Different Loving

by William Brame

  The idea of piss play is approached with tremendous circumspection [among S/Mers]. The taboo is so strong it makes any idea of the numbers impossible to get, but the fascination clearly [exists]. Whether the practice is as widespread is another matter. Recently, when QSM [Authors’ note: Quality SM, an educational and support group] called and asked what I would like to do a class about, I said, “We’re not ready to do flogging and whipping again, and I don’t feel up to preparing a mummification class at the moment. [So] maybe nothing, because no one wants to do a water-sports class.” And [the director] said, “I do.” So we scheduled it. Ordinarily when a new how-to fetish class is presented, we get maybe as many as 18 people. For the water-sports class—which was fairly early on the slate, so [there wasn’t much time] for people to register—there were 32 actively interested people. They were all saying, “I have [x number] of friends who wanted to [and] didn’t want to be here.” I discovered that even among people who were willing to spend $15 or $20 to be in the room, there was still a tremendous residual taboo and embarrassment hanging over [everyone], except for [a few] friends of mine who sat in the front row—a couple of women who were very active participants. Most people were very reticent to raise their hands. So while it was a fun class to do, it was still one of the most difficult, because the participation level was so low. At certain points, I did get sudden flurries of tremendous activity from the crowd, which proved that it wasn’t a lack of interest [or] that it wasn’t going well. It was the taboo in effect.

  The AIDS epidemic has been really chilling even for activities as safe as water sports. Usually I get clinical and point out the historical stuff about people who, [as] in India, of course, drink their own piss because it’s the only safe fluid to drink, and in the U.S. Army, my father—and I suppose generations of soldiers before—were taught to treat athlete’s foot by pissing on feet. But in the age of AIDS all body fluids were suddenly filthy again, despite the sexual revolution. It was [former Surgeon General C. Everett] Koop who made the first real public statement. He said this is ludicrous—[that] we’ve known for centuries that human urine cannot be infected in [this] way. [But] a lot of people, doctors primarily, who were disgusted by the thought that men, especially gay men, were pissing on or in each other, continued to press for all body fluids, most particularly urine, to be seen as unclean. Some medical studies were undertaken, and it was very firmly determined [that], like almost every other virus and bacterium in the world, HIV breaks down in piss.

  I don’t know that [AIDS has] changed the way that serious players play: Serious players tend to look into the safety of what they’re doing and take great pride in knowing what is and isn’t true. I think it’s probably powerfully affected the way that novices, and nervous people who don’t take that responsibility, play.

  Twenty-Five

  GOLDEN SHOWERS

  He that believeth in me, the Scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water.

  —JOHN 7:38

  Urine has always been a substance of some mystery—and cultural schizophrenia: It is at once naughty and nice, sacred and profane. Although taboos have instilled an abiding horror of urine in many people, the substance nonetheless has been (and is still) used as a disinfectant in folk medicines; it has been (and still is) important in some religious and mystical functions. Western physicians rely on urinalysis to evaluate aspects of health and to ascertain pregnancy. The body’s “water” both figuratively and literally possesses life-affirming qualities.

  Since urine has so many different meanings to so many different people, that it may also hold deep erotic meaning to some is no surprise. In this chapter we hear from:

  • Victoria B., who is 35 years old. She works in publishing, with a second career in acting and performance art. She is in a long-term relationship.

  • Tony is 38 years old. He is an attorney who is married and has children.

  THE ABCS OF P-E-E

  The uses of urine in ritualistic and health processes are legion. Even when it is perceived uniquely as waste, customs, traditions, and attitudes regarding urine vary enormously. The national hero of Belgium is Mannequin Pis, the legendary figure of a little boy whose blithe urination during a royal procession centuries ago is credited with foiling the assassination of a king. In America parents frequently seem to find a male infant’s urination to be a precious act and evidence of the child’s good health. Bed-wetting by an older child however is often treated as an insult and a crime, punishable by a spectrum of humiliations intended to shame the child into continence.

  The erotic interest in urine is undoubtedly formed early and is probably an outgrowth of children’s fascination with the enigmas of the body and its functions. A native curiosity about the flow of urine—its unique sound, sight, and odor—prompt most (if not all) children to engage secretly in games, whether socially voyeuristic or privately experimental. In some cases significant emotional experiences may influence a child’s perceptions and impulses. For example, incontinence or a traumatic experience with an adult may give urination a particularly powerful place in a child’s erotic hierarchy.

  But trauma is neither the unique nor the primary cause for eroticizing urine. For many, urine is never perceived as an unpleasant substance. While some adults may perceive urine to be “dirty” and exciting precisely for that reason, the genuine enthusiast tends to believe that urine is a clean product that can be safely ingested.

  [My most exciting experience] was being pissed on and getting to the point of wanting to drink it—and having my body so open that I could drink it straight down, direct, thirsting, open. Being that open and receiving and giving that gift really was wonderful, clean. It made me feel very connected. It’s very powerful.

  —VICTORIA B.

  Just as elements of sadomasochism and bondage can be observed in most children’s patterns of body exploration, urine figures large in childhood play. For children to refrain from urinating as long as possible in order to create enhanced physical stimulation when they finally relieve themselves is not uncommon. And some children discover that urination causes agreeable sensations to the genitals, a knowledge which may be carried into adulthood.

  The proximity of these organs to one another may also be confusing. Many young girls seem unaware of the distinction between the urethra and the vaginal opening until they receive adequate sex education, if sex education is available. Some adult women remain ignorant, and physicians have reported cases of baffled newlyweds who attempt penetration of the wrong orifice.

  As a child I eroticized my urethra. In fact, I didn’t know the vaginal opening existed until [I was] 10 or 11.

  —VICTORIA B.

  This confusion is particularly meaningful in males, where the urethra serves a dual function as a passage for both urine and seminal fluids. Some boys discover that the urethra may be as susceptible to pleasure as other parts of the penis. The result of these confusions is that boys and girls—and men and women—begin to associate urine with sexual fluids such as semen or vaginal lubricant. Wilhelm Stekel, who considered uro-eroticism to be a neurotic disorder, extensively describes the connections between urination and autoeroticism and believed that, for the urophile, urine is a substitute for seminal emissions. The latter assumption, at least, seems confirmed by our interviewees, who described the excitement of the sensation and pointed out that the urine stream may be analogous to prolonged emission of semen.

  I think that for male tops, pissing in a scene can be very closely related to coming. Some of the physical sensations are the same, yet it can be sustained for a long time. If you do it at the right time, it can be extremely physically stimulating. Although I’ve never quite captured this myself, I suppose that for the bottom, having [the top] piss can be like having that person come for all that time.

  —JOSEPH BEAN

  Judging by the frequent mention of uro-eroticism in studies of sexual fantasies, erotic publications, and our interviews, urine play is by no mean
s confined to neurotics. It is an extremely popular element in adult fantasy and practice, something which Stekel also recognized.

  A certain connection between the function of the bladder and sexual excitation can be observed even in “normal” individuals. The condition is rather frequent that a person’s sexual stimulation has an immediate effect on his bladder, calling forth an urge to urinate.

  —WILHELM STEKEL1

  Many men arise erect from sleep with a condition vulgarly known as a “piss hard-on.” The first urination of the day may induce pleasure comparable to the intensity of orgasm. Postorgasmic urination, similarly, may be a thoroughly sensual release and may find a place in sexual afterplay.

  Adults engage in innumerable forms of urosexual play. Medical and psychiatric annals abound with descriptions of individuals who have unusual, fetishistic habits—such as carrying urine-moistened cloths—or who act out solitary, arcane urosexual rituals, or who insert pointed objects into their urethras. But those who are able to integrate their interests into a consensual erotic relationship rarely show up in clinical settings. It is interesting, although not necessarily significant, that our interviewees reported relatively little difficulty in finding adult partners for uro-sexual play.

  There is a great deal of discussion and misinformation about the possible health risks of urophilia. Some devotees claim that because urine is sterile, the health risks are negligible. This ignores the very real possibility of contamination after the urine leaves the bladder. Another belief, that urine is as likely as semen or blood to transmit the HIV virus, is not supported by existing medical data.

  According to medical experts, urine is sterile inside the bladder, which, barring abnormalities, is a poor environment for any but the hardiest bacteria or viruses (HIV, for example, is relatively fragile). Even sterile urine contains metabolic end products and toxic products, such as drugs, which have been filtered out of the body for excretion. In men, contamination is possible if the urethra, foreskin, or penis is infected; also, prostatic fluid can transmit HIV and other viruses, and bacteria. In females, the urinary orifice is surrounded by folds of damp skin, which often harbor bacteria and may, in turn, contaminate the urine.

  In other words: Even when the urine is free of bacteria or viruses and the bladder is normal, there is risk if problems exist in the prostatic fluid, the urethra, or on the surface of the penis or the labia. Generally, urine from a female is less likely to be safe and “clean” than urine from a male.

  URO-SEXUALITY

  The urophile typically finds each aspect of urination exciting. The sound of the urine rushing forth from a lover’s genital region, the swift spume of transparent yellow fluid, its sharp aroma, and its warmth and stickiness upon the urophile’s skin—particularly when the flow is directed to the receiving partner’s erogenous zones—all enhance the urophile’s arousal.

  [With golden showers] you can get the feel, the sight, the scent—very important—[and] the taste all at the same time. If it’s undertaken at the right moment in a scene, it can be a way of engaging and unifying all the senses.

  —JOSEPH BEAN

  Although golden showers spring up in many non-D&S fantasies as a hedonistic sensual variation, they are most typically identified with D&S.

  Looking at the classified ads that Drummer receives, except for bondage there is no single fetish-related activity that is more commonly mentioned than piss.

  —JOSEPH BEAN

  Havelock Ellis speculated on an inherent link between masochism and urophilia.

  The man whose predominant impulse is to subjugate himself to his mistress and to receive at her hands the utmost humiliation, frequently finds the climax of his gratification in being urinated on by her, whether in actual fact or only in imagination. In many such cases, however, it is evident that we have a mixed phenomenon; the symbolism is double. The act becomes desirable because it is the outward and visible sign of an inwardly experienced abject slavery to an adored person. But it is also desirable because of intimately sexual associations in the act itself, as a symbolical detumescence, a simulacrum of the sexual act, and one which proceeds from the sexual focus itself.2

  For urophiles, golden showers are fully sexualized; they may in some cases be as satisfying as orgasm, although rarely its substitute. Among D&Sers, golden showers are most often one component of a more complex scenario, often involving humiliation and erotic coercion. To urinate on someone can be a graphic and primal expression of power. The submissive accepts the dominant’s golden shower as a profound and primal surrender to the dominant’s will.

  Being able to let go [and] experience [golden showers] with someone is an abandon. It’s all-encompassing. Because of all the taboos against it, in order to do it, you have to really let go into the experience. It’s set my mind free, which, to me, is really important.

  —VICTORIA B.

  Consciousness of the taboo finds its counterbalance in the shattering of the taboo: Many urophiles are aroused by the significance of the act—i.e., the outrageousness and social unacceptability of what they are doing. This may also explain why golden showers, for many submissives, are a divinely humiliating experience.

  It’s attractive to me because one of my interests in D&S is aspects of humiliation—being humiliated by the dominant in some way. It definitely is humiliating to have someone urinate on you.

  —TONY

  The submissive urophile receives the dominant’s urine as a wholesome substance. Humiliation may derive not only from the powerlessness he feels in a coercion scenario—where he is forced to acquiesce to this desirable insult—but also from the awareness that he has sought out the experience and craves to be treated in this way. And for some, freely consenting to be degraded is an expression of the lengths to which they will go to please the dominant.

  Somewhere in my head it is exciting to degrade myself to such an extreme degree that in effect she [knows] that I would do anything for her, [that] I would withstand any terrible thing—pain or humiliation—in order to please her or to make myself more attractive to her.

  —TONY

  Even those who sincerely enjoy golden showers as a positive expression of sexuality and do not feel degraded by them may find that certain types of humiliation enhance their pleasure.

  Different people’s urines definitely have different aromas. When it’s particularly sharp—and that seems to be somewhat related to food ingested—it can particularly trigger humiliation, because it’s even more grungy.

  —VICTORIA B.

  One of the mysteries of urophilia, however, is that the submissive often feels that being the object of a dominant’s urination is actually a privilege and an honor. For some, the experience synthesizes with a worshipful love of the dominant: For them, the dominant’s urine is like a good Chardonnay, and the submissive is honored by the contact.

  What’s good about [drinking urine] is that it’s a deep sharing with someone else, almost a communion. It’s the immediacy of the person urinating.

  —VICTORIA B.

  In this respect, urine for the urophile retains its ancient, mystical qualities as a holy, magical water, clean and rejuvenating; the idea of communion holds a spiritual meaning. One individual we spoke with described its ingestion as akin to drinking mother’s milk and described a sense of being nourished by the dominant, followed by feelings of consolation and relaxation.

  In S/M erotica submissives are occasionally required to drink the urine of dominants or to lick the dominant’s genitals after urination as a symbol of ultimate obedience and humility. In reality, ingesting urine is more often fantasy than fact.

  Probably the most common activity is people simply submitting to being pissed on in the bathtub.

  —JOSEPH BEAN

  Urine play actually has few formalized rituals. No one scenario is paradigmatic of the interest, and often the play is spontaneous. When planned, it seems to occur as an aspect of a longer D&S scenario and may be one of several acts that the sub
missive is required to perform in order to prove the sincerity of his devotion.

  ANYTHING ELSE?

  It is impossible to catalogue all the things that individuals insert in the urethra. The introduction of any foreign object into any orifice entails risk. Those who introduce foreign objects or substances may end up having decidedly unerotic encounters with urologists. Hospital emergency rooms regularly treat men and women who introduce foreign objects into body openings and suffer great harm as a result. Some S/M groups offer educational and informational workshops to help prevent injury in those who insist on experimenting.

  One area of urethra play demands specialized equipment and medical knowledge: catheterization. The erotic interest in catheterization is alleged to be ancient.

  In ancient times, catheters were made of different materials (such as jade and ivory in a predynastic China), and catherization has been a ritualistic and/or sexual practice for many thousands of years. One can see records carved in stone in the Maya ruins of southern Mexico and Guatemala.

  —LARRY TOWNSEND3

  Although urinary catheterization technically falls within the purview of water sports, the activity is best understood as an explicitly sadomasochistic act because of the intense stimulation. During catheterization the submissive loses all control over bladder function, since the bladder evacuates through the tube as urine collects. This profound helplessness and consequent humiliation are intensely arousing to some D&Sers.