  It was a school night so I brought my back pack along. Although the truth was that Dylan and I never did homework together. I was always stuck doing my homework late at night after I got home from his house. After dinner Dylan and I excused ourselves, him mumbling that we had some work to do. On
ly this time he didn’t lead me down the stairs. He took my hand, guiding me up to the second floor. Excitement rushed through me as I anticipated he had something new planned for us.

  His room was masculine, with dark wood flooring and furniture. He had a desk with a bulletin board above with pictures of all our friends. He locked the door behind him and a sexy smile splayed across his perfect features. He strode over to the bed slowly.

  “Lie on the bed, Lex,” he said in a very sweet but commanding voice.

  My body was on fire. Would this be it? Would he finally cave and have sex with me?

  I lay down on his large poster bed. Dylan crawled over me, lowering my leggings and underwear. I felt exposed but comfortable with him. My heart hammered in my chest and my body ached in all the right places.

  “You’re going to have to be quiet for this, Lex. I put some music on, but I don’t think it’ll help much.” He opened my legs, and I cringed a bit. I was super self-conscious. Lowering his head between my legs, he licked the sweet spot, and all reason flew out the window. I moaned, moving my hips in rhythm with his tongue.

  “You taste so good, Lex. Better than I ever imagined.” He groaned.

  I panted and tried to whisper. “Dylan, I’m going to come.”

  “Come for me, baby.” His words sent me over, and I came so hard that I felt the earth shudder beneath me. I shuddered again and exploded.

  “Dylan?”

  “Yes, babe?”

  “You were wrong.”

  Dylan squinted.

  “You said this would hold me over, that it would satisfy me, and I wouldn’t need you inside me. You were wrong. I want you now more than I ever did. I need you inside me now.”

  He brushed his fingers through his hair and bit his lip. “We need to wait. I want our first time together to be special, something that we’ll always remember. Just think what a good story we have to tell our children one day about how we got together on Christmas Eve.”

  “That’s very sweet, Dylan, but I can’t have kids. You know how messed up my life is, how bad my parents are. What happens if I did the same thing? I could never forgive myself,” I told him, my heart racing in my chest at the mere thought. Was it wrong of me to want to be with him when we didn’t want the same things?

  Dylan moved in close to me, tucking his hand under my chin so I was looking into his eyes. “I don’t ever want to hear you talk like that. You’re the best person I know. You’ve been taking care of your sister since I can remember. Don’t ever think bad of yourself. You’re my angel.”

  I wanted to believe him, but after everything I’d been through, it was a farfetched dream.

  “Okay, let’s set prom night as the night that I take your virginity.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Geez, Dyl, you make it sound like you’re robbing me.”

  “I kind of feel like I am.” He lowered his head.

  “I love you, and I want to show you. This is love, only love.” I tried to reassure him by running my hand along his jaw toward his chin. You would have thought that he was the virgin here and not me.

  “I know. I love you, too. That’s the only reason I’m agreeing.”

  “So prom night?”

  “Prom night.”

  Prom night couldn’t come soon enough. My self-control was quickly vanishing.

  Chapter 12

  Once a Runner Always a Runner

  End of September 2012

  I don’t usually go for runs, but it was the only way to get Luc out of the apartment. But now that I have, I realize that running clears my mind. I get back to the apartment completely drenched in sweat.

  “Shit, Lex, I didn’t know you were a runner¸” Anna says, sitting on the bar stool in the kitchen, drinking coffee.

  “What do you mean?” I ask, my chest still heaving. I grab a face towel from the closet. My legs sting. I’m so out of shape.

  “It looks like you just ran a ten kilometer marathon.” She waves her hand up and down in front of me.

  “I’m not.” I shrug and wash my face with some cold water from the kitchen sink and drops trickle down my neck.

  “I know. So what’s eating at you, or should I say who?” She chuckles to herself.

  “Very funny.” I roll my eyes at her and pat my face dry.

  She gets up from the stool and knocks me in the shoulder. “Actually the cries coming from your room last night sounded like someone enjoying herself,” she says as she grabs a grapefruit from the bowl on the counter.

  “Shit, you heard us? Sorry about that.”

  Anna smiles. “No worries. What’s going on, though? You seem really freaked out,” she asks while cutting the grapefruit and offering me a piece.

  I take the grapefruit and enjoy the refreshing sweet and sour taste. I sit on a stool beside her at our breakfast nook. “Luc stayed the night sleeping in my bed. You know I don’t do sleepovers, and it stressed me out all night. I didn’t sleep. Then this morning he’s all sweet, wanting to get to know me, telling me about his family. It’s all so Brady Bunch, and I think I’m going to vomit,” I say, feeling any semblance of control in my life slipping through my fingers. He stayed the night without my permission. He’s crossed too many lines.

  With sarcasm in her tone, Anna says, “Poor girl has a supermodel interested in her who wants to get to know her better and she’s pouting.”

  “It’s not funny, Anna. We don’t do relationships. Period. You know that. I wish this guy would leave me alone. He’s only going to complicate my life.”

  “So cut him off cold turkey.”

  I know Anna’s right. That’s exactly what I need to do, but there’s something about him I can’t shake.

  I rub my temples with my fingers. “The guys I usually hook-up with are only interested in my body and sex. Luc seems genuine, and that first night he didn’t let me even touch him. He also saved me from Kyle. I kind of feel like maybe I asked for it because the guys know I’m easy.”

  Anna pulls my chin up so I’m looking at her. “Don’t ever think that, Bandita. No should always be no and you don’t need to convince me of anything. Maybe your hookup days are over. Follow what’s in your heart, and I’m sure everything will work out in the end.”

  ”I guess. Maybe I’ll be barefoot and pregnant by the end of the year.” I laugh.

  “Yeah, when pigs fly,” Anna responds.

  Maybe I need to give him a chance. Give myself a chance.

  “What Luc wants would probably attract any normal girl. He’s smoking hot, but seriously, I haven’t had one normal relationship my whole life. I feel so fucked up right now, Anna. What should I do?”

  She looks back at me sympathetically. “Honestly, Bandita, you’re surprising me, but it seems like you want to try to get to know him. So maybe your gut instinct is telling you something.”

  I laugh darkly. “My gut instincts are useless. I can’t read people when it comes to my own feelings.”

  “Maybe, you just need to have a little faith then,” she says, biting at the corner of her lip.

  I think I’ve made her nervous. This is way out of our normal range of conversation. But I feel my desperation ripping through me, and I can’t deal with it on my own right now. “This is coming from the queen of one night stands?” I lift my head up to look at her.

  “Just because it’s my way of life doesn’t mean that I don’t want more one day. I’m just so screwed up I don’t think anyone will ever want me.”

  My heart breaks when I listen to Anna. I understand where she’s coming from, though, because I see the same bleak future.

  “You know what? You’re wrong, Anna. You love me and I love you, and we watch out for each other. So we are capable of love. And I also love Ash.”

  “That’s different, Lex. There’s no sex involved with us. Sex ruins everything.”

  I have to agree with her on that point. If the past has taught me anything, it’s that sex really does ruin things.

  I spend the rest of the day going
to classes. I can’t shake Luc out of my head, and it’s frustrating. By the late afternoon I’m mentally and physically drained. Back in the apartment I fall on my soft gray linen couch, my body molding into the plush cushions. I use the Mexican throw pillows on each corner for my head and one for my feet. I grab the remote control and turn on the large screen LCD smart TV that Anna and I purchased a few months back. It’s worth every dollar. This is the only area of the apartment I like to be in to clear my mind. I turn on the television, hoping to catch up on a Vampire Diaries episode I missed when my phone beeps in my back pocket with a text from Luc:

  Alexis, would you and Anna like to go out clubbing with Callen and me tonight? It will be lots of fun. Easy night. ;) Let me know. Luc

  Crap, he’s already texting. I look around for Anna, but I can’t see her. I hear a noise coming from her room so I shout, “Anna, Luc just texted! He’s going with Callen to a club tonight. Do you want to join them?” Before she has a chance to reply, I say, “I don’t think we should. I need to go out and sleep with someone else so I know this isn’t a relationship.”

  She shouts back, “So why are you asking me if you don’t want to go? Just tell him tomorrow night or something! I’m not ready for Callen again either!”

  I reply to Luc:

  Sorry, Anna and I already have plans tonight. How about tomorrow?

  Luc: Okay, sounds good. We can pick you guys up.

  Alexis: That’s okay. We can meet you there. Where to?

  Luc: Tryst Night Club?

  Alexis: Great. See you there tomorrow. 10:00?

  Luc: Sure.

  Anna walks out of her room, her hair covered in a towel. “So what’s the plan?” she asks.

  “We’re meeting them at Tryst tomorrow night,” I tell her.

  “He offered to pick us up, didn’t he?” she asks, narrowing her eyes at me.

  “Yeah, he did, but it makes things more serious that way.”

  I can smell the acrid scent of hair dye. “What color are you dyeing your hair?” I ask.