Different Loving

by William Brame

  With boys it’s been intrinsically short-term, because they seem to need change. They may be happy and then feel they want to go on [to] topping. So they’re looking to grow out of it real fast. But daddy’s girl is more of an equal relationship.

  With daddy’s little girl, if I was expecting her for the day, I might make breakfast for the two of us, and we might retreat to the bedroom for sex and play around for a while. [I might ask questions, such as], “What did you do last night? Did you go to that slumber party or did you call up boys and have boys come over? And if those boys came over, were you good or did you play around?” Depending on the person and how they feel, they can play off of it. One woman that I was involved with was very good at this. She would say, “No, I wasn’t being good!” “What were you doing?” “I let this boy touch me.” So daddy would ask, “How did this boy touch you?” and she would say, “He touched me like this!” and show me, or she wouldn’t tell me until I explored [it myself]. It would get into a whole thing of making love around that. And then maybe daddy would take his little girl out to the movies. Daddy would dress in butch stuff; daddy’s little girl would be in normal femme clothes. She would not be dressed up as a little girl. If we went to the movies, daddy would buy popcorn and Milk Duds or whatever little girls like to eat at the movies. It could be a Walt Disney flick or something [else] that’s childish but [which] also would appeal to an adult. Afterwards, we might go for ice cream, possibly at a shop where, when you order certain ice creams, they come and make all this noise, singing stuff and making fun of you. Or we would go play video games or go to the Santa Cruz boardwalk and ride the Ferris wheel, the merry-go-round, the roller coaster, [and] play the games. Daddy would try to win his little girl a prize, of course. And we might go lingerie shopping. [If so], daddy would buy his little girl something very sexy. Then we might go out to dinner; daddy usually picks up the tab.

  Not every relationship I enjoy has to have that element to be appealing to me. It’s something that I do, but it’s not the only way I relate to people. I think it’s another part of my sexuality. I like doing it, [and] if I can get away with it, and the person is into it, I enjoy doing it.

  To me a master is someone who owns someone, who is totally into top space, and needs to keep that top space at all times in a scene. When you’re in a daddy–daddy’s girl [or] daddy-boy scene, this person is not under your control all the time. They’re not asking [for permission all the time]. It’s more playful. If you had a little girl or little boy, and you took them out for the day, they would have a certain amount of freedom. They wouldn’t have to wait for your command.

  If people are interested in this type of play, they need to check out the other person’s background. A lot of people, especially girls and women, have had incest problems. We are discovering that at least one third of women in this country [were] sexually abused as children. Often the women don’t even know. You need to be really sensitive and have a feel for what’s happening. If something’s not working right, don’t push it. Women have told me that they didn’t even realize they had been molested as children, but that something suddenly happened and memories started coming back. I haven’t had it happen to me. I’m pretty cautious. It’s not that I’m not there for someone, or [that] I wouldn’t be responsible or supportive if it happened—[but] why get into an area that’s going to be trouble for you when there are so many other things you can do?

  AUTONEPIOPHILIA, OR INFANTILISM

  Perhaps the least understood and most maligned form of ageplay is one in which individuals wish to relive an idealized version of early childhood or infancy. The fantasy age range of infantilism runs from approximately six months old to age three or four. Although infantilists are exclusively adults who roleplay uniquely with other adults, this sexual interest is commonly mistaken for pedophilia. In fact, infantilists who recognize and accept their sexuality—and its possible roots in infantile trauma—tend to be acutely protective of real children.

  Beyond this misunderstanding of infantilists’ motives, the primal nature of their fantasies arouses profound discomfort among uninvolved observers.

  We saw a [Phil] Donahue [show] about infantilism and were amazed at the outrage that some people felt about infantilists, who are engaged in something absolutely innocent. They enjoy being in baby clothes and get a certain amount of satisfaction from recreating their early childhood. Statistically, nobody knows whether it’s normal or not. The psychiatrist on the show was very clear on the fact that these people were doing nothing wrong.

  —HOWARD AND MARTHA LEWIS

  Many D&Sers express discomfort with infantilism as well, perhaps because it is difficult to understand why someone would wish to be as helpless as an infant. But it is precisely that primal helplessness that so charms the infantilist.

  Infantilism is about losing control in a very primitive manner. Usually my client had to grow up too fast [or]—for one reason or another—did not get enough childhood experience.

  —M. CYBELE

  Most infantilists recall that their interest began in early childhood. In some cases, the arrival of a new baby (and possible sibling rivalry) was a turning point.

  A typical story would be: “[When] I was five, I watched my little sister getting changed. I sneaked one of her diapers into my room. I put it on, and it felt sort of nice.”

  —TOMMY

  Interest in impersonating a baby may be further affected by health or incontinence problems.

  My feeling is that I’m trying to recapture the childhood I feel I was twice denied. I had a very difficult childhood. I was hospitalized at age seven and required brain surgery. I had to rush through growing up. Because of medications, I was a heavy sleeper and a bed-wetter from ages seven to 12.1 entered puberty still wetting the bed. You often continue to associate [with] whatever was in your life at that time.

  —GEORGE G.

  Infantilism is primarily a male phenomenon and is practiced by straight and gay men. (It should not, however, be confused with daddy-boy relationships.) Female infantilists are known but scarce. If lesbian infantilists exist, they are as yet entirely private. It seems far more common for women to roleplay as mommies to male babies. A number of professional dominants who specialize in this scene have nursery equipment built to scale for clients. In addition to biologically female mommies, some dominant male-to-female cross-dressers express a maternal persona. And a number of male-to-female cross-dressers wish to be treated like baby girls.

  Some incontinent adults may also explore infantilist eroticism.

  I think possibly 10 percent of all incontinent people—and that’s a huge number—[have] some sort of related infantilistic involvement. I have a small company that sells to incontinent people, and the catalogue states clearly that all of the products were copied after infant wear. They actually sell some diapers with baby prints. Ten or 15 percent of the customers buy those.

  —TOMMY

  Infantilism provides an important erotic outlet for some disabled individuals.

  [Infantilism] is my main coping mechanism for the multiple sclerosis. The disease can flare up to the point where I can’t take care of myself; that is my way of dealing with it. I’m in diapers all the time anyway because of the MS. Before [being] confined to the wheelchair, I had a vague interest in it—not so much in acting like a baby as in wearing diapers. But I thought [infantilism] was strange and that no one else would ever think anything like that.

  —GLENN

  Infantilists seem to have the greatest uniformity in desirable scenarios. Their ageplay patterns the basic model of parent-infant relations.

  When I start a session with an adult baby, I like to do bonding, like you would with a real baby. I’ll get out a bottle and have them put their head in my lap. I’ll stroke them and murmur and do little baby things to them. I’ll play with toys with them. I’ll give them a bubble bath. I will make them do things like memorize little poems and do little dances.

  —JEAN L.
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br />   Dominants find that assuming a maternal or paternal role is a tender and fulfilling experience.

  For a lot of people infantilism brings a feeling of reassurance; for others [it] fulfills the need for nurturing, often without having to worry 24 hours a day about caring for a small child. It makes me feel comforted, relaxed. At times it makes me feel like I’m getting away with something the world doesn’t want me to be able to get away with!

  —GEORGE G.

  For the submissive infantilism permits expression of a vulnerability that would be inappropriate to his adult persona.

  It’s the old story of the boss at the corporation who pushes everybody around and has all the power; [then] he goes home, puts on his diaper, and his wife gives him a bottle. I think these are people whose fathers told them, “Boys don’t cry; boys aren’t soft!” whereas I think we know that boys are a combination in varying degrees.

  —TOMMY

  Yet while infantilism may represent the ultimate surrender of power, adult babies tend to be extremely explicit as to exactly what they expect and enjoy.

  Some babies just want to be cuddled, petted, taken care of. They want to be vulnerable, but believe me, babies are not passive. They’re also not very submissive. They’re quite demanding: “Waahh! Feed me! Waaah! Change me!” Babies are naughty. They’re very sweet.

  —M. CYBELE

  Authenticity is usually an erotic requirement. This includes not only the garments and toys of infants, but also age-appropriate behavior.

  The more realistic it is, the more it excites me. To make it more realistic, you have to be more whatever your appropriate age is. Some people like to pretend to be older—three [or] five. When I’m really sick, I can’t walk [so] that would be not quite good enough. I generally stick around the area of a 12- or 18-month-old.

  —GLENN

  While humiliation is a common interest, some adult babies wish to experience infancy without such D&S elements as humiliation, coercion, or punishment. Infantilists usually prefer gentle, teasing, nurturing experiences.

  There can be a mix of S/M and nurturance. And the S/M usually takes the form of spanking. It’s mainly to give them the experience of not being in charge. They get [spanked] for disobeying.

  —M. CYBELE

  Diapering scenarios are perhaps the single most common erotic practice. But diaper fetishists—who do not consider themselves adult babies—exist as well.

  Unlike adult babies, I consider myself a grown individual. I buy diapers for the feeling, not for the child fantasy that people tend to build [or] the toys and equipment. I don’t see myself as a small child, but as an adult who just gets a kick out of wearing them.

  —PHIL T.

  Infantilists rarely wish to combine their roleplaying with adult sexual encounters: There is little or no direct sexual contact during the roleplaying. However, conventional sexual intimacy may be the culmination of the roleplaying.

  [For me] sex is an adjunct, not an end. Some people treat being a baby as foreplay; once they’ve come, it’s over. They get dressed and they say, “Golly, that was fun.” When I’ve come, I want to be cleaned up and given another bottle. I don’t want it to end. Sex is a pleasant thing and really fun—but not a goal.

  —GLENN

  All the infantilists we spoke with reported at least an intermittent desire to live out the infantile fantasy over extended periods of time. For some, the craving for infantilism moved in inverse proportion to daily stress: the higher the stress in the outside world, the more powerful the craving to retreat into a state of infantile irresponsibility at home. Nonetheless, our interviewees emphasized the importance of maintaining a clear balance between fantasy and reality.

  I’ve [devised] systems to avoid obsessing. Putting myself in a situation where it’s more frequent in my life and using it as a relief or safety valve has really helped. When I would try and deny myself I would find myself getting fairly depressed. By being able to do it as much as I needy I find that I’m much more relaxed, not only about the infantilist part of my life but other parts as well.

  —GEORGE G.

  INTERVIEWS

  TOMMY

  Infantilism is a deep-seated psychological need that arises usually at a very early age, possibly for two reasons. One is that [infantilists have] the feeling of not getting loved enough when they’re very young; the other is not being able to express the softer sides of themselves. [Infantilism] becomes a very strong drive, so strong that there’s no way of getting rid of it. But there’s no reason to get rid of it, because it is not harmful. It lets a person fantasize and/or share with other people—lovers, spouses, friends.

  There’s a psychological theory that if you didn’t complete all of the [childhood] stages, there’s a deficit [that] you never fully outgrow. You’re always trying to fill it. The causes of not being understood for the person you are—basically the definition of a dysfunctional family—has many other results. People become drug addicts or alcoholics; they become very unhappy. I think that infantilism, though it may sound strange or weird to a lot of people, is probably the least harmful way of coping as long as you don’t let it dominate your life. If you can put it in a place where you use it to help you feel good about yourself, get some happiness and satisfaction, and [if] it doesn’t interfere with your ability to function in your job, with your spouse, with your children, then it’s a satisfactory way of meeting a psychological need.

  The Diaper Pail Fraternity (DPF) was founded in 1980. Being an infantilist and having made some friends through personal ads, I decided to form a little newsletter. What started out as a newsletter shared by a few friends continued to grow over the years. [Today] it’s got over 2000 members. I should qualify: Not all members are current. At any [given] time there are about 1000 actively listed members and 1000 temporarily inactive members. We’re about two-thirds straight and one-third gay. [This is] a little heavier than the average on gay, because we were originally a gay organization.

  Upwards of 95 percent [of our members] are male. This is gradually changing. We’re beginning to attract more and more women. Because of the [limited] number of women we have at the present time, it’s hard to be sure why women are attracted to DPF. They appear to be primarily infantilists themselves. A fair percentage of the dominant women that we’re getting are professional; a few are the wives of infantilists. One thing I do see is that, because of increasing publicity and education, male and female infantilists are beginning to come out of the closet and to know that there are others. And if they meet, there’s a chance of forming a relationship. We have that happen. [Members] get married, find lovers.

  Besides the newsletter, DPF tries to distribute, manufacture—or have others manufacture—things of interest to the members, [such as] stories, videotapes, audiotapes, [or] resource directories to locate products. We also have an extensive list of products for infantilists, such as adult-sized diapers, plastic pants, [and] baby clothes.

  I have 144 people who I track in a data base. I’m pretty sure this is representative: 13 percent report an interest in S&M; 49 percent gave a general interest in punishment and discipline; 49 people, or 34 percent are interested in enemas; 26 percent like cross-dressing—the cross-dressers are primarily straight people. Spankers make up 48 percent. We also have 29 percent who like a little bondage—being tied to a crib so you can’t get out or having a pacifier tied into your mouth.

  The great majority of [members] want to take the baby or child role. If they really feel free and start making friends, then they’re going to have to be daddies because there aren’t that many dominant women in the club. So they will switch and diaper each other at different times. It’s a trade-off: Somebody’s sacrificing a bit, but [he’s] doing it because he knows he will get something in return. The great majority of the heterosexuals—probably 90 percent—want to be the baby. They have a tough time because there are so few mommies. For the homosexuals, it’s a little easier, because approximately one third of the homos
exual members say that they will be dominant at times. And 15 percent to 20 percent are primarily dominant [and] like being the daddy.

  The biggest social challenges infantilists face are, first, that they’re hidden. Those still in the closet are very unhappy people; they don’t know that there are others out there. They think that they’re really crazy. The majority of them aren’t so unhappy that they’re suicidal, but they’re thrilled when they find out that there are other people. A fairly good portion of married men are afraid to tell their wives. Or they’ve brought the subject up and were rejected. [They] try to tell their wife, and [she] can’t deal with it [and] makes comments like, “I married a man, not a baby.” Second, they feel that nobody understands them. They are afraid that the general public will think that they want to involve children and are pedophiles. Many people are afraid to use their real names when they list in the roster because they fear that somehow they’ll be found out—that coworkers will find out that they wear diapers at home. This would be a terrible, humiliating, or even threatening thing; [they worry] they might lose their job.

  GEORGE G.

  I’ve experienced many times the desire to just take everything I have and throw it out and tell myself I’m not going to be involved, very much like you hear from people involved in cross-dressing. The urge doesn’t go away, but I’ve learned to do things in balance so that I don’t ever desperately feel like I’ve been denying myself. I know [that] if I don’t do [it] for myself, I’m not going to be happy. So it’s a drive. [It’s] something I need. It’s a fairly constant part of my life.