by Natalie Ward
“I want to believe you Mia,” he says sadly. “But right now, I’m having trouble understanding how it isn’t.”
“When Luke found out about us,” I say, my fingers gripping the mug which is burning hot. “I was relieved, unbelievably relieved.”
“You were?” Jared suddenly asks me.
I turn to look at him. “Of course I was, weren’t you?”
“Yeah, of course I was.”
“I’ll admit, part of me was surprised,” I continue.
“That he already knew about us?” Jared asks.
I run my hand through my hair, take another sip of coffee. “No, surprised that he was so cool about it.”
“Because of what had happened with Brian?” Jared asks me.
I nod my head. “Yes and no. I mean Luke and I never really talked about what happened after that day, with him and Brian. I asked if they were still friends and he just said no, but never really said why.”
“But you still thought it was your fault?”
My head nods again. “Yes, and because of that, I guess I was surprised that Luke was just so okay with us, that it was no big deal to him. Considering something so minor between Brian and me ended their friendship, I guess I was surprised that what we had didn’t bother him at all.”
Jared shuffles further under the duvet, finishing his coffee and putting it on the side table. “Yeah, I guess there was a part of me that was surprised too.”
“You were?” I asked, shocked. “I never knew that.”
His mouth tilts in a half smile. “I know, I never told you that, because all I ever wanted was to come clean about us,” he says. “But I think deep down, I was still a little scared about telling him. I don’t have a sister, Mia, but I’ve seen how protective Luke is of you.”
“You were worried he wouldn’t think you were good enough?” I whisper, my heart in my throat now.
The half smile falls from his face as he nods his head. My heart breaks a tiny bit more at the realisation that he could even think this. “Don’t ever think that Jared,” I whisper to him. “Ever.”
Jared says nothing for a few minutes, his eyes firmly on the duvet as he lies there in silence. I finish my coffee, putting the cup down beside my side of the bed.
“Everything between us was so much better when Luke finally found out,” I eventually say, my eyes on the wall in front of me. From the corner of my eye I see Jared lift his head, turn to look at me. “So much better.”
“It was,” he finally says, his words a whisper.
I exhale loudly. “And then I fucked it all up by going to Chicago.”
Fourteen months ago – Jared
My flight lands fifteen minutes late. It feels like fifteen hours to me. I’m itching to see her. Desperate to touch her. I haven’t seen her in a month, but it feels like forever. Naughty texts and the occasional bit of phone sex can only get me so far, what I really need right now is the real thing. What I really need is Mia, in the flesh, right in front of me, right now. As I impatiently wait behind some idiot who seems to have spread his luggage in every single overhead compartment, I feel the phone in my pocket vibrate with an incoming message.
R u here yet?
I smile. Mia. Beautiful, impatient Mia. Rapidly typing in a response, I let out a loud sigh that hopefully tells this dickhead in front of me that some of us actually want to get off this plane. Tonight.
Finally we do and as I run up the concourse ramp, I see her right away, standing there with her arms wrapped around her body, a cell phone in her hand, which she repeatedly keeps looking at. I almost want to just stop and watch her for a moment, but my overwhelming need to touch her wins out, so instead, I run the last little distance between us, grabbing her in a hug and catching her off guard as she looks down at her phone once again.
I hear her squeal in response, which is soon muffled by my mouth on hers. I don’t know what we look like to everyone around us, but I really don’t care. The only person I’m seeing right now is Mia. I kiss her hard, like I can’t get enough of her and I can feel her respond as she’s wrapped in my arms, her body pressing itself tighter against me. Whatever it is that made me stay in Boston when she came out here, it might suck, but when we are like this, I know it is so worth it. Especially because I know it’s not forever.
“Hey you,” I finally say, pulling back to look at her.
“Hey yourself,” Mia replies, squeezing her arms around my waist.
I lean in to kiss her again, whispering against her lips, “I’ve missed you so bad, baby.”
“Mmmm, me too,” she mumbles before kissing me back.
Eventually I loosen my arms and we head out to the waiting line of cabs, all of my stuff in my carry-on so I wouldn’t have to waste time waiting for luggage. I don’t really anticipate needing many clothes this weekend anyway, not if I have my way. I keep my arm around her the whole time, not wanting to let her go now that I am finally here.
“Are you hungry?” she eventually asks me as we slide into the next available cab.
“Mmmm, hungry for something, yes, but it’s not exactly food,” I answer, nuzzling her neck.
I hear her laugh in response before saying, “Should we get something on the way, or head home and order in?”
As my mouth works its way up to her ear I whisper, “I just want to get you home as soon as possible Mia. I just want to touch you everywhere, kiss you everywhere. I don’t care about anything else right now.” It’s getting harder to control my own breathing right now and I am definitely hot for her, in fact I’m pretty sure I’ve been hot for her since the minute I got on the plane back in Boston. That is what this woman does to me.
I feel her hand as it grabs my thigh, sliding its way up and then her sharp intake of breath when she discovers just how much I want her. I can’t stop the moan that escapes from me when her fingers brush over my dick, and it takes the cabbie clearing his throat for Mia to realise she hasn’t actually told him where she lives yet. At this rate, I’ll be lucky to last the cab ride home.
By the time we reach the door to her apartment, I have her belt undone and my hands are inside her shirt. Hers are inside mine too and the poor bastard who got off two floors below us probably caught more than an eyeful in the elevator. Once again, I don’t give a shit. As Mia is unlocking her front door, I’m pulling my shirt off, throwing both it and my bag on the floor once we get inside, before I quickly do the same to hers. We don’t even make it to the couch, let alone the bedroom before I have her down on her back on the floor and me crawling over her.
“Don’t you wanna go to the bedroom?” she asks me, her breathing hard and fast now.
I lift my head and look around us, at me hovering over the top of Mia just inside the entry to her apartment. Maybe the bedroom would be a better idea, more comfortable anyway, and I plan on taking my time with her. I stand up, reaching out my hand to help Mia up. As soon as she’s standing, I grab her around the waist and throw her over my shoulder, smacking her on the ass at the same time. Mia squeals in response and I feel her grab my butt, hard, in payback.
“Jared,” she says laughing. “Put me down.”
“Uh uh, baby, I’m not letting you go all weekend,” I tell her, running my hand up the inside of her thigh, causing her to squirm in my arms. “Not once.”
As we walk into the bedroom, I dump Mia gently on the bed, hearing her laugh at the same time. I look down at her, sprawled over the mattress, her hair flying out around her, her cheeks flushed and her eye’s shining.
“Fucking hell, I’ve missed you,” I say, standing in between her legs and lifting one of them to rest against my shoulder, as I slowly unzip her boot.
Mia is smiling up at me, and she hooks her free leg around my waist, pulling me even closer. “You have?” she asks.
“Oh yeah baby, a lot,” I say, peeling off her boot and throwing it on the floor. As I lower and wrap this now bootless leg around my hip, Mia uncurls her other one, moving it to my shoulder so I can remo
ve that boot too.
“Are you going to show me how much?” she asks, smiling up at me.
My stomach flips at her words. “Is that a challenge?” I dare her.
“Think you’re up for it?” she asks, wrapping her other leg back around my waist before yanking me forward so I fall on top of her. I break my fall with my hands on either side of her shoulders, our mouths now only inches apart.
“Baby,” I breathe out against her lips. “Anytime, anywhere, you know that,” I answer, before kissing her hard on the mouth.
The next night is spent at the opening of Mia’s show. It’s at this big fancy Chicago art school and there are a bunch of people here, some of them dressed in really interesting and unusual ways. I can’t help but wonder if they’re supposed to be walking art exhibits or that’s just how they dress. Mia is busy making sure her stuff is all set up, so I wander around the hall alone, sipping on a beer. I can’t pretend I understand half the shit I’m looking at it, but I can certainly appreciate the talent, as well as the reason for doing it. Art is like music, it’s a form of expression and I realise each of us just has different ways of showing it. Mine is through guitar and song lyrics, Mia’s is through graphics, lighting and audio. The fact that she uses some of our music to add to her art, even if I think it’s not yet in the same league as her stuff, makes me smile, feel proud. It’s like a part of me is still with her and she’s also letting everyone know who we are, as though she’s as proud of the stuff we create as I am of her and everything she does.
“Hey, you okay?” Mia suddenly asks, her arm sliding around my waist.
“I am now,” I say smiling as I lean in to kiss her.
I feel her smile against my mouth, her hand on my hip tighten as she pulls me closer. I can’t wait until she comes back home to Boston, can’t wait until I can wake up beside her every morning again. This separation we’re putting up with right now is more painful than when she used to live in LA. Because this time, we are both all in, but we are miles apart. Before, it was hard, but in a different way because we never really knew where we stood and with all the sneaking around, there were times when it didn’t actually feel real.
Not now though. Now it’s a real as it can get.
“What do you think of the show?” she asks, pulling back a little.
I glance around, pretending to check out all the works that are on display. “They’re all good,” I say, leaning in to kiss her again. “But there’s one…” I whisper, pressing another kiss to her lips. “That’s really good.”
I hear her laugh. “Oh yeah, which one’s that?”
I pull her closer to me as I lean down and put my mouth to her ear. “See the one over on the far wall?”
“Uh huh,” she whispers, her breath warm against my cheek.
“That one’s my favourite,” I say, gently biting her ear lobe. “And apparently… it’s done by this really fucking sexy little artist. I’m actually thinking of trying to find her, see if I can’t get lucky, maybe take her home with me…”
Mia laughs, her body folding itself into mine. “Oh really, you live in Chicago then?”
I kiss her neck. “No, I’m just visiting for the weekend, but I’ve got somewhere to take her.”
Mia’s hand slides up under my shirt and I feel her nails dig into my skin. “Do you. So tell me…” she says, sliding her other hand down to my butt and squeezing.
I swear I’m going to drop my fucking beer in a minute and just go for it with her, regardless of where we are. “Yeah?” I whisper, returning the favour as I slide my fingers under the waistband of her skirt now.
“What exactly are you going to do with this lucky artist then?” Mia murmurs.
I dump my half empty beer on a passing waiter’s tray, wrapping my arm around Mia’s shoulders now and pulling her tighter against me. We’re standing right in the middle of the room. Mia’s got her hand up my shirt and my fingers are down her skirt and I’ve got a fucking hard on like you wouldn’t believe. I pull her closer as I whisper, “I’m going to pleasure her with an all night sex marathon till she’s literally begging me to stop.”
Mia bursts out laughing as she pushes her hips against mine. If she doesn’t stop soon, I really am going to lose it. As it stands right now, I’m going to have to head to the bathroom and splash cold water all over my face. Or maybe take her with me and sort this issue out the right way.
“Is that a challenge?” she asks.
I laugh now, loving this game we play. “You think you’re up for it?”
I feel her fingers tighten. “Anytime, anywhere Jared.”
I kiss her hard on the mouth, not giving a shit who’s watching or what we look like. “When can we get the hell out of here then?”
“When are you coming home baby?” I ask, my mouth on Mia’s neck. We’ve been home from the show for four hours and I’m making good on my promise of an all night sex marathon. I feel her exhale in my arms and I press my lips against her skin, holding her to me. She’s been in Chicago for a month. The show runs for another month and then it’s done. I’m not sure exactly how long she needs to stay here though, whether she needs to be at the show all the time, whether she can come straight home after it.
“Well….” she says and I can tell there’s more to follow.
“Well what?”
“I know it’s supposed to be in four weeks, but well…they kinda offered me a job.”
“What?” I ask, lifting my face from her neck so I can look at her. “Baby, that’s fantastic,” I say, leaning in to kiss her lips this time. “Fantastic.”
“Yeah, but I’m not gonna take it,” she says, her hand on my chest, pushing me back.
“What? Why not?” Mia is looking at me in a way that would have me scared if she wasn’t lying naked in my arms. “Why aren’t you taking the job?”
I watch as she exhales loudly. “Because I don’t want to be apart from you anymore,” she says. “I want to come home to you.”
I smile now as it all starts to make sense. A part of me loves that she wants to do this, that she’s been missing me as much as I’ve missed her and doesn’t want to do this long distance thing anymore. I know she is coming home in four weeks anyway, but it’s already four weeks too long. I miss her so fucking much and if she’d let me, I’d be spending the next four weeks right here, with her. But there’s another part of me that doesn’t want her to give up everything she has worked so hard to achieve, not when there is a much simpler alternative that would solve all our problems.
“I miss you,” she whispers, her hand moving from my chest as it pushes the hair back off my face.
I lean in and kiss her. “I miss you too Mia, more than you know,” I say against her lips. “But I don’t want you to give this up, I don’t want you to miss out on this opportunity.”
“But I don’t want to be apart,” she says.
“We won’t be,” I say, kissing her again. “Not when I move to Chicago.”
“You’d move here?” she asks, and I can hear the hope in her voice.
“Mia,” I say rolling us over so she lies on top of me now. “I’d do anything for you, you know that baby.”
“Really Jared?”
I stare into her eyes, so she knows I’m telling the truth now. I need her to understand, to understand that she means the world to me, that she is my world and I would do anything and everything for her. “I love you Mia, really love you and I don’t want to be apart from you either, didn’t want to be apart in the first place,” I say, quickly kissing the end of her nose. “So if you want to take this job baby, you take it. And I’ll happily move over here so we never have to be apart again.”
Mia smiles down at me and I can see the tears in her eyes, but I know this time they are happy ones. I’m about to say it again, tell her I really will do this, but then she leans in and kisses me.
Today, 12:02pm – Mia
“Chicago is what ended us?” Jared eventually asks.
“You have to admit
, it didn’t help,” I say to him.
Jared shakes his head, as though this is not what he wants to hear. “It was the right move for you Mia, for your career, for everything you’d worked so hard for.”
“Maybe, but it did mean things got a lot harder for us.”
“Only because you made it that way when you pushed me away,” he says, the frustration in his voice, evident. “I don’t understand what happened, one minute you were taking the job and I was moving out there. The next you were coming home,” Jared says. “And then it was all over. All over with me here in Boston and you there in Chicago.”
I turn to look at him, wishing I could just go back in time and change things, wish to fuck that I didn’t put him through this, or that I have to put him through it all again now.
“I would’ve moved out there to be with you, you know. I never expected you to give up your dreams for me,” he says, breaking my heart all over again
My eyes glance at the postcard he still has stuck on his board, in amongst the concert tickets and reminders, a funny sketch I once did for him. The postcard shows the Chicago skyline at night, a beautiful city that is an artist’s dream. At least it was, until it became my worst nightmare.
“I would have moved anywhere for you, Mia,” he says quietly, dragging my eyes away from the board and to his. They are filled with sadness and regret and it stabs me right in the chest.
“I know,” I whisper to him.
“Anywhere at all, I would have given you anything and everything, you know. All I ever wanted was you, just to be with you.” His words are said in a rush, hitting me all at once and twisting the imaginary knife that’s now firmly lodged right through my heart. I want to tell him the same thing, that I would’ve done anything for him too, but I know that’s not exactly true. Not when I pushed him away, not when I didn’t give him the one and only thing he wanted; us.
“I don’t understand why, why you pushed me away?” he says, his voice unbearably sad now and a tear escapes before I have a chance to stop it. I see Jared reach out to brush it away, but I pull back, not letting him.
