“Emily, please don’t.” He took my chin in his hand.
“I wasn’t…” Apparently, he didn’t know why I was turning away. I took his hand from my face and set it down in his lap as if he had no control over it. “Why are you really here Graham?” It was a question I always seemed to ask. He must have figured he’d pleaded and said everything already because he didn’t bother speaking. Instead, he took my face in both hands, bending his elbows to bring himself closer to me. His lips parted in front of mine and I could almost taste them. The familiar warmth of his breath on my face was intoxicating. I closed my eyes, afraid I’d never feel this way again if I stopped him. The touch of his lips on mine was delicious, and I couldn’t pull myself away from him; I didn’t want to. I clutched the front of his shirt and pulled him onto me, lying back on the cushions. We kissed and it felt like I was drinking him in. Every move he made was irresistible; the way he untied the strings of my bathing suit and inched my sundress straps down my arms. He wrapped his fingers behind my head and into my hair, pulling me to my knees, moving his hand to the small of my back, bringing me closer. My breathing sped up or stopped; I’m not sure. Graham rested his other hand on my face, parting my lower lip with his thumb. Then he reached around my waist and lifted me up, holding me with my legs wrapped around him as he carried me to the bedroom.
We fell onto the bed together, covers crinkling around us. I felt my legs around him and his arms around me, he kissed my neck, my chest; I bit my lower lip in pleasure. When he moved his lips from my neck to my face, he stopped and looked into my eyes. Resting each of his forearms alongside my head, he smoothed my hair back. He looked happy. Well, maybe not just happy. Something else. Content or complete. I’d seen it before, but it had been so long. Thank Goodness was all I could think.
I pulled up his shirt, his warm skin under my hands. He jerked the remaining strings of my bikini, managing to remove it while I was still in my sundress. I clung to him, wrapping myself in him, around him with every move. I’ve never wanted anything as much as I wanted him. Our time together left me full again. Wanted. Needed. Something I had missed so much.
We lay on our sides, facing each other, our heads on the same pillow. We hadn’t spoken, I wasn’t sure words were even necessary. The last thing I wanted to do was spoil this moment, though I knew we would eventually have to talk. After all, we had split up, and until about an hour ago I was still totally pissed at him. I decided to break the silence.
“So?” I know it wasn’t much, but it was all I could think to ask. Graham smiled and reached over, tucking my hair behind my ear and letting his fingers linger along my shoulder.
“I’ve missed you so much. Tell me…tell me you’ve forgiven me,” he pleaded. I rolled over on my stomach, arms overhead.
“I don’t know,” I whispered. “I don’t know, Graham.” I closed my eyes and Graham rested his head on my bare back, kissing me softly. I drifted off to sleep like that. I had no idea what tomorrow would bring, but right then, it didn’t matter.
When we woke up the sun was high in the sky. It had been ages since I slept that well and the fact that he was in my bed had a lot to do with it. That, and exhausting sex from the night before. When I opened my eyes he was propped on one elbow reading my copy of To Kill a Mockingbird.
“How long have you been awake?” I yawned and stretched one arm overhead.
“A while, but I didn’t want to wake you. I forgot how good this is,” he said closing it.
“It’s one of my favorites. I think I’ve read it a dozen times,” I said as I pulled the covers around me and wiggled deeper into the bed.
“I didn’t know that,” he said reaching over to me, scooting his body next to mine. For just a flash, it bothered me that after all the time we spent together he didn’t know my favorites. I dismissed the thought as fast as it came. I might not know where this was going, or if in fact I forgave him, but the warmth and touch of his body was too much to resist. Graham tossed the book toward the foot of the bed and reached for me, pulling away the covers between us. As he moved above me, the feel of his body against mine and the touch of his hands on my face and all the memories were too much for me. I felt my eyes fill and closed them before he knew. I hid those true emotions you should never hide.
It was noon before Graham left. The fall semester was starting the next day, so neither of us felt guilty spending half our Sunday in bed. We stood in my open door lingering in a soft, deep kiss that could’ve lasted forever as far as I was concerned.
“Do you want to…” Graham paused and looked down at me. “You know what? I don’t want to push it.” He kissed my nose, fingers lingering on my cheek. “Call me.”
I nodded and leaned against the door jamb watching him walk away. I turned to go back into my apartment and saw someone out of the corner of my eye. Kyle was watching us. And watching with a strange look on his face. I smiled and waved, but he gave me one of those weird head-bob gestures with a complete lack of expression. I was guessing the whole “we should go out sometime” was no longer on the table. And, clearly I had my hands full.
THIRTEEN
Back to School
My first class of the day was Design 200; thank goodness. I had no plans to meet Graham, but he’d been on my mind since I woke up. I knew I had to shake the constant replay of our night, and a design class would surely accomplish that. Trish took the seat next to me, and I realized when I saw her twinkling eyes that I would have to spill all the recent “contender” developments. Only days had passed since our conversation over dinner, and so much had already changed.
Our instructor leapt right into the lesson with barely any time to review the syllabus. By now I was used to the pace and when class was over I had my first extensive drawing assignment. As I dropped the last pen in my bag, Trish turned to me. Even in her casual jeans, scant make-up, hair pulled-back, and baggy tee shirt she looked like a million bucks. I would have hated her if I didn’t like her so much.
“Do you need to run, or do you have time for coffee?”
“Totally.” I always loved it when she said “coffee” or “orange.” She didn’t have a completely New York accent, but you could tell she’d spent some time there.
I followed her out of the classroom and headed in the direction of the familiar school eatery we jokingly called The Bistro.
“So, I got a line on this new place down on Beach Boulevard. Want to come see it with me?” She was excited
“Huh? Oh, yeah, that sounds good.” As we turned the corner and got into line, Trish turned to me with a questioning look.
“What’s up, Emily?” One side of her mouth turned into an impish smile. “Are there some new developments among the contenders? Did you get lucky?”
“Shhh.” I looked around. No one was paying attention. I pulled a cup off the nested stack of paper cups, and pulled the coffee lever, letting the aroma waft up to me. Trish filled her cup, looking over her shoulder at me as I tightened the lid on mine. I wasn’t going into the details here in line. She nodded toward an empty pair of chairs flanking a tall, round table. There wasn’t much room this first day of school and we were lucky to find a spot.
“So, I didn’t know you were looking for a new place. Where is it again?” I tried to get her to talking about her move.
“Don’t even think about it. I want all the details. When did Colin get back in town? Or, is it that friend of your brother’s? Joel, is it? Or, don’t tell me, you stumbled over to the neighbor’s place in a drunken stupor?” Wow, she was ready to fill in the blanks all by herself.
“Please, rarely do I stumble.” I laughed, feeling suddenly really self-conscious about the truth. “Actually, I’m pretty sure Kyle, my neighbor, isn’t what you would call a “contender” anymore.” I sipped my coffee. “And, Colin hasn’t come back from the Bay Area yet. Oh, and I just found out Joel is getting back together with his ex-girlfriend.” Yeah, that was a lot of information. I saw the look on her face as she processed it.
>
“Gosh, Emily. You’ve been busy. Go on.”
“There’s not much to tell. I went to a couple of parties and hung out with Joel. I thought there might be something there, but he informed me he’s not interested…he and his ex-girlfriend re-connected. I was completely embarrassed for even thinking he might like me. There’s nothing like getting it totally wrong.”
“There’s more, isn’t there?”
I ran my tongue across my teeth trying to think of how to tell her. I spoke quietly. “Graham came over Saturday night.” I looked at her sideways as I took another drink of coffee. Her mouth hung open.
“Have you forgiven him? I thought that was out of the question.”
“It was. I don’t know. I just miss him so much. And when he showed up I couldn’t … I didn’t want to be alone.”
“Emily,” she said my name with such concern. “Is that all that’s changed? You, being lonely?” The way she asked, I couldn’t believe that was the only reason I let him back into my bed.
“No. I don’t know.” And I truly didn’t. All I knew was that after Joel let me down, I was scared that I would always be alone.
“And why do I have a feeling Kyle has something to do with this? There’s a reason he’s not a contender anymore, right? Oh let me guess, he saw you together.” She was perceptive.
“Pretty much. He saw Graham leave yesterday. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter. We only had a couple of conversations, and he mentioned we should go out sometime. It’s not like we’d been on a date. But it was still a little awkward.”
“Yeah, I’ll bet.” Trish said jokingly. “So what are you going to do about Graham? Do you still love him?” She was always so direct.
“I do…but.” I didn’t know how to finish that sentence.
“Just be careful.” She rested her hand on mine.
“I am.”
“No, I mean, be careful with the way you answer that question. It says a lot.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I mean the ‘I love him, but,” she said in her most concerned voice.
I looked down at my hands as if they would give me the answers I needed. I seemed to remember having this conversation before and that worried me. I was confused and really needed to get a handle on how I felt. I mulled over her words. Trish noticed I was quiet and changed the subject.
“Are you working this afternoon?” She avoided my blank stare.
I looked up, “Yeah. From 2 to 5.”
“And, after that?” I shrugged, not having any concrete plans. I did, however, remember Graham and his half question about getting together. Trish went on as if she heard my thoughts.
“Huh. This is going to get interesting.” She smiled over her cup and I pushed the stack of napkins over, spilling them onto her hands.
“I’m glad this is so entertaining for you.” I took another drink. She laughed; how could she argue with me? It obviously entertained her.
“I better go. I need to grab a couple books at the bookstore before my next class.” I scooted out of the chair and pulled my book bag strap over my shoulder.
“Call me. I really want you to see the apartment. You can help me decide what it needs,” she said.
“Sure, I’ll call you later.”
“Oh, and if Colin’s back, say ‘hi’ to him for me.” She just couldn’t help but poke at me. I rolled my eyes and walked in the opposite direction.
When I got to the bookstore, it was buzzing with people. I remembered last fall feeling overwhelmed at the sight of crowds, and walls and tables covered in books. The cash registers never seemed to take a break. I walked in like a pro, selecting the textbooks I needed, and fell into line behind a big guy who was going on and on about football season. I’d been here a year and never attended one game. And, I thought to myself, I didn’t care. As he droned on, I looked down at my feet and around the store not really searching for anything but a place to rest my eyes as I waited for the line to move. It was slow, but moving nonetheless. I took another step forward, and felt a wave of heat come over me when I spotted Joel reaching for a textbook on a wall not five feet from me. I held my books closer to my chest and looked around for a place to hide. I cursed myself internally for not knowing the big guy in front of me. Being able to tuck myself in his shadow would’ve been perfect. I looked the other way, curling myself around my books, making myself as small as I could. It didn’t work.
“Em’ly?” He was behind me in line.
“Hey Joel, I didn’t see you.” I lied, of course.
“Grabbin’ your books?” He pointed out the obvious. Maybe he too was a little uncomfortable after the almost-kiss.
“Yeah. You know how it goes.” I couldn’t have sounded more ridiculous.
“Hey, how about gettin’ some lunch later? I’ve got a class, but what about after? You free?”
“Oh, I can’t today. I have back-to-back classes, then work. Maybe some other time?” I suggested, but in the back of my mind I knew I had no intention of following through. I knew I wasn’t being a nice friend at the moment, but I was still too embarrassed. We moved up the line; I was next.
“Have a good day.” It was an awkward moment but I still meant it.
“Yeah, you too.” he called after me. I nodded and put my books on the counter. I finished paying quickly and turned to go. Joel was at another cash register and waved. I smiled - and bolted out of there as fast as I could. I made it through the doors and down the ramp thinking I was home free. I paused at the bottom of the ramp and readjusted everything.
“Em’ly?” I felt a touch on my shoulder. I slowly turned, wishing I hadn’t stopped for him to catch up with me. “I don’t want things to be weird. Ethan is one of my best friends and…”
“Don’t worry about it! I know he’s your best friend.”
“No, that’s not what I meant. What I was gettin’ at is I want us to be friends.” He rested his hand on my shoulder and waited for me to respond.
“Of course. Everything’s fine. Of course we’re friends.” Suddenly I felt stupid. I couldn’t believe I’d been so presumptuous at the party. He was obviously just trying to be a good friend, especially now that his ex-girlfriend was back in his life. And I knew how special and rare that was. I needed to get over myself. Friendship is a gift, that I knew.
“So, lunch sometime,” I said.
“Yeah.” He squeezed my shoulder.
“OK, see ya.” I gave his arm a pat. He smiled, and that was that.
We walked in opposite directions and I turned to watch him go. He was right, I was being silly. Friends would be good. When I turned around, I almost walked straight into Graham. I really wasn’t going to get a break today, was I? I had such conflicting feelings when it came to Graham and I had no idea how to deal with them.
“Hey beautiful.” He smiled, gorgeous as usual. I felt the butterflies return at the sound of his voice. But at the same time, I didn’t want him to call me beautiful. Things weren’t like they were before. It was just one night. Like I said: conflicted.
“Hi, what are you doing here?” I wondered why he was suddenly inches from me.
“What do you mean? I go to school here, too,” he said jokingly.
“No, I mean, I didn’t see you, and here you are.” I was sure that sounded idiotic.
“I thought I’d walk you to class.”
“Oh, sure.” I moved in the direction of my next class. Graham didn’t reach to put his arm around me as he would’ve done in the past. But he did walk super close to me.
“So, you were getting your books?” He pointed out the obvious to make conversation, I presumed. I felt the awkwardness between us.
“Yeah, what about you? “
“I picked them up earlier today. What class do you have now?” he asked.
“Women’s Studies,” I said rolling my eyes.
“Oh, sounds like fun.” He mimicked my tone. “You know what?” He stopped. “I just remembered something I forgot at the bo
okstore. Can I call you later? Maybe we can get together.”
“Sure. I’m working this afternoon, but maybe after.”
“Dinner?” He was treading lightly. I nodded. “I’ll pick you up around seven?”
“OK.” I readjusted my book bag. Graham leaned in and kissed me right below my ear. A signature move on his part. One that always gave me goosebumps.
I took a step in the direction of my classroom. Graham reached for me and rested his hand on my shoulder. “Was that your brother’s friend you were talking to in front of the bookstore?”
“Uh huh. Joel.” I replied, wondering why the question.
“Oh, I just didn’t recognize him at first.” He played it off, but something about the way he asked bugged me.
While I wasn’t really looking forward to Women’s Studies, it was nice to have a break from my design classes. It wasn’t as big a classroom as I expected, but still bigger than a typical design class. About half the class was full when I came in, so I took a seat somewhere in the middle and waited while it filled up. I didn’t really look around, just minded my own business and pulled out a notepad and the assigned textbook.
The teacher came in last with a stack of syllabi and a big briefcase. With a thud she set it down on her desk and addressed the class. As usual, we passed the syllabi from the front up the rows until everybody had one. She covered the course objectives then asked us to split into groups of four for discussion. I thought it was early to tackle this kind of group participation, but who was I to question the professor? She didn’t give us the opportunity to pick our own groups, but instead numbered us off one through eight, grouping all the like numbers. I was a seven and moved toward the other sevens. There were three of us and I could see the reason behind the numbering system: we were a diverse group. We waited for our fourth team member before we introduced ourselves. Our last member arrived…and…I froze. There she was. Right in front of me. In the same class, and if I wasn’t being punished enough, in the same group.
Emily Calls It (The Emily Series) Page 8
