by Natalie Ward
“Chicago was never supposed to be a permanent move,” I finally say. “I wasn’t ever planning on staying there, it was just going to be that show and then back home.”
“I know,” he says. “But that job was a great opportunity for you.”
“It was,” I say nodding my head. “I wanted to do it and when you were nothing but supportive and encouraging, I really thought we could work it all out.”
“So what changed?” Jared asks.
My mind drifts back to just over a year ago. God it had been such a good weekend. Jared and I had barely left my apartment, barely left my bed even, except for food and to go to the show. It was perfect, he was perfect, and I’d thought we couldn’t get anymore perfect.
“Do you remember what you said to me, just before you left,” I ask him, my eyes back on that postcard as a replay of that last night starts up inside my brain.
“I love you?” he says, as though it could be anything else.
I smile, but I know it’s a sad smile. “Yes, you did, but there was something else too.”
“What?” he breathes out, a note of fear floating between us now.
I force my eyes to look at him, blink back the tears that I cannot seem to stop now. “You said, I love you Mia, really love you and I don’t want to be apart from you anymore. You’re not giving this up and I am moving over here, I only want to be with you.”
His words from that night are forever branded into my heart, stuck on repeat in my head. Ever since he spoke them, I’ve heard them every single day. They were the beginning of the end because of what they meant to me, to him and to everything else.
“What was so wrong with that Mia?” he whispers.
I bite my lip, afraid of what’s coming now.
“You’d starting getting shows,” I say, my voice breaking. “The band, it was all starting to happen for you, for Luke, for everyone.”
“And?”
It’s a question. A single word uttered from his mouth, that he already knows the answer too.
“How could I ask you to give that up?” I say, my voice so quiet I almost wonder if he hears me.
“You didn’t.”
The tears are falling now and I know there is no point trying to stop them. This is the moment I broke his heart and whether he knows it or not, it’s also the moment I broke my own, broke it clean in half. One half leaving on that plane with Jared and going back home to Boston, the other half remaining with me, as a permanent ache, buried deep inside my chest. An ache I knew I’d never get rid of, not until it found its way back to its other half. To my other half.
“No, I didn’t ask you,” I murmur. “But I also couldn’t let you. I couldn’t let you give that up, not for me.”
“Why?” he asks, his voice nothing but anguish now, because I know he knows exactly why. He just wants me to say it, wants me to say the words I’ve never been able to say out loud, until now.
I swallow, forcing air into my lungs, which now feel like they are being squeezed in a vice, as I try to get these next words out.
“You know why, Jared.”
He says nothing for what feels like an eternity, even though I know he knows the answer now, it’s written all over his beautiful face. I feel my fingers grip the duvet cover, the crack of my knuckles as I desperately try to hang on to something, anything. Everything around us is perfectly still, there is no movement, no air, no breathing. I feel like I am suffocating, but I can’t look away from him.
“Luke,” he eventually says, a single tear falling down his cheek now that shatters what is left of my aching, broken heart. “You didn’t want me to leave the band, leave Boston, because of Luke?”
I can’t talk, cannot even answer him. I can only nod.
Yes.
Eight months ago – Jared
“Jared,” Luke says to me as he walks into the kitchen.
I turn and look at him. “Yeah?”
“I need to tell you something,” he says. He looks nervous as fuck and I haven’t got the slightest idea what this is about.
“Okay.”
“Mia’s coming into town this weekend,” he says, running his hand over his head. “But she’s gonna stay somewhere else, didn’t want to make it uncomfortable or whatever by staying here.”
It’s like a punch in the gut, a hard, fast one that you don’t see coming but which leaves you completely breathless and doubled over in pain. Maybe a kick to the balls actually, that would be closer to the truth about how I’m feeling right now. I don’t know if it’s the idea that Mia is going to be in Boston again, for the first time since everything went to shit between us, or that she doesn’t want to stay here, doesn’t want to see me.
“There’s something else though,” Luke starts to say before I cut him off.
“She’s coming to Boston?” I ask, needing to check that I heard him correctly.
Luke looks at me now with a mixture of sadness and worry. I’m assuming he doesn’t know what happened between his sister and me. He’s asked, but seeing as I have no fucking clue, it’s impossible for me to say anything to him. I don’t know what Mia has told him, whether she told him the things she seems unable to tell me. But if she has, Luke hasn’t exactly passed on the message. Seems we are either both in the dark about it or Luke knows the truth and is electing not to tell me. I’m not sure which one bothers me more.
“She is, but she won’t stay here, okay. I know that would be weird, awkward.”
“No, it’s okay. She should stay here,” I say without even thinking about the words that are coming from my mouth. I don’t even know why I’m saying this, why I would possibly want to subject myself to seeing her again, not after everything that’s happened. Maybe a part of me hopes if she’s forced to see me, she’ll actually be able to tell me what the fuck went wrong between us. Maybe if she’s here in the apartment, the apartment I once shared with her and she remembers all the good times we had here, maybe I’ll be able to make her talk to me.
Maybe.
Luke is running his hand over his head again. “You…you’re sure Jared?” he asks. “Cause I can’t imagine that’ll be easy, for either of you.”
I force myself to look at him, to ask the question I’ve only ever danced around. “Tell me something Luke, has Mia ever told you what happened between us?”
He looks shocked. “No.”
I believe him, his reaction is too real for it to be a lie. “Well, I’ll tell you something,” I say, wanting to tell him that I also have no idea about what happened. “Mia…” I start, but the minute I open my mouth to say the words, I suddenly can’t say them. I cannot bring myself to bad mouth Mia, not to her brother, not to myself, certainly not out loud where the words will forever remain, unable to be taken back. I have no fucking clue what happened between Mia and me, and from the looks of it, neither does Luke. But that is not his problem and it’s not his issue to deal with and more than anything, it is not for him to think badly of his own sister. This is between Mia and me, it’s what I’d always said to her back when we were together. I’d promised her that Luke would never be an issue in our relationship because he was my friend and her brother. I promised her that it would never come between us, or cause problems for us, or anything. And that’s not changing now.
“Jared?” he asks and I realise I’ve actually stopped talking.
I take a deep breath as I utter words that I know are going to come back and haunt me. “Mia is always welcome to stay here. Tell her she can stay.”
Luke just nods at me and I nod back before I walk out of the kitchen and into my room, where I try to get my breathing under control and work out what I’m going to say to the only woman I’ve ever loved, when I see her again.
Mia arrives at the show with Ash and it’s clear these two are already becoming friends. I’ve managed to avoid her since she got to Boston, but I think she’s been avoiding me too. I don’t know what to do. I want to talk to her, really talk to her, but I’m too afraid that she won’t
say anything back to me. Or worse still, that she’ll repeat all the things she said to me back in Chicago. Hearing those words once was bad enough, I don’t need to hear them again. But there’s another part of me that’s still so fucking angry at her. Not just because of those words, all the ones she said, but more at the ones she didn’t say. And there’s a part of me that’s scared about what I would say to her right now. I’m angry enough that I could say something really fucking stupid and despite everything, there are some words I don’t want spoken at all.
So I’ve avoided her all day and I’ve been at the club all night. I know this is the first time she’s really seen us play, in a real, legit show. I can’t actually believe she kept her promise and showed up and I’m really not sure what I’m supposed to think of that.
Then again, she’s not here for me.
The show is good, it’s like all the ones we’ve been playing lately, solid. Despite all the initial issues we had when we couldn’t work out who would do vocals, what stuff we’d play and even just trying to find a time to practice, we’ve somehow managed to pull together a band that is half way decent. It’s definitely better than the one I played in before, and now that Luke is finally working normal hours like the rest of us, practice and shows can happen more often.
Of course, that all depends on what happens with this girl he’s so fucking crazy about. I glance down at her and Mia at the back of the room. Both of them are watching us, Ash’s eyes firmly on Luke’s, but Mia’s watching everything. As we launch into a cover of Stubborn Love though, she turns to look at me, and all at once, everything freezes. Suddenly, there is no crowd and no bar. Hell there might not even be anyone else on stage with me, because the only thing I’m seeing, is Mia, standing at the back of the room watching me. I have no idea what she’s thinking, whether she feels anything even remotely like what I’m feeling now, but for some reason I can’t look away. The song, its lyrics have nothing to do with us, no message or whatever, but it’s a song whose title pretty much sums up everything that’s Mia. She is the most stubborn person I’ve ever met, but my love for her is pretty fucking stubborn too. Stubborn enough not to ever stop, even when she’s stopped loving me back. Stubborn enough to not let me move on, to let her go and find someone else.
But I just can’t and I don’t know if I ever will. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to let her go, even after everything that’s happened.
We play the whole song staring at each other and the only reason I look away is because Luke comes over to say something. By the time I look back, Mia isn’t watching me anymore and I don’t know if I imagined that moment or not.
By the time we come off stage, Mia is practically jumping up and down with excitement. I’m guessing she’s pretty much blown away by what she’s seen her brother do tonight. As soon as we walk over, she throws her arms around him. I watch them with a ball of jealousy in my gut and when I flick a quick glance in Ash’s direction I can’t help but wonder if she’s feeling the same. If only she knew how crazy Luke was about her.
Mia eventually lets Luke go before she turns and hugs Ben, and then Steve. When she lets him go, I watch as she turns to face me, a huge smile on her face, her eyes alive, before she takes two steps towards me and wraps her arms around my neck.
All at once I feel like I’m going to pass out. My head is spinning with both the idea and the feeling that Mia’s arms are once again wrapped around me. My head drops to her shoulder and I bury my face in her hair. She smells amazing, she feels even better and I can’t help but wrap my arms around her. They slide around her waist, pulling her tight against me and all at once I feel a peace I haven’t felt in months.
“You were amazing,” she whispers in my ear. “I knew you guys could do this, I knew it.”
Her breath is warm against my skin, the sound of her voice like home to me. I squeeze my arms around her, unable to speak. I don’t want to let her go, but I can feel her arms loosening around my neck, her body pulling back. When I reluctantly pull back and open my eyes, she is still in my arms and hers are still around my neck and I want to say something, but I can’t seem to open my fucking mouth to get any words out.
“Are you okay?” she asks, her head tilting as she looks at me.
I start to shake my head, but then change my mind and nod at her. She smiles at me in a way that it makes my heart skip a beat before it resumes pounding in my chest again. I wonder what she’s thinking right now. Whether she has any idea what I’m thinking, or how much I miss her. Why none of this seems to be affecting her at all. Does she even think about me anymore? Or are her walls back up, protecting her, stopping her from feeling anything.
“You were really good tonight, Jared,” she says. “Really good.”
And then she shocks the shit out of me by doing the unthinkable. She pushes up on her toes and kisses me on the cheek, her hand resting lightly against my other cheek. My eyes close again and I sink into her touch, breathing her in and never wanting to let her go. But then she is gone, her arms have unwrapped themselves and she is smiling and talking to Ash and I am once again feeling empty and lost.
I am no longer angry. I am confused and I am fucking miserable. And right now, I can’t tell whether she’s happy to see me, whether she misses me, or what.
But the only thing I know for certain is that I miss her so fucking much, it hurts.
Today, 12:42pm – Mia
Jared still isn’t talking. He’s sitting on the bed, staring up at his ceiling and I’m wondering whether he’s ever going to say anything to me again.
As we sit here in stilted silence, my mind drifts back to the phone call that was the reason I was coming back to Boston. The phone call that was the reason I gave up Chicago. Okay, it wasn’t the only reason, it was a contributing factor, I know that. But Jared would have moved and after this phone call, I couldn’t let him. Instead, I was going to move, give up everything I’d worked so hard for because I didn’t want to wind up in the one situation I’d tried so hard to avoid.
“Mia, hey, how are you?” Luke’s voice sounds through the phone.
I smile at how happy he sounds, how different it is to before. “Good, how are things with you?”
“All good sis, is Jared still with you or is he on his way back?”
I run my hand over the empty bed beside me, wishing he was still lying here. He’d be halfway home by now I think, glancing at the clock beside my bed. I’m already missing him even though I didn’t leave his side for the entire seventy-two hours that he was here.
“Yeah, he’s gone.”
“Did he tell you how the band’s going, how we’ve started playing some shows now?” Luke continues, obvious excitement in his voice. “You’ll have to come out and see us sometime.”
My heart constricts as I realise Jared hasn’t told me any of this, well not in the way Luke is. I knew they were doing better as a band, but not this much better. Not shows and stuff.
“Mia?” my brother asks.
“Yeah, I’d like that,” I say, wondering how it is that my heart can suddenly feel both happy and devastated all at once.
“You okay?” Luke asks me.
I swallow, forcing the sob that I know is trying to get out, back down. I can’t do this, I can’t take this away from him. “Yeah fine,” I say. “Just miss you guys, that’s all.”
“How much longer are you going to be in Chicago?” he asks. “I thought you were coming back after the show?”
I exhale, unsure of anything anymore. “I don’t know,” I say quietly. “A couple of weeks, then I’ll be back.”
“Are you okay with that, I mean do you like it there?”
I smile, even though he can’t see me. “I do like it, yeah,” I tell him, even though I am already packing up to leave, knowing I can’t stay now.
“Good,” he says. “I’m glad Mia, you deserve it.”
His words squeeze my heart, force me to make the decision I don’t want to make, but know I have to.
&nb
sp; “And you deserve this Luke,” I whisper.
“What?” he asks, confused.
“The band, all the success. I’m really glad it’s all worked out for you.” And I am, probably more than he ever realises.
Luke laughs. “Well, we’re hardly a success Mia, far from it. But it’s exciting that we are getting some shows. Will you come out and see us sometime?” he asks, his voice pleading. “If you end up staying in Chicago?”
“You know I will,” I tell him, meaning it. “I promised I would, but it won’t be an issue, I’ll be home soon anyway.”
“Good,” he says. “Jared will be happy.”
My hand moves from the bed to my stomach as the pain intensifies. Memories of his hand, of patterns traced into my skin, of lips pressed against it, of forbidden words whispered into it, all surface. God, why did he have to say those things, why? Why the fuck did I have to get this job in the first place?
“Listen Luke, I gotta go, can I call you back later?” I ask, the pain now turning into something else.
“Is everything okay Mia?” he asks. “You and Jared didn’t have a fight or anything?”
My eyes close, the pain intensifying as I think back over the last seventy-two hours and how incredibly perfect and amazing and unbelievable it was. I’d give anything to be able to go back to Friday night, standing at the airport, waiting for Jared to finally get off that plane.
“No, we’re fine, great actually,” I whisper. “I gotta go, I’ll talk to you later?”
“Okay, if you’re sure Mia,” Luke says, not sounding convinced. “Talk soon, love you sis.”
“I love you too Luke, bye.”
“So that’s why you didn’t take the job?” Jared asks, breaking the silence and bringing me back to the present. “You quit your job because of the band, because of Luke?”
I turn to face him, find him looking at me with a look of complete devastation on his face.
