Stubborn Love

by Natalie Ward

  Today, 1:03am – Mia

  It feels like an eternity that we sit here. I haven’t taken my eyes off him and Jared is still staring at me, a look on his face that I cannot read now. I’m thinking it’s running somewhere between wanting to kill me and wanting to walk out of the room and never come back. I’m really hoping he does neither.

  “What?” he finally says, his voice cracking on that one word.

  I exhale loudly. “I fucked up, Jared. I know I fucked up and I want to fix that, I want to fix us.”

  “That’s not what you said,” he says, his voice firmer now.

  “No,” I say quietly, my heart pounding in my chest still. I don’t know if he wants me to repeat it because he isn’t sure he heard right or because he’s forcing me to say it again, forcing me to say it after I once refused to.

  “So tell me what you just said.”

  His voice is harsh and it makes me not want to say it at all, but I know that I have to. I know if I want any chance at getting back what we once had, I have to ignore the fact that he looks like he wants me to leave, or that he sounds like he doesn’t give a shit about what I have to say. I have to actually talk to him, talk to him like he’s always wanted me to. I have to let him in; have to share every secret and every fear that I’d always kept hidden from him, from everybody.

  I stand up and walk over to the stereo, randomly looking through the CDs piled there. I see a few of mine and it almost makes me smile to think he kept them, that he might still listen to them and think of me.

  “Mia.”

  I stop and turn to face him. “I said I love you, Jared. I still love you.”

  My voice is hard now as I stand here looking at him, waiting for his reaction to the words I just blurted out. He’s still sitting on the bed, wrapped in the towel, which has fallen open and is displaying most of one leg. The urge to walk over, rip it off and climb on top of him is so strong, that I almost forget we don’t do that anymore.

  But then Jared gets up and pulls the towel off for me. My eyes flick straight to his as I wonder if it really could be that easy, if I am forgiven and everything will be okay now. But then he smirks at me and I know it’s not. He stands there for a second longer, almost rubbing in the fact that I can look but not touch, before he stalks over to his drawers and angrily pulls the top one open. I stand completely still, unsure about what he’s going to do, but Jared just pulls on a pair of boxers before opening a lower drawer, taking out a t-shirt and yanking it over his head. He then turns and walks back towards his bed where he climbs in, sliding under the covers and leaning back against the headboard. Not quite ready for sleep but not exactly looking like he’s up for a chat either.

  I take a deep breath, willing myself to continue, knowing that this is all for a good reason, the best reason. That this is what I have to go through, and really, it’s what I deserve, if I want any chance at getting him back.

  “I know I owe you an apology Jared, an…”

  “You owe me an explanation is what you owe me,” he says, cutting me off.

  I grit my teeth, he has every right to make this hard for me. “I know I do and I want to explain it to you, I want to explain everything to you. Really.”

  He finally looks at me again and his face is set like stone, but it’s his eyes and what I see in them that really kills me. They are filled with hurt. Hurt and regret and misery and it hits me, like a hard punch in the gut, all the things I’ve done to this man, to this amazing, beautiful man who I love, so much.

  He never used to look at me like this. Once upon a time it was only with lust, desire, and love, even before we got together. God I can remember the look on his face when I first told him about RISD. It was like looking at a kid who had just been told all of his dreams were about to come true. His face was full of excitement and amazement and possibly even love back then too. Because it was like he understood, like he somehow knew how I felt, before I’d even worked it out. I’d wanted to laugh at his obvious excitement at first, but when I understood what else I was seeing, I couldn’t.

  I thought I was moving to RISD to get away from home and be closer to Luke, but that wasn’t the only reason. Deep down, buried somewhere in a place I was trying really hard to ignore, was another reason. And that reason’s name was Jared.

  I knew that a relationship between us was a bad idea, really bad. And it’s not like I was planning on letting it happen. But he had become an amazing friend and I wanted more of that. Of course the fact that I was also hugely attracted to him was not a factor in the equation at all…yeah right. An insanely hot guy, who you are already friends with, who you find unbelievably attractive, who happens to be your brother’s best friend and who looks at you like he wants you, like he knows you want him too. Yeah, like that wasn’t a disaster waiting to happen.

  I’d been powerless to stop it though. I couldn’t deny what I knew was there between us. An attraction that was like fire. Hot, fiery and all consuming, but which also had the power to rapidly get out of control, leaving one or both of us burnt in the process.

  But that’s not how he’s looking at me now. Not even close. And it breaks my heart to think I caused all of this, that I caused him to look at me like he is now.

  So, taking a deep breath, I walk slowly towards the bed. I don’t sit next to him, not daring to risk it. Instead, I sit on the end of the bed, tucking my legs under me and facing him. Ready to face anything and everything if it means I can have him back again.

  I feel nervous, sick, and kinda scared right now, but I am doing this, I really want to. I want him like I’ve never wanted anything else in my life. And if that one moment back in the bathroom proves anything, it’s that everything I thought I’d managed to bury, is all still there. Every feeling I ever had for Jared isn’t just alive and well, it’s now kicking and screaming its way to the surface, determined to be felt, determined to be heard. And even though I have no idea if he still feels the same way, I will force myself to feel these things, to listen to them.

  Hope he still feels them all too.

  “Will you please let me explain it all to you?” I finally ask.

  Four and a half years ago – Jared

  “You guys going to see Damien’s band play tonight?” Luke asks as we all stand around drinking coffee in the kitchen.

  I glance at Mia who is sitting on the kitchen counter. “You wanna go?” I ask her.

  She looks at me, then Luke, then back to me again. “You don’t mind?” she asks.

  “Of course not,” I tell her. “Why would I mind?”

  Mia shrugs now and rests her head on Luke’s shoulder as he leans against the counter next to her. These two are incredibly close and I guess after growing up in the kind of house they did, I can see why. They were probably the only sane things in each other’s lives, the only good thing they could hang on to. I’m sorta envious of their closeness, not because I have a bad relationship with either of my brothers, but because I wish I could have that with Mia too. I wish I could be someone for her to lean on, literally and metaphorically.

  “I dunno,” she says now. “I wouldn’t want to crash your night or whatever.”

  I push off the counter and refill my cup. “Don’t be stupid, you’re not crashing anything. Ben will probably come with us, you remember him, right? He was over the other day? But you’re more than welcome to join us.”

  “Are you going to come?” Mia asks Luke now.

  I watch as he turns to look at her, wraps his arm around her shoulders and pulls her closer. Something inside me starts to hurt, like a half-assed punch to the gut.

  “I’ve gotta work, but I’ll try and come after if I don’t get out too late,” Luke says to Mia. “You don’t mind looking after her for the night?” he asks, turning to face me now.

  I watch as Mia punches him in the ribs, the “Hey,” an automatic reflex on her part. Luke laughs in response pulling her closer as he rubs his knuckles into her hair and my insides twist a little bit more.

&n
bsp; “Jared?” I suddenly hear Mia say.

  “What?” I ask; confused at what she is asking me.

  “If you don’t mind,” she says, her face serious now as she looks me right in the eye. “I would like to come with you guys tonight.”

  I smile at her, forgetting that Luke is even in the room anymore as I answer, “Of course I don’t mind, you’re always welcome.”

  We head out around seven, stopping to grab some dinner, before walking to the club where Damien and his band are playing. Along the way I tell Mia about the record store Damien runs, which is also where I work, sometimes helping out when he teaches guitar at the local Y.

  “What kind of music does his band play?” Mia asks me as we walk side by side down the sidewalk.

  I glance down at her. “It’s pretty hard rock, maybe not quite what you’re into?” I suggest.

  Mia shrugs as though she doesn’t mind either way. “How come you don’t play in a band,” she suddenly asks. “You play guitar right?”

  I smile at her, before turning away. “I do play the guitar, yes, and I actually used to be in a band.”

  “What happened?” she asks me, her hand brushing against mine and sending a jolt up my arm.

  I swallow as I try not to act like a complete dick at the way her unintentional and barely-there touch, has just made me feel. I want to reach out and take her hand in mine, hold it as we walk to the club together.

  “Jared?”

  I shake my head; force the thought from my brain. “Ah, I guess you could say we had creative differences.”

  Mia laughs now. “Creative differences? What does that mean exactly?”

  I smile down at her. “It means the other guys were fucking hopeless about practicing and only ever wanted to do covers. I wanted to write our own stuff and actually take the whole thing seriously.”

  Mia frowns at me as though she’s upset it didn’t work out for some reason. I laugh a little as I reach out and smooth the frown line that’s formed between her eyebrows, watching as they lift in surprise now. I drop my hand and slide it into the pocket of my jeans even though I’d rather wrap it round her shoulders and pull her closer.

  “So why don’t you start another band?” she eventually asks me. “You know Luke is learning to play the guitar, right?”

  I laugh. “Yeah I do know that, who do you think’s teaching him?”

  Mia loops her arm through mine now and I swear I nearly pass out. I glance down at her quickly, but she’s staring straight ahead, so I don’t say anything, just keep walking along as though this is all perfectly normal.

  “Did Luke tell you about what happened when he was a kid?” she asks, her voice quieter. “About the guitar Dad was supposed to get him.”

  I unhook my arm from hers and wrap it around her shoulder now, without even thinking about it anymore. Fuck whether this is a good idea or not. “He did, yeah.”

  I pull her closer, squeezing her shoulder as Mia’s arm now wraps itself around my waist. God this feels so fucking perfect and right, us walking along like this. I wish we could walk forever and never reach the club.

  “Such a fucking asshole,” she says, almost to herself.

  I want to agree with her, but I say nothing. It’s one thing for her to bad mouth him, he’s her dad, she’s allowed to, but it’s an entirely different thing for me to do it, no matter how much I might want to. The guy is a fucking dick, in the biggest sense of the word. And I have no doubt, if I ever saw him again, I’d punch him in the face this time.

  “So why don’t you and Luke start up your own band?” Mia suddenly asks, her father now forgotten.

  I glance down at her just as she turns to look up at me, almost making me trip over my own feet. “Maybe,” I say quietly, distracted by how close we are, practically kissing distance.

  “You should Jared,” she says smiling. “I’d come and watch you guys play.”

  My heart stops beating in my chest. “Promise?” I immediately ask, half serious and half hopeful that she means it.

  “Yep,” she says, nodding her head as if to confirm it.

  And right then I decide, fuck it, maybe we should do it. I’m sure I can talk Luke into it; he’s gotten a lot better. Ben will be a certainty, so that just leaves someone on bass. And if nothing else, at least it means I’ll get to see Mia again if she really does keep her promise and comes to watch us play.

  We arrive at the club at the same time Ben walks up. I watch as he runs his eyes over Mia’s whole body and I immediately want to punch him. I no longer have my arm around her shoulder, so it’s not like I have any claim to her, but just the thought of his eyes on her pisses me off.

  After we are stamped and head inside, Mia offers to buy us all drinks.

  “I’ll get them,” I tell her, even though I don’t really want to leave her alone with Ben while I do. I have no problem with the guy, we’re good friends and I know he wouldn’t do anything to hurt Mia, but I just don’t want him interested in her, at all. Some small, possessive part of me, just wants to keep her all for myself.

  “No, let me, please,” she says. “You brought me out tonight, at least let me get the drinks.”

  “Okay,” I say, pushing the hair back off my face. “You got your ID?” I know she’s two years younger than me, which makes her underage. She got carded that time we went out for lunch and she probably will be here too.

  “Yep,” Mia says, nodding.

  I smile at her. “Well, I’ll have a beer then, thanks.”

  After Ben asks for the same, we both watch Mia as she weaves her way through the crowd of people to the bar.

  “Man, I’d forgotten how hot she is, how old is she again?” Ben asks.

  I turn to look at him as he watches her walk away. “She’s Luke’s sister dude,” I answer, a warning note in my voice.

  Ben’s face immediately snaps to mine. “Yeah,” he says, gesturing towards the bar. “I know, but I asked how old she is.”

  Yeah, but that’s not all you said, I think to myself. “Nineteen,” I answer.

  “She’s fucking hot is what she is.”

  I can feel a ball of fury building in my stomach. On any other night, I’d be agreeing with him, checking out the girl in question just as much as Ben is right now. But tonight, with Mia, I don’t want Ben or anyone else in the club even looking at her, let alone thinking about touching her.

  “She’s Luke’s sister, Ben,” I tell him, my voice firm and measured. “She’s a no-go area, okay?”

  Ben doesn’t say anything, just continues to watch the bar, where only the top of Mia’s head is visible.

  “Ben?” I repeat, jabbing him in the ribs.

  He turns to face me now. “Alright, alright, keep your fucking pants on. I won’t touch,” he says smiling at me as though he’s already forgotten before turning to face the rest of the room, no doubt looking for a new conquest for the night.

  It shouldn’t piss me off, but it does. Watching Ben like this is a bit of a slap in the face at what I’m normally like. Out on the prowl, checking out the women and not really thinking of them as anything but a hot piece of ass. But with Mia, I’m experiencing something entirely different. It’s not just a protective thing because Luke asked me to look after her. It’s a possessive thing too. Something that makes me want to not just look after her, but have her. Have her in a way that lets everybody else in this place know that she’s with me. I want her to be mine.

  Of course it’s fucking laughable that I’m telling Ben to back off, when all I can think about is doing the complete opposite. Memories of a drunken night a couple of months ago resurface and once again, I am filled with both regret at how it all panned out and a longing to go back and do it all over again. Christ, I can’t stop thinking about her.

  Mia eventually walks back over, carrying beers for each of us. We all turn and face the stage, watch as Damien and the rest of his band set up their instruments. When they eventually start up, the music is deafening, making any chance of conv
ersation virtually impossible. I’m standing between Ben and Mia and I’m acutely aware of her arm as it occasionally brushes against mine when she takes a sip of her drink. Every single movement she makes burns itself into my skin, registering with me, letting me know just how close we are standing. I want to pull her even closer, wrap my arms around her and pull her tight against me where I can feel all of her. Fuck, this girl is driving me crazy in a way no other girl has done before.

  About half way through their set, I need to take a breather. Put some space between us before I completely lose my shit and do something stupid. Which I can apparently still do anyway as I lean down and put my mouth to her ear. “I’m going to get us some more drinks.”

  Mia nods as she turns to face me. Our mouths are only an inch apart and I hold my breath, unsure what she’s about to do, knowing exactly what I’d like to do. “I’ll come with you,” she says and I can only nod, knowing this has the potential to be fucking awesome or a total fucking disaster.

  I quickly let Ben know where we’re going and then I am walking through the crowd to the bar at the back of the room. I can feel Mia’s hand as it hangs on to my t-shirt so we don’t lose each other in the crowd. I reach back, offering her my hand and smile when I feel her cold fingers slide into mine, and another quick jolt shooting up my arm at her touch. When we reach the bar, I reluctantly let go of Mia’s hand and put in an order for three more beers. Just as I turn to ask Mia what she thinks of Damien’s band, she pushes up on her toes and kisses me right on the mouth.

  I’m fucking shocked, but this time I’m not just standing here like an idiot while I try and work out why she’s doing this. This time, my hand automatically slides around her neck, holding her mouth against mine. My other hand reaches out, grabs her by the hip and gently pulls her body so it’s flush against mine. Mia moans into my mouth now and I feel her arms wrap themselves around my neck.