Different Loving

by William Brame

  Just recently I [wore] a diaper with rubber pants with a garter belt and stockings. It was quite a combination! Of course, nobody could see that underneath [my] clothing. At a time prearranged with my mistress, I changed and wore a locking cock harness and wasn’t allowed to masturbate until I reported back after a number of days. It was [exciting]. I was doing something that society said was taboo. It was risk taking. What would happen if I got caught, especially at work? What would the consequences be? All those elements—doing it at work, being forced to do it, [the risk]—[are exciting].

  I am and have always been attracted to women and like sex with women, but I also tend to look at men more now. I find myself looking at different parts of their bodies and sort of wondering. I’ve become more aware and accepting [of] that part of me, and though I may not get the chance to explore it, [I’m] learning that it’s there [and] it’s not evil, it’s not wrong. I’ve always been very comfortable around gay men. They’re normal as far as I’m concerned. Probably I’m heading now more [into] the forced-feminization area, not so much heavy pain, marking the body, [or] whippings. Maybe piercing. That would be a hard one to explain! But those things are on my mind, and I’m trying to figure out how to go into them and keep everything together. Trying to keep this all separate from my home life, from my wife and the kids [is complex]. Luckily, the children are young enough that they don’t go snooping, but I know when I reached my early teens, I looked through everything and anything. It’s going to be a real challenge to avoid being discovered. What happens 10 years from now could be for the next book.

  *“DRESSING FOR PLEASURE” is a registered trademark of CONSTANCE ENTERPRISES. It is used by permission of the company.

  SECTION SIX

  MASCULINE AND FEMININE

  Twenty-One

  TRANSGENDERISM

  The differences between the sexes and the urge to bridge them have always occupied a corner of the human imagination. Expressing a personality which seems to be at odds with one’s sex is not really one but many phenomena with a diversity of expressions and behaviors. Because transgenderism is so variously manifested by men and women of different sexual orientations, and because a sizeable percentage do not engage in D&S, this chapter provides only a rudimentary understanding of it. We focus on the critical distinctions between transvestism and transsexualism before going on (in Chapter 22) to a detailed discussion of transgenderists who engage in D&S.

  We feature an analysis of transgenderism by Dr. Roger E. Peo, a gender counselor in Poughkeepsie, New York. He received his Ph.D. from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and is certified by the American College of Sexologists. Dr. Peo is a diplomate in sex counseling of the American Board of Sexology and a fellow of the American College of Clinical Sexologists, a member of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sex and of the Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association.

  We also hear from a male-to-female transgenderist:

  • Christina who is 35 years old and single. Christina works as a computer-systems administrator.

  A BRIEF TRANSGENDERISM LEXICON

  The range of abbreviations and neologisms used to describe transgenderist phenomena indicates the complexity of this behavioral universe. Here is a quick list of the most familiar terms.

  Cross-dressing, also known as drag: wearing the garments of a member of the biologically opposite sex.

  Female-to-male: a biological woman who either dresses as or believes she is a man.

  Genderbending, also known as genderfucking: wearing some clothing or accessories associated exclusively with the opposite sex; creating a “she-male” appearance. Usually done with the intent of surprising the onlooker.

  Hermaphrodite: a person who has secondary characteristics of both sexes.

  Male-to-female: a biological man who either dresses as or believes he is a woman.

  Real-life Test: a period during which preop transsexuals live full-time in the role of a member of the opposite gender. The ability to succeed in this trial is one diagnostic tool used to determine whether the Transsexual (TS) may be a good candidate for surgery.

  Sexual-reassignment Surgery, also known as a sex-change operation: the medical procedures involved in permanently altering a person’s secondary sexual characteristics.

  She-male: a chemically created pseudo-hermaphrodite, also known as chick-with-dick, often a preop TS.

  Transgenderism: a term used by advocates and practitioners to identify both transvestism and transsexualism.

  Transsexual, also known as a TS: someone who feels she or he is actually a member of the biologically opposite sex. Transsexuals are usually referred to as preoperative (preop) or postoperative (postop), to indicate, respectively, their intentions to undergo or their recovery from sexual-reassignment surgery.

  Transvestite, also known as a TV or a cross-dresser: someone who wears the clothing associated with the opposite sex.

  WHAT IS TRANSVESTISM?

  The most common phenomenon in transgenderism is transvestism, or dressing in clothes normally worn by the opposite sex.

  The word transvestite derives from the Latin trans (cross) and vestia (clothing). It was first coined by Magnus Hirschfeld (himself a cross-dresser who was known in Berlin’s gay subculture as “Auntie Magnesia”) in his 1910 book Transvestites: An Investigation into the Erotic Impulse of Disguise. Havelock Ellis later chose to call the phenomenon Eonism, after the Chevalier d’Eon, 18th Century Europe’s most celebrated transvestite, who dressed as a woman in the course of pursuing a career as a diplomat and spy. Upon leaving his trade, he dressed and lived entirely as a woman.

  Although 19th Century writers may have named the phenomenon, the desire to dress as a member of the opposite sex has been known—and occasionally sanctioned—throughout human history.

  Cross-dressing desires exist in all cultures. In some, the social stigma is so great that there is, effectively, no way to express it. Islamic cultures, mainland China, and the United States seem to fit this category. Other cultures [for example, Thailand and Japan] have niche social strata for unusual sexual behaviors. Other cultures fall somewhere in between.

  —ROGER E. PEO

  On this continent many North American Plains Indian tribes allowed a man to assume the role of berdache, dressing as a woman, performing a woman’s tasks, and often marrying as a woman. The Cheyenne esteemed their berdaches and believed them to be great doctors and practitioners of love magic. Among the Navaho, a nadle (a term that encompasses both transvestites and hermaphrodites) was considered to be extremely fortunate and a family that included one felt assured of attaining great wealth. Conversely, a married couple of the Nahane tribe could select a daughter to become a son to hunt for them when they grew old. After a ceremony ritualistically changed the girl’s gender at about age five, she was reared as a boy and assumed male status and responsibilities.

  In many cultures transvestites have served important ritual functions. Among the Zulu of South Africa, for example, only transvestite men are allowed to practice divination. Young males in the Wodaabe tribe of West Africa compete for women’s affections in highly ritualized, cross-dressing beauty contests. In other cultures cross-dressed male prostitutes outnumber female prostitutes: In Oman, for example, male-to-female TV prostitutes are socially recognized, while female prostitution is practiced in strictest secrecy.

  Despite its cultural and historical ubiquity, transvestism remains poorly understood in America. Considerable confusion exists as to the sexual orientation of TVs. Transvestism has long been firmly associated with homosexuality—and specifically homosexual prostitution—both in non-Western cultures and in older Western traditions. In some Muslim cultures handsome young males are still cross-dressed to serve as consorts to wealthy married men. But, in fact, most Western transvestites are heterosexual.

  It would appear that over 90 percent of male cross-dressers are strictly heterosexual. Some cross-dressers experiment with same-sex partners when they
are cross-dressed but usually abandon it as unsatisfying. The balance are homosexual, with a few bisexuals.

  —ROGER E. PEO

  Among the majority of gay men cross-dressing is seldom practiced except as an occasional adventure in genderbending or, more often, as an elaborate joke. Gay drag queens typically lampoon femininity.

  For many gay men, dressing up in women’s clothing is reserved for masquerades or Halloween celebrations. Stepping out of their daily clothing and into the whimsical costumes or sensuous fabrics permitted to women, these men find in the event a kind of bacchanalia, a release from all convention. This spirit prevails at festivities such as Mardi Gras, where men (gay and straight) flaunt garish costumes in hedonistic parody of the female sex.

  Many people are discomfited by true transvestites because the TVs do not seem to conform to assigned social roles.

  In our society there is no room for people “in the middle.” “Choose one side and be happy there” seems to be the unwritten rule.

  —ROGER E. PEO

  What our culture perceives as acceptable masculine behavior comprises a narrow range of possibilities.

  A gender client might be someone who was told early on that only women cry and show feelings. He might have had women and girls around who seemed to get a lot more positive attention than did the males. He might have felt he had to be the tough guy, a jock, to compensate for or to hide his softer feminine tendencies.

  —M. CYBELE

  In a world where women are largely perceived to lack power, for a man to emulate one seems strange if not downright ludicrous. Transvestism finds a place in the comedy routines of Milton Berle and others, where the tradition of mocking women by imitating them depends upon a bizarre charade of neurotic womanhood. The vision of a man mincing and lisping in women’s clothing usually evokes the kind of merriment generally reserved for the fellow who’s fallen on a banana peel; it is laughter shared equally by men and women, and its object is the emasculated or effeminate man. Cross-dressers, however, are not emasculated—nor, for that matter, necessarily effeminate—men. Nor are they all men. While male-to-female cross-dressers are the most visible segment of the transgender communities, and while transvestism is presumed to be primarily a male phenomenon, female-to-male cross-dressers exist but are less identifiable.

  Joan of Arc was exceptional when she donned male clothing to lead campaigns for France, as was Calamity Jane, who spent the better part of her life living as a man. But ever since Marlene Dietrich appeared in a tuxedo and Katharine Hepburn swore off skirts, few people have been greatly disconcerted by the sight of women in masculine attire.

  Our culture teaches us that it’s okay for a woman to explore her masculine feelings and tendencies—nothing amiss with a woman wearing pants—but let a man put on a skirt, and there’s something wrong. I believe that this is because we’re in a patriarchal society that says that masculine is better than feminine, that masculine is strong and feminine is weak. A tomboy is looked upon with amusement and praised, but an effeminate boy is called a sissy.

  —M. CYBELE

  Feminine attire connotes powerlessness, while male clothing is largely viewed as neutral—or suggestive, as Ms. Dietrich’s admirers can attest. Men’s attire worn by women has another connotation: Doris Day looked cute in Rock Hudson’s oversized pajamas, rather like a little girl in her father’s clothes. Rock Hudson in Doris Day’s outfits would have been another matter. Some female-to-male cross-dressers, however, arouse distinct disapprobation. Lesbians who are “butch” and both dress in masculine attire and emulate stereotypically masculine behaviors may be perceived with some alarm or subjected to harrassment. In alternative sexuality communities, however, women who embody “masculine” characteristics may be perceived as admirable exemplars of feminity. Challenges to gender stereotyping are raised not only among transgenderists but throughout the D&S world.

  Since so many women nowadays wear male clothing to meet the dictates of fashion rather than of eros, the line between cross-dressing and trendiness is blurred. Many feel that unless cross-dressing carries some erotic component—unless the wearer experiences a direct thrill from being clad in opposite-gender attire—it is not true transvestism. But this is debatable, as many male-to-female cross-dressers deny that they experience erotic stimulation from wearing women’s garb. Whether they are denying their erotic impulse to sanitize or justify their interest is also controversial.

  The erotic-sensual component of cross-dressing is nearly always present regardless of protestations to the contrary. These disclaimers may be caused by the embarrassment of mentioning masturbation for release of sexual tension or perhaps an attempt to make cross-dressing more socially acceptable by minimizing the erotic component.

  —ROGER E. PEO

  One of the most common misunderstandings about transgenderism is that the difference between the TV and the TS is one of degree: that the erotic passion for cross-dressing is a diluted form of transsexualism. But while complete feminization is a not-uncommon fantasy among transvestites, few transvestites pursue a sex change.

  [A fantasy] would be to live a life as a she-male, if not full-time, at least a good six months or a year, rather than just an afternoon. Living as a woman. Keeping my genitals intact, thank you.

  —CHERYL HAGGERTY

  I enjoy cross-dressing. It’s not something I feel I need to do all the time. I have no desire to change sex.

  —DEIRDRE

  The TV is also apt to have periods, sometimes extended, when he can live comfortably, successfully, and uniquely in his male persona. While the most common TV fantasy is to pass (to be a man who can fool others into believing he’s a woman), the majority of male-to-female TVs lead prosperous, conventional lives as husbands, fathers, and community leaders.

  For some cross-dressers, there is a thrill in seeing how well they can pass in the other gender role. The high they get from this would certainly be diminished if there were no penalty for discovery. Further, I am not sure they really want general acceptance. Being a man has economic and social advantages to which they can escape after their sojourn into the world of the feminine.

  —ROGER E. PEO

  I let the client know that a few hours dressed as a woman does not give him the life experience of being a woman. You need to be willing to be vulnerable, and you need to be willing to be a second-class citizen. A lot of men are not willing to do that.

  —M. CYBELE

  Those who cannot accept their cross-dressing inclinations (or who have censorious partners) may go through phases during which they destroy their alternate wardrobes.

  There [have] been periods of purging, when I deny [my interest], but basically I’ve been doing it all my life.

  —CHRISTINA

  The urge to cross-dress may become compulsive, particularly when the TV cannot find meaningful outlets, such as support groups, or compassionate partners. He usually finds that the need to cross-dress escalates when it is repressed. Compulsive cross-dressing can threaten the security of marriages or other long-term relationships.

  The most difficult psychological challenge the cross-dresser faces is acceptance of these desires. Without this, he faces guilt and anxiety that can spill over into the balance of his life. Through acceptance he can learn to control his urges and enjoy the cross-dressed state. Coupled with this acceptance is his need to be sensitive to the woman in his life. Since most cross-dressers are married, this is a common problem. If he allows cross-dressing to completely invade the relationship, he will most likely destroy it.

  —ROGER E. PEO

  A majority of TVs are probably solitary cross-dressers who conceal their interests from even their spouses for fear of rejection and disapproval. But repressing their needs usually only contributes to the TV’s dilemma, since the impulse to cross-dress is usually most acute during periods of high stress.

  Part of the urge to cross-dress is a release of stress. I’ve noticed over the years that I tend to do it and feel more d
riven to do it when I’m stressed, when I’m not in a relationship, or when the relationship I’m in is a disaster.

  —DEIRDRE

  WHAT IS TRANSSEXUALISM?

  While both the transvestite and the transsexual may wear feminine clothing and affect feminine behavior, their motives differ radically. Clothing and corollary feminine touches are intrinsic to a TV’s pleasure; the cross-dressing alone brings intense gratification. TVs may even express a different, more sexual, personality when cross-dressed.

  I feel very different when I’m Cheryl. I like to attract attention. I like looking sexy and feeling sexy. I like the idea of being told [or] expected to do things. Sometimes I wonder just why the hell I’m dressing as a French maid, because I don’t spend a whole lot of time in my home keeping the place immaculately clean! It’s the posturing and the playing and the teasing and the exhibitionism and voyeurism.

  —CHERYL HAGGERTY

  A TS is less likely to project a different persona when cross-dressed, as he or she already feels like a person of the biologically opposite sex. For the TS, wearing the attire of the opposite gender is an incomplete experience when the body beneath the clothing does not match the internal reality.

  The transsexual looks at his body with disgust as one of nature’s mistakes. He feels that his penis no more identifies him as male than a sixth finger on one hand would identify him as a nonhuman freak. He is not the most perverse sort of homosexual, but a case of totally reversed gender identity.