The Waiting Time

by Margaret Carr

  Jenny glanced at Helen, whose face shone with excitement.

  ‘My daddy came with Anna’s daddy to pick her up. He doesn’t remember me but that’s because I was little when he left, isn’t it, Mummy?’

  Jenny had never deliberately lied to Helen. She’d omitted information, yes, but this time she was cornered.

  ‘Yes, dear. Now go downstairs and let Patty know what’s happened,’ she said, praying Patty would know what was being asked of her.

  Helen hesitated, looking all the way up the length of her father’s figure. ‘You won’t go away, will you?’

  Jenny held her breath.

  ‘I’ll be here when you get back,’ Ryder said, giving the little girl a gentle smile.

  The smile disappeared once the door shut behind her. He turned back to Jenny with a frown.

  ‘Why, Jennifer? Wouldn’t the father support her? Was that why you blackmailed my father into paying for your education?’

  Jenny couldn’t believe her ears. He didn’t recognise his own daughter! How could he reject her when she looked so like him?

  ‘I realised what was happening when I went through his papers. He obviously believed you so I didn’t see any point in stopping the last two payments. I knew you were the kind of person to fight a setback, so I wish you well in your finals.’

  ‘Thank you,’ she said.

  Perhaps it was just as well he didn’t believe what Helen had obviously told him, but how she was going to explain his disinterest to a five-year-old she dreaded to think.

  He was looking around the flat, distaste plain in his eyes. It was all she could do not to tell him to go, but remembering his promise to Helen, she offered him a seat and a cup of tea. He declined the tea and Jenny sat on the edge of an old rocking-chair she’d picked up in a second-hand shop a couple of years earlier.

  The silence was wired with static until Ryder crossed his long legs and asked, ‘Why my photograph? Didn’t you have one of her father’s?’

  You are her father, she screamed silently, then shook her head.

  ‘Well, you are going to have to tell her the truth now. I fly back to America at the weekend.’

  ‘Where are you staying?’

  ‘Why?’

  Jenny shrugged.

  ‘Just in case she asks.’

  He smiled then.

  ‘I get the impression that if she found out she might very well come and claim me again.’

  Doesn’t that tell you something, Jenny cried to herself. Can’t you hear yourself in your daughter? Jenny gave a sad shake of her head then stiffened her spine and gave him a direct look.

  ‘She won’t.’

  Heavy lids fell covering his eyes as he said, ‘You can contact me at the International.’

  To Jenny’s immense relief Patty’s heavy footsteps could be heard on the landing as Helen scrabbled to open the door.

  ‘This is my daddy,’ she said to Patty, before running across the room and flinging herself at her mother.

  Patty was signalling to Jenny over the back of Ryder’s head that she was sorry to interrupt but could delay Helen no longer. Ryder stood up and turned around to offer Patty his hand. Patty smiled and shook hands then turned to leave, telling Jenny she would see her later.

  ‘I must be going as well. It was interesting seeing you again, Jennifer.’

  Helen shot away from her mother’s side and grabbed Ryder’s hand, her little face puckering with worry.

  ‘But you have to stay with us now. Please, Mummy, tell him he has to stay with us.’

  She turned a begging face towards Jenny. Ryder looked down with a deep frown at the small figure clinging to his arm.

  ‘This is where lies fail you,’ he said, his voice harsh and accusing, then hunkering down to Helen’s height he said in a much softer tone, ‘I’ll be back tomorrow.’

  ‘But you don’t have to live in a hotel now. You can stay with us, can’t he, Mummy?’

  ‘We don’t have room here, baby.’

  ‘You can have my bed.’

  The small voice was so anxious that Jenny had to fight hard to keep the threatening tears at bay. Ryder was becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the situation so Jenny stepped forward and loosened Helen’s grip.

  ‘Say thank you for the lift and see you tomorrow, Helen,’ Jenny said, picking her up into her arms.

  But Helen’s only response was to bury her head in her mother’s shoulder and cry, as a scowling Ryder hurried to the door.

  * * *

  Ryder returned the following evening with a bottle of wine for Jenny and a doll for Helen. The doll wasn’t as big as Irma, Anna’s doll, but it did something that Irma did not—it talked!

  Jenny hadn’t believed him when he said he would return, thinking it just an excuse to pacify Helen. So she was taken aback when she opened the door an hour before Helen’s bedtime to find him standing on the doorstep his arms full of presents.

  Helen’s welcome was rapturous and the doll the most wonderful toy ever invented. Jenny could see that the joy of telling Anna it was from her daddy would have made it wonderful even if it had been a rag doll with one eye missing. Because she had never expected Ryder to return she had delayed talking to Helen yet again.

  Now, somehow, she was going to have to explain that although Ryder was her real daddy, he didn’t believe that she was his daughter and that it was for the best to leave it that way.

  She would tell her before he went back to America, then at least Ryder would be spared the embarrassment of her attentions in future. It was an impossible task and it turned the following two nights into restless nightmares for Jenny.

  Ryder continued to visit until, on Friday evening when, almost as if Helen sensed something changing, she insisted that it was Ryder who put her to bed and read her a story.

  ‘I leave tomorrow evening, so I won’t be seeing you again,’ he told Jenny after leaving Helen asleep. ‘I admit I’ll miss Helen. She’s a lovely child and a credit to you.’

  He was sitting across from her as they sipped their wine.

  ‘Have you no idea of the whereabouts of her father?’

  ‘Oh, yes, I know where he is.’

  He was watching her thoughtfully over the top of his wine glass. ‘Then he doesn’t have any idea what he’s missing.’

  ‘He doesn’t want to know.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Yes.’

  He lowered his empty glass to the table.

  ‘You were always such an impulsive, independent creature, Jennifer. Did you tell him?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Then how do you know he will reject such a beautiful child?’

  ‘He thinks me capable of sleeping around, thinks it could be someone else’s.’

  ‘I see, and do you sleep around?’

  A sad, little twist curved the corners of Jennifer’s mouth.

  ‘What do you think?’

  He shrugged and said nothing.

  When he’d gone, Jenny gave her emotions full rein and sobbed until her head ached and pain sliced through her chest.

  * * *

  ‘Please, if Mr Surtees hasn’t checked out yet, will you get my message to him before he leaves? It’s very important.’

  Jennifer replaced the receiver and pressed her clammy brow to the cool cream walls of the hospital corridor.

  Helen’s reaction when Jenny tried to explain the situation between herself and Ryder had been quietly accepted with screwed-up concentration. But the news that Ryder would no longer be coming to see them had caused a terrible crying scene. When it was over, Helen had relapsed into a dreadful silence which Patty assured Jenny would soften by the time she returned from a trip to the zoo.

  An hour later, Patty phoned from the zoo to say that she was worried about Helen and was bringing her home. When they didn’t arrive Jenny was in a terrible state imagining all sorts of catastrophes. Then the phone on the landing was ringing again and this time it was the International Hotel asking if sh
e had a daughter by the name of Helen. When she agreed with them she was told there had been an accident and the little girl and her carer had been taken to the General Hospital.

  * * *

  Jenny moved back to the hospital waiting-room where Patty sat huddled in a corner.

  ‘I don’t understand,’ Patty said, her voice full of tears. ‘She was there by my side hanging on to my coat while I dug the bus tickets out of my bag. Then I looked down and she was gone. I asked everyone in the queue but nobody had seen her. I couldn’t believe it. I’d been searching for a good fifteen minutes before I realised that the International Hotel was just across the road and remembered hearing you say that was where Mr Surtees was staying.’

  Tears welled over and ran down her face. She pulled a large handkerchief out of her pocket and held it to her eyes.

  ‘When I think of the wee one crossing that busy road and what could have happened!’

  ‘Don’t, Patty. You weren’t at fault. I made a mess of trying to explain things to her. That’s why she made a bolt for the hotel. Ryder said she might try to find him but I didn’t believe him, and she crossed the road safely, didn’t she?’

  Patty nodded.

  ‘Nobody could have foreseen that she would fall on those marble stairs and bang her head. If only they would come and tell us she’s all right.’

  The minutes ticked on and it was already half an hour since she’d made the call to the hotel. Had Ryder gone? Would he come if he got the message and risk missing his plane? A doctor was standing in the doorway. Patty had shot out of her seat before Jenny realised he was there. He spoke to Patty first but then she indicated that Jenny was the child’s mother. He smiled confidently.

  ‘Helen will be fine, Mrs Carson. There’s a hairline fracture which should heal well without too much bother at her age. Also several nasty bruises. The reason we shall be keeping her in is because she has yet to regain consciousness. This is causing us some concern. However, it isn’t that unusual after such a nasty bump. Now if you would like to see her, nurse will take you up.’

  He left the room after another quick smile and a nurse appeared in his place as if by magic.

  Helen was in a small room by herself. Teddy bears pranced around the walls and bright yellow curtains half hid the light-defusing blinds. She looked so tiny lying flat and still under the pristine covers. Jenny caught her breath in her throat as she crossed the floor and sat down by her daughter’s bed. Patty, after one look, pulled a chair up to the other side of the bed for herself.

  At just that moment Ryder arrived looking angry and stunned at the same time. Patty rose to leave.

  ‘I’ll be back later,’ she said to Jenny, patting her shoulder. ‘I’ll let Jack know what’s happened. Is there anything you want me to bring back?’

  Jenny tore her gaze away from Ryder and answered absentmindedly.

  ‘No, not yet. We’ll not know what’s going to happen until she wakes up.’

  Patty left, closing the door quietly behind her.

  ‘What happened?’ Ryder demanded.

  ‘She fell.’

  ‘I know all that. What I mean is what was she doing at the hotel? Did you take her? Didn’t you tell her I was leaving?’

  ‘Yes, I told her.’

  Jenny put a trembling hand out to stroke her daughter’s brow.

  ‘She seemed to accept it. Patty took her to the zoo to distract her but it didn’t work and she ran away from Patty and went to look for you.’

  She heard Ryder’s drawn breath. He dropped into Patty’s vacated chair and stared at the child in the bed.

  ‘I should have quashed her ideas from the start. What on earth possessed you to let her have that old photo in the first place?’

  ‘She found it in my drawer. She asked me if it was her father and because she was so desperate to believe in a father I let her.’

  ‘I would have thought you would have destroyed all reminders of our marriage after I left.’

  Jenny shrugged.

  ‘I had to leave quickly at the time, or lose the opportunity altogether,’ he went on. ‘I left my contact number with Father. When you never rang I assumed you were no longer interested in our marriage.’

  ‘We all make assumptions rightly or wrongly. At the moment my only thoughts are on my daughter, praying that she will open her eyes and recognise me.’

  ‘Of course, I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do? Would you like a specialist to see her? I can arrange to have a private visit.’

  ‘No, there’s no need. The hospital will take good care of her. Anyway, I’m sure there’s nothing anyone can do until she wakes up.’

  Jenny laid her head on her arms and started to cry.

  ‘It’s too soon to give up now. Dry your eyes and we’ll go to the restaurant and have something to eat. We might be here all night and we’ll have to keep our strength up. You want to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed when she does wake up, don’t you?’

  Jenny looked up astonished at his use of the plural.

  ‘I’ll stay on here myself.’

  ‘No, you won’t. You can do nothing here at the moment. You might as well do as I say.’

  Reluctantly Jenny got to her feet.

  ‘She might wake while I’m not here. She won’t know where she is. She’ll be frightened.’

  ‘We’ll tell the nurse at the desk on the way out and she’ll send for us the minute there’s any change. Now come on.’

  He held out a hand to her and she allowed him to steer her from the room.

  They were only away an hour before Jenny insisted on going back to the ward. When they arrived, Patty was sitting by the bed singing a nursery song in a soft voice.

  ‘They said you’d gone for a break. There’s not been a peep out of her but I’ve seen her eyelashes flutter a couple of times. Here, you speak to her,’ she said, relinquishing her seat to Jenny.

  Jenny sat down and took Helen’s hand in her own.

  ‘Mummy’s here, darling. Helen, I’m here, please wake up. Oh, please wake up, baby.’

  Ryder and Patty sat to one side as Jenny talked non-stop to the little girl. As time passed, her voice grew more and more desperate until Ryder moved forward and took hold of her shoulders. A nurse came into the room to check on her patient. Patty had told them about Helen’s flickering eyelids but the nurse seemed unimpressed.

  ‘It happens,’ she said, taking the limp wrist in her hand and rubbing the inner surface with her thumb. ‘It’s only been a few hours. Try not to get too upset. She’ll probably come round sometime during the night. It’s just a matter of patience.’

  ‘What time’s your flight?’

  Jenny looked round at Ryder. His skin tightened across high cheekbones.

  ‘I won’t leave until I know she’s all right.’

  Something inside Jenny relaxed. She turned to Patty.

  ‘Go home, Patty. I’ll stay here overnight if you’ll come back and relieve me in the morning.’

  ‘Of course, love, anything I can do to help just give us a bell.’

  ‘Thanks, Patty, and don’t worry. I’m sure everything will be fine.’

  She turned back to Helen when she heard Ryder say something and bend over the top of the bed.

  Then she heard Helen say, ‘Daddy,’ and her heart leaped with pain.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Jenny watched Ryder striding angrily back and forth across the tiny sitting-room of her flat. The doctors had given Helen the all-clear and she would be home tomorrow. Ryder had promised the little girl he would be here for her when she came home but that hadn’t stopped him being furious with Jenny for putting him in this impossible position.

  ‘I thought you were going to tell her the truth,’ he insisted.

  ‘I did, but she’s too young to understand. To her, the man in the photograph is her father. I told her we didn’t live together any more but . . . ’

  He turned on her then.

  ‘But you didn’t tell her I wasn’t and n
ever had been her father.’

  ‘How could I? She’s loved you and dreamed about you all of her life.’

  Jenny was angry now, too.

  ‘And whose fault was that?’ he insisted.

  It was on the tip of her tongue to tell him everything but she was forestalled by the arrival of Patty.

  ‘She’s back to normal,’ Patty said all in a rush. ‘Gave me this list of things she wants brought in tomorrow ’specially to impress her daddy,’ she said, giving Ryder a sidelong smile.

  Ryder turned his back and went into the kitchen banging about with the kettle as Jenny took the list from Patty. She shrugged her shoulders at Patty’s silent question. Then when the woman had left, she chewed her lip and glanced towards the now silent kitchen. He was standing in the doorway, a mug in each hand.

  ‘I’ll have to make some phone calls,’ he said, handing her one of the mugs of coffee.

  He was glancing round the room for the phone as he spoke.

  ‘I don’t have one. We share the one in the hall,’ she said, anticipating his question.

  ‘Don’t tell me, it’s a pay phone.’

  She lifted her head in a defiant gesture.

  ‘That’s right.’

  * * *

  Jenny couldn’t believe it—Ryder had taken a six-month lease on a flat in nearby Jesmond.

  He called most afternoons and took Helen out. Patty was feeling decidedly rejected, and Jenny wasn’t too happy about it either. If it hadn’t been for the fact that she was now heavily into her finals and grateful for the spare time these visits afforded her, she might have been jealous of Helen’s unbridled hero worship of her ‘daddy’. As it was Jenny saw more of Tim than Ryder.

  It was a shock to her one day when Tim, out of the blue, asked her to join him on a teaching job in Spain. She laughed at his outrageous idea.

  ‘I can’t drop everything and go off like you, Tim. What about Helen?’

  ‘We take her with us. She’ll love it, all that healthy sea and sun. It’s only for the summer. A break we both deserve before we have to come back and concentrate on our futures. What do you say?’

  Jenny sighed.