by Natalie Ward
Loved Xmas, New Year & definitely you too.
Then I turn and walk out of the room to take a shower.
It’s late by the time I get home, as the shop stays open till ten on Friday nights. The apartment is quiet, no one around. As I pull out my cell phone, ready to text Mia and find out where she is, I notice the light coming from under my door. Smiling, I walk towards it, tucking my phone into my back pocket. When I walk in, my smile only gets bigger as I find Mia curled up on the bed, fully clothed, but sound asleep. I notice my note sitting on the bedside table.
Quietly closing the door, I walk over, kicking off my shoes, before I crawl onto the bed and wrap myself around her. Pressing a kiss to the back of her neck, I feel her stir and turn in my arms so she’s facing me. As I brush the hair back from her face, her sleepy eyes half open, a tiny smile forming on her mouth. I lean in and press a soft kiss against those beautiful lips of hers and I feel her smile against me now.
“Did you mean it?” I whisper, pulling back a fraction.
Mia’s eyes are still only half open as she smiles and says, “Yes. Did you?”
“Definitely,” I whisper again, before leaning in to kiss her.
Mia starts to kiss me back this time, her body waking up as she slides her hand up under my shirt. We kiss slowly, gently, taking our time with each other.
“I love you Mia,” I finally say out loud.
She smiles against my lips again. “I love you too.”
Neither of us says anything more, we just kiss each other. I want to savour this moment with her and right now, it feels like she does too.
“I told you it would all be okay,” I whisper against her lips, knowing there is nothing in our way now.
Mia says nothing, but I feel her smile against my mouth.
Today, 3:58am – Mia
Jared is asleep.
He’s only just dozed off, but I’ve watched as his eyelids have gotten heavier and heavier, his blinks slower and slower. I can’t blame him, it’s nearly four in the morning. I’d be exhausted too if I wasn’t so anxious to get this all out. I feel like we’ve been dancing around in circles for the last hour, for every step we take towards the truth, we take another step back into the past.
But the memories of our time together are all still there, and it makes me smile to think of them, talk to him about them all. I’m glad Jared still remembers them, and they can still bring a smile to his face. They’re all that’s gotten me through the last year.
I reach over and switch off the lamp, my body stretching over Jared’s in the process. He doesn’t wake, but his fingers tighten in mine as though he thinks I’m leaving and they don’t want to let me go. I keep our hands together, holding my breath as my body rests lightly against his for just a second, hoping he doesn’t wake up.
But then I kill the switch and the room plunges into darkness. I reluctantly move my body off his and lie back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling and watching all of our stars as they finally start to come out. Staring up at them, I can remember all of the nights I spent lying underneath them, every single one is a permanent memory that is burnt into my brain. As my eyes slowly close, one memory in particular, comes to me, bringing a smile to my face as I too, drift off to sleep now.
I feel Jared’s warm body wrapping around me, his arms as they pull me closer to him. His hard chest is pressed against my back as his legs curl themselves into mine. He kisses the back of my neck, dragging me from sleep and I turn in his arms, wanting those lips of his on mine. His hand brushes my hair back and I try to open my eyes, the weight of sleep making it difficult.
“Did you mean it,” he whispers, his breath warm and tasting faintly of beer as he lightly kisses my lips.
My note, he found my note. He understood exactly what I was saying in it. I still can’t believe I actually did it, said the words I’ve wanted to say for ages. I never could though, could never bring myself to say them out loud…writing them down just felt so much easier. I love you. Three simple words that I couldn’t say, couldn’t even write in the end. But I do love him, really love him, and somehow, I couldn’t not say it, so in the end I did, in a roundabout kinda way.
“Yes,” I whisper back to him. “Did you?”
“Definitely,” Jared answers, without hesitation, before leaning in to kiss me again.
I deepen the kiss between us, wanting more from him. I feel his hand slide up under my shirt and although we take our time, savouring each other, our kiss feels intense, full of so many words and promises and love and maybe just a tiny bit of relief too. I wrap my arms around Jared’s waist, pulling him closer to me as I tangle our legs together.
“I love you Mia,” he says, his mouth still on mine.
I smile as my heart does somersaults inside my chest now, my fingers gripping his hips as though I never want to let him go. “I love you Jared,” I finally say out loud.
“I told you it would all be okay,” he says, bringing a smile to my lips as he understands what this kiss and these words are all about.
There is no more hiding now, no more sneaking around. I am free to love Jared and he is free to love me and there is nowhere else I’d rather be, than right here with this amazing man.
I move my hands from his hips, sliding them under his t-shirt and taking it with me as I pull it off him. A smile forms on his lips, but he doesn’t stop kissing me as he mirrors my actions, pulling my shirt off too. Both of us reach for each other’s belt and jeans, undoing them, before we push our own down and off our feet. When we are lying here in our underwear, Jared rolls onto his back, taking me with him so I’m lying on top of him.
His hands cradle my face as he gently lifts my lips from his. I open my eyes and stare down at him, see all of the want and love, staring back at me.
“You really love me?” he asks, a tiny smile dancing across his lips.
“I really do,” I whisper, leaning in for another kiss. “Do you really love me?”
Jared holds my lips to his, but I feel the smile against them. “I love you baby, so much.”
And then he kisses me in a way like he has never kissed me before. He kisses me not just with love, but with want and desire and need. He kisses me like it’s the first and last time he’ll ever kiss me. He kisses me like he wants to kiss me forever, as though this moment right now, will last forever.
And I don’t ever want him to stop.
Jared’s hands eventually slide from my face, down my spine. When they reach my bra, his fingers quickly unclasp it, before sliding down to my panties. I feel him push them down my hips, and I roll off him, so I can get everything off. As I lie naked underneath him now, I watch as he props his head on his hand, his elbow resting beside me, and just looks at me.
I feel completely naked under his gaze. Actually, more than just naked, I feel bared to my soul.
Jared lies there tracing patterns on my skin with his fingers. They move in swirls over my stomach and across my heart, all the while, he is whispering to me, “I love you.”
I smile up at him. “Are you writing that onto my skin?”
“I am,” he answers, smiling back at me. “So you’ll never forget it.”
I curl my hand around the back of his neck and pull him towards me so I can show him that I won’t.
Sixteen months ago – Jared
“Hey baby,” I say walking into the kitchen. Mia is sitting on the counter beside the stove, stirring something in a pot. I smile as I walk over and stand between her legs.
“Hey yourself,” she says smiling as she wraps them around my waist.
I lean in to kiss her. “You have some mail.”
I hand her the envelope with SAIC stamped in the upper left corner. I watch Mia’s forehead wrinkle in confusion as she studies the envelope. I take over the stirring, my other hand resting on her thigh as she keeps staring at the envelope in her hands.
“What is it?” I ask.
“I don’t know,” she says, turning it over as if trying to wor
k it out.
I laugh. “Maybe you should open it then?” I suggest, turning the heat off so I can focus on her now. I watch as she shrugs. “You don’t want to know what it is?” I ask.
Mia nods, while at the same time saying, “No.”
I squeeze her thighs until she looks at me. “You don’t want to know or you do?”
“Well, it’s from the Art Institute in Chicago,” she says. “But I don’t know why they’re sending me a letter.”
“Wasn’t that one of the schools you applied to?” I ask, pressing a kiss to her cheek now.
Mia drops the envelope on the counter as she wraps her arms around my shoulders, pulling me in for another kiss. “Yeah,” she mumbles against my mouth. “But that was over two years ago, before I moved here.”
I get lost in kissing her for a moment, not really caring what the letter is about. Apparently Mia doesn’t either, because she tightens her legs around my waist and pulls me even closer.
“So you’re not going to open it?” I ask, kissing a trail down her neck.
“What’s the point,” she murmurs, her voice low and sexy.
“It might be important,” I suggest.
“Mmmmm,” she says, pulling my mouth back to hers and kissing me deeply.
Okay, I really don’t care about the letter anymore. I slide my hands up her thighs and around her waist now, pulling her tight against me as I kiss her back. Mia’s hands slide up under my t-shirt against my back and I’m just about to pick her up and take to our bedroom when she pulls back a little.
“What, you okay?” I ask. Her cheeks are flushed and she looks so fucking sexy as she looks back at me, half distracted. I laugh, “You’re curious now, aren’t you?”
She nods at me and I lean in and kiss her quickly. “Open the envelope baby.”
I watch as Mia picks it up and rips it open. Inside are a couple of sheets of thick paper, all with this SAIC logo stamped across the top. They look fancy and official and I watch as she unfolds them and starts reading. Her eyebrows suddenly lift up in shock, but she doesn’t say anything, just keeps reading.
“Well?” I ask her.
“Huh,” Mia says, half listening.
“Huh what?” I say. “Come on, don’t keep me waiting here.”
She lifts her eyes to mine and stares at me for a second before she says, “They’ve chosen my piece for one of their shows. They want it as part of their emerging artists series,” she says. “It’s a really big deal, a once in a lifetime type thing.”
“Fucking hell baby, that’s fantastic,” I say, pulling her in for another kiss.
Mia kisses me back, her arms tightening as she pulls me closer. “Jared,” she murmurs around my lips.
“What?” I whisper, pulling back as I wonder why she isn’t more excited about this.
“The show,” she says, staring at me. “It’s in Chicago. I have to go to Chicago.”
I look at her. “And?”
“And,” she says. “I’ll probably be there for a month or so, setting it up, doing the exhibition.”
I can’t help but roll my eyes at her.
“What?” she asks.
“What nothing Mia, I’ll just come with you.” She’s shaking her head at me even as I suggest it. “What, what’s wrong, it’s only a month baby, that’s nothing. Damien won’t mind.”
“The band Jared, everything, you can’t just drop all that for me,” she says.
“Yes I can,” I tell her, leaning in to kiss her again.
She puts her hand on my chest, stopping me. “I can’t ask you to give that up,” she says quietly. “I won’t.”
“You’re not,” I say. “You don’t want me to come with you?” I ask.
“Of course I do,” she answers, gripping my t-shirt. “But you have commitments here and it will only be for a month, two tops, and then I’m coming back,” she says.
“So, what,” I ask, confused. “You want to go by yourself and I’ll just stay here?”
“No, I don’t want to, Jared,” she says. “But I don’t want to mess anything up and you have stuff here, stuff that’s important, so you should stay.”
“You’re still going to go though right,” I say, pressing my forehead against hers. “You’re not giving this up Mia, no way.”
She shrugs now and I pull back, sliding my hands from her back so they cup her cheeks. I stare at her for a few minutes, trying to work out what she’s thinking. “This is a fantastic opportunity Mia,” I say, my voice firm. “You have to do this baby.”
“You’ll come visit me?” she asks, her voice quiet, scared almost.
I smile at her. “Of course I’ll come visit you. Mia. I’ll come whenever you want me to,” I say. “We’ll work it out, don’t worry.”
“I’ll come back,” she says, pulling me closer. “I promise I’ll come back.”
“I know you will,” I whisper, pressing my lips to hers, not even considering the possibility that she won’t.
Today, 11:06am – Mia
Jared’s lips are kissing a slow trail from my belly button all the way up my body. When he reaches my neck, his kisses move slowly along my collarbone to my shoulder, before moving all the way down my side, to my hip. As they move past my breast, I shiver when he kisses a particularly sensitive spot, a tingle running throughout my whole body. I hear his soft laugh, feel him as he moves his lips back and kisses the same spot again, causing me to moan this time.
“Jared,” I whisper, my fingers gripping the sheets.
“Mmmm, what baby?” he asks, his mouth still kissing a path, this time down my leg. I know the next move will be back up my leg, on the inside this time. And I know this will lead to only one place, and mean only one thing.
I smile in anticipation.
And then my eyes snap open and the harsh light of day creeps in.
“Shit,” I breathe out, immediately looking around to see if he is awake, if he has noticed the dream I was just having.
But he’s not here, he’s gone, his side of the bed empty. I reach out, run my hand over the imprint of where his body used to be and find it cold. He hasn’t been here for a while. It makes my chest hurt and the euphoria of my dream already seems like a distant memory. Where is he? A part of me can’t help but wonder if this is what he felt like every time he woke up and found me gone. Was it this painful for him too? Could it possibly have been?
The door suddenly opens and Jared walks in. He’s still in the boxers and t-shirt he was wearing last night, and carrying two cups of what smells like coffee.
“Hey,” he says, glancing at me.
I smile at him as I sit up, the memory of my dream still floating in my head. “Hey yourself.”
Jared stops walking and looks right at me as he stands in the middle of his room holding the two cups. I look back at him, willing him to smile at me, to do something. The words just fell out, a natural response to his words, something we used to have no problem saying to each other. I used to love it too, love how it was just something we did with each other, never with anyone else. But I guess, using it right now, when things are so different between us, isn’t so good anymore.
Finally his lips twitch in a way that could be interpreted as a smile. I pull my knees to my chest and throw back the covers in encouragement for him to climb back into bed. He blinks before continuing to walk towards me, and does exactly what I’d hoped he would.
“Thank you,” I say as he hands me a cup of coffee.
“I guess we were both tired in the end,” he says, crawling back under the covers.
I turn to face him, take a sip of the hot coffee. “Yeah, I guess so.” I wonder when he got up, how long he’s been awake for, whether he knew I was dreaming of him like that.
“Did you sleep okay?” he asks, turning to look at me.
I stare back at him wanting to tell him that I haven’t slept that good since we were together. That the minute I was alone, away from him, sleep eluded me as my brain refused to stop thinking ab
out the biggest mistake I’d made in pushing him away. And just like the very first night we slept together, side by side and not touching, last night, or this morning, whenever it was, was one of the best night’s sleep of my life.
“Yes,” I answer instead, knowing we are not quite back to that place where I can tell him all of this.
“Good,” he says, falling silent now as he drinks his coffee.
Neither of us says anything for ages. The sun is streaming in through the open blinds that I don’t think we ever shut last night, and all our stars have gone into hiding again. It feels like that fragile connection we might have found last night has gone into hiding too. The air between us feels stilted, strained and right now, I can’t think of a single thing to say to him.
“Are you going to continue your story,” Jared suddenly asks, breaking the silence.
I turn to look at him, my heart pounding with a nervous energy as I realise it is only all of the bad stuff that’s left to say. Well, worse than all the things we spoke about last night anyway.
“Do you still want to hear it?” I ask him, my voice shaking.
He blinks, takes another sip of coffee before answering. “Yes.”
I take a deep breath, trying to remember where we were up to.
“The sneaking around,” Jared says, interrupting my thoughts. “You feeling guilty about being with me, not being able to talk to me about things.”
My head falls in frustration. “That’s not what I meant Jared, you have to understand,” I say into my cup of coffee. “The guilt came from not wanting to take yet another thing away from Luke, from needing to look after him, like he had always done for me. It was never anything about you,” I say, finally lifting my head to meet his stare. “Never.”
