Dreams That Won't Let Go

by Stacy Hawkins Adams

  Peyton nudged her husband. “What he meant to say was, ‘Thanks to such fabulous hosts for such a fabulous dinner,’” she said. “This was great, you guys. I’m glad we’ve found some time to get together.”

  Reuben grew sober and looked pointedly at Indigo. “Yeah, me too,” he said. “It means a lot, especially with all that’s gone on recently.”

  Indigo shifted her gaze from Reuben’s. She rose from the table and headed toward the island to retrieve dessert. “Do you guys want ice cream with your peach cobbler, or either dessert by itself?”

  Peyton patted her hips. “I don’t need anything, girlfriend! Living in the South is catching up with me! You guys cook too well and too often! I take Charles David on a daily walk through the neighborhood, but I’m going to have to invest in a treadmill.”

  Indigo laughed and scooped mint chocolate chip ice cream into a small dish, which she placed in front of Peyton. “Go on, with your tiny self. I heard this is your favorite flavor. I didn’t give you too much.”

  Peyton wagged her finger at Indigo and frowned. “I’m going to pay you back for this, you know.” She took a bite and looked at Reuben. “Don’t you start complaining when there’s more of me to love. It’s your sister’s fault.”

  “It’s all good, babe,” Reuben said.

  Indigo smiled as she watched how he gazed at and addressed his wife. It softened her heart toward him some. She had her issues with him, but he was a good guy. Everything she’d seen and heard since he moved back home pointed to that; she just needed to follow everyone’s advice and give him a chance. Maybe that was Max’s plan all along. Tonight was a good start.

  “How’d you two meet?” Max asked Reuben and Peyton. He dug into the bowl of peach cobbler topped with vanilla ice cream that Indigo sat in front of him and Reuben at the same time.

  Reuben looked at Peyton. “You want to do the honors?”

  “I’m enjoying my ice cream,” she said and laughed. “You go ahead!”

  Indigo had heard the story before, when Reuben brought Peyton and Charles David home for the first time, four years ago. Mama and Daddy hadn’t known how to interact with a blind daughter-in-law who was also the mother of an infant, but Peyton had quickly put them at ease, reassuring them that while they had the advantage of checking her out physically and watching her every move, she would get to know their voices, their footsteps, and more importantly, their hearts, in no time at all. Within days, she had won them over.

  It had taken them awhile to give up some of the stereotypical behavior people with disabilities routinely faced—the raised voices when they talked to her, the efforts to hold her hand instead of letting her feel her way around a room and permanently learn how to navigate it. Once they got used to her level of self-sufficiency, her blindness mostly became a non-issue.

  Like her routine neighborhood walks with Charles David. Indigo realized she hadn’t flinched when Peyton mentioned it, because she knew her sister-in-law had somehow worked out a system with Charles David and with her neighbors that kept both of them safe.

  Reuben launched into the tale of their meeting while Max sat back to eat and listen. “I took a break from work one morning to go to the local courthouse and get a copy of the deed to my townhouse, because I was thinking about refinancing,” he said. “I was trotting up a set of steep steps when I heard someone call out, ‘Excuse me, sir, can you tell me which one of the buildings in this block is the courthouse?’”

  Reuben had assumed a high-pitched, singsong voice in the effort to mimic his wife. Peyton swatted his arm.

  “Drop the impersonation, please!”

  Reuben ignored her and continued. “Well, we were clearly right in front of the courthouse, in front of a big sign at the top of the steps that said as much.” He laughed. “I turned around, armed with my sarcastic reply, and there was this tiny woman peering in my direction and carrying a white cane. She was wearing a fitted black pantsuit and had an oversized Coach bag slung over her shoulder, and looked like she’d just stepped off the pages of a fashion magazine.

  “Between wondering how she had dressed herself so well and who had dropped her off in downtown Seattle with no instructions, I went back down the steps and offered to lead her up.

  “She put me in my place: ‘No thank you, I can get up the steps just fine. I simply need to know which building. But thank you.’

  “Well, after that, I was intrigued,” Reuben said and looked toward Peyton. “First of all, how had she known I was a man if she couldn’t see? She had referred to me as ‘sir’ when she first called out. And how on earth was she getting around Seattle with just a cane, and what could she possibly do in the courthouse without being able to read the records without assistance?

  “So I followed her inside and watched her head toward the criminal courts. Well, I knew sight-impaired individuals had a keen sense of hearing, but this girl was amazing. She turned and asked why I was following her, and wanted to know if I needed help.”

  Reuben laughed at the memory. Peyton swallowed a mouthful of ice cream and grinned.

  “I’ve had limited eyesight since birth and became totally blind when I was three, because of a rare form of hereditary blindness called LCA,” she said. “Since I couldn’t see well, and eventually not at all, my other senses were heightened. I knew Reuben was a man by the cadence of his walk and the cologne he wore, and for those same reasons, I could tell he was following me once we got inside the courthouse.”

  Indigo was floored again, just as she had been the first time she’d heard the story. She recalled how she had grieved when she learned she had glaucoma at age twenty-two and how she feared she might someday be blind. Peyton defied what it meant to be sight impaired. She had the most confident and independent spirit of anyone Indigo had met.

  Reuben continued. “I told her I was following her because she was beautiful, and I was curious.”

  Peyton chuckled. “I couldn’t see him, but the brother sounded fine. So I bought the line.”

  Both couples laughed.

  “I did think she was beautiful,” Reuben said. “Look at her— she is.”

  Indigo smiled. Peyton was pretty. With her shoulder-length locks, long eyelashes, heart-shaped face, and cocoa skin, she was a petite Barbie doll. Her sweet and giving spirit made her even more attractive.

  Indigo marveled at the fact that her brother hadn’t been daunted by Peyton’s blindness. That would have been a huge barrier for most men. Reuben obviously had been questioned about that.

  “And no,” he said, as if reading Indigo’s thoughts, “I wasn’t intimidated by the fact that she was blind. I think because she was so sure of herself, her lack of sight seemed unimportant. This was a sister who could get where she wanted to go and who was perceptive enough to know who was in her space. That was pretty attractive.”

  “Well, how did you find out what he looked like?” Max asked Peyton. “I mean, on a first date, do you touch a guy’s face to determine his features?”

  “I did with Reuben,” Peyton said. “After that courthouse encounter, where I was rushing to serve jury duty, he invited me for coffee the next morning. When we met at Starbucks, we just hit it off. We liked the same music, we both got a kick out of betting on how many days of sunshine we’d get each month in Seattle, we had the same philosophy about education and arts, and we enjoyed some of the same hangouts, even though we’d never crossed paths.

  “It just seemed like we had been friends forever,” Peyton said. “So when he walked me back to the Metro bus stop that morning, I asked if he’d mind if I traced his face with my fingers, to get a sense of who he was.

  “Now mind you, we were in a busy area, in the middle of the morning, with other people bustling around us. I was probably already drawing attention because of my shades on a cloudy Seattle day and my white cane. But Reuben Burns said, ‘Sure. Help yourself.’

  “Because I’m just five feet two, he sat on a bench next to me and turned his face toward me. He let me tra
ce from his forehead to his jaw with both my fingers, right then and there.”

  Indigo was stunned. This man was her brother, but she really didn’t know him.

  “Were people watching?” she asked Reuben.

  He nodded. “There were quite a few stares. I wasn’t embarrassed, but it was a little bit uncomfortable. I liked her though—a lot, and I didn’t think it was fair that I knew what she looked like and she didn’t have the same goods on me. I survived.”

  “Well, what’d you think?” Indigo asked.

  “My fingers didn’t disappoint me—he was handsome!” Peyton said and laughed. “I had to think about future kids, you know?”

  Peyton rested a hand on Reuben’s arm and sat back and smiled. “God and I have a pretty good friendship. I talk to him about everything, all the time. I trust that things that happen in my life happen for a reason and usually work out for my good.

  “On the morning I had jury duty, a cab was supposed to pick me up and get me to the courthouse early, but the taxi driver had a flat, and the replacement driver was forty minutes away. My parents also lived about half an hour from me at that time. I had just moved into an apartment close to the school where I served as a teacher’s assistant while I worked on my master’s in education. Mom and Daddy would have gotten me there late too because of the morning commuter traffic.” Peyton leaned forward and made a teepee with her hands as she continued down memory lane.

  “So I did the next best thing and called ACCESS, a private transportation company that takes disabled residents wherever they need to go throughout the Seattle area. By the time they dropped me off downtown, I had ten minutes to spare before court started.

  “I told the driver to let me out and I’d find my way inside. That’s when I heard Reuben running up a set of steps. Had my taxi been on time, that never would have happened. Not everyone I meet feels comfortable offering me help. Reuben not only was comfortable, he also had the nerve to flirt with me!

  “Then, when he asked for a coffee date and allowed me to trace his face in public?” Peyton slapped the table with the palm of her hand. “That was it. I knew that God had sent my soul mate. I just had to wait for him to tell Reuben.”

  Reuben squirmed in his seat and Peyton patted his arm.

  “He doesn’t talk to God like I do, didn’t then and still doesn’t now, but God worked it all out,” she said.

  Indigo was curious about that last comment. As much as Christians made about not being unequally “yoked,” or marrying someone who wasn’t at the same level of faith, how had Peyton determined that Reuben still fit the bill if he were missing that criteria? She’d have to ask her that later.

  Reuben resumed the story. “I don’t know if I knew that day that she would be my wife, but I knew I had found someone special. There was just something about her. She was more independent and more focused than any other woman I had met, and yet she had this soft side—she wasn’t afraid to still be a woman and allow me to wine and dine her and open doors for her. I probably knew she was the one by the third date.”

  “But—” Peyton held up a finger and smirked. “He already had a girlfriend, and she wasn’t too happy when he started backing off, especially when she found out it was for a ‘handicapped chick,’ as she unkindly put it.”

  “Ya’ll had some drama!” Indigo said and laughed. “Peyton, did you beat her down or pray for her?”

  Peyton laughed. “Neither. I didn’t have the problem—either she did or Reuben did. They needed to decide individually and as a couple what they were going to do. In the meantime, I just kept being me and doing my thing. If Reuben wanted to go out, fine. If he didn’t call, fine. I stayed focused on my graduate classes, my young students, and on taking care of me. That’s why I was always so cute when he saw me!”

  Max grinned at Indigo and took her hand.

  “You sound a little like my babe,” Max told Peyton. “When I first tried to date her, she kept putting me off, because she had just ended an engagement. She was doing her own thing in New York, and I had to convince her that I was her guy.”

  Reuben nodded. “They are alike, man,” he said. “I’d call Peyton to ask for a date and she’d tell me I should have called earlier in the week—she had plans. I’d offer to take her places and she’d refuse, determined to rely on her regular modes of transportation because she didn’t use friends that way.

  “It wasn’t until I made up my mind that she was the one, that things got better,” he said and laughed. “I officially ended it with the other girl and told Peyton that I needed her to give me a chance.”

  Peyton blushed. “He said I made him better, just by being me. Isn’t that why we give ourselves to someone else in a relationship? Not just for our own needs, but to help them thrive and become all they can be?

  “We were leaving dinner one night when he shared that, and I was done. He had me. When he proposed after just six months, I said yes.”

  They kissed lightly now and smiled at each other. Peyton obviously couldn’t see Reuben’s reaction, but she seemed to innately know it was there.

  “How long have you two been married? Any pointers for us?” Max asked.

  “Six years,” Reuben said.

  Indigo again wondered how he could have done that without letting Mama and Daddy know.

  “Did you have a wedding?” she asked. Caution filled Reuben’s eyes when he nodded and she knew he’d heard the edge in her voice.

  “Yeah, we did,” he said. “In the church that Peyton attended her entire life.” He hesitated, but continued. “It was beautiful.”

  Indigo couldn’t help herself, despite the warning in Max’s eyes. She felt herself growing angry again, but maybe Reuben could temper her fire with his answer.

  “Who sat on the groom’s side of the church? What did you tell Peyton about your family?”

  Reuben reached for Peyton’s hand. Before he could respond, she did.

  “He told me the truth, Indigo,” she said.

  “Which was?”

  Peyton cocked her ear toward Reuben and waited.

  “I told her that my parents were dead and that my paternal grandparents who raised me lived in Texas and I hadn’t seen them in years. I told her I had two sisters that I hadn’t been as close to as I should have, and I would feel awkward inviting you guys to my wedding when I had been out of touch for so long. I told her that I loved her and wanted to build a life with her, but I was still trying to figure out what do with my old life.”

  It seemed odd to Indigo that a girl who was as self-assured as Peyton had been described would fall for someone as ambivalent as Reuben made himself sound. There had to be more to this story. If there weren’t, he was as selfish as she had imagined all this time.

  “When did you figure out ‘what to do with your old life,’ Reuben?” Indigo asked. “Or better yet, what led you to finally give up the good life and come back here? Were you running from something?”

  Max squeezed her knee under the table, letting her know she had overstepped her brother’s boundaries.

  “I’m still figuring out what to do with my past, Indigo,” he said and peered into her eyes. “Truthfully, that’s why I came back home. The fact that Yasmin has run away breaks my heart, because getting closer to you two is part of that plan. I’m not running away from anything, I’m running toward something, I hope.”

  He looked at Peyton before continuing. “I hope you and I can work through whatever animosity you have toward me, Indigo, so we can be there for each other. That’s what I want. That’s what I’m struggling for.”

  Indigo folded her arms across her chest. His choice of the word “struggling” puzzled her. What did that mean?

  “Really, Reuben? What else do you want? Me to forget that when I was fourteen you went off to college and left me at home to deal with Mama’s alcoholism and Daddy’s emotional absence, and a little sister who was needy and had no one but me? You want me to forget that you rarely called and you never checked on me
? When you left for college and refused to come back, you didn’t just leave Mama and Daddy behind, you left me and you left Yasmin. She was too young to really have a connection, but I needed you, Reuben. I really did.”

  She hadn’t meant to go there, but the truth poured out before she could stop herself. Tears teetered on her lids and her voice quivered. It felt good to release her frustrations, but she knew she had opened up a set of new issues with her brother.

  “I’m sorry,” she said once she had composed herself. “I’m out of line. I should have saved all of that for another time.” She should have saved it for the leather journal she’d been pouring her heart into lately, she chided herself.

  Reuben’s smile was rueful. “I’m glad you didn’t, Indigo. Until everyone in this family starts owning their issues and accepting that we can’t control each other’s choices and perspectives, someone’s always going to feel trapped, like they’re living a lie just to keep the peace. We’re not going to get Yasmin home until we change that and start loving each other unconditionally.”

  Indigo couldn’t mask her surprise. Reuben kept countering her judgment of him with just what she needed to hear.

  It struck her, as she recognized the sincerity in his voice and for the first time saw the pain that filled his eyes, that while she had been condemning him for his past, he had been judging himself by that same measure.

  She was still angry at the college-bound brother who left Jubilant thirteen years earlier, but tonight she’d had dinner and fellowship with the man he had become. This person was someone special, someone to be admired. She had to find a way to accept that and stop harping on the past.

  If she didn’t, she would be no better than the old Reuben or the young Yasmin. She hadn’t estranged herself from the family to figure out who she was, but she had been clinging so tightly to her expectations of everyone else’s role that she was in danger of repeating the crippling patterns that had kept the Burnses from growing and thriving.

  Indigo decided right then that she didn’t want to take those issues into her marriage with Max. She wanted better for herself and for her future children, and she was willing to do whatever it would take to change.