Different Loving

by William Brame

  I got married in my early twenties. I found myself more and more interested in these things, and my wife and I started playing early on; we’ve probably been playing from six months after we got married. [Our] S&M games revolved around some alleged punishment. “Say, wouldn’t it be fun to correct each other for this or that?” I always ended up doing more misdeeds than she did. It was kind of childlike play, and she definitely got into that early on.

  [My wife] had never had specific [S&M] fantasies. She always liked power of some kind and didn’t have a way [to] express power. She grew up in a family that treated women as doormats. [For] people in our generation, women didn’t have any power. [S&M] became a way for her to enjoy and express herself.

  There’s a lot of democracy within S&M. The outside world doesn’t understand that. The relationships are never static; they’re always in a state of change. I don’t think that any more dynamic a relationship can exist. It affects your personality and your outlook and your sense of adventure on a level a lot more than other stimuli. And I think that you’re always looking for a higher plane within it. A sense of adventure draws us to it in the first place, indicates that we’re never quite going to be satisfied with the status quo—we’re always going to look for something a little bit beyond. Our marriage grew considerably stronger through the [S&M] play.

  TRUDI

  I’m dominant, my husband is submissive. We’ve been married for 27 years. It’s more of a head game than a physical game with us. We also do spankings and bondage and things like that, but it’s more of a reversal of roles. My husband is very dominant in business, and in our sexual life we reverse these roles.

  [My husband] assumed a [sexually] dominant role in the beginning. I was so new at it, I didn’t understand much about it. He was far more versed than I. When I was young it wasn’t a fantasy: I did not know what S&M was. I was never exposed to it. I [just] always wanted to be in charge. But I was afraid to express that side of myself.

  It’s very humorous. My whole family was raised to be doormats; I along with them. All the women were very, very submissive, and the man of the house was the king: Whatever he said went. Even as a child I felt that the women of our family couldn’t express themselves openly without male dominance reigning over us. I always wanted something better than what my family had. But I didn’t know how to express it.

  [My husband] noticed this about me and wanted to bring it out without actually saying so. He wanted me to become more assertive and more aggressive in my own life and felt that if he got me involved in some kind of activity—not S&M—[it] would make me more assertive. I always had an interest in horseback riding, for instance. So he was all for that: He wanted me to take the lessons. I did and I became much more assertive and a lot more aggressive—and my curiosity got the best of me when I had one horse and 56 whips. My husband was buying all these whips! As if I had a very naughty horse! He liked the boots and the spurs and the whole nine yards. So he took a roundabout way to introduce me [to it], which I thought was quite clever on his part. He was always making comments like, “Gee, I’ve really been naughty. Maybe you ought to use one of those on me!” I picked up from there. I found that I really enjoy S&M, and then I started reading more about it and became a lot more comfortable with it.

  I really enjoyed it [from the start]. I didn’t have any problem with it [although] I wasn’t comfortable talking to other people about it. I was afraid that they wouldn’t understand what my husband and I enjoyed so much. A lot of times we [heard], “Oh, that’s weird!” So we would drop the subject. But when we moved to Washington we were able to join a group called the Black Rose, which was wonderful. We read an ad in The Washingtonian when we were up here looking at real estate. Our vision [of] this group—at the time it was called People Exchanging Power, or PEP—was that it was probably a bunch of motorcycle people in leather jackets. This is what a lot of the magazines portray. We didn’t feel like we belonged in that [kind of] group. But when we went, there were doctors, lawyers, accountants, and people from all walks of life.

  Actually, I got a discount for everybody in the group at an equestrian shop. [The shop] wanted to know if I belonged to an equine association. I said, “Well … PEP.” They said, “What’s that?” and I said, “People Exchanging Ponies.” So I got a 15 percent discount on all the whips I bought.

  [Our S&M relationship] evolved. It didn’t happen overnight. Sometimes [my husband’s] behavior was very naughty. He was still insecure, feeling that I wouldn’t understand it if he didn’t behave in a certain way. I guess I grew a bit faster than he expected. He would stay out late with the boys or [have] too much to drink, and he expected to be reprimanded for this. So he was always pushing my buttons: “Aren’t you going to punish me now?” It got to the point where I said “Look, your behavior is beyond the S&M issue. This is what you really enjoy, and I enjoy too, [so] we can cut out all this other stuff.” He basically woke up and said, “Yeah! What am I doing?” We’ve been much happier ever since.

  The most exciting thing for me is my husband surrendering total power to me, being totally submissive and very vulnerable: total trust. That probably fits into the little-boy scenario. It’s very exciting [because] here’s a person giving total trust and [who has] faith in me to be able to mold him. It takes both of us away from the outside world. We’re in a little cocoon by ourselves. We feel secure with one another.

  When we had a vanilla relationship, it felt very much like mutual masturbation. It was a sad state of affairs, and it really wasn’t enough. It didn’t make us feel secure. There’s nothing wrong with vanilla sex; we enjoyed [it], but we felt that we needed something more. The only way that we were able to do this was through S&M, because of the alternate high that we received through power play. Releasing all the power and the energy and honesty strips you of everything else. You face the real person.

  My husband and I haven’t had experience—sexual experience—with other people. We do play with other people in S&M games but we don’t have intercourse with [others]. We save that for each other. A lot of people feel the same way we do, that intercourse is a very intimate act only to be shared by the one you’re with.

  [Sometimes] when he comes home, I’ll have certain implements laid out on the bed, or he’ll dress a certain way and he’ll have a list to follow of things to do. I tell him to go directly to the bedroom and prepare himself properly, which means that he’s to [remove] his clothes and put on ladies’ underwear. And then when he comes back into the living room, I’ll tell him to kneel before me, and I explain to him what scenario I have in store for him that day. It may be a personal thing like [giving] me a bath and a complete body massage and attend[ing] to all my needs. If he doesn’t do everything properly, he’s placed across my lap and spanked.

  I don’t have to reach physical climax of any kind, although a lot of times I do. Sometimes I won’t let him come until the next day. The excitement builds up that much more for both of us. The day that I decide we’re allowed to climax, we’ll have very little [S&M] play and a lot of sexual play. It’s very satisfying for us.

  S&M has led me to being assertive and aggressive in my work. Before, I could never do this. If somebody said, “That’s too much money,” or “You’re a woman and you’re not capable of doing this type of work,” I would say, “Okay.” Now if they give me this argument, I can come back at them. I could never do that before. So it’s made me a much better businessperson.

  We’re always learning, always doing different scenes, enacting different things. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t, but it’s not the type of thing [where] you say, “That’s it, I’m never going to learn anything else, I’m never going to evolve [beyond] this one scene.” When you’re involved in S&M, it opens up your eyes to a lot of differences. [S&M] makes you a more tolerant person.

  Six

  AGEPLAY

  An inner child may live within us all, but the adult world of D&S is brimming with blatant scamps. Whether it�
�s in the role of a rambunctious teenager, a misbehaving schoolboy, or a terrible two-year-old, ageplay is perhaps the most ubiquitous and most sensitive form of D&S roleplaying.

  Under this broad heading we draw together a spectrum of ageplayers and organize their interests into three categories: adolescentilism, where the submissive imagines him- or herself to be an adolescent or young adult; juvenilism, where the submissive imagines him- or herself to be a child of roughly elementary-school age; and autonepiophilia (also known as infantilism or adult babies), where the submissive wishes to feel like an infant or toddler. Although activities and relationships vary, all ageplay depends on the basic premise that one partner assumes the role of a parentlike authority and that the submissive displays the persona of a youth or child.

  We quote interviewees whose profiles appear in other chapters and feature profiles of:

  • Jeff Britton is 30 years old and is an active member of GMSMA. He lives in New York City, where he works in a corporate mail room. Mr. Britton is also self-employed as a leather crafter.

  • Dyke Daddy is 43 years old. She is an accountant.

  • Tommy owns and operates the Diaper Pail Fraternity (DPF), the nation’s largest support and informational organization for infantilists.

  • George G. is 35 years old. He is a quality-control engineer. He founded Adult Babies, an on-line support group on CompuServe.

  • Glenn is 29 years old. An ex-serviceman, now disabled, he attends college.

  WHAT IS IT?

  Because so many couples develop a secret language comprised of childish endearments or phrases, because many adults refer to natural functions or body parts with puerile euphemisms, and because so many grown men and women collect teddy bears and toys, one might easily infer that clinging to some childhood behaviors is common. Ageplayers, however, eroticize childishness or youth. (Ageplay is distinct from pedophilia, where a real child is considered to be sexually desirable. Ageplay occurs uniquely between consenting adults.)

  In ageplay one partner (the dominant) assumes the role of a parent and supervises, guides, and—among D&Sers—disciplines the submissive who expresses his or her inner child in real, mutually consensual terms.

  Being the child serves [submissives’] need to feel taken care of I think we all feel at some point that we want to let go and not worry—that somebody’s going to be there to take care of us. It [allows] them to play with taboo fantasies that we all have probably thought of at some point. A lot of people like to get into games; so it gives them another arena of play. There’s [also] the power of being in a position to teach [and] to care for [someone]. It’s a parenting thing.

  —DYKE DADDY

  Each person who seeks to erotically reinvent his or her childhood brings intensely personal and particular needs to the relationship. These needs often reflect one’s individual concept of nurturing or training. Some adolescentilists like to roleplay as lazy schoolboys who require harsh physical discipline (such as caning); for many infantilists, conversely, pain has no province.

  But creating an aura of authenticity and sympathy is usually an important ingredient of all ageplay. Infantilists, for example, seek the tender, nurturing parent-baby dynamic.

  A lot of people want to experience [infantilism] in a very positive way. Many of us have had the experience of being caught by an adult or teased by peers for these practices. [People] want a situation where everything is okay and you’re told it’s okay to be like this. So just the kind of treatment you might normally give infants—undressing them, changing their diapers, giving them a bottle, encouraging them when they wet themselves—[is important].

  —GEORGE G.

  To other ageplayers, particularly spanking and caning enthusiasts, concerned discipline by a just authority is a fundamental erotic pleasure. The axiom, “Spare the rod, spoil the child” has apparently been integrated into the psychosexual proclivities of many who crave to give or receive canings.

  If I were to express one [interest], it’s that of the schoolteacher or the mother superior disciplining the naughty schoolboy or schoolgirl with a cane.

  —MARIE-CONSTANCE

  Activities vary according to the age—and sometimes the gender—one has eroticized.

  The things you do to daddy’s boy aren’t the same things you might do to daddy’s girl in a sexual context. Daddy’s little girl is meeker, shyer, and scared and curious about daddy’s genitalia. Daddy introduces a sexual context—you put daddy’s girl on your knee or spank her. Whereas with daddy’s boy, it’s different; daddy-boy relationships have more of a roughness. You’re not being gentle all the time.

  —DYKE DADDY

  Some ageplayers seek to replay one key fantasy. One example would be a person who eroticizes a specific age and fantasizes about a specific scenario, such as being caught masturbating by an authority figure who scolds and disciplines him. The clothing worn, the dialogue spoken, and the punishment implements used may be an indispensable sexual signifier. And no matter how often this fantasy is reenacted, its psychosexual spice never fades.

  But many D&Sers experiment with a wide range of scenarios.

  I’ll put diapers and rubber pants on [my husband] and feed him out of a bottle. He’ll have no privileges. Then we have the naughty-schoolboy scenario. I’ll put him through certain lessons. If he doesn’t write proper letters, he’s caned. I’ll dress in a schoolmarm outfit, very Victorian looking. I’ll use the hairbrush on him. I have different implements for different scenes.

  —TRUDI

  WHO DOES IT?

  Ageplay seems equally popular among heterosexuals, homosexuals, and those whose sexual or gender bias is changeable.

  [The background of infantilists] seems to be a total cross-section of society. We have those who seem to have very little education, those who have [some] education, and those who seem very bright: business managers, doctors, lawyers, clergymen.

  —TOMMY

  Although both women and men enjoy the submissive role, heterosexual men seem a bit more likely to take an interest in expressing a child’s persona, and their female partners are more likely to play the parent. Interviewees concurred that infantilism, at least, is largely a male phenomenon.

  Only [a small] percentage of the population is interested in [infantilism]. Most are men. However, I have found that if you introduce baby seats to women, they like it. Everybody likes to be cuddled, to be petted. It’s a very innocent scene. Not everybody needs to wet their diapers. But it’s fun to be babied.

  —M. CYBELE

  The women ageplayers we interviewed said that the mother (or father) role combines romance with maternal instincts.

  I never knew I would like infantilism until I played with an adult baby. Now I enjoy being mommy. I’ve never really analyzed it, [but] I’m an extremely maternal person.

  JEAN L.

  It is commonly believed among ageplayers that because girls and women have socially acceptable opportunities to express their childish personae, erotic impulses to ageplay are sublimated.

  I have a theory as to why our membership is primarily male. One reason that I’m sure of is that males tend to be more active when it comes to playing out fantasies. [But] I also believe that one of the causes [for infantilism] is what I call “not being able to express the soft side.” Women are allowed to express theirs. I’ll give you one quick [and] obvious example. Go into a women’s department store almost anywhere in the United States during the winter, and you’ll see women’s pajamas that look like baby sleepers. They even have feet on them. You’ll never see that in men’s stores. It’s one example of how women are allowed to express a more childish part of themselves. No one’s going to laugh at them. The husband will say, “Oh, how cute.” But if the average husband puts one of those things on it’s, “What are you doing!”

  —TOMMY

  There are notable exceptions. Many D&S women enjoy playing the “naughty girl,” and nowhere is this more true than for spanking enthusiasts, among whom dis
ciplinarian-male obedient-female fantasies are common. (This is discussed in depth in Chapter 9.) And lesbians seem to be increasingly exploring ageplay fantasies.

  Male-to-female cross-dressers who play mommy or female child also exist, as do female-to-male cross-dressers who play daddy or boy. Interviewees Kelly T. and Dyke Daddy (both biological females), for example, combine gender switch with ageplay.

  Being Kelly [the persona of a young, gay male] sexually, and allowing myself to be submissive, has really opened sex up for me.

  —KELLY T.

  I’ve always had masculine feelings. The first opportunity I had to be daddy in a relationship was fun. We could get into it and play for hours. I really loved it.

  —DYKE DADDY

  WHY AGEPLAY?

  The parent-child relationship undoubtedly has the single most profound effect on a child’s life. The relationship shapes not only one’s self-image but in later life is expressed in one’s religious biases, social behaviors, and sexual expressions. It is not surprising that some adult D&S relationships may be patterned on this original power model. Many of our interviewees believed insufficient nurturing caused their need to be babied. They felt precipitously rushed into adult behaviors.

  Many of the people that I’ve played with have been toilet trained too early. They tell me about being out of diapers at age one or [the] mother giving enemas, so that the kid would go when she wanted him to!

  —M. CYBELE

  It is possible that some early punishments merged with some ageplayers’ understandings of physical intimacy.