Waiting for Rain

by Susan Mac Nicol

  “Rain, is this the fuck buddy?” His voice was sultry, teasing.

  Toby’s face tensed at his words. He swallowed as he looked across at Tommy, then at me. I couldn’t bear the beaten expression in my boyfriend’s eyes. Tommy smiled at him lazily, and I wanted to fucking kill him. I turned in a rage to flat-hand Tommy’s chest, and he staggered back, a look of complete surprise on his face.

  “Don’t you fucking call him that, you bastard. He’s nobody’s fuck buddy.” I turned back to the door to see it empty. I left Tommy standing there and hurried out the door. Toby was moving quickly down the gravel drive, heading toward the road. He had his mobile in his hand, and I guessed he was calling for a taxi. This was the second time in our relationship he’d felt the need to leave my home in a hurry.

  “Toby, wait. Please wait.” I caught up with him, and he shoved me fiercely, such a look of sheer pain on his face that it took my breath away. We stood, facing each other down as the breeze blew dust whorls around on the ground.

  “I suppose that’s the ex-boyfriend, then?” he snarled. “Come back to claim his property? Were the two of you having a cozy chat about how I’d filled in the time as your sweet piece of arse while he’d been gone?”

  “Toby, that’s not what happened.” I reached out, clasping his arm, and he gripped my hand, shoving it away. I sensed the suppressed violence in his body, saw the ugly look in his eyes, and I realized that he’d not been kidding when he’d said he had a temper. “Tommy called and asked if we could get together. I wanted to see how I still felt about him. I wanted to make sure I was over him because I had you.”

  He sneered. “And the best way to do that was to shove your tongue down his throat and let him stick his hands on your cock? Oh yes, I can see how that means you’re over him. All over him, more likely.” His eyes were blazing with fury. “And the fact that he had a suitcase all ready to move in with you meant nothing too?”

  I groaned, remembering the bloody troublemaking suitcase. “I’d already told him he wasn’t staying with me. He assumed too much—”

  “Yes, he assumed you were still hot for him, and from what I saw, he wasn’t wrong.” Toby passed a hand over his eyes and then looked at me. I couldn’t bear the look in his eyes, like a beaten animal waiting for the end to come. “Fuck off back to him, Rain, and leave me alone. I mean it. Just leave me the hell alone. Please.” The last word was a plea that tore at my heart.

  He walked away from me, and I watched him go in despair. He was talking on his mobile as his long legs took strides away from me, out of my life. My chest was numb. What the hell had he been doing here, anyway? He was supposed to have been with Simon.

  I walked back to the house. I’d try and call him later, see if he’d cooled down. I had a feeling that wouldn’t be anytime soon, but I had to try. Tommy regarded me warily as I came back into the cottage, totally ignoring him as I picked up the landline. I rang a local taxi firm.

  “Vernon? Rain here. Can you send a taxi to my place, please, as soon as you can? Just for one person. I have no fucking idea where they want to go. I don’t care. I just want them out of my place.” Tommy looked at me in amazement.

  Verne cackled. “Jeez, Rain. You sound thoroughly pissed off, mate. It isn’t Toby you’re mad with, is it? ’Cause that would be a shame. The two of you are such a lovely couple.”

  I closed my eyes in despair. “No. It’s not Toby. It’s some dipshit that needs to get the hell out of my sight before I do something stupid.”

  Vernon chuckled. “All right, mate. I’ll send a car down as soon as I can. Don’t want you arrested for anything criminal now, do we?”

  “Thanks, Verne.” I put the phone down and looked at Tommy. “You bloody fuckwit. That comment about the fuck buddy was so totally out of line.”

  He bit his lip, something that used to drive me crazy, as I thought it was cute, but which now just made me want to punch it. “Hell, Rain, I didn’t know the guy was going to throw a hissy fit. It was just a bloody kiss, for God’s sake.”

  I closed my eyes again, feeling drained. “It wasn’t just a kiss. It was more than that,” I said quietly. “Where Toby’s come from, he has a hard time trusting people. He doesn’t give himself easily. And I just fucked it all up.” My voice caught, and Tommy stared at me strangely.

  “My God,” he said wondrously. “You’re in love with the guy, aren’t you?” I had no intention of talking about what I felt for Toby with Tommy, so I kept quiet.

  Tommy rambled on. “Rain, I missed you. I know I was a bloody idiot to leave you, but it was what I needed at the time. Now I need you. I was really hoping we could get back together. Maybe you could come to Monte Carlo with me?”

  I shook my head tiredly. “There is no ‘we.’ Not anymore. And you can’t just do what you want because it’s what you ‘need’ either. Other people have needs too. I needed you then.” I ran a hand through my hair. “When you left, I was going to ask you to get married. I’d bought the rings and was ready to pop the question.” Tommy’s face was a picture of disbelief. “Then you came in one night and said you needed space, and you fucked off to Monte Carlo. That hurt. It’s why I came down here to Stamford, to get away from it all.”

  “Rain, I had no idea you wanted me to marry you.” Tommy moved over toward me.

  I shook my head. “Just stay away, Tom. I’d like you to wait outside, actually. The taxi shouldn’t be long. Remember to get your suitcase packed in as well.”

  He stared at me, then shrugged again and picked up his bag. He moved toward the door and then turned. His face was angry. “I’ll be in touch, then, about selling the house. I need the money. Don’t fuck with me on this one, Rain. I don’t want things to get nasty. But I will if that’s what it takes.”

  Then he turned and disappeared. I knew then at his words that whatever we’d had was irrevocably over. I shut the door behind him, sinking down against it as I sat on the floor, my elbows on my knees. I wanted to scream, but I didn’t want to give Tommy the satisfaction of hearing how upset I was.

  “God, Toby, please give us a second chance,” I whispered as I sat on the cold stone floor. “I love you.” I thought sadly that, now it seemed to be over, I could say the words I’d struggled to say before. I had to fix this before it was too late.

  Chapter 17

  Toby

  THE RIDE back to the hotel was the longest journey I’d ever made in my life. The taxi had picked me up halfway down the long gravel road from Rain’s cottage to the main road. I’d gotten into the back. The taxi driver saw I was in no mood for small talk. My hands were trembling and cold. The taste in my mouth was like ashes, making my throat dry. I felt dead inside and wanted nothing more than to crawl into a dark place and never wake up.

  Seeing Rain kissing his ex like that, seeing the man’s hand on his groin and Rain’s acquiescence, had shaken my world off its axis. I’d thought I was that man for Rain, but obviously not. Then the comment about being the fuck buddy had simply been the last straw. I’d heard Rain snarl about not calling me that, but the damage was already done.

  I’d wanted to surprise my lover. I’d managed to get away from Simon’s frenetic activity for a short while. The man was driving me crazy, and I needed a respite from the slide shows of the new hotel, the plans, and the stories around its creation, entertaining though some of them were. I’d wanted to surprise Rain at the cottage, maybe for a little afternoon loving. He’d said he wasn’t working today because he had some plans to finish for the new library.

  Yep, sure, he was working on his plans. Plans to fuck his ex-boyfriend, more likely.

  The taxi had dropped me at the end of the road, and I’d walked up so he wouldn’t know I was coming. But then it had all turned to shit. I’d seen them sitting together, Tommy’s mouth excavating Rain’s and Rain letting him do it. That was what hurt the most. At least when Mikey had kissed me at the hotel, I’d been prepared and pushed him off. But Rain looked as if he’d been enjoying this exploration of his mo
uth. I’d been a bloody fool to think we had something special. I’d almost told him I loved him the night we had the champagne games but had gotten cold feet at the last minute. I was glad I hadn’t now. I would have looked like a bloody fool.

  The taxi dropped me off, and I paid him. Tammy wasn’t at the reception desk, thank God, as her eagle eyes would have picked up something wrong straightaway. I didn’t want to answer any questions. Stacey eyed me curiously as I stormed into the office. I had catering plans and stock takes to finish, so I thought it would help take my mind off things for a while. I couldn’t really concentrate. In a temper, I slammed my hand down on the desk, making the cold coffee I’d forgotten to drink spill everywhere.

  “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I muttered under my breath. I heard an amused chuckle from the doorway.

  Simon stood there, his eyes twinkling at my bad temper. “Toby, my boy, you look like a little thundercloud. What the hell is wrong?” He moved into the office and looked at me curiously.

  I shook my head. “Just a little mishap, Si. Nothing that won’t clean up.” I reached over and pulled out some tissues from the box that Tammy kept on the desk.

  He stood next to me, his hand on my shoulder. “I wasn’t talking about the coffee,” he said quietly. “I was talking about the man. Something or someone has upset you. I know you too well.”

  I mopped up the spillage, saying nothing. My mobile bleeped, and I scowled. It was a text from Rain. I wanted to ignore it, but instead, like a lovesick teenager, I picked it up and read the message.

  Toby, Tommy’s gone. I promise. There’s only you. We need to talk. R x

  I snorted, slamming the phone down on the table.

  Simon regarded me with wise eyes. “Are you fighting with Rain?”

  I pressed my lips together mutinously.

  Simon sighed. “Toby, we all fight with people we love. The trick is not to let it get out of control. What’s the man done to deserve your ‘Toby ire,’ fierce as it is?”

  I took a deep breath. “I found him with his ex and his tongue halfway down his throat.”

  Simon’s eyes widened. “Ah. I can see why that might have upset you. Did he say why?”

  I looked at him in amazement. “Isn’t it bloody obvious? There’s normally only one reason you kiss your ex, and that’s because you want to, because you like it. And he liked it, believe me.” My voice was bitter.

  My boss sighed. “Sometimes things aren’t black and white, my boy. And from what I know about Rain, he really cares for you. I can’t see him doing anything to jeopardize that.” His voice was gentle, and my eyes prickled with tears. I blinked them away fiercely.

  “That wasn’t what I saw,” I muttered. “And that bloody ex of his had the temerity to call me Rain’s fuck buddy.”

  Simon winced. “That’s not pleasant. What did Rain say about that?”

  I looked at him, a little nonplussed, remembering Rain’s fury at Tommy’s words. “That I was nobody’s fuck buddy. He got pretty angry about it—smacked his ex in the chest.”

  Simon pursed his lips. “Did you at least let him explain what happened between them?”

  I said nothing, just scowled. Simon nodded sagely, and I wished like hell he’d stop being so bloody reasonable.

  The man was supposed to be in love with me, for God’s sake, you’d think he’d be rubbing his hands in glee at the fact that his main competitor was out of the running.

  “Toby, you know I care deeply for you, far more than I should. And that is my cross to bear, because I know you don’t feel the same way.” I opened my mouth to say something, and he reached across and laid a gentle finger on my lips.

  “Let me finish. The past few months you have been a different person. You’ve opened up to someone and really let them in, and for you that is an incredible feat. You trusted Rain, and I can understand that you feel betrayed. God knows, with what you suffered in your past and that last ghastly foster home you were in with those dreadful children, you have every right to be wary of people. But this man has been good for you. You can’t throw that away without a very good reason.”

  I felt a chill down my spine. “What do you mean the foster home I was in and the dreadful children?” I’d never told Simon much about my life before I’d finished hotel school seven years ago. He knew I’d been a foster kid from the age of ten, being pushed from pillar to post, and about the incident with Landon, of course, but that was all. I’d spared him any further details, especially about Ricky or my last placing.

  Simon looked a little uncomfortable, as if he’d said something he regretted. “I’m assuming there was a home you didn’t really like, with awful kids. There’s always one in every foster kid story, isn’t there?”

  I eyed him carefully. “You sounded as if you knew something specific, Si. I know you well enough.” I waited as he fidgeted with his tie. I could be patient too.

  He held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. “Toby, I don’t want you getting pissed with me. Can you promise me you won’t be?”

  “It depends on what you tell me,” I said, regarding him evenly. “This sounds serious.”

  He looked at me with a hint of fear in his eyes. “Toby, you have to promise me you won’t be mad. I couldn’t bear it if you were.” The vulnerability in his voice made me cold. This was the man who’d given me back my life and taken me on when no one else would. I couldn’t ever be mad at him.

  “I promise,” I said. He looked relieved, sitting down in the chair behind the desk.

  “I remember when you came to see me for the interview, at the age of twenty-three, so self-possessed and confident. Then you told me about what you’d done to Landon and looked at me as if you expected me to kick you out. I’m hazarding a guess that as soon as you were honest about who you were and what you’d done, people switched off and told you ‘Don’t call us, we’ll call you.’ Am I right?”

  I nodded silently. That was exactly how it had been. I had been out of work for months because I’d been honest. Simon carried on.

  “No one wanted a gay man who’d bashed another man, causing him injury. Yet you had to tell the truth. It wasn’t in you to lie even if you wanted a job.”

  “I am who I am, Simon. I won’t hide it for anyone. I fought tooth and nail to rise above—” I cut my words off. I’d already said enough. He smiled softly.

  “My boy, that’s exactly why I employed you. This industry is an incestuous one, and everyone knows everything. Before you even came for the interview, I knew about you and Landon. I knew a lot more too. I was intrigued by this young man who didn’t cut corners, who wouldn’t compromise himself.” He looked at me warily. “I had an old lover who worked for the police department. She did me the kindness of looking up your police record and gave me what she had on file.”

  I gazed at him in horror. “You what? You checked my police file?” I moved agitatedly around the table to perch my backside on the desk in front of him.

  “Remember your promise, Toby,” he said gently. “I didn’t ask for all the details. I just wanted to know if the story you told about Landon checked out. I couldn’t have someone working at this hotel that might be a risk. I’m sure you could appreciate that.” He swallowed as I glared at him. “But Joyce sent me everything she had. I was curious, Toby.” He shrugged apologetically. “I read it all. It just reinforced my belief that you were the right person for this hotel. The right person for me.” He took my hand in his. “You were a young man who had been to hell and back yet still managed to finish your GCSE, put yourself through hotel school, and retain a sense of who you were despite everything you’d been through.”

  “So, all this time you’ve known me, you’ve known about the arson, about—” I swallowed. “About Ricky?”

  Simon nodded. “Yes. Not all the facts, of course, but I can read between the lines. And I can quite safely say I am so privileged to have known you these past four years. You’ve grown so much and become a wonderful man, Toby. You should be so proud of your
self. I am.”

  I couldn’t speak. Every secret I’d ever tried to hide, and Simon was telling me he’d known all about them and yet still had employed me, nurtured me, and looked after me. The fact he’d accessed my police file had been forgotten. I stared at him, and he smiled. He stood up, gently pulled my head toward his, and kissed me tenderly on the forehead.

  “Have you told Rain about your past, Toby?”

  I looked up into his eyes, nodding. “Yes. He knows most of it. Probably more than you do, actually.”

  “Do you love him?” His voice was almost steady, but I heard the tremor. I nodded. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I had to tell him the truth. He deserved that.

  “Yes, I love him. But that doesn’t seem to be enough—”

  He laid a finger on my lips for the second time. The pain in his eyes at my admission made my heart break, but I couldn’t lie to him. “Then give him a chance to tell you what was happening between him and his ex. Listen to him. If after that you still feel the same way as you do now, then so be it. But at least you can say you did it outside of the heat of the moment. Take it from someone who’s made that mistake before.”

  “It hurts, Si,” I said, all choked up. “Seeing him like that with another man. I don’t think I can talk to him yet.”

  “Then do what you bloody young people do so well and text him, Facebook him, twitter him, whatever.” Simon waved his hands around frenziedly. I smiled despite the ache in my heart.

  “It’s ‘tweet,’ not twitter. Don’t you old people know anything?”

  We smiled at each other fondly, and he pulled me to my feet and hugged me. He squeezed me tightly, and when he let me go his voice was husky.

  “You know I still love you deep inside, Toby. But I respect your choice to love Rain. Just don’t fuck it up for yourself.”

  He caressed my cheek gently, then left the room. I stood there for a minute, not knowing what to do next. I sighed and switched on the computer. A few hours of mind-numbing stock taking and finances might take my mind off Rain for a little while until I decided what I was going to do.