Bitter Sweet Love

by R. C. Stephens

  “No, Ash said she heard something about backrooms.” I wave my hand at her. I’m tired. I need to sleep.

  “Maybe you should call him on it?” Anna suggests, holding on to my shoulder for support. I feel like I’m going to fall over.

  “Yeah, Anna, I’m going to go up to Luc and say, ‘So are you a criminal?’ That would go over well. Honestly, Dylan has lost it. I turned him down tonight. I can’t sleep with him again.” The minute the words leave my mouth, I regret them. I never told Anna about my car tryst with Dylan.

  “What the fuck, Lexi? You slept with Dylan? When?”

  “The day after Thanksgiving. It was no big deal, okay? We needed closure, and now Dylan wants more. He doesn’t realize that we can never be, so he’s trying a different tactic, that’s all.”

  “Fuck, Bandita, that’s messed up shit,” Anna mumbles.

  “Okay, go to sleep. I need my bed right now. Maybe things will be clearer in the morning. Besides Luc said he’ll be here in the morning to plan our trip.” I wave her off and get into my bed, still wearing my black dress. Anna follows me to my room.

  “You’re still going away with him?”

  Of course I’ll go away with him. I just finished telling her that it would never work with Dylan. The blood drains from her face like she’s scared or something. I don’t have a chance to answer her.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Bandita. You heard how he spoke to you tonight. He has a bad temper, the way he was swearing. I didn’t like it, Lexi. He scared me.”

  After everything that happened with Dylan tonight I somehow managed to block that incident out of my mind. I understand her concern, but Luc was stressed out. I don’t think he’s actually violent. I should be able to sense that having had to live with it for so long.

  “No worries, Anna. I’m sure it was nothing. He was just stressed. I need sleep. Seriously.” I close my eyes. I have bigger things to think about. Like Dylan Priestley.

  Is Dylan right? Should I be worried about Luc? Can I ever be good for Dylan? My inner voice scolds me. How can I be good for Dylan when I’m not good for myself? I have so much shit to work out. I’m sick of running, but the truth is so much harder to face.

  With Luc, I know what I’m getting into. We understand each other. He understands my past, and I think his demons are similar to mine. Below his shrewd confidence is a man filled with self-doubt. There is something consoling about having that commonality. He says he loves me and I hope that one day I’ll be able to love him back. For now it’s fun and easy. He hasn’t pushed any further commitment on me, and things are great the way they are. We’ll go away, have fun, take things one day at a time. That’s really all I’m capable of right now.

  I still have one more year of articling anyway. I can’t get more serious than I already am. Despite my strong arguments for staying with Luc, I fall asleep thinking of Dylan, the man who holds my heart in his hands. And he’s exactly who I dream of.

  Chapter 28

  The Unknown

  “Alexis, mon cherie, wake up. I have a surprise.”

  Luc is sitting on my bed, lightly shaking my shoulders. My eyes feel like they’re glued shut. I had a hard time falling asleep last night with all my thoughts running through my mind.

  “What is it, Luc? I’m exhausted,” I say, sounding a little more irritated than I mean to.

  “Come on, I have news. Wake up.”

  I stayed up half the night making a mental list of reasons why Dylan and I would never work. Then I spent the other half dreaming about having sex with him.

  “Would you wake up already? I booked our trip,” he says, his voice filled with excitement.

  “For real?” I open one eye slowly, then the other.

  “Yes, for real.” He has a smile plastered across his face. He looks bright and shining, his usual intensity dissipated.

  “Where are we going?” I ask, rubbing my eyes and stretching out my arms.

  “I’m not telling you. It’s a surprise, but we leave one week today.”

  “Yay! I’m so excited.” I sit up in bed and throw my arms around his neck. I really am pumped about

  this. He leans in to give me a kiss. I oblige him, but I don’t feel like I want to take things further. He probably wants to get laid, but I’m having a hard time focusing on sex right now when I still have the memory of Dylan so fresh in my mind.

  “Luc, I don’t really have time for anything right now. I need to get ready for class. Exams start soon, and

  I’ve got a week from hell coming up.”

  “Followed by two weeks in paradise,” he says.

  “Sounds perfect, but I really do need to get moving.”

  “Okay, I’ll come by later.” He softly kisses my neck and I get out of bed. His kiss doesn’t send shivers

  through my body the way it usually does, but maybe my ego is still hurt from his comments last night.

  Luc leaves for work and I wonder if he can sense my change of heart. I saunter out to the kitchen in my

  pajamas, feeling sluggish and confused.

  “Hey, Bandita, I just made a fresh pot of coffee. Help yourself.”

  “Thanks.”

  “You don’t have class until eleven, which tells me you were ditching him.” Anna’s checking me out from top to bottom, obviously conducting some inner analysis of my emotions.

  “Okay, what are you thinking? Spill it,” I demand and grab a cup of coffee.

  “Nothing really. Just Dylan wasn’t how I expected him to be, that’s all. The picture you painted of him cheating on you, I don’t know. I assumed he would be different.”

  I roll my eyes at her. All women are putty when they meet him and she’s apparently not an exception. “Do you see the way he looks at you, Lex? I don’t know how you haven’t crumbled yet.”

  “Believe me, I know it’s tough. His eyes see right through me.”

  “Yet, you don’t believe him?”

  “It goes deeper than that.” I grit my teeth. “Shit, what is this? A cross examination? I’m not on the witness stand.”

  “Believe me, Bandita, if you were a witness right now, I’d be getting you to admit a lot more than you

  have, but I can see you’re holding something back and you must have your reasons. I can respect that.”

  “Well, thank you for not pushing, counselor.” I bow my head to her.

  “No problem.” Anna winks back at me and bounces to her room.

  Geez! When did I become so transparent?

  ***

  The next week is so busy between studying and writing exams that I barely even have time to eat. Law exams are a lot of memory work and application. I’m good at both so I’m hoping I did well. I managed to stop by a swimsuit shop and pick up two string bikinis, one white and the other red. Red is my favorite color so I couldn’t resist buying a second. My bags are all packed and Luc is supposed to be here any minute to pick me up. I’m bursting with energy, excited for this vacation. It’s a little surreal that I am going on vacation with a guy, but Luc understands me. I think he’s beginning to understand that I may never hand over my heart. Besides he’s been so tense lately, and I’ve been overworked with school that lying on a beach and having lots of sex is exactly what we both need.

  I’ve thought a lot about Dylan’s accusations about Luc being a criminal and the more I think about it the more I realize how unrealistic they actually are. I was pretty drunk that night, maybe I didn’t even hear him right. Besides he may still be holding a grudge because of the way Luc punched him out on Thanksgiving. I don’t think Luc meant to be so aggressive. He’s just a big guy, and I don’t think he had a good measure of his own strength.

  “Hey, Bandita, I’m really going to miss you,” Anna says, knocking me in the shoulder with her own. Her eyes are slightly wet, and I know she’s not big on showing affection.

  “I know. I’ll miss you, too. At least you’ll be soaking in the sun in Florida,” I say, enveloping her in a big hug.
<
br />   “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Enjoy your Christmas, Lex, and please be careful. You know I worry about Luc.”

  “Anna, we’ve been over this. He’s a good guy.”

  “I’m not so sure, Lex, but you’re a smart girl so keep your eyes open. Any sign of trouble and you get on a plane. Call me or text me anytime. My phone will be on in Florida.”

  “Thanks, Anna, but you’re exaggerating. I’m going to have the best time on a beach somewhere.” “That’s another thing. I wish I knew where he was taking you,” she says, frowning.

  “I’m actually glad he didn’t tell me. I’m enjoying the suspense of the unknown.”

  Chapter 29

  Safe and Peaceful

  Christmas Vacation 2012

  It’s dark when Luc comes to pick me up. A white stretch limousine awaits me, and I preen like a princess. I wonder where we’re going. The suspense sends a thrill through my body.

  “We will be arriving at the airport soon. Once we pass security, I’m blindfolding you so you can’t see which plane we‘re getting on,” Luc says, holding my hand, sitting beside me in the limousine. He’s realized by now that I enjoy suspense and challenges. I think he understands the challenge part but suspense seems to freak him out. I think he doesn’t like surprises. Our ride at Wonderland when he got sick and all the comments he’s made about his childhood have led me to believe that he likes control over his destiny. I like control in my love life, but I don’t mind letting go and seeing where life will take me as long as my heart doesn’t get crushed along the way.

  With my blindfold on, we walk onto the plane, and Luc leads me to our seat. He takes off the blindfold and I get settled in. As the plane takes off, I remember the drop in my stomach from when Mother took us on vacations when Ash and I were little. How did my nice, happy mother turn into such a cruel person? The thought that it could happen to anyone frightens me.

  “Are you cold, Alexis? I can get you a blanket,” Luc offers.

  “Sure, I feel a little chilled.”

  Luc reaches over my head to the compartment and places a blanket on me. We’re seated in first class so I’m very comfortable and have a lot of space. Luc positions his chair back and stares intently out the window. I sometimes wonder what goes on in that head of his. It gives me time to think, as well, and the more I think about a relationship with Luc, the more it makes sense. I want to show him how grateful I am for this trip and try to commit myself to him. Not just my body, but my heart, too. I laugh inside because I make it sound like I’m accepting jail time and it’s not what I mean. I want to give our relationship a fair shot.

  But something’s up with Luc. He’s already ordered two miniature bottles of whiskey, and we’ve only been flying for a few hours. “Are you drinking because you don’t like to fly?”

  He narrows his eyes like he doesn’t understand what I’m asking.

  “You’ve ordered whiskey and you seem tense.”

  “It’s nothing like that, Alexis. I have a lot on my mind with work.”

  It sounds like a reasonable answer, so I don’t push. Our airplane seats are heavily padded and soft, and I’m able to fall asleep because wherever we’re headed is far away. We’ve been flying for six hours and there’s no end in sight. Luc put his hands over my ears earlier and sang to me when the pilot came on the intercom so I missed our destination.

  As the plane begins its descent, I stare out the window. The view is picturesque. I watch the pink, orange, and red colors of the setting sun intertwine in the horizon and touch an endless ocean. It’s breathtaking. The captain comes on the intercom giving our destination away.

  “We’re beginning our descent into Kauai. Please buckle up for landing. Thank you.”

  “Luc, we’re going to Hawaii? Wow, I always wanted to go, but it’s so expensive to travel there.”

  “I noticed you looking at some travel brochures in your apartment. You folded the page on Hawaii and I’ve never been so I thought we could experience the pacific paradise together. I chose Kauai because it’s less developed, and I thought we could use some time on the beach and in the bedroom without being crowded by lots of tourists.”

  “That sounds amazing.” My eyes go wide with excitement and I feel my leg bouncing up and down. I can’t wait to land.

  The plane careens on the runway, and we exit through a staircase onto the open tarmac. The warm Hawaiian breeze lifts my hair. Just breathing in the sweet scent of the air feels like heaven. I realize how tired and hungry I am, and I’m sorry that I rejected all the plane food. We arrive at the hotel and Luc checks us in. It’s very tropical, with beautiful floral arrangements cascading in the lobby, and there’s a row of skylights open to the night above, allowing a clear view of a million stars that look like a sprinkle of diamonds across the inky blackness.

  The person at the front desk gives us leis to wear. I inhale the fresh floral scent and hang it around my neck. When I see Luc in his lei, a little giggle erupts inside my chest. He’s so masculine that the flowers look funny on him. I’m smiling, and life is good. We’ve arrived in paradise.

  Luc reserved a beautiful suite that follows the same theme in the lobby with Hawaiian print blankets, a beautiful floral arrangement, and a large king size bed. He orders some room service and I take a nap. Actually I fall asleep for the night.

  When I awake, it’s morning. I feel kind of bad because I’m sure Luc wanted to have sex on the first night of our trip. I open my eyes and extend my arm to touch Luc, but he’s not in bed. I look down and realize that I’m still in the same blue jeans and white t-shirt I traveled in. I really feel bad now. I brought along a sexy nightie for our first night here and I didn’t get to wear it. The week of exams wore me down more than I thought. I’ll make it up to him tonight.

  “Hey, good morning,” I say, my voice raspy.

  “Good morning. You must have been exhausted because you were snoring half the night.”

  I gasp. “I didn’t realize I snored.”

  “Neither did I. It must be a first. I got up early. I had some work to do,” he mumbles, all grumpy. I want to try to take him out of his bad mood so I change the subject and figure it’s a good time to learn more about him.

  “You’ve never really explained how your company works. What is it that you do online so much?”

  I must have surprised him with my question because he looks like he’s contemplating his answer. As much as Dylan’s accusations seem unrealistic, there is a feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes me wonder.

  “It’s really not that interesting; I don’t want to bore you.”

  It’s not an answer I’m expecting. It’s like he’s trying to brush me off. “You wouldn’t bore me. I want to know more about you and I guess that includes knowing what you do for a living.”

  “Well, if you put it that way, my family’s business focuses on a different range of categories. There’s the software and online tools that we sell, but we also have local outlets as well.”

  He’s being very vague. I decide to leave it for now because I don’t want to seem pushy and he seems to be out of sorts. He turns away, pinching his nose like he has a headache and starts muttering what sounds like profanities in French. I should have learned some French by now, but we only speak English with each other so the opportunity has never arisen.

  “How about we go check out the beach? Our room has such an incredible view. I’d really like to soak in the Pacific Ocean.”

  “Not right now. I’m busy,” he says, not looking away from his computer screen. The computer is facing the other direction so I can’t even take a peek to see what has him so tied up.

  “Come on, it’s my first trip to the ocean. I’d love for you to come with. We might as well use up every minute and have fun. I already spent the first night sleeping early.” I don’t want to sound like a demanding girlfriend, but I figured we would be hanging out at the beach together.

  He lifts his head from the computer and turns around to look at me.
“I’m not fucking going anywhere now. If you want to go, then go by yourself. I’m busy, and I know you went to bed early,” he snaps.

  “Geez, Luc, what’s eating at you? You’re so on edge.” My body instantly tenses, but my mind intervenes, telling me this is no big deal. He’s stressed out and everyone gets anxious from work one time or another.

  “Look, I told you I’m having some problems. I have my father breathing down my neck to take care of it. I just need to finish my work. I told you how my father can be, and I hate to deal with him. He drives me crazy.”

  I guess I understand. I would never want to work with my mother. I don’t think I could handle it without going mad.

  I feel like if I stand here for one more second, I’ll break down into a ball of tears and I don’t want to give Luc the satisfaction. There’s a coffee stand located in the lobby and I decide I need my regular morning cup of java. I go into the bathroom and take a few deep breaths to calm myself. I get ready quickly and slide out of the room. Luc is too wrapped up in his work to notice and I’m grateful.

  Waiting in the coffee line up, I start to feel sick. The rich aroma of the coffee is nauseating me, not enticing me as it usually does. When it’s my turn, the cashier asks for my order, only I don’t feel like eating or drinking. I’m actually in need of the first washroom stall I can get to. I apologize to the lady at the cash and start looking frantically for the ladies’ room. There must be one close by. It’s a lobby, for goodness sakes.

  I spot the sign for ladies’ room, and I run in and fall to my knees, heaving as I vomit endlessly into the toilet. When I’m done, my throat is burning like hell. I walk back to the room, needing to lie down and gather myself even though Luc is the last person I want to deal with right now.

  “Back so soon?” he asks. His tone noticeably calmer.

  “Yeah, I didn’t feel well.”

  “Oh really, what’s wrong?” he asks, turning around to look at me, concern in his eyes.

  “I don’t know. I just threw up in the ladies’ room in the lobby.”