A Love of Her Own

by Bettye Griffin

  “Linda, what’s going on? In our infertility support group you said your endometriosis was so severe you had to have a hysterectomy.”

  “I did. It cost me a husband, and I thought I’d never get over it. But then I met Neil. He’s wonderful, Ava. He’s been married before, too, but only for a few years. He’s gotten everything he’s wanted out of life except children. He told me from the beginning that he wanted a family, that even one child would be fine. I agreed.”

  “Linda, how could agree to such a thing when you knew it was impossible?”

  “I didn’t want to lose him, Ava! Don’t you understand? I can’t be dumped twice in a lifetime because I can’t have kids!”

  Ava took her friend’s hand. “I know what happened to you was devastating, and I think your husband—your first husband, I mean—was a macho heel to treat you the way he did, but don’t you see how wrong this is? Obviously you can’t keep up the charade forever. So what happens? A faked miscarriage?” She drew in a breath. “Surely you’re not planning to steal someone’s baby!”

  “Of course not. It’ll be a miscarriage. What other choice do I have? I’ve been faking having periods all this time.”

  Ava shook her head. “Linda, how could you?”

  “Everybody can’t be as noble as you are, Ava, and walk out of an otherwise happy marriage.”

  “But it’s what Neil wanted. How can you knowingly deprive him of that?”

  “I have no choice,” Linda repeated. “It’ll be soon, after we’re back home. He has to go out of town on business the second week in January, and by the time he gets home it’ll all be over. Then I’ll just never be able to conceive again. That’s not so unusual for women my age. I’m forty-two, you know. Maybe then Neil will want to adopt. He wasn’t too keen on the idea when I suggested that my childbearing years might be behind me.”

  “Oh, Linda.” Ava shook her head.

  “Please go along with me on this, Ava. I can’t tell you how much it means to me.”

  “What about your family? How do you know your father won’t give it away?”

  “My father doesn’t even know I had a hysterectomy. All I told him at the time was that I needed gynecological surgery. He knew from when my mother was alive that I had all kinds of female troubles, but I didn’t have the surgery until after my mother had passed. You know how uncomfortable men are with details. He’s remarried now, and my stepmother doesn’t know about it either.” She paused, her eyes locked with her friend’s. “Ava, are you with me on this? I need to know.”

  “I won’t say anything,” she said after a long moment of silence.

  “Oh, thank you, honey!” Linda hugged her, but it was with a limp hand that Ava patted her friend’s shoulder.

  Chapter 6

  “Your friends seemed nice,” Hilton commented when they were seated at a table.

  “Well, I only know Linda. This was the first time I met her husband. I didn’t even know she had remarried.”

  “I wouldn’t imagine you two went to school together. She looks closer to my age than yours.”

  “No, we didn’t go to school together, but Nile Beach, where we both grew up, is a small town.” Of course, it wouldn’t do to say where she knew Linda from.

  “Neil’s tickled pink about her pregnancy. He said he’s forty-five and this will be his first child. I guess he was too busy making money. He mentioned he’s with First Florida, and from the looks of that watch he’s wearing and the size of Linda’s diamond, I don’t think he’s a teller. I thought I had gotten a late start, and I was thirty-five when my son was born. But then again, their kid will have everything…plus both parents to boot,” he concluded, sounding wistful.

  The grass is always greener, Ava thought bitterly, still angry over Linda’s deceiving her husband. Granted, it wasn’t her business, but she felt Linda was wrong to lie to Neil…and wrong to ask her to help conceal it. But Ava felt trapped. Linda had been devastated by her infertility…how could she refuse to help her out?

  “I think you’re beating yourself up unfairly over your situation, Hilton,” she said now. “Plenty of kids have parents who don’t get along. It might not make for the most pleasant set of circumstances, but it’s not the end of the world, either.”

  “Maybe, but like I said before, the holiday only drives it all home.”

  Ava was tired of discussing children, especially after learning about Linda’s dishonesty. She decided to broach a topic she had been curious about. “You mentioned you weren’t interested in expanding your business. That seemed unusual to me; it seems like everyone’s breaking their necks to make money these days.”

  “Success is something that’s really measured by a personal yardstick. Money is fine, but it can’t buy you the things that count. Do you think ultra-wealthy people like Jackie Onassis or Reginald Lewis would have died so young if all their millions could have kept them alive? I’m content with having everything I need and some other things just because it’s what I want.”

  “Oh.” She didn’t know what to say. She had never met anyone quite like Hilton White.

  *****

  Ava placed candy canes on the Christmas tree, trying to maintain symmetry in the spacing. All around was laughter, gaiety and singing along with the Christmas music on the CD player, but it went right over her head. She simply wasn’t in the mood for socializing.

  She had a familiar routine for the days before the holiday. Every year she went to the mall on or just before Christmas Eve and purchased gifts for everyone on her list in a matter of a few hours. This, as well as attending church services Christmas morning, was the only time she felt true holiday spirit, completely immersed in wishing joy to the world and good will toward everyone. But somewhere between her shopping and her worship, usually on Christmas Eve, her enthusiasm waned, improving only slightly on December twenty-sixth but not truly back to her normal self until her spirits were lifted by the start of a new year on January first. She felt terribly out of place, like a satin dress in July, and wondered how she could possibly be so melancholy in a room full of gaiety. Perhaps she’d make her excuses and just go home. But she didn’t want to miss Hilton, whose last words to her had been that he hoped to see her later. “Just don’t wait for me, since I’m not sure if I’ll be able to make it. I don’t want to inconvenience my father by showing up at his house in the middle of the night. Then again, I might bunk at my brother’s tonight. They’re a little more flexible.”

  “You’re awfully quiet tonight,” Zena Lucas commented as she placed ornaments on the six-foot spruce. “You okay?”

  “Sure, I’m fine,” Ava replied. She was pleased at how convincing she sounded. She would have believed herself if she didn’t know better. “You all ready for tomorrow?”

  “As ready as I’m going to be. It’s still relatively easy. The real fun will start when my daughter is old enough to know the deal. Now I only have to deal with my son.” Zena, married to Kendall’s brother Barry, had a four-year-old son and a newborn daughter.

  “That’s it,” Zena said with finality as she fastened a round red ornament on an upper branch. “I’ve done my share. Come on and chill with me, Ava. Leave some of the ornaments for some of the others.” She lowered her voice. “I feel sorry for the poor sap who gets stuck with the lights. Those things always get tangled, no matter how careful you are when you put them away the year before.”

  “I’m surprised you were able to get away from the kids,” Ava remarked as they walked over to the refreshment area.

  “My in-laws are babysitting, which will work very well. Elgin will be fast asleep by nine o’clock and will stay asleep until morning. He’s been asking about Santa Claus all day long, and to be very honest I’m sick and tired of hearing about it. I don’t even mind if Sasha is up screaming. She tends to be night owl.”

  “You’re so lucky, Zena. A boy and a girl, right off the bat.”

  “Yes, I’ve been fortunate. I read somewhere that the odds are usually in favor o
f the second child being be the same sex as the first, so people who want one of each often have to try at least three times, and even that’s no guarantee. And Barry’s a wonderful husband and father; he really is.” Zena looked at her curiously. “So what’s happening with you, hon? Are you still lovin’ ‘em and leavin’ ‘em?”

  Ava bristled. Zena’s bluntness made her sound so callous and cruel. “Not lately,” she finally answered when she realized there was nothing she could say in her own defense. There was no denying that she hadn’t allowed any man to get too close. It seemed pointless. Men wanted something from women that she was unable to give, and letting a few dates to develop into anything deeper would only prolong the inevitable heartbreak, so before too long she had broken off each relationship or become so difficult that the man broke up with her. But as she got older available men were becoming scarcer, and lately she found herself wondering what her life would be like in twenty years.

  It had already occurred to Ava that the passage of time would eliminate her problem, for a woman over forty-five would hardly be expected to have babies. She hoped she’d be able to find a nice mature gentleman to spend her later years with, but what if there weren’t any men of a certain age around? And what if the interest of those who were available lay with women half their age?

  What a depressing thought.

  “Well, you know I’m the queen of unsolicited advice,” Zena began.

  “Yes, I do,” Ava replied with a smile.

  “Just thought I’d pave the way before I start giving it. Now let me ask you something. Have you ever thought about doing things differently? Like maybe letting it be known at first opportunity that you can’t have children? It doesn’t mean you’ll be dropped like the proverbial hot potato, Ava. Plenty of married folks have fertility problems.”

  “That’s right, Zena, they do. But they usually don’t know there’s a problem until after they’re married and have been trying for a while, and while many couples hang in there, a lot of marriages go belly up because of the tension.” In Ava’s opinion a couple would have to be nuts to go into a marriage under such stress, unless both parties could honestly say that while having kids would be nice, being childless was okay too.

  She would never forget the day when the fertility specialist gave her and her husband the grim news. “There are other options,” the physician had continued, “but I have to tell you the odds are highly against you, based on the findings of the laparotomy. You should consider having a fibroidectomy now to avoid a hysterectomy later. But that’s really incidental. You’ve got scarring at the bases of both your fallopian tubes, and that’s what’s going to prevent you from conceiving.”

  Even after so many years since that awful day, the words that changed her life still rang in her ears. Her husband had quickly regained his composure, but his original stricken look said it all. In that moment Ava knew her marriage was over. The double whammy knocked the wind out of her, but she simply could not deny the man she loved his lifelong dream of being a parent.

  “All right, you’ve got a point,” Zena conceded. “But why not give it a try anyway? You might be surprised.” She cleared her throat. “Don’t look now, but the duke and duchess are here.” Then she breezed past Ava, who turned in time to see her greeting Connie Duke.

  “You look wonderful,” Connie was saying.

  “Thanks. I’ve still got about fifteen pounds of baby fat to lose,” Zena replied, patting her hips. “It’s hell getting back in shape after the second one, isn’t it?” Then she moved on to greet Connie’s husband, and Ava stepped forward.

  “Hello, Connie. Merry Christmas.”

  “Thank you, Ava. The same to you.” Connie’s smile was warm and genuine.

  “How’re the kids?”

  “Anxiously awaiting Santa Claus,” Clifton Duke replied as he bent to kiss Ava’s cheek. “How are you, Ava?”

  “I’m well, thanks. It’s good to see you guys. I hope you plan to bring the kids to my open house New Year’s. I’d love to see them.”

  “We wouldn’t miss it,” Connie said.

  *****

  By eight o’clock Ava’s smile was starting to feel pasted on. While she did enjoy seeing old friends, she felt that familiar emptiness as she asked about everyone’s children. Just about everyone in the thirty-something crowd were parents. How much easier it would be if Hilton were here, but he told her he planned to hit the road by about six p.m. She’d love to leave, but she knew Kendall would be disappointed if she made an early exit. Besides, in just another hour or so the party would be over.

  She was sitting with Kendall, Vicky and Kendall’s niece by marriage, Michelle Barnes, when Kendall suddenly jumped up and rushed through the crowd. The remaining three looked at each other, eyebrows arched in question. Then they shrugged. “All I know is that the bathroom’s the other way,” Michelle joked.

  Ava laughed. She glanced at her watch. Twenty past eight. In just a few minutes they would light up the finished tree, followed by an a-cappella singing of Silent Night. The group would then begin to disburse. Kendall had been having these tree-trimming parties for years, and now that she was married it had become a family affair, with Spencer serving as co-host and his teenage sons, Brian and Carlton, handling the music.

  She began to feel better. If she’d made it this far without a serious case of the holiday blues, she could probably sail through the big day tomorrow.

  She wondered how Marcus would spend the day. To her disappointment, she hadn’t seen him again after he vanished a few days ago on Main Street.

  “Look who’s here, Ava!” Kendall said, her hand behind her back, attached to someone not yet visible.

  Ava gasped when Hilton stepped through the crowd.

  “Merry Christmas,” he said, smiling down at her.

  Through nearly overwhelming happiness she managed to return the sentiment. “I didn’t expect to see you here. I figured you’d left by now.”

  “I’d planned on leaving hours ago, but I fell asleep, of all things. I’ve got my stuff in the car, and I’ll hit the road as soon as I leave here. I’ll stay at my brother’s tonight. He and my sister-in-law won’t mind if I show up at their place in the middle of the night.”

  “Time to check the tree,” Kendall said. “Give me a hand, Michelle.”

  “I need to find Danny,” Vicky said as she stood up. Then she, too, was gone.

  Hilton took a seat next to Ava. “If I didn’t know better I’d think your friends were anxious to get away from me.” He lowered his voice. “Maybe I ought to sniff under my arms just to make sure there’s not a problem.”

  “I can save you the trouble. It’s just their way of giving us some time alone.”

  “In a roomful of people?”

  Ava shrugged. “Well, you did just say you were leaving right after this is over.”

  “It’s a good thing my son called me. It was the phone that woke me. Otherwise I might still be sleeping.

  “How is he?”

  “He’s great, but he says he misses me. I miss him, too, but it hasn’t been too long since Thanksgiving, when I saw him last. I’ll probably bring him down this summer when he’s out of school.”

  “To live?”

  “Don’t I wish. No, his mother’s not about to let him go. He’s worth too much to her.”

  His words rang with sarcasm, and Ava wondered what the source of contention was between him and the boy’s mother.

  Hilton’s voice softened to a tender tone she knew was meant just for her. “Anyway, I think my subconscious willed me to oversleep. I really wanted to see you once more before I left.”

  “Will you be away long?” She’d tried to be cool about his leaving town and not ask questions, but she had to know.

  “I’ll be back Sunday evening, or Monday at the latest.”

  It would be a long five days, she thought. She couldn’t wait for him to return. This was the most promising relationship she’d had in years.

  Spencer�
��s raspy voice rang out, asking everyone to gather around the tree for the lighting. Ava and Hilton were slow to rise, and they stood several yards behind the others.

  “Look,” Hilton said, looking up.

  Ava smiled when she saw the mistletoe directly overhead.

  “How appropriate,” he said as he lowered his head.

  The kiss was brief, but sensual. His lips touched hers like the most intimate of whispers, and she found herself wishing it was just the two of them, for she desperately wanted more.

  She felt his lips brush against her brow before they broke apart, and with it the warm glow of hope. Hilton was clearly attracted to her. And best of all, she allowed herself to consider after forcing her thoughts elsewhere for the last twenty-four hours: He already has a son…he already has a son…

  *****

  Ava listlessly descended the stairs on Christmas morning. In the kitchen she put a cup of water in the microwave. Khufu hovered around her ankles, making whiny noises. “Khufu, it’s cold out. Can’t I have my coffee first?”

  The dog loped off and sat in front of the stove with a soft thud.

  “Thanks,” Ava said. “I’ll be quick, I promise.”

  It was early, but already children were outside, trying out new in-line roller skates and bicycles. It warmed Ava’s heart to see their excitement, but she couldn’t help thinking of Marcus was doing now. She had a gut feeling there was no shiny new bicycle waiting for him, no big holiday breakfast with his family.

  Her house phone was ringing when she returned from walking the dog. She removed Khufu’s leash, then picked up the phone with the greeting, “Merry Christmas.”

  Kendall’s voice filled her ear. “And the same to you!”

  “You certainly sound happy. What’d Spencer give you?”

  “A gorgeous ruby pendant trimmed with diamonds.”

  “That sounds beautiful.”

  “It is. And the boys gave me a Scum Buster.”

  “Umm…how thoughtful.”

  “Well, actually it was, because they heard me say I wanted one. Black and Decker’s been running a lot of commercials lately because of the holiday.”