Love and Payne

by Charlie Cochet

  “Unbelievable.”

  “You’re freaking out about my family, aren’t you?”

  Austen eyed him. “I’m not freaking out. I’m concerned. Your life is in danger, and you’re all proposing to make that risk even greater by adding the rest of the Zachary brood into the mix.”

  “We’re safer together. I’ll talk to them. I promise you, my family will leave you to do your thing. I know they can be a little… overwhelming.”

  “Overwhelming? You have your own village, Zach.”

  Zach chuckled. “Yeah. But they’re all good people. They’ll respect your boundaries, even the kids. Bring Brayden along.”

  Austen narrowed his eyes. “If I decided to agree to this insanity, I’d need to talk to him first about something very serious.”

  “Oh? What’s that?”

  “Making sure his attention stays on the mission and not on Edan’s ass.”

  Zach’s eyes widened before he let out a bark of laughter, catching Austen by surprise. “I thought it was just me seeing things.”

  “Nope. I’ve seen Brayden go days without food during hard-core ops, and I’ve never seen him look as hungry as he does when faced with your brother. Where is this lodge anyway?” Austen noticed the blush that swept up from Zach’s neck and spread through his face. “Zach, I need to know this.”

  “North of the city.”

  “North where?”

  Zach let out a heavy sigh. “Fine. It’s um… it’s at Bear Mountain.”

  Austen blinked at him. “Wait a second. Are you telling me your bear Therian grandparents bought a lodge on Bear Mountain?”

  “Yes,” Zach grumbled.

  Austen burst into peals of laughter. “Oh shit!”

  “Yeah, yeah. My grandma thought it was cute, okay?”

  “Oh my God, I can’t breathe.” Austen wheezed, doubling over.

  “Please don’t tell Dex.”

  “Yeah, I can imagine the magnitude of jokes he’d come up with would be unbearable.”

  Zach’s expression turned deadpan. “I changed my mind. I’ll take my chances with the assassins.”

  CHAPTER 5

  “HOLY FUCK.”

  “Language,” Iona reminded Austen, though her tone was more amusement than displeasure. Zach smiled at the awestruck look on Austen’s face as he took in the majestic sight that was Zachary Lodge. He still couldn’t believe Austen was here with him, with his family. It had taken more cajoling from Zach, after Austen’s initial begrudging agreement, to get him here. When Austen mentioned going home to pack a bag and grab some equipment, Zach wasn’t ashamed to admit he’d had a moment of doubt, believing Austen was using the excuse to bolt.

  Waiting for him to show up had been an eye-opening experience in more ways than one.

  “He’ll be here,” Brayden had assured Zach, amusement lighting up his boyish face.

  Zach had sat in the back seat of Edan’s monster Suburban, which was parked outside their parents’ brownstone, where Edan and Bram were helping their mom pack. Edan hadn’t wanted to leave Zach in the car, but Brayden assured him he’d look out for Zach. Besides, the car’s windows were tinted so dark no one could see inside. The engine was running in case Brayden needed to make a quick getaway, despite Edan taking the long way home, with Brayden in the passenger seat checking they weren’t being followed.

  Zach drummed his fingers on his legs and checked his watch for, like, the hundredth time. Austen was supposed to have been here twenty minutes ago to ride up with them. He’d scheduled what time everyone would leave for the lodge, stating the last thing he needed was a convoy of bear Therians drawing attention to themselves, especially with the media hounding Zach for a soundbite.

  Apparently in the time it had taken him to be admitted to the hospital and then released, Zach had become a hero and the poster boy for Therian law enforcement. The news stations went nuts when someone uploaded to social media footage of him saving Maisy, and they’d put out a call to anyone who had any more footage or photos. Several protestors had answered the call, and suddenly images and videos of him filled every news outlet. Everyone wanted to talk to him, and even Barlow briefly addressed the media, telling them he planned to thank Zach in person but had to make sure his little girl was okay first. Getting out of the city for a while never sounded so good.

  “He’s late,” Zach grumbled.

  “If Austen’s late, he has a good reason for it,” Brayden assured him.

  What if something had gone wrong? Zach’s eyes widened, and his heart pounded. “Do you think he’s okay? What if someone followed him? What if he needs help?” Ignoring Brayden’s protests, Zach made to get up, forgetting his stitches. He sucked in a sharp breath at the pain when he twisted his torso. “Ow, fuck.” His knees buckled, and Brayden easily pushed him back down onto the seat.

  “Easy there, big guy.” Brayden put a hand out to stop him from getting up again. “It’s fine. He’s fine. This is Austen. He knows how to handle himself. You think he doesn’t know when someone’s following him? We’ve been doing this a long time.”

  Zach held on to his side and frowned. “Yeah, I know, TIN and all that. Doesn’t mean I’m going to stop worrying about him.”

  Brayden cocked his head, studying Zach. “You’re really crazy about him, aren’t you?”

  Zach swallowed hard. How much had Austen told Brayden about him? About them? He hated not being able to do anything but sit and wait. “So, um, how long have you known Austen?”

  “I was recruited a few years after him and was assigned to shadow him after my training ended. We hit it off right away, so we often get sent on assignments together.”

  Zach let out a relieved sigh. “I’m glad.”

  “Oh?”

  “I’m glad he has a friend out there watching his back.”

  Brayden worried his bottom lip, and Zach could tell Brayden had something he wanted to say but was uncertain of whether he should or not.

  “What is it?”

  Brayden shook his head and cursed under his breath. “He’s going to kill me.”

  “Why?”

  “Because when he finds out I told you, he’s going to be so pissed.”

  Zach was lost. “Told me about what? That you work together?”

  “No, that we, uh, are kind of more than friends.”

  It took Zach a moment to realize what Brayden was saying, and when it finally sank in, his heart plummeted. “Oh God.” He wiped a hand over his face. “No wonder he’s always pushing me away. I can’t believe….” Zach shook his head, his chest feeling constricted. “I can’t believe he never told me. I kept pushing, and he…. I feel like such an idiot. I’m so sorry, Brayden.”

  Brayden’s blue eyes went wide, and he quickly leaned in to place a hand on Zach’s shoulder. “It’s not like that. Austen really cares about you. It’s because he cares that he keeps pushing you away.”

  “Why the hell wouldn’t he tell me he had a boyfriend?” Zach didn’t understand. The more he thought about it, the angrier he got, not with Austen but with himself. The back of his eyes stung, and he cursed under his breath. “The signs were there; I chose to ignore them.”

  “Zach, look at me.”

  Zach blew out a shaky breath and did as Brayden asked.

  “Austen and I aren’t dating. We’re just, you know, friends with benefits. Fuck buddies.”

  Zach frowned. “I don’t understand.”

  “In our line of work, relationships are… difficult. Falling for another operative is a one-way ticket to disaster, and falling for a civilian means a relationship built on lies because they can never know who you really are or what you do for a living. Some operatives spend their careers having one-night stands or meaningless hookups, and that’s dangerous for us as well.” Brayden’s jaw muscles clenched as he dropped his gaze to his fingers. “I was on an op when I hooked up with this guy at a club. I thought he was a random stranger, and when he led me into one of the back rooms, I found out too late he
was working for the guy I’d been sent to, um…. Anyway, they beat the shit out of me, shot me, and left me for dead.”

  Zach gasped at the horrible image of Brayden left alone in some dark nightclub who knew where, bleeding to death. It said a lot about the kind of guy Brayden was that he’d survived. Zach often found himself wondering what Austen was up to. He’d had his suspicions about what Austen really did for a living, and it had been hard not to worry all the time. He knew Austen was a very capable agent—he’d seen proof of that over the years—but that didn’t stop him from worrying.

  “While I was recovering, I joked with Austen about how much easier it would be if we could fuck each other. He shrugged and said, ‘Okay, but I do the fucking, and if it stops being about sex, we’re done.’”

  Zach was confused. “Why? Why wouldn’t he want to pursue a relationship with you, especially if you were already friends and sleeping together?”

  Brayden smiled warmly at him. “Because of you, Zach. It’s only ever been sex between us. Two guys getting each other off. When we were in town at the same time, or on assignment together abroad and got horny, we got together, but it’s never been more than sex for either of us. I love the guy, but I could never be in love with him. He drives me batshit crazy, and if I’m honest, he’s a little scary sometimes.”

  Austen? Scary? Zach couldn’t see it. Intense for sure, but scary? Either way, it didn’t matter. Zach shook his head and folded his arms over his chest. He moved his gaze out the window feeling sick to his stomach. “If he felt anything at all for me, why would he have sex with someone else?”

  “I think he keeps trying to convince himself there’s nothing going on between you, that you have no control over him. If he’s having casual sex with someone else, he doesn’t belong to you.”

  “He doesn’t belong to anyone. I don’t want to own him,” Zach growled. He was too exhausted to process all this. He let out a heavy sigh, feeling deflated. “I want to be with him.”

  “And that right there is exactly why he shows up at my hotel room. The idea of you loving him terrifies him.”

  “The idea of me loving him drives him into the arms, and bed, of another man?” Zach scoffed, shaking his head. How did that make any sense?

  “No, the idea of you loving him scares him so bad that he runs off to prove to himself nothing’s changed. That he hasn’t changed. Like he’s restoring balance to his world.”

  Zach was silent as he mulled over Brayden’s words. Did Austen really think Zach wanted to own him, control him? Why would he think that? Zach had never done anything to give Austen such an impression. Freedom was important to Zach. He understood that better than anyone. Having grown up in such a large family, often feeling smothered, his freedom had always been important to him. He’d never want to make Austen feel as if he didn’t have any. Zach didn’t want to own anyone; he wanted a lover who was his best friend, his equal.

  “We were together, you know, in my hotel room when he got the call about you being in the hospital,” Brayden said quietly. “He didn’t hesitate. Said he had to go. I’d never seen him look so scared.”

  Zach nodded and cleared his throat. “Sorry if it, um, interrupted things.” The punch he received to his arm hurt. “Ouch! Why did you hit me?”

  “Because you’re being an ass,” Brayden said, annoyed. “My point was that you’re more important to him than anything. He will always drop everything when it concerns you. Always has. For fuck’s sake, Zach, he’s been watching over you and your family for years. Years.”

  Well, that was news to him. It suddenly made sense. Those times he could have sworn he was being watched. Sometimes it was when he was out on a call, and other times he was at home. One time he got sick. It had been bad. Edan stayed over to take care of him, sleeping on the couch downstairs. At one point, Zach got so cold, his teeth chattered. He’d woken up, but was so out of it from his fever and the antibiotics. A shadow opened his closet door, removed several thick, soft blankets, and covered him up, tucking him in and kissing his brow. Zach had thought it was Edan, but thinking back on it, Edan never kissed his brow. He always gently ruffled Zach’s hair, had done so since they were kids.

  “He’s been looking out for me,” Zach said softly, wondering how many times Austen had stepped in without him knowing.

  “Yes, keeping you safe. The guy’s memorized your entire family tree. He can recite everyone’s name, their birthdate, who they’re married to, who their kids are, how old they are, what color their eyes are. I know that might come across as a little stalkerish, but in our line of work, intel is everything. The more knowledge you have on someone or something, the better equipped you are to handle whatever comes your way. He’s learned everything there is to know about you and your family so no one can hurt you. Does that sound like someone who doesn’t care about you, Zach?” Brayden let out a groan and ran a hand through his hair. “He’s going to smother me in my sleep for this. I know it.”

  Zach chuckled, then quickly sobered. “He’s not really going to, is he?”

  The fact Brayden had to think about it didn’t bode well. In the end, he shrugged. “Nah, he’ll probably just kick my ass.” Brayden cleared his throat as he toyed with the string of his hoodie. “Is, um, your brother seeing anyone?”

  “Bram?” Zach teased.

  Brayden narrowed his eyes, making Zach laugh.

  “No, Edan’s not seeing anyone.”

  Brayden nodded but didn’t say anything.

  “WE’RE HERE.” His mom’s voice knocked Zach into the present, and he leaned in to whisper to Austen.

  “See? Plenty of room for everyone. We’ll be staying in the main house with the adults.”

  “Main house?” Austen stared at him. “Just how many houses are there?”

  Zach pointed to the attached structures, first to the left of the main building, then to the right. “Those smaller cabins are attached. You can access them via the main house, but they’ve got full amenities. My grandparents will be staying in the left one with the kids, and the teenagers will be staying in the right one.”

  Austen grumbled something under his breath about “pains in the butt,” which made Zach chuckle. Without a word, Austen grabbed the large black duffel bag, slung it over his shoulder, and hopped down out of the car, his moves sleek and graceful even underneath the weight of his bag and all the winter garb. Austen pulled the hood of his trench coat over his head, then turned to Zach.

  “You comin’, or planning on hibernating in the car?”

  Zach shook his head, amused, before opening his door and carefully turning, releasing a heavy sigh at the sight of his family standing in front of him. Here we go.

  “Easy,” Colin ordered, a deep frown on his face.

  “I’m fine,” Zach muttered, rolling his eyes when Edan and Bram stepped closer.

  “Boys, help your brother,” his mom ordered, her expression filled with concern. His brothers crowded him to do as asked, and Zach narrowed his eyes at them. He appreciated their wanting to help, like always, but he was fine. It wasn’t a big deal. All he needed was a little rest.

  “Really, I’m fine.”

  “Don’t be so pigheaded,” Colin growled, reaching for his arm. Zach yanked it away.

  “I said I’m fine. Thanks for the offer, but I can handle getting myself out of a car, okay?”

  Bram sighed. “Why do you always have to get so defensive?”

  “Fuck off, Bram,” Zach snarled, annoyed with his brother. It was always the same. Would it kill his big brothers to step away and give him some space?

  “Language, Zach,” Iona scolded from somewhere behind his brothers. Zach couldn’t even see her now. “Your brothers are just trying to help.”

  “No, you’re all babying me like you always do.”

  “What’s going on?” Austen asked, wedging himself between Zach and his brothers. He ended up standing between Zach’s knees, his duffel bag on the ground beside him. “Jesus, how about you give the guy s
ome room to breathe.” When they didn’t move, Austen thrust his gloved finger in each of their faces. “You, you, and you. Move. Now.”

  “Or what?” Colin sneered.

  Austen’s brows shot up. When he spoke, his voice was low so only they could hear. “That how you want this to go? Because I will not hesitate in dropping any of your asses right here where you stand, in front of your mother. Back. Up.” Bram scoffed, and Austen peered at him. “I will be more than happy to start with you, tough guy.”

  “Boys, please. Colin, Bram, Edan, your brother said he’s fine, so leave him be. Come along.”

  Reluctantly the three turned around and followed their mom, grumbling to each other, no doubt about how stubborn Zach was being. Austen turned to face him, his expression guarded. Did he realize how close he was? Or the fact his gloved hands were on Zach’s knees?

  “You okay?”

  Zach nodded, feeling embarrassed. “Sorry about that. They’re just looking out for me.”

  “You’re a grown-ass man, Zach. If you say you don’t need their help, they should take your word for it.”

  Zach shrugged. “Yeah, well. It’s how it’s always been.”

  “Doesn’t mean it’s how it needs to stay.”

  “Thanks,” Zach said, smiling down at him. The air thickened around them, and Zach was suddenly feeling too warm. Other than their one dance together at Dex’s bachelor party, they’d never been so intimately close to each other before. As if sensing Zach’s thoughts, Austen stepped back and to one side, picked up his bag, and slung it over his shoulder. He didn’t help Zach down, but he stayed, waiting for him. Zach took hold of the handle and slid off the seat, his heavy boots sinking into the snow. He closed the door behind him and shoved his hands into his pockets to keep himself from reaching for Austen. Anytime he was near Austen, it was his first instinct. They headed toward the path that led to the main house. The rest of his family would be arriving in small groups, an hour apart, until everyone was here.