I looked around as I tossed my bag into the trunk of my mom’s car. It was such a unique morning. Unique at least to me. Damp clouds hovered but cracks of dark sky showed through promising later sunshine. The birds started their dance of morning songs as the sun hid on the horizon behind clouds. The scent of eucalyptus hung in the air, heavy and wet, but refreshing at the same time. Before, I hadn’t given the Bay Area much thought, but now I felt something for this place. Something welcoming. I glanced one last time at my grandparents’ house saying a silent goodbye. Then we were gone.
We were on the ground quickly, once again sitting in southern California traffic. I kept glancing at my watch. Ethan and I realized we wouldn’t have time to go home before classes. He changed his route and headed right for campus. In my bag was my Women’s Studies notebook, so luckily I wouldn’t be ill-prepared for class. Or so I thought.
“Hey Emily.” Nicole was the first of our focus group to greet me. She seemed perkier than usual, which totally bugged me. “Where were you?”
Where was I? What was it to her? Now I was really perturbed. “Why?” I asked barely willing to carry on a conversation with her.
“We had our weekend focus group. Our presentation is due next week.” She lowered her head a little trying to make eye contact with me. “You didn’t show.”
“Oh!” I couldn’t believe I didn’t remember. But given the situation, I wasn’t totally surprised, I guess. “I’m sorry.” And I truly was. It wasn’t like me to bail on a study group meeting, even if I didn’t really like the attendees. I sighed. “I had to go out of town. A family thing.” I didn’t want sympathy from her so I didn’t elaborate.
“I hope everything’s OK,” she said sincerely. I shrugged.
“Here.” She leaned down and pulled her notebook from her bag. “These are the notes and how we divided up the project. We’re going to need to get together so we can get you up to speed.” She turned to address the rest of our group. “Guys, when can you make it?”
They all sounded off in turn, leaving us with not one mutually agreeable time. “Well, I guess I can just read the notes and figure it out,” I said, letting them off the hook. After all, it wasn’t their responsibility.
Nicole gave the group a disapproving look. “No, it’s too complicated. We have to help her or we’ll end up getting a bad grade.” She looked from face to face. “Fine, I’ll do it.”
I looked up, surprised she was taking charge. I guess she was a dedicated student. I was grateful for a second, before the resentment I always felt for her crept back in. I swallowed those feelings and tried to stick with grateful.
“Thanks, Nicole,” I said. Then we were interrupted by our professor writing on the board, something she rarely did. I paid attention immediately. There was an event coming up. Why I didn’t remember this was beyond me, but when she noted the dates, I did have a fleeting memory from the syllabus. Then it all came back to me. The Women’s Studies department hosted an event every year to benefit the local chapter of Executive Women. It had a reputation all its own and the department partnered with one of the sororities on campus. This party was their biggest bash and our professor made a point to tell us that. She didn’t say it was a class requirement that we attend, but she didn’t need to. The way she looked over her glasses at us as she explained the details was enough.
Class was dismissed and I swiftly gathered my things. I was tired and ready for a hot bath after a long morning.
“So, we should get together this week,” Nicole started.
Oh, that’s right. The project. It was the last thing I wanted to think about. But she was taking time out of her schedule to help me. I’m sure it was so she would get a good grade, but the bottom line was, she was helping me.
“Sure. Um, how about tomorrow,” I said placing my last book into my bag.
“My last class is out around 3:00. Are you free then?” she asked.
“Yeah, that’ll work. Want to meet in the library?” I asked, still less than excited about this whole thing.
“There’s this great little seating area in the back. I used to study there all the time. Meet me there?” Her voice went up as she asked.
Perfect! Was all I could think. Where Graham and I used to hang out. That should be fun. But I didn’t say that. “Yeah, I’ll see you then.” I picked up my bag, slung it over my shoulder, and got the hell out of there. It was then that I knew it. This was going to be painful, wasn’t it? Having to work on this project with Nicole was so not what I needed right now. I went straight to the bus stop hoping I could get home quickly. I wished I had my car there, but coming straight from the airport with Ethan was the way our morning went. It was almost a successful getaway. All I could think about was finding a soft place to lay my head. Then I heard him call my name.
“Emily?” Graham came up behind me. I paused in my tracks. Just hearing his voice evoked such conflicting emotions. I felt the threads pull around my heart. But at the same time, dealing with Nicole was just too fresh, and I knew the mistrust wasn’t gone. I turned around. He walked toward me looking as handsome as he usually did. The problem was I knew where this was going this time. The talk with my grandmother was still rattling around in my head, and as much as seeing him tried to erase that conversation, it didn’t.
“Where have you been? I tried calling all weekend.” He looked almost angry.
“I had to go out of town.” My voice was small and meek. I almost couldn’t say it. “My grandfather…passed away.” I choked out the last words, and I felt my eyes start to sting again with tears.
His face softened. “Oh, I’m so sorry. Come here.” He pulled me to him resting his chin on top of my head. He rubbed his hands up my back pulling me closer. I felt an inner dialogue start. It was as if I had two personalities pushing against each other. A tug-of-war of sorts deep within. One urged me to push him away and set out on my own. Be strong Emily, he’s not good for you. The other one held on to him with all I had. I was tired, lonely and sad—all wrapped up in the despair of losing my grandpa. The strong girl in me rolled her eyes, but I just hugged Graham as tight as I could and loved the way he held me.
“Were you heading to the bus?” He pulled back to meet my eyes. The way his eyes narrowed and his voice went up indicated it must be a less than dignified mode of transportation.
“Yeah. I don’t have my car here. We came straight from the airport.”
“We?” he asked edgily before I saw him make the connection. “Oh, Ethan, of course. Well, let me take you home,” he offered. He wrapped his arm around me and pointed toward the parking garage. I noticed he didn’t wait for me to answer but…well, I went along anyway.
TWENTY-TWO
Changes Begin
Still tired and in no mood to discuss our relationship, I asked Graham to drop me off. I was absolutely shot, and I could feel my bed calling to me. And it called me alone. Before I got out of the car, Graham reached across and cupped the back of my head with his hand leaving me with a soft, warm kiss that I would think about throughout my shower and during the seconds it took me to fall asleep.
At first, I thought I was dreaming about something loud: a rapping that seemed far away. Then my eyes snapped open and I sat up with a jolt. Strands of my hair stuck to my forehead and cheek sopping up the tiny pin-drops of sweat that formed during my nap. I looked at the clock wondering what time it was, and if I actually heard someone knocking. Then I heard it again. Clearly this time. I pushed back my hair, feeling too warm and damp for my liking. It was early evening. I’d slept only a couple of hours. I looked through the peephole at Ethan.
“Hey,” he said as the door parted. “Thought you’d want your bag.”
“Thanks,” I took it from him and moved aside for him to come in. “How’s Allison? She and I really need to get together.”
“She’s fine.” He looked around my apartment. “You, on the other hand, don’t look so good. You feel OK?” He looked down at me, searching my eyes like a doctor.
“I’m good. I just woke up. Aren’t you tired? We got up so early,” I said.
“No. I’m good to go for some reason.” He shrugged.
“Huh.” That figured.
Ethan walked into my living room and picked up an apple in the bowl on my counter. He looked like he had something to say. I waited wondering what was on his mind. Finally he set it back down and tucked his fingers into the front pockets of his jeans.
“Well, gotta jam. Give Allison a ring. She mentioned she wants to have coffee with you soon.” He turned back toward me. “Check your machine, it’s blinking.”
“Oh, thanks,” I dismissed any thoughts that he had more on his mind. He shut the door behind him, and I seriously thought about going back to bed. I walked over to my answering machine and pressed the play button.
“Emily, its Colin.” Oh, Colin. I wouldn’t see him for a couple of days, but eventually I’d face all the concerned looks from those at work who knew about my grandfather, Colin included. His message went on in a gentle voice. I couldn’t help but feel a little warm listening to it. Next was a message from Allison. She wanted to meet for coffee in the morning before school. That would be perfect. I could really use a friend. With my revelation about Graham and the impending study session with Nicole, I could use all the advice she could dole out. The final message was from Trish. She was moving into her new apartment and really wanted me to see it. And she wanted me to come tonight. Actually, I looked over at the clock: right now. Yikes. I called her back but there was no answer. She left the address in the message, and frankly I had no reason to stand her up so I scribbled it down, pulled my hair into a ponytail and grabbed my car keys. I knew there were probably still creases and sheet marks across my cheek, but I didn’t care. To the beach apartment I went.
It was about a fifteen-minute drive. I left my windows down and felt moist cool air move across my face and body. It was crisp, and I felt the slightest chill creeping into the fall air. I remembered how quickly the weather changed last year. Warm with no signs of change, then one day the rain started. Not terribly cold or frequent, but it started nonetheless. I turned the last corner and felt it. Just a couple of drops but enough to qualify for a southern California shower. It tickled as the drips landed on my arms. I didn’t roll up the windows until I was parked behind Trish’s car.
The front door of the apartment was wide open and I heard the crinkling of papers and sliding of something; boxes, I presumed.
“Trish?” I called.
She poked her head out of the kitchen. “Emily, hey, come on in.”
“This place is amazing,” I said looking back out the door and across the street to the beach. There was a busy road between this row of houses, cottages and the beach, but the beach was well within reach. Anyway, who cares? I’d look both ways when I visited.
Even in the sprinkling rain people walked, skated and rode bikes on the sidewalk. Beyond, a group of girls played volleyball and hot, shirtless guys looked on. She had herself quite the pad.
“How in the world did you land this place?” I asked.
“I was just lucky, I guess,” she said. “I answered the advertisement and imagine I was the first.” She shrugged. “And it’s almost affordable.” She whispered cupping one side of her mouth with her hand like it was a secret.
“Well, give me the tour.” I joined her in the kitchen.
“This is the kitchen,” she said opening her hands as if she was modeling in front of a new car. It wasn’t a big kitchen, probably the same size as mine, but much cuter. The cabinets had a whitewash finish and the floor was hardwood, probably maple. The old-fashioned beachy character was apparent, and I had only seen the kitchen.
She led me to a fairly large living room. Again, the floor was hardwood, but what impressed me most were the tall ceiling and huge pair of windows looking out over a garden. Not the kind for vegetables, but instead sprays of pink, red and yellow flowers topping vibrant green bushes. It was beautiful.
From there, Trish led me down a short hall that ended with two bedrooms across the hall from each other. One not much bigger than the other, with a spacious bathroom in between. And whoa, the bathroom alone caught my immediate attention. The vanity was whitewashed like the kitchen cabinets, but with a marble top, and double sinks. The mirror above was big, flat, and simple, with three huge lights on each side like you’d see in a Hollywood dressing room. There was a separate shower and tub which I felt pulling me like a moth to the flame. I couldn’t get over it. I loved it. Trish leaned in the doorway watching me.
“You like it don’t you?” she asked in a singsong voice.
“Yeah, it’s dreamy.” I said back.
“So what do you think of your room?” she asked.
At first I didn’t hear her right. I looked at both rooms and nodded. “They’re nice. Spacious actually.” She smiled at me. A huge smile. Then her words caught up to the finish line in my head and they registered.
“My room?”
“Yeah, I thought maybe you’d be up for a change. I can’t really afford this place on my own.” She turned toward me and held both my hands in hers. “And we’d have so much fun.”
I thought about it for a second. I looked over everything again: from the bedrooms to that unbelievable bathroom. I was up for a change; really needed one, actually. And besides that, wow, a place right on the beach. How could I ask for more? I really didn’t need to think about it. My lease expired a couple of months before, and I’d been on a month-to-month basis since. I could bail at any time. I turned and leaned on the wall.
“OK, I’m in.” I shrugged
“Really?” Trish’s voice sounded like a little girl’s.
“Really!” I showed her same enthusiasm and reached for her hands.
“So.” She led me by one hand back into the living room. “What should we do with the place? I mean, I’m sure you want to paint or something.”
I looked around at the crisp white walls and tried to picture other colors but I couldn’t. Even when I closed my eyes I didn’t see it any differently. “You know what? I think it’s perfect just the way it is.”
Trish looked around as I had. “Totally.”
I don’t think either one of us wanted to suck the excitement out of the moment, but I saw her face change and knew it was coming. “Where have you been, anyway?”
My shoulders slumped. “I had to go out of town. My grandfather.” It was starting to get easier to say, but still I didn’t like talking about it. “He passed away.” I looked down at my feet.
“Oh, I’m so sorry.” She hugged me. “Are you going to be OK?”
“Yeah. And thank you. This really helps,” I said. “How can I be sad knowing I’m moving here?” I forced a smile. But really, the idea of this place lit up my dim psyche. Trish just smiled at me. A concerned sort of smile, but a smile. She didn’t ask me about my “men” situation, which must have been hard for her. And I appreciated it since it was the last thing I wanted to discuss. I concentrated on the joy of the moment. I was moving to the beach!
TWENTY-THREE
Study Partners Gone Bad
The next morning I met Allison bright and early for coffee. We dove right into catching up.
“So, have you seen Graham or Colin?” Allison teased right away.
I sighed. “I haven’t seen Colin, but Graham gave me a ride home yesterday. We didn’t really talk. I don’t know what I’m doing about that whole situation.”
“That ‘situation’?” She wanted me to go on.
“Yeah. I did some soul searching over the weekend. My grandma and I had a … a really good talk.”
“I’m glad Emily. You know we just want you to be happy. And Graham, I’m just not sure…” She stopped.
“Go on,” I said. “What is it that we have to say?” I asked, including Ethan.
“I’ve never hidden my feelings about him, have I?” she asked. I shrugged.
“Well, we…feel like he’s not good e
nough for you. You deserve better.” She pushed herself back from the table a little bit. “We don’t have to keep going over this. I don’t want to cause you any more sadness.”
I reached, putting my hand on the table between us. “Thanks. I know I’ve been, I don’t know, schizoid, but I’m making some changes.”
“Yeah?” she asked.
“Yeah. And I’m not only talking about guys.”
“Really? What’s up?” she asked.
“I can’t believe it, but I’m moving,” I said.
“What? But you love your place!”
“It’s been fine. But you have to see Trish’s new place. Well, our new place.” I corrected myself.
“You’re moving in with Trish?” She asked and her voice sounded relieved. I wondered why.
“Yes. I know, right? She rented this awesome cottage right on the beach. It’s a little two-bedroom, just perfect. I can’t wait for you to see it.”
“That’s great, Emily. It makes me feel better, you living with someone.”
I felt my forehead wrinkle. “Why? I do fine alone.” And when I said those words I realized it was true. And it had nothing to do with where I lived.
“Oh, I know you do.” She took a drink of her coffee and didn’t elaborate.
***
I never told her about my plans to meet later with Nicole. I was hoping our study and preparation session would be quick and uneventful. How wrong I was.
I met Nicole after class as promised in the seating area Graham and I used to frequent. I hated being there. I felt my stomach start to sour, and tried to focus on the matter at hand.
She approached looking as serious as I felt. It gave me hope that she too wanted to take care of business. She took the seat next to me and opened her folders before she uttered a word. There were no typical salutations or idle chit-chat, she simply jumped right in.
“And here’s what you’ll speak about. We’ll go in order and….” She went on. I gobbled up all the instruction, realizing again how thorough she was. I felt myself actually feeling thankful she was on my team. And that pissed me off even more.
Emily Calls It (The Emily Series) Page 13
