Different Loving

by William Brame

  I enjoy pushing people to their limits, no matter what that means. I enjoy bringing people to that place where they are not sure if they can go just a little bit more and [then] taking them there, stretching [their] limits. That’s where I get the rush of the S&M.

  —CLÉO DUBOIS

  A final but important component is the aesthetic of D&S: Whether it is pride in one’s skilled bondage techniques or selection of outfits that accentuate the submissive’s sex appeal, dominants frequently enjoy complex and lengthy rituals of altering the visual and the physical to create an unusual and deeply satisfying image.

  EROTIC COERCION

  Force is not a part of the province of sadism and masochism, not part of the territory of leather and latex, bondage and discipline. It is normal. Coercion is an accepted part of daily life for most people.

  —PAT CALIFIA2

  A complex and apparently self-contradictory aspect of D&S roleplaying, erotic “coercion” refers to the submissive being compelled to do something which he protests and which may be fundamentally humiliating. At the same time, this sense of coercion is precisely what makes the experience so arousing.

  Erotic coercion is based on mutual consent; the activity is often planned in detail beforehand. For example, a male-to-female transvestite might fantasize about meeting a woman who will unexpectedly compel him to dress, walk, talk, and act like a girl. That any given woman, no matter how charitable, will spontaneously attempt to transform a man into a woman is highly unlikely. Further, that a sensible submissive would yield power to someone he doesn’t know or trust is even less likely. The transvestite must find someone who is amenable—and discuss his fantasy in detail. Consequently, how believable is it that the female is forcing someone who has so assiduously sought out and meticulously delineated a scenario?

  Suspension of disbelief is a requirement in coercion scenarios. The competent dominant is charged with the responsibility of making the scenario believable. To the outsider, there is no external logic. How is it that a petite woman can force a man twice her size to his knees in shivering, whimpering helplessness with nothing more than a few soft words? But the internal logic is indisputable, if one assumes that the mind is a person’s most powerful erotic tool. Coercion scenarios depend on the submissive’s ability to enter into the fantasy and to feel that he is being forced to accept something, even if that something is precisely what the submissive craves. The dominant, correspondingly, is aroused by the fantasy of forcing someone to bend to her will.

  I am into intellectual games. I like control. I like to find out what my submissive partner most enjoys. It might mean that my male partner is drawn to the idea of dressing in women’s clothes. A man in women’s clothes does not turn me on [in] itself. But [if] my partner [is] struggling with the desire to do it versus feeling uncomfortable or guilty about it—now that turns me on. I have the power to do that to him. The ideal submissive, from my point of view, is someone with a lot of imagination, who isn’t totally comfortable with everything that he’s doing or has room to learn something.

  —RISING STAR

  If the dominant is convincingly stern, or if other elements—such as pain or bondage—are involved, the submissive believes, within the moment (and often long after the moment has passed), in the dominant’s absolute authority.

  Coercion scenarios take so many forms that any catalogue would be incomplete. Naughty schoolboys are compelled to accept spankings from indignant governesses; feisty submissives are forced to wear the collars of strict masters; foot worshipers are imperiously commanded to kiss a lover’s toes; captive maidens must submit to ravishment by conquering lords. Literally thousands of scenes are played out in which the submissive is “forced” to do essentially what the submissive really wants to do. Regularly, thousands of submissives are forced to achieve multiple orgasms.

  Coercion can, of course, have a darker side, even when the relationship in which it is practiced is negotiated. This darker side arises when dominants push submissives to accept activities that the submissives may genuinely dread. A dominant may, for example, compel her partner to accept increasing levels of intensity of stimulation. And some dominants punish submissives who willfully disobey; the intent is not to harm the submissive, but it may cause the submissive discomfort or sadness. Some D&Sers do not believe in punishment but it is a real phenomenon, particularly in lifestyle relationships, where discipline may form a critical aspect of the dynamic. In fact, lifestyle submissives often desire both the risk and the reality of punishment, because it reinforces the reality of the power relationship. Sometimes a submissive will purposely misbehave—usually in playful ways—to incite the dominant to punish him or her.

  THE WORSHIP OF POWER

  D&Sers are intrigued by power. In some respects they are as responsible as mainstream individuals for perpetuating the myths about dominants as ruthless or imperious. Nowhere is this truer than among people who have evolved their fantasies and understandings about power relationships from cult books (such as the novels of de Sade, Pauline Réage, John Norman, and Anne Rice) and the seemingly limitless supply of fetish and S/M pornography. The literature that kindles so many fiery fantasies depicts characters who are almost always one-dimensional, no doubt because the purpose of most S/M-oriented literature is specifically licentious and not concerned with reality.

  Novice D&Sers may believe that dominants are singularly appointed, semimystical creatures endowed with the power to reduce submissives to craven supplicants. This charming fantasy often succumbs to the reality of humanity among those who seek full-fledged relationships. Many who confine their experiences to episodic encounters, however, prefer to cling to the fantasy of the dominant as ubermensch (or uberfrau).

  The dominant, for some, is the embodiment of a childish nightmare of the cruel or monstrous parent. Thus, even though all dominants are not cruel (some are), some submissives need them to be cruel—at least for the sake of erotic stimulation. But not all power is ruthless. A favorite activity among many D&Sers is the worship of a benign (albeit inherently quixotic) figure. In D&S culture this is usually a dominant woman who is perceived either to be a goddess herself or to embody the spirit of a goddess.

  One of the better-known groups associated with the D&S Scene is the Service of Mankind Church (SMC), a California-based religious group whose theology is founded on goddess worship. The focus of a sociological study (Erotic Power),3 the SMC’s philosophy specifically stresses spiritualism, but its rituals have been a magnet for secular submissive men and dominant women as well. The church holds that women who pursue a certain spiritual path may embody the spirit of goddesses worshiped in other (usually Eastern) cultures. In this hierarchy men are inherently submissive to women who manifest divine qualities.

  The female of our species has the capacity to be a goddess when [she] believes in the religious path that we follow. We [sometimes] have a problem with dominant women because potentially they are goddesses, but they have to recognize that [the] goddess spirit is being worshiped itself. There are some really hot dominant females out there who’d love to sit on a throne, but we have pointed out that when you sit on the throne [and] men grovel in front of you, you must enter into a meditational space [and] focus that goddesslike energy. A lot of women just can’t do that.

  —SRI SHIVAYNANDA

  Goddess worship may take any of several forms. It may be a natural outgrowth of the spiritual aspects of sexual submission.

  For me, submission is a spiritual practice. I look to surrender in a kind of transpersonal way. Cybele’s mistress persona is very closely allied with a goddess persona. I don’t want to say that she thinks of herself as the goddess—I’m sure she would say that everybody is a god or goddess. She is willing to acknowledge that and to work with that energy. There is a persona for me who is a priest. The priest likes to be naked on his knees and to worship. We’re not very interested in washing windows, though we do that service, you know.

  —JAMES W.


  The worship may involve practical service, such as caring for the dominant’s possessions (e.g., boots, clothing, equipment). These services become symbolically loaded.

  The thing that [my friend] likes most is doing everything that I want. That seems to be his main thing: to surrender to me and do things to make me happy. He’s more or less worshiping me as a goddess. I like that. I believe this sincerely: I’ve always felt like I was a queen. Some men [including him] have this idea that women are superior and that all men should bow down to [them]. He believes this in his whole karma.

  —MORGAN LEWIS

  Although goddess worship seems to be the domain of straight submissive men, nontheological body worship is practiced by both male and female submissives. In a D&S context the submissive honors and adores the dominant by ecstatically kissing or caressing body parts—usually legs and feet, but also hands and arms and, of course, erogenous zones—often in a kneeling or prone position.

  [Some men] just want to worship my body, my body odors, whatever my body’s doing. One guy wanted to stick his nose into my armpit.

  —MORGAN LEWIS

  Body worship is a supreme romantic surrender by the submissive to her dominant, and, for the dominant, an exciting display of the submissive’s humility and devotion.

  INTERVIEWS

  M. CYBELE

  [S/M has] affected and expanded my life in a very positive manner. I’m a convert to D&S and S/M from being a bisexual, multiorgasmic, fun-loving gal who thought S/M was sick. In the late ’70s I had a successful career as a burlesque artist. The idea was to entertain—not to get people off, but to tease. Men brought their wives. It was quite erotic and fun. I was sexually sophisticated but misinformed about S/M: All I knew about it came from bad pornography. But then in 1979 a new roommate moved in with me. I found her extremely domineering and bossy, and when she told me she was getting into S/M, I thought, No wonder she’s so aggressive—she’s into that sick stuff of abusing and humiliating people!

  Then my roommate joined the Society of Janus. After only two meetings she said, “I’m sorry for being nonconsensually dominant. I only want to do power games in the bedroom, and then with people who want to do them with me. S/M is not what you think it is.” I was amazed by the change in her and became intrigued because if something was happening sexually that was good that I didn’t know about, well … where do I sign up? I went to a Janus orientation and was astonished: People were committed to talking about the forbidden and about safety. They were working on communicating, on negotiating. I’m an est graduate, and I’ve been in a lot of groups, [but] I had never seen this level of conversation. Most people don’t even talk about straight sex!

  The people at Janus were talking about what worked and what didn’t and why, and how to negotiate what you want and don’t want when you do S/M. I was fascinated by the level of honesty. Janus has a rule, which is that if you don’t have an interest in S/M, you’re not allowed to join. This keeps out the people who are just curious, journalists, and therapists who want to study us like bugs under a microscope. I wanted to join so I was very frank. I said, “This is all new to me, and my erotic interests are mainly costume, sexual theater, and masturbation. I enjoy sex with people, and I’m very multiorgasmic when I masturbate. I don’t know if I qualify, but I’m seriously interested in joining.” They decided that my interest in costume and sexual theater could be considered a fetish, and they felt I would be a good addition. I appreciated that. I attended almost every program they had because I quickly realized that I didn’t know anything. I went to programs on piercing, bondage, sensory deprivation, gender, fetishes, whipping, you name it. I didn’t know where I fit in, but it was erotic, informative, and fun. I don’t fantasize when I have sex [or] when I masturbate. I never have. I’m very much in what I see and hear and smell and feel and taste. So when a young man approached me at a Janus meeting and said, “I’d like to be at your service, anything you want,” I wasn’t able to tell him a thing. I didn’t know how to get the dynamic [started]. But I kept going to meetings, I kept talking to people, and I kept listening and asking questions.

  I couldn’t seem to find my niche, yet I knew that there was a higher drama than what I was experiencing. One reason I was into masturbation is that no matter how much I loved somebody, after a while the sex was predictable. My mind would wander. I thought, Why can’t I stay focused? Am I afraid of intimacy? The truth is that I need high drama, or intensity. After the first flush of infatuation wears off, the drama’s gone. In S/M this drama can be very intimate and very personal; it’s not phony drama. It’s also difficult to let the mind wander if you’re truly involved in a D&S or S/M scene. More than just the genitals are involved. When the purpose of the interaction is not just orgasm but another kind of release as well, one moves to a deeper level of relationship that is more sophisticated and requires more thought and communication.

  In 1983 I went to work for a phone sex company. Within two weeks my dominant persona emerged. Boom! I think I had been afraid to take power. I [remember] that when I was nine—my parents were separated when I was four—my mother and I [had] a big argument. I won and she was reduced to a helpless, hysterical quivering pile of tears. I had this enormous rush of power like, “TADA!! I’m in charge!” followed by hysteria, because, if at nine years old I was in charge, we were in big trouble! Later in life it was hard for me to start scenes because I was scared about what was going to happen next. But on the phone, it’s so distant; and most of the people I was dealing with didn’t really want to submit. They wanted somebody to play out [a] fantasy. The fantasy [aspect] made it safe for me to act the role and ease my way into true dominance. Eventually pretending to be dominant became boring and a little frustrating. I began to ask the client if he would be willing to try genuinely being dominated over the phone. Some agreed and I started to explore the actual world of D&S. This has never been boring, professionally or personally. I’ve found it to be challenging, rewarding and a true path of self-awareness. Once I started playing with power in an erotic context I became aware of its uses and abuses in the rest of the world. I became a better communicator and negotiator—not only did I know about power games, I had played them out in a safe, fun, erotic way.

  I went to work as a mistress-in-training for a professional mistress in late 1983. I was submissive to her and—under her instruction—dominant over the clients. I learned how to start a scene, what to do in the middle, and how to wrap it up. I found a framework upon which to hang my own interests. After about a month or two, I put an ad in the paper. In 1985 my roommate moved out so that we could turn her bedroom into a dungeon, and we began working together. I opened my own place and I did it mostly by slave labor. I got a phone call from a young man who was a painter and plasterer interested in D&S. We had a satisfying relationship on both sides, and he replastered and repainted my entire apartment.

  I’m very involved in the S/M community in San Francisco now. I teach in it, I play in it, most of my friends are S/M people: not all, but most. I can be all of who I am in that world. When I go into a community that is not S/M-positive, sometimes I tell them that I’m a sex educator. I can be who I am, but not completely, because there’s a part of me that may not [be] fully respected and accepted in that world. In my community I feel loved and accepted. When I got sick and was hospitalized with a herniated disc, all [my] money went towards paying bills. But the community raised money for me, did my shopping, cleaned my house; people came and bathed me at the hospital. Six months later people still called, asking, “What can I do?” I have an experience of being part of a tribe that appreciates its elders—I mean, I’m not that old, but I’m appreciated for what I know, what I give, and how I learn and teach.

  [Professionally] I specialize in gender play, infantilism, and slave training with a pleasure-pain dynamic. Each [situation] has different emotional, physical, psychological, sexual, and spiritual intents. My erotic interests are extensive and varied both privately and professiona
lly. This is important professionally because unless you’re remarkably skilled it’s difficult to make a living with only one interest, such as bondage or S/M. So I do a wide range of activities, including fetishism, such as shoe/boot/foot worship, or various psychodrama scenarios.

  I don’t do anything illegal. I don’t do degradation scenes. That’s a limit I have. I have a hard time both privately and professionally doing something that I believe could encourage or reinforce low self-esteem. For me humiliation and degradation are two very different activities on a large continuum, starting with mild embarrassment and ending with extreme self-abasement and degradation. In the middle could fall teasing, mockery, humiliation, and the stripping away of false pride. I believe it’s possible to do degradation scenes safely but that it’s very tricky and requires follow-up aftercare by the top. I don’t do anything unsafe in terms of S/M or health. There’s no oral sex, anal sex, intercourse, or masturbation by me for legal reasons. The second reason I don’t do anything directly sexual is that I like keeping something for my life partner. As a sex worker, I feel it’s very important to have activities that are only for my personal relationships.

  One group of clients I see are people who are interested in giving up power in a manner that is not competitive or rebellious. I do a lot of slave training and mental control. Usually such a person is someone who is in control a great deal in his life. He is looking for a place to relax and safely put all his power. Mental control alone is not always sufficient. Pain can be an aphrodisiac, but it also can be a very powerful reminder to someone that he is right here right now and not in charge. It’s difficult to let your mind wander when your body is experiencing a very intense [physical] sensation. I use some bondage so that people have the experience of being unable to get away, or so that their bodies are altered in some manner. It’s an experience that is separate from the rest of their lives. It’s an experiential process, not an analytical one.