Take Me As I Am

by JM Dragon

  He approached one of the nurses at the monitoring station after walking out of the room. “Hello, could you tell me where I might get coffee?”

  “There’s a machine at the end of the corridor but I’ll order anything you require, sir.”

  Alex smiled briefly, realizing that at a private hospital, nothing was too much for the staff to do for the patients or their visitors.

  “Perhaps later. Right now I’ll find the machine so I can stretch my legs.” He was about to walk away when he turned back. “If anything happens while I’m gone, please, find me.”

  The nurse smiled at him. “I will.”

  “Thanks.” Waiting was so very hard to do, especially when it was waiting for someone you loved.

  †

  Karen watched as Thea talked with Jack, confirming their onward journey to Antwerp. It had been a very quiet six-hour flight to Brussels. There was occasional small talk but otherwise silence. Not that she blamed Thea. She didn’t. Had it been her, she doubted she would have allowed her to go along. Thea was a very special individual who had keen insight into pain and hurt, along with happiness and love. That was a very rare attribute. Life may have been cruel to her, to have her fall in love with someone who was highly unlikely to return that love. Through it all, her child would be there for the woman regardless of the pain she felt inside.

  Unrequited love. What a statement. There were numerous stories, movies, and poems written and screened on just that topic. They were all romantic overtones contrived with happily ever after the goal. With this particular story, would that be the outcome? Karen had her doubts. Once she learned it was Jo, her active research mind came into action.

  The woman was a pinup figure for young and old alike and she recalled reading an article that indicated the woman had numerous affairs, all apparently with men. Her last was a broken engagement with a businessman from New York and the picture taken of them together made Karen wonder why. He had been a very handsome guy and they looked happy together in the photo.

  How could her daughter expect a woman, who was by all accounts actively heterosexual, change? Then again, Thea didn’t want her friend to change. Karen had finally realized why Thea left the singer. How could she live in the same apartment with a woman she loved who would never love her in the same way back? It was like having heartbreak thrown in her face twenty-four-seven.

  “Hey, baby, are we set?”

  “Yes, Mom. We will be going in a limo and it will take under an hour to get there.”

  “We’ll be there soon, Thea, and you can talk to Joanna and tell her how you feel.” Karen placed a comforting arm around her daughter’s shoulders and smiled warmly.

  Thea looked at her mother with surprise on her face. “I can’t do that, Mom. Joanna doesn’t care about me that way.”

  “We’ll see, won’t we? Faith, darling, faith. That’s what it takes, and believe me, I know what I’m talking about.”

  “You never did tell me the truth about your affair with Grayson when you were with Dad.”

  “Nope, I never did. Maybe now is the time to tell you.” Karen sucked in a breath and exhaled gradually.

  “I think I deserve the truth, Mom. Dad’s gone. It can’t hurt him.”

  Karen glanced at her daughter in compassion. “No, it can’t hurt him, darling, but it can still hurt you.”

  “Knowing the truth can’t hurt any more than not knowing.”

  “Remember those words when you see Joanna.” Karen grinned. “Now about your father.…”

  †

  “You were sticking to your guns and stomped your little feet in a tantrum. We tried to explain to you why we couldn’t have a pet since we lived in an apartment. You would have none of that telling us it could share your room—”

  “I still want the pony,” a groggy voice said.

  “Jo? Oh Joanna, you’ve come back to us.

  “Mom? Where am I?” Jo asked.

  “You’re in a hospital in Antwerp, Belgium,” Alex said pressing the call button.

  “Papa, why are you here?”

  Stella ran a hand across Jo’s forehead. “You were so sick and we came immediately.”

  “I feel like I was run over by a truck.” Jo opened her eyes before closing them. “How long?”

  “We’ve been here a day and a half,” Alex said.

  The door opened and both Stella and Alex looked at it, expecting the nurse.

  “Thea, Karen, why are you here?” Stella asked with a confused look on her face.

  Jo’s eyes opened wide. “Thea? Is Thea here?”

  Thea who had tears streaking her cheeks rushed to the bed.

  “Why? Why are you here?” Stella asked.

  “It’s a long story,” Karen replied.

  Thea was kneeling at the side taking Joanna’s hand into hers before placing it to her lips and kissing the palm. She looked lovingly at Joanna, before pushing away the dark bangs that always strayed across her face. “Joanna, what will I do with you?” Thea whispered.

  “You’re here. I’ve missed you so,” Joanna whispered.

  “I’m sorry I left you, but I’m here now and I’m here to stay. I promise.”

  Stella stood and gave a quizzical expression.

  “Let’s go outside and I’ll explain everything,” Karen took Stella’s hand and led her and Alex out of the room.

  Thea, unaware that the others had left, stared mesmerized at face of the woman she loved. “I love you, Joanna. Isn’t it time you talked to me. It’s been more than a year?”

  She brushed away her tears. “A year when all I wished for was to see - you, speak to you, help you, and be with you. Do you know that every single minute since I left you, I’ve wanted to come back and be part of your life? I miss you so much, Joanna. Can we start again?”

  Joanna just stared at her. “Are you real or am I hallucinating?”

  “I’m real. You are all I’ll ever want in life. I’m a shell without you, Joanna. Will you let me come home? I’ll be your housekeeper, manager, whatever you want, I’ll be.” She looked at Joanna who had closed her eyes. Unable to stop herself, Thea began sobbing. With her head on the bed, she drenched the blanket with her tears.

  Minutes or was it hours, passed before she felt a hand on her hair, stroking it.

  “Thea,” a croaky voice murmured.

  Thea sucked in a breath and looked into the blue eyes watching her.

  “You know I hate it when you cry.”

  “Joanna, I’m sorry.”

  “I am, too.”

  “I love you.” Thea placed several kisses on Joanna’s cheeks. Once the remembered reality that her friend was so very ill broke through her euphoric mist, she let go.

  “I feel strange, though.”

  “Should I get the doctor?”

  “I want something…you. I want to talk to you. I’ve missed you in my life, Thea, so very much. Want to fetch me a drink of water? My mouth feels like sandpaper.”

  Thea gasped and glanced around. On the side table was a paper cup the size of a large cupcake and a jug of water. Pouring the liquid, she brought a straw to Joanna’s lips and smiled as her friend sipped. Thea felt the tears fall again but this time for a different reason. “I’ve missed you so much, too, Joanna. Will you come home with me and let me take care of you?”

  †

  Once, what seemed like another lifetime ago, Joanna remembered asking Thea to go with her…now, Thea was asking the same? It wouldn’t be the same. How could it? I’m about to hit the top.

  “Home?”

  “Yes, home with me?”

  “Where you are, is my home, Thea. Didn’t I ever tell you that?”

  “No, you never did.” Thea watched as Joanna’s eyes shut again.

  At that moment, a nurse entered and checked Joanna.

  “She’s sleeping peacefully now. We called the doctor when she woke. He’ll be here shortly.”

  Thea sighed heavily and then Alex entered the room and engulfed her in a hug
that astounded her.

  “Thank you, thank you, Thea, for coming. I had no idea you two were friends.”

  Thea was emotionally drained and laid her head on his broad shoulder and began crying like a baby. She had actually told Joanna she loved her and the singer hadn’t flinched at all. Maybe there was hope for them yet.

  Chapter Twenty-three

  “She’s my grandmother, not an ogre.”

  “Yeah, but she can be ogre like, if she doesn’t approve of what she sees or hears.”

  “Remind you of anyone?”

  Thea glanced at the woman by her side. Except for the fact that she tired easily in the evening, no one would know she’d been seriously ill. The doctors in Antwerp had discharged her to a doctor near her parent’s home where she was living while convalescing. She was looking good.

  “Yeah, both stubborn as mules.”

  “How can you say that?” Joanna asked in mock seriousness.

  “Easy. I lived with you, remember?”

  “Yeah, I remember,” Joanna replied softly.

  Thea negotiated the next bend before responding to the wistful note in the last comment. “When does Jack want you back?”

  Jo looked at the houses that lined the suburban area.

  “He has a television show lined up for next week and a couple of concerts in Nashville before I go back to Europe and finish the tour.”

  Thea screeched to a halt and turned to Joanna in astonishment. “You have all this already planned?”

  “Well, yeah. I made commitments and gotta make good on them.”

  “You’ve been sick. How can they expect you to go back to such a heavy schedule?”

  “Gran’s place is next block.”

  “I know where your grandmother lives.”

  “Good.” Jo smirked.

  “You never answered me.” Thea could feel her cheeks heat up, indicating her mounting anger.

  “I’m not good at being my own manager.”

  “What do you mean? Lee told me that you would get the best.”

  “I knew he was instrumental in your leaving, Thea. He as much admitted it to me,” Joanna growled. “I told him I already had the best.”

  “What? What do you mean by that? I was your manager.” The driveway for Joanna’s grandmother was in sight and Thea maneuvered toward it.

  “Yeah, and your point would be?”

  “You told him you had the best. I was a raw recruit. He told me so.”

  “His opinion never mattered to me, Thea. You were my manager. I didn’t want anyone else. You only had my best interests at heart. I call that the best.”

  “I did. I would. Always.”

  “Love you, too, Thea.” Joanna turned and winked. “Come on, Gran will be waiting.”

  Thea was flabbergasted as she watched her friend leave the vehicle. Had Joanna really said those special words? Or was it a flippant retort?

  †

  “She was wicked.”

  “Yep, and now you know where I get it from,” Joanna said.

  They were driving toward home after spending what turned out to be a rather enjoyable dinner with Joanna’s grandmother.

  “I do. I do. Wow, I never would have expected it.”

  “You doubt my American roots?”

  “No. No, of course not. She’s lovely, isn’t she? It’s a pity she doesn’t get on with your dad.”

  “Yeah, but I don’t stress myself about it. It is life, after all, and not everything can have the sugary happy ending. Can it?”

  “Guess not.”

  As Thea drove, the rain pattered on the windshield and she concentrated on the road listening as Jo hummed a tune.

  “Sing for me, please, Joanna.”

  “Sorry, I didn’t realize I was humming.” Jo smiled self-consciously. “You always make me feel relaxed and content with my lot in life. I’m glad we’ve had this time together to smooth the cracks in our relationship.”

  During the weeks of her recuperation, she’d hoped Thea might consider going back to Nashville with her when she went back. The scene was set for Thea to leave without causing a problem at the hotel. Karen had taken on another permanent member of staff to cover for Thea during the long periods of Jo’s convalescence. All she had to do was convince Thea that it was the right choice, although she had a good idea that her friend wouldn’t object. They hadn’t discussed Thea’s profession of love at the hospital because it had never seemed the time or place. Perhaps it was time they did.

  For the moment, she was happy to sing, if that’s what her best friend asked for… “Days are uncertain we don’t know what to expect… How I love you each day. Come rain or shine, please be mine,” she finished the song.

  “That was beautiful, Joanna. Thank you. I haven’t heard that one before.”

  “Just another ditty I wrote recently.” She took Thea’s hand. “I was thinking there’s a club on the east side of town. Wanna go?”

  “Are you sure you are well enough?”

  “Sure, I am. Pop’s not expecting me until midnight at least and it’s only nine-thirty.”

  “Okay. I’ve never been to any club in town before. Where is it?”

  †

  Thea had heard about lesbian clubs but she had never been to one, Danvers wasn’t exactly broadminded enough to have any club, never mind a lesbian one. Yet here she was with Joanna and it was both exciting and nerve wracking.

  “How do you know about this place?”

  “Thea, you forget I was brought up here.”

  “Joanna, this is a lesbian club.”

  “Yes, it is. Any objections?”

  “No. No, of course not.”

  Joanna winked at her before holding out her hand. Thea took it shyly as they moved toward the bar.

  “What do you want to drink?”

  “I’ll have a club soda. I’m driving, remember.”

  “We could get a cab later if you want a drink.”

  “Joanna, please don’t forget you’ve been ill.”

  “How could I? You keep reminding me,” Joanna muttered good-naturedly. “A scotch and a club soda,” she told the bartender.

  “What does that mean exactly?” Thea frowned, very conscious of the larger hand still holding hers.

  Thea looked around and was amazed at the number of women in one room. It was a smorgasbord for the naïve and not so naïve lesbian. It was crowded with women laughing together, others stood watching the dancers, and there were some couples so close you couldn’t make out where one woman ended and another began. Here she was with the woman of her dreams, in a place she never in her imagination expected to be, feeling inadequately prepared to deal with the challenge.

  “There’s a table in that corner.” Thea motioned toward a tiny alcove away from the dance floor.

  †

  Jo’s eyes surveyed the area with a sardonic expression.

  It was a typical unobtrusive position for Thea. “You couldn’t have found us a place any more discreet, I see.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Nothing. Let’s sit and have our drinks.”

  After settling into the tiny booth, they both looked at the drinks in front of them rather than at one another.

  “Where did Lackerly come from? I haven’t heard anyone in your family with that last name.”

  Jo grinned. “I needed a stage name so I flipped opened the phone book, closed my eyes, and put my finger on a name. Lackerly is what came up.”

  Thea laughed. “What would you have done if it had been something like Butt?”

  “Jo Butt, I like the sound of that.” Jo’s face turned serious. “Thea,” she began.

  “Jo Xianthos, or should I say, Jo Lackerly. Wow, what a coup in my club.” A willowy woman with brown, wavy hair and a wonderful tan stood next to the table.

  “You haven’t changed, Liz. I see the place is still thriving.”

  “Why, of course, Jo, and why shouldn’t it? Did you think it would nosedive once you stopped perform
ing here?” Liz asked arrogantly.

  “Nope, never considered it. I haven’t your ego, Liz.”

  “I see you can still pick them. She’s good looking but a little old, don’t you think?”

  Jo stood to confront the woman. Before she managed to say anything, Thea was suddenly between them.

  “Joanna simply has taste,” Thea said twinning her fingers with Joanna’s fingers.

  Jo smiled as she gently squeezed Thea’s hand.

  “I didn’t know you needed anyone to speak for you. Then again, now you’re some big shot, aren’t you? Do they know about you and your association here, Jo? I think your country fans might be surprised. Even might cause a few raised eyebrows if they knew what I do.”

  “Are you threatening me?” Jo squared her shoulders. If Liz wanted a cat fight she was up for it. Just.

  “Hardly think so. Liz, isn’t it. Well, Liz, Joanna doesn’t need to pretend anymore, she’s earned her freedom in whatever she wants to do. Isn’t that right, Joanna?” Thea turned her gaze to Jo.

  “That’s right.” Jo nodded.

  †

  Joanna’s slow seductive voice captured Thea and she lost herself completely in the smoldering eyes.

  “Oh, I give up with you, Jo.” Liz stalked off in a huff, half dragging the young woman who clutched her arm along with her.

  Thea was lost in Joanna’s hypnotic gaze as they both returned to their seats in the booth. Slowly, she cleared her throat and smiled. “She wasn’t happy with you.”

  “Nope, she wasn’t. Never has been since we were five and I accidentally pushed her off the swing in the park and she scraped her knees. Never has forgiven me.”

  “Five?” Seeing something from Joanna’s childhood was a new facet for Thea. During the weeks of her convalescence, Joanna’s parents had regaled her with various anecdotes of the singer’s childhood, but this was different.