by Natalie Ward
And all I can do is nod.
Yes.
Five months ago – Jared
I’m out on the deck when I hear the door open behind me. Without even looking I can guess who it will be.
“Can’t sleep?” Mia asks.
I’m sitting with my feet up on the railing, staring out at the beach and without turning I answer her, “No.”
The sea looks black from here, no longer the colour of Mia’s eyes, like it was earlier today. Fuck, earlier today. That was just painful. Sitting out on the sand, trying not to stare at her as she lay there in a bikini so tiny, she may as well have not been wearing it. Watching her laugh and talk and basically act like nothing had ever happened between us, it was fucking agonising. All of those forced bullshit conversations, like some strange mutual agreement had been reached not to rock the boat, not to make things awkward for everyone else.
It was making me sick.
Acting as though Mia and I had never happened, that there had never been anything even remotely important between us.
That the four fucking years we spent together, meant nothing.
“Yeah me either,” she replies, walking over to the balcony and hoisting herself up on to it. I can’t help but look over at her now, my eyes drawn to her no matter how much I try to stop it. She is wearing boxer shorts, fuck, my boxer shorts. Did she take them from my drawer or did I leave them at her place in Chicago? God I can’t believe she is wearing them, and together with her tight tank, she looks fucking gorgeous, as always. She never slept in anything all the times she’d slept with me, but I knew she wore this kind of stuff back when we’d been sneaking around. I’d peeled it off her often enough to know that.
I feel my stomach tighten at the sight of her, just like it always did and I have to look away. Once again I wonder how much more of this I am going to be able to take. No matter how much I try to avoid it, I am always going to see her, because she will always come to see Luke. Why had I even come with them to the Cape in the first place?
“Why can’t you sleep,” she eventually asks when it becomes clear I’m not going to start the conversation.
Without looking at her I answer, “My room is next door to Ash and Luke’s.”
The reason hangs between us, the obviousness of what’s going on in their room, but what’s missing between us now.
“Oh,” is all she says.
Despite myself, I risk another quick glance at her and even in the moonlight I can see the blush that creeps onto her cheeks. She looks at me then for the briefest of seconds and I quickly meet her eyes, eyes that do look like the sea tonight, before I have to turn away again.
“He’s happy with her though, isn’t he?” she asks quietly.
“Happier than I’ve ever seen him,” I answer. “He’s wanted her for a long time.” And now he has her. Unlike me, who doesn’t have you anymore, my bitter inner voice can’t help but add.
“Yeah,” she adds quietly. “I’m glad to see him so happy.”
I don’t want to talk about this anymore, don’t want to discuss how happy Luke is now that he has the woman he wanted. Don’t want to talk about how happy I am for him, for both of them, or how fucking pissed off I am because I can’t have that anymore.
“Why are you awake?” I ask Mia, my voice harder than I mean it to be.
“I don’t know,” she answers quietly. “Just couldn’t sleep I guess.”
I exhale loudly, running my hands over my face. “Are you okay, is everything alright Mia?” I eventually ask, unable to stop myself, as I finally look right at her. I’ll always worry about Mia, I have since the day I met her and I will until the day I die. I guess that’s what love does to you, and even though she doesn’t love me back, I don’t think I will ever stop worrying about her. I won’t stop loving her either. I haven’t now, even after all these months. Months of not knowing what the fuck I did wrong.
Her leg stretches out, the tips of her toes just reaching the armrest of the chair I am sitting in. I want to reach out and touch her, run my hand up her smooth, soft skin, like I used to. But I don’t, I’m not allowed to do that anymore, she made sure of that and I don’t want to torture myself with the possibility. I’m sick of it, sick of being so close to her, sick of wanting her and not being allowed to have her anymore. I’m not even sure if I can stay living in the same apartment as Luke now. He has Ash anyway, so he doesn’t need me around, cramping their style. And I sure as shit don’t need to be reminded of who his sister is.
Mia doesn’t answer my question and neither of us says anything more. We sit in silence, with my hand resting just inches from her foot but unable to look at each other now. I’ve watched her all day. Watched her act like nothing ever happened between us and it has made me so fucking pissed off. I have no fucking idea why it all went so wrong. And I know I should be sorry for everything I said and did back in Chicago. I know I should regret it, I said some awful things, things I can’t undo. But I can’t, I’m just too fucking pissed off this time.
Seeing her today changed something. I don’t know what it was, being out here, seeing her happy, seeing her in a tiny fucking bikini, but tonight, around that fire we’d built on the beach, something changed. Somehow all of the sadness and hurt that I was feeling, has materialised into anger, hard fucking anger that I have no hope of letting go of right now.
Anger at how she pushed me away. Anger at having no fucking clue as to what I did wrong. Anger because she still won’t fucking talk about it, even though I thought we’d gotten passed all of that shit. But I think most of all, my anger is about her acting as though none of it ever happened, as though we never even happened. It’s like all those years we spent together, sneaking around, living together, none of it meant anything to her. And I have no fucking clue why, or how she can act like that.
Not when she means the world to me.
I can’t fucking handle it anymore. Not now, not again. We’re done. We are so fucking done.
I push up out of the chair. “I’m going to bed,” I say, glancing quickly at Mia before I turn and head inside.
“Jared?”
I stop, even now, I just can’t help it. But don’t turn around. Stupid really, because I can see her reflected back at me in the sliding glass door. Can see everything about her, illuminated by the nearly full moon hanging in the clear night sky behind us. A sky filled with stars that remind me of the bedroom we used to share, the stars we used to sleep under, wrapped together every fucking night.
I watch as she lowers herself off the railing. Watch as she walks slowly towards me, stopping when she is just behind me. How easy it would be to just turn around and pull her into my arms, drag her towards me and press my mouth to hers. I wonder if she would resist or would she just cave like I know I would if the situation was reversed. God I want to kiss her so bad. I want to turn around, pull her into my arms and press my mouth against her. I want her arms to wrap themselves around my shoulders as I pick her up and take her down to the beach, to a hidden spot where I can kiss her all over. Where no one will find us, where we can pretend, for just a minute, that nothing else, including all of our problems, even exists.
But I don’t. I do nothing but stand here, watching our reflections in the glass door. Unable to move at all.
“I miss you,” she finally says, her voice barely a whisper.
I feel like all of the air is pushed out of me. I can’t breathe, and I want to ask what she means, but I don’t even dare, too scared that it doesn’t mean anything. Too pissed off that I’m finally hearing the words I needed to hear six months ago, but not for one minute believing they are actually true. So I don’t ask her, instead I say the only true thing I can, hoping it gets through to her. Knowing that even if it does, it probably won’t change anything.
“I miss you too Mia, really fucking miss you,” I say, lowering my head so I don’t have to see her reaction before walking back inside and leaving her standing there alone.
Today, 12:45pm – Mi
a
“So you quit your job, you just gave up that awesome opportunity, for Luke?”
I take a deep breath, forcing the air into my lungs before I give up and pass out. “Not just Luke,” I tell him. “You too.”
“Right,” he says and I know he doesn’t believe me.
“You have to understand, Jared, none of what I did was easy for me, please don’t think I didn’t hurt because of it.”
Jared laughs, but it’s bitter now. “What, and you think it was somehow easy for me?”
“No,” I say quietly.
“Because I can tell you it wasn’t, Mia,” he says, his voice harsh now. “It was anything but easy. In fact it was fucking awful, has been…” He looks right at me and I can see the pain on his face. “Fucking awful.”
I feel an ache in my fingers and when I glance down, I see they are twisted around each other so tightly, they are white. I can’t even begin to work out how to undo them, it’s as though they are locked in place. When I glance up, I can see the anger all over Jared’s face. What was pain has now morphed into anger and it’s a side of Jared I’ve only seen once before.
“I know Jared,” I say. “I know it wasn’t easy for you. It wasn’t easy for me either. And Luke…”
“You know what Mia?” Jared suddenly says, cutting me off. “Right now, I really don’t give a fuck about Luke.”
“What?” I ask, shocked.
“I said I don’t give a fuck about Luke and what he’s got to do with us. Although I know that you do, because from where I’m sitting, it’s pretty fucking obvious you picked him over me.”
“Jared, no…” I try to say.
“No? How else would you describe it Mia? I wanted to be with you, I thought you wanted to be with me. You said you did, but you pushed me away,” he says, stopping to take a breath. “You were coming back to Boston, for Luke. Then you weren’t. But you sure as shit weren’t letting me come to Chicago. So I don’t get it Mia, I really don’t fucking get it.”
“Jared,” I plead, needing him to understand.
“No Mia,” he says cutting me off. “I need to speak now…You’re telling me it’s all because of Luke, because of what would make him happy? What about me? What about making me fucking happy?”
Jared is yelling now, the anger and frustration he is feeling is evident in his voice, on his face, his whole body. He gets up off the bed and stalks towards the door. I hold my breath as I wait to see if he is storming out. But he doesn’t, he just grips the edge of it tightly before slamming it shut and standing with his back to me.
“I never meant to push you away Jared, I really never meant to do that.” I watch as he continues to stare at the door, not looking at me. “I only ever wanted to be with you. I loved you, I really did and nothing about that has changed.” I stop, bracing myself before continuing, “But something…something happened after that last time you came to visit. Something I couldn’t let happen…” my voice catches and I have to clear my throat before I can go on. “Despite how much I wanted it to. Something, which made me do what I did, but which I know was wrong. Something I did to protect someone I love, but something that ended up hurting the person I love the most, even more.” I stop now, not sure how to continue.
I can feel the tears threatening, but I don’t want to let them out. I need to say all of this, I need to just get it out once and for all. Jared’s right, I do owe him an explanation. I owe him everything. I lower my head, closing my eyes as I force the tears away, before looking back at him. Jared turns now and I see his face is a mask of hurt and betrayal and it literally kills me to have him looking at me like this. I didn’t think it was possible for my heart to break anymore, but right now, it feels like it is being ripped, piece by piece, from my chest.
He stares at me, saying nothing.
I force my eyes to stay on his as I tell him. “You wanted to move to Chicago, Jared. You wanted to give up the band, give up everything, for me.”
“Because I was in love with you, Mia, why was that a problem, why was that such a bad thing?” he suddenly yells.
The pieces of my heart are all on the floor now, surrounding me. I wonder if it’s possible to pick them back up, force them back inside my chest where they belong, so I can have any chance of surviving this.
“Because of Luke,” I whisper. “And because of that I quit…”
Jared explodes now, his face red with fury as he interrupts me. “So, basically,” Jared spits. “You gave up Chicago because you didn’t want to ruin whatever it was that Luke had going on here, is that right?” His voice harsh,
“Yes,” I say quietly.
Jared exhales loudly. “I just don’t get it, I mean, I don’t get why you couldn’t say any of that to me, Mia. I thought we’d gotten past all of that shit.”
“We had,” I say, knowing that everything that’s been said, it’s all been to get to this point, right now.
“So what the fuck happened?” he asks, his hands running through his hair in frustration again.
God, this next part is going to hurt so much more than anything I’ve said so far. “I’m sorry Jared. I know there is nothing I can say or do to make what I did right. But please know, I am so sorry. Sorry for what I did, but most of all, sorry for hurting you like that.”
Jared stands there, staring at the floor now. His body is tense and I can’t tell if he’s listening to me or not. He opens his mouth, but then shuts it as though he doesn’t trust himself to speak.
I get up off the bed and walk towards him, nervously reach over and take one of his hands in mine. He resists at first, his fingers remaining curled in a fist. My thumb brushes lightly over his knuckles, which are white with tension.
“I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness,” I whisper, silently begging him to look at me. “But please know, there hasn’t been a single day that’s gone by that I haven’t regretted what I did, that I don’t wish I could go back and change everything.”
Jared looks at me with a face that’s full of fury, and I don’t think he’s heard a single word I’ve said. I hold my breath, hoping, wishing he could just read my mind, understand all of this.
“Yeah,” Jared suddenly says, his voice like venom. “But what you’re really saying is that he was more important to you than me, than us?”
The way he says it tells me he hasn’t heard what I’ve said and as he lets go of my hand and starts pacing in front of me, all I want to do is get down on my knees and beg him to forgive me. To apologise for the stupid fucking mistake I made, to make him understand me.
“Jared,” I plead, putting my hand on his chest as he walks past. “Please.”
He stops, so I continue. “That’s not it at all, not even close. I just, I couldn’t bear to take something else away from him. You know what it was like for him growing up Jared.” My fingers grip his t-shirt now, trying to get him to listen, to understand.
He exhales, his chest moving against my hand. I want to pull him closer, pull him into my arms and never let him go. “Trust me Mia, I know what he went through okay.”
“Jared, please believe me,” I beg. “I never meant to hurt you like that. I never wanted to do that to you. I know now how very wrong it was. I know I was wrong.” My voice cracks with sobs as I realise I am crying now, unable to stop the tears. My fingers tighten in his t-shirt, pulling on it. “I never wanted to let you go. I don’t want to let you go now. I want you back Jared, I love you and I just want you back. I’m sorry, I’m so very sorry. I never should have listened to him, I should have fought harder, tried harder…he’s so…” my voice cuts off.
The room is completely silent. I can’t move and I can’t breathe. Jared is staring at me and his blue eyes are filled with tears, which he doesn’t even bother trying to hide. I open my mouth to finish this, but Jared shakes his head once. My head falls now and lands against his chest, my fingers still gripping his shirt. I’m holding on, desperate for him to believe me, desperate for him to stay, but he pulls my hand fr
om his t-shirt and storms out of the room. As the door slams behind him, I exhale on a rush.
A loud sob escapes me, as though the last bit of air I was holding in, finally pushes its way out. The ache in my chest, which I didn’t think could ever get any worse, suddenly starts to hurt in a way that literally has me doubling over in pain.
I have no idea what to do, whether I should go after him or wait and see if he calms down and comes back. As my sobs start to get harder, I do the only thing I have the energy left to do. I climb back into bed, curl up in a ball, burying my face in Jared’s pillow, and cry, wishing I could somehow magically fix this.
I’d wanted to try back at the Cape, but I didn’t. I’d wanted to try when I saw how happy Luke and Ash were and I’d longed to get back to that with Jared. But it hadn’t happened. We’d barely been alone enough to talk and whenever we were, the tension between us felt tighter than ever, as though it was only a second away from exploding. I don’t know why it had been so different out there, why it felt like we were precariously balancing somewhere between screaming at each other and never talking again or crashing together in a way that meant we’d never be able to part.
But I hadn’t said anything, just like I hadn’t been able to say anything for a year.
Not since he’d shown up and changed everything. Forced me to do something that has caused me nothing but pain since.
And, it still hurts now, more than ever.
Today, 12:55pm – Jared
“You know what Mia,” I say, cutting her off. “Right now, I really don’t give a fuck about Luke.”
I am furious now, absolutely fucking furious, sitting here trying to decide whether I should just walk out of this room and never come back.
“What?” she whispers as though unable to believe what I’ve just said.
I take a deep breath. I don’t really mean that, I’m only saying it because I’m angry, pissed off. But I’m angry enough to repeat it because right now, all I want to do is hurt her. Hurt her like she’s hurt me. Yeah it makes me a prick, but right now, I don’t give a fuck.
