The Queen's Envoy (The Barsetshire Diaries)

by Lord David Prosser

  Seedy Man asked, “What do you think you're doing? You can't drop everything in the middle of the day and leave! What do you think I'm paying you for?”

  “Actually”, I said, “It's me paying you, remember? And I have things to do”.

  “You can't get good staff any more”, I heard him say quietly as I opened the door and left. I could see my quarry about a hundred yards ahead on my left and started to follow him. It was just as well he was on foot, but then I'd expected he would go to a local office.

  After two blocks he turned into a nice building that was divided into flats. By the time I got there the door had closed again. I noted from the nameplates that there were four flats, two occupied by men and two by women. I had no idea which of the women he was taking the mail to.

  I was wondering what to do next when the door opened and a man came out. It wasn't my quarry so I caught the door before it closed behind him and went in. None of the names on the flats had said G. Peccadillo but as there were only two women, it seemed that she shouldn't be hard to find.

  I rang at the first woman's door. There was no answer so I knew that G Peccadillo wasn’t Renee Stompanato. I rang at the bell of Jeannie Hertz but there was no answer from there either, so I ruled her out. Now I was stumped until I realised that she must live either in the flat of Mr P. Revere or that of Mr D. Joly. And one of those two had already left.

  I approached the two remaining flats. From one I could hear absolutely nothing. From the other I could hear what sounded like a radio. It had to be this flat and she must be staying with P. Revere, and therefore it must have been he whom I followed back from the Post Box building.

  I knocked at the door and my man answered it. “Yes?” he said.

  “Mr Revere”, I answered, “I'm Donald Blumenthal from 'Eagle Heir Hunters'. A Mr Reginald Revere died intestate and I'm trying to trace heirs to the estate so that it can be divided up rather than going to the government. May I come in and ask you a few questions?”

  No normal person would pass up the chance to inherit money and right on cue his first question came. “How much?” he asked.

  “Well the estate's worth about $100,000.00”, I lied, “but as yet we don't know how many heirs there are. Actually NONE have been found yet”.

  “Come in, come in”, he said, “take a seat, would you like a coffee?”

  “That would be lovely, thank you”, I said.

  Mr. P. Revere went off towards his kitchen. I noticed some letters lying on his open bureau and risked a look. Some were addressed to Gloria Peccadillo and some to a Paula Tennant. I also noticed as I moved to sit down again that a picture on the wall by the bureau was askew and the carpet on the floor below had a rumpled look as though someone had pushed the edge as they moved away quickly. I'd seen this kind of clue before at home when Lady J was searching for my cigarettes and didn't want to get caught looking. I now assumed that there was a safe hidden behind the picture, and guessed that our Mr P. Revere was in fact the woman threatening to embarrass the throne.

  He returned with the coffee and I sat down in plenty of time. He answered all the questions I could invent about the deceased Reginald Revere and his tie to the family, which I'd had to bias in his direction to keep him dangling. I took my leave saying that I'd be in touch and that things looked promising.

  Back at the hotel I started formulating a scheme to relieve Mr Revere of the letters I wanted, and I didn't intend to pay for them either unless I had to. After a while, I realised I was hungry and that it was time for dinner. I hadn't noticed that time had passed by so quickly.

  Jessie was at her table so I meandered over to say hello.

  “Hello, David”, she said. “Sit, join me. I wanted to apologise for last night”.

  “What, for giving me your company?” I asked, not wanting to embarrass her for getting a little drunk. “No need to apologise. It was a kind gesture on your part to a stranger, and I appreciate it”.

  “I hope you don't think I do that all the time”, she said.

  “Not at all”, said I, “I'm sure not everyone is welcomed to the city by so charming a lady”.

  All mention of the wine now dismissed, we ordered our meals and settled down to eat. As the meal ended, Jessie announced that she was retiring to her room to read, but said that if I needed company later I would be quite welcome to go along, no strings attached. I'm not sure why she added that, but I thanked her and said that I'd probably be getting an early night. For some reason, she kind of rolled her eyes at that and then sighed. I wish I knew what I'd done wrong.

  Friday, October 8, 1993

  Cold Packs for the Pain

  Up bright and early and down for breakfast by 8:00 am. Still had not formulated a plan of action.

  I was taking a taxi to Seedy Man's establishment when there was an accident. We came to a very sudden halt. My body slid back in the seat and my head jerked forward. Then my body moved forward again and my groin came to a quick stop against the head of my walking cane. The pain was instant and excruciating and then my head snapped back hurting my neck. The taxi driver was so worried that he called an ambulance which took me to hospital.

  On reaching there we realised that my spherical orbs had swollen to elephantine dimensions. I needed cold packs, and for the whiplash I was given a collar. The nurse on the ward kindly asked if anyone needed to be informed as I would be kept in overnight at least. I thanked her and asked her to ring Lady J so that she wouldn't worry. I asked, “Please only mention the whiplash to avoid any embarrassment.”

  As my nether pains receded slightly with the cold packs, I was able to sit up and after a hospital dinner in the evening I was able to get to a phone and I called home.

  “Hello, my dear. How are you?” she asked.

  “Oh, just a little stiff my dear”, I answered, flummoxed as I heard gusts of laughter down the phone from Lady J.

  “Not too much damage, then”, she said as I realised that the nurse had told all. Julia was referring to the worst of the damage and I was referring to the whiplash. Sometime I think the gods conspire to make me look a fool.

  Saturday, October 9, 1993

  The Superb Play

  I was woken at 6.00 am and given the gift of pain relief. I found I that could walk without doing a John Wayne impression and that the swelling had gone down a great deal after the overnight application of cold packs. I was therefore grateful after breakfast to be released.

  During my wakeful hours in bed, I had semi decided on a strategy with reference to Mr Revere and the letters. I decided I needed to be a bit more nimble to get away with it, and resolved that Monday would be action day. In the meantime I would make the best of my New York stay. Back at the hotel, I asked the desk clerk to arrange a ticket at a theatre that evening. I chose a play by Gary Morgenstein, who, I was told was an up and coming playwright/director.

  This afternoon after a light lunch at a pizzeria I spent some time hobbling around Bloomingdale's before returning to the hotel laden with gifts to take home. I was pleased because I'd found a nice tiepin for Bertie showing two hands clasped. On the back of one was a Union Jack and on the back of the other were the Stars and Stripes.

  Dinner tonight was different. I had a small piece of alligator in a beer batter as a starter, followed by a steak with fries and a side salad, with a key lime pie to follow. After I'd had a coffee I was replete. By the time I'd seen a magnificent show and congratulated the author I was ready to sleep, and nearly did so in the back of the taxi taking me back to the hotel.

  On my return, I turned in straight away.

  Sunday, October 10, 1993

  A Walk in the Park

  I saw Jessie at breakfast. She looked a little uncomfortable as I sat down, but soon there was a smile directed at me as I said I'd looked for her yesterday and had missed her company at dinner.

  “I'm afraid I was out and about shopping”, she told me.

  “No matter”, I said. “Perhaps you have a little free time today for a w
alk in Central Park?”

  “I'd love to, Lord David. And I'd also be glad of the chance of a chat”, she said. A little intrigued, I arranged to meet Jessie in the lobby at 10.30 and was promised the chance of a real hotdog in the park.

  The weather was crisp but the sun was shining as we entered the park. Jessie linked her right arm to my left and with a tap of my cane we started along the path. I was still walking a little gingerly. Jessie told me I was looking better and walking easier now. She hoped that I felt OK.

  I promised her that I did.

  Trying to prepare myself for the following day, I asked Jessie if there was a community of actors in New York. She looked at me a little oddly but said that yes, there was a well known school of performing arts and that there would be actors aplenty there.

  “Time to stop for a rest and a little chat”, she said.

  “Fine”, I answered, “I see a coffee vendor over there, let’s grab one and sit on a bench for a while”.

  I bought two coffees and we sat down.

  “David”, she said, “I have a small confession to make”.

  “Would it be that you belong to one of the agencies and that our meeting wasn't entirely accidental?” I asked.

  “How on earth did you know that? Have I slipped up somewhere?”

  “Not really, Jessie. But to suggest that I was looking and walking better is to suggest that I told you about my accident. As I know that I didn't, I can only assume that you found out another way as the hotel doesn’t know. Also, I just asked you about the actors and you showed no curiosity, so I'm guessing that you already know why I need one. Lastly, you called me Lord David earlier, and how can you possibly have known that?”

  “How silly of me”, she said. “David, I'm Special Agent Trenton of the FBI. I was assigned to protect you if I can and to help you get your letters back. Though this is a matter of a foreign national and the CIA would normally have dealt with it, it was decided that as we have better jurisdiction in local areas it would be the FBI’s responsibility”.

  “Well, I'm delighted to meet you, Special Agent Trenton. If all agents are as pretty and as good company as you, then no one could complain at your help”.

  Jessie asked what I'd managed to find out, and when she heard that the crook was a man, she said that it was no wonder they hadn't been able to find a woman when Bertie's department had approached for help.

  She asked what I intended to do and I explained my plan with an actor.

  “Very good plan”, she told me, “but I think I know an agent we can use for this”.

  “We?” I asked.

  “Certainly ‘we’”, she answered. “Now we know where the letters are, we can get them back, and any others that are there. And, if any of the other victims will offer to testify to blackmail, then Revere will be going away for long enough not to upset anybody else”.

  We agreed to have dinner together and then meet in my room, and would bring the other agent along as well. In the meantime, we had gone out to have a nice walk and a hotdog, so for the moment, it would be pleasant to concentrate on that. The hotdog was surprisingly good with lashings of onions. It was much larger than I expected. After that we strolled arm in arm back to the hotel where, with a little peck on the cheek, Jessie went off to make her arrangements with her headquarters.

  Dinner was a nice affair. All of my recent afflictions seemed to have gone and Jessie was full of banter. After coffee, we went up to my room and found our co-conspirator and my safety net waiting at the door.

  “David – Chuck, Chuck – David”, said Jessie by way of introduction, “Shall we go in and intrigue, gentlemen?”

  I opened the door and we each found a seat. I called to room service for coffee and also for sandwiches for Chuck who said he'd come straight from another job. We intrigued for some time and then Jessie took Chuck away so that I could sleep.

  Monday, October 11, 1993

  A Royal Blush

  I went down to breakfast at 8.00 am and was surprised to find Jessie and Chuck there together already. I joined them and ordered coffee and toast.

  “Just toast, My Lord? That's no way to start the day”, said Chuck.

  “I think David has a touch of nerves, Chuck, he's not a professional like us”.

  “Really?” said Chuck. “He certainly plans like one”.

  “Oh he can plan”, said Jessie, “but I wonder if he can adapt as we have to”.

  “Have you two forgotten I'm here and aware of this conversation?” I asked to laughter from them both. We arranged to meet up again at 10:00 am at Revere's building after I'd phoned to check he'd be there.

  Dead on time I arrived and pushed his bell. He buzzed me in and I climbed up to his floor to find Jessie and Chuck had arrived early and were out of sight around the corner from his front door. Chuck passed me a small box I'd asked for and I tapped on Revere's door. He must have been waiting as it opened almost immediately.

  “Good morning, Mr. Revere”, I said as I entered the flat. “Just a couple of things and I won’t keep you long”.

  “That's OK, Mr Blumenthal”, he said, “I'm just looking forward to hearing more about Uncle Reggie”.

  We sat down and I declined his offer of coffee, suggesting that we got down to business. I asked Revere if he had a passport.

  He answered that he had and that it was in his safe.

  “Good”, I said and asked if I could see it to verify who he was. I was very relieved at this point that he'd answered as I'd hoped. I waited until he'd reached the safe behind the picture and had dialled the combination. Just as he was opening the safe door and putting his hand inside, my own hand went deep into my pocket to the box Chuck had given me. I pushed a button.

  Immediately came a heavy pounding at the door. Both Revere and I looked startled though mine was an act. He started to close the safe door and I said “No rush, Mr. Revere, I'll wait if you want to answer your door”. He looked at me, stopped closing the safe then went to answer his door.

  As he left the room I ran quietly over to the safe, opened the door and gave a sigh of relief that my guesswork had proven to be correct. There were bundles of letters held together with elastic bands. I grabbed them all and started to disperse them about my person. I put the safe door back to the position I'd found it. At this point I could hear raised voices in the hallway, I stuck my head out.

  “Hey man, why is you prettenin to be me?” I heard. “I is Paul Revere wit de Uncle Reggie. You ain't”.

  That was my cue from Chuck.

  “What, another Paul Revere? Come with me while I check you out”, I said and started pushing Chuck before me. “Thank you Mr. Revere, I'll be back to see your passport as soon as I've sorted this out”.

  We moved quickly away from the door, picking up Jessie on the way. We ran downstairs and out of the door and piled into Jessie's car which was parked conveniently close. We pulled into a coffee house not too far away and settled into a booth. We were all smiling at our success. With steaming coffees in front of us, I pulled all the bundles of letters from my pockets. As before, some of the letters were addressed to Gloria Peccadillo. I took those to sort, and shared the others, addressed to Paula Tennant, between Jessie and Chuck. It didn't take too long to find my bundle, nor did it take much reading to see why they might be an embarrassment to the Royal Family. Even reading some of the things made me blush. Putting the offending bundle in my pocket, I passed the remainder of the bundles relating to Gloria Peccadillo over to Jessie. “ I know you'll let me know if anything involving British subjects crops up”. I said. “Have you found anything of interest yourself?”

  “Yes indeed, David, there are a couple of leading manufacturers here, as well as one chemist on the government’s payroll. Heaven only knows who the rest are. But, be assured we will find out and then they can rest assured that he won't be bothering them again. May I see the ones you rescued?”

  “I'm afraid not”, I answered, “I promised my client confidentiality, and I'm
sure your government extracted the same promise from you”.

  “Fair enough, David. Forget we asked”, said Chuck. “OK to drop you back at the hotel now so that we can take these to HQ?”

  “Wonderful”, I said, “I'd be much obliged”.

  As we pulled up at the hotel I thanked them both for their help, and got out. I was surprised when Jessie also got out. She gave me a hug and whispered, “What could have been, David, if only you'd been less honourable. I didn't come up to your room as part of my job”.

  I hadn't time to ask her what she meant before she was back in the car and away again. Oh well, if I'm ever here again perhaps I can ask her. Ladies have a language I just don't understand.

  Inside the hotel I phoned to see if there was a flight available and was told that there was one leaving in three hours. I gave them my ticket number to confirm a seat, and then asked the hotel to make up my bill while I went and packed my bag.

  I went down and paid my very reasonable bill, and within ten minutes was in a yellow cab on my way back to the airport. I listened to the driver’s chatter and agreed that New York was great and that I'd love to come back.

  At the airport I rang Julia, knowing it was 8:00 pm at home. She seemed delighted that I was coming home and promised to meet me.

  A very long and again tedious journey and I was home. I whizzed through customs and there was Julia to meet me. We hugged and then with my luggage deposited safely in the boot we set off.