Stubborn Love

by Natalie Ward

  “I said I don’t give a fuck about Luke and what he’s got to do with us. Although I know that you do, because from where I’m sitting, it’s pretty fucking obvious you picked him over me.”

  “Jared, no…” she gets out and I finally look at her. She looks upset, I’ll give her that, but I just don’t know how real any of it is anymore. All I know is she pulled away from me and never told me why, never said what I did wrong or how I could possibly even begin to fix it. And the more I’ve thought about it, the longer I’ve had to deal with it, watch her act as though nothing even happened, as though I didn’t mean anything to her; the angrier I’ve gotten. I thought I was angry five months ago, that I couldn’t possibly get any angrier. But I realise now, I was wrong.

  Very wrong.

  “No?” I ask. “How else would you describe it Mia? I wanted to be with you, I thought you wanted to be with me. You said you did, but you pushed me away.” I stop, take a deep breath before continuing. “You were coming back to Boston, for Luke. Then you weren’t. But you sure as shit weren’t letting me come to Chicago. So I don’t get it Mia, I really don’t fucking get it?”

  “Jared…” she begs, but I don’t want to hear it anymore.

  “No Mia, I need to speak now. You’re telling me it’s all because of Luke, because of what would make him happy? What about me?” I spit out. “What about making me fucking happy?”

  Does she even fucking care, did she ever fucking care? I’m starting to wonder if she did, if she ever felt for me even half of what I feel for her.

  I get up off the bed and walk towards the door, knowing I have to go, that I have to leave, right now. I hear Mia inhale and I know she’s afraid. I am so fucking pissed off right now, that I slam the door shut, stupidly staying in the room, but not looking at her.

  “I never meant to push you away Jared, I really never meant to do that.”

  When I don’t say anything, she goes on. “I only ever wanted to be with you. I loved you, I really did and nothing about that has changed. But something...something happened after that last time you came to visit.”

  I can’t turn around. I can’t bear to look at her anymore.

  “Something I couldn’t let happen, despite how much I wanted it to. Something which made me do what I did, but which I know was wrong…”

  I stop listening to her. I don’t want to hear it anymore and I turn to face her, ready to just ask her to leave, to get the hell out of here and never come back. I can tell she’s trying not to cry, even after all this time, I can still read her. A part of me wants to comfort her, but the bigger, angrier part of me just wants to watch her, let her feel some of the hurt I’ve been feeling for the last twelve months. Yeah I guess I really can be an asshole at times.

  Mia lifts her eyes to mine as she brushes away a tear she can’t stop from falling now. I start to feel a part of me caving in as I watch her do this. I take a deep breath, hardening myself. I will not give in. For too long I have put up with it, not understanding what was really going on and just going along with whatever Mia wanted. I’m tired of doing that, tired of all it. Tired of never fucking knowing what the hell happened.

  “Just say it Mia, just tell me what happened,” I say, exhausted by all of this now.

  Mia doesn’t look away from me. “You wanted to move to Chicago, Jared. You wanted to give up the band, give up everything, for me.”

  She sounds devastated, destroyed, and still, I can’t understand why. It’s driving me crazy and I can feel myself starting to get angry again. Angrier maybe. “Because I was in love with you Mia,” I shout, louder than I should. “Why was that a problem, why was that such a bad thing?”

  She finally looks at me again. “Because of Luke, and…”

  Fuck. Again with her brother, I don’t even hear what she’s saying to me anymore as it all suddenly clicks into place. She gave me up for her brother. She gave up any future we might have had together, because she didn’t want to take away the one her brother had finally gotten. In the end, she took the job, gave her brother everything and me, fucking nothing. The new knowledge literally breaks my heart all over again as I realise his happiness meant more to her than mine.

  Or hers.

  “So basically,” I spit out, needing to make sure she understands I get it now. “You gave up Chicago because you didn’t want to ruin whatever it was that Luke had going here, is that right?”

  Mia’s answer is a whisper. “Yes.”

  I exhale loudly, wondering how this all got so fucked up. In the beginning Mia would always clam up, not say anything when it all got too hard. Never more so than when I tried to talk to her about her dad, or what happened to Luke, or even coming clean to him about us. But I thought we’d gotten past all of that. I thought once we started dating and everyone knew about it, that none of that shit mattered anymore. And I ask that exact question to Mia right now.

  “We had,” she says, as if the answer is simple and obvious.

  But it’s not to me. “So what the fuck happened?” I ask, frustrated all over again.

  “I’m sorry Jared. I know there is nothing I can say or do to make what I did right,” Mia says. “But please know, I am so sorry. Sorry for what I did, but most of all, sorry for hurting you like that.”

  I want to ask why, why she did it then, why she won’t just spit it out, how she could knowingly hurt me like that, why the fuck it all turned to shit, because I still don’t fucking understand.

  But right now, I also don’t trust myself to speak. Mia gets up off the bed and walks towards me, tries to take my hand. And despite everything, just the feel of her, even her simple touch, hurts me. I want to push her away, not give in to her. I just need to know, I need to understand everything.

  “I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness,” she whispers. “But please know, there hasn’t been a single day that’s gone by that I haven’t regretted what I did, that I don’t wish I could go back and change everything.”

  I look up at her and I can see the sorrow in her beautiful blue eyes. Eyes that always get darker when she cries. The last time I saw her cry was when she saw what her dad did to her brother. That was the day I met her and my life changed forever. I have no idea what would have happened if he hadn’t come to our apartment that morning, if he hadn’t somehow found Luke and did what he did. Maybe one day I still would’ve met Mia, but maybe it would’ve all been different. Maybe it was only seeing what their father did that brought us together in the first place.

  I don’t know how things would have been different, but I do know that I would have loved her regardless. Whenever we met, I know I would have loved her. She’s impossible not to love. But it doesn’t stop the anger that’s churning inside me, trying desperately to get out.

  “Yeah,” I spit out, throwing it all back in her face now. “But what you’re really saying is he was more important to you than me, than us?” I know I’m being a dick, but I can’t stop myself. The fact that she chose him over me, over us, hurts. And it hurts even more, because in my mind, there was no choice to even make, that it didn’t have to be this fucking hard at all. I go to walk past, ready to walk out of the room and forget I ever met her. Walk out this room and away from her, our past and everything. I don’t ever want to come back and I don’t ever want to see her again.

  Mia holds out a hand, putting in on my chest and stopping me. “Jared, please.”

  I stop. Of course I fucking stop. Fucking pussy.

  “That’s not it at all, not even close,” she says, her voice raw. “I, I just, I couldn’t bear to take something else away from him. You know what it was like for him growing up, Jared.” Mia grabs my shirt now, as though trying to convince me, trying to hold on to me or something.

  I do know what it was like. I saw the fucking fall out from it myself. Saw what their fucktard father was capable of, first hand. I’m the one who threw him out of the fucking house, who took Luke to the hospital and who sat with him every fucking day he was in there. I’m the o
ne who tried to get him to go to the police, who tried to get him better and who called Mia in the fucking first place. If I hadn’t seen exactly what their fucking father was capable of, I never would have even met Mia.

  I take a deep breath. “Trust me Mia, I know what he went through okay.” My hands are clenched at my sides now. I am so angry, so fucking angry that this is still affecting us. That their fucked up family is still messing with them, years later.

  Mia is talking, but I’m no longer listening. I’m done, I am so done. Her head drops as her tears become sobs. It falls against my chest and a part of my hardened heart wants to crumble. I can’t bear to see her upset, even after everything that has happened. But I don’t move, I do nothing to comfort her.

  Mia’s hand is still griping my shirt, pulling against it, pulling me towards her as though she wants to pull me into her body, her arms. My stupid heart is starting to cave, it’s crumbling and I want to give in, I want to understand her, I want her back.

  But I can’t, I won’t because I am still so fucking angry, so before my stupid heart gives in completely, I pull her hand from my shirt, turn and walk out of the room, slamming the door behind me as I wonder how the fuck I am ever supposed to get over Mia.

  How the fuck I’m ever supposed to stop loving her.

  Today, 1:35pm – Mia

  As I lie on Jared’s bed, my face buried in his pillow crying, all I can smell through my tears is him. I remember after he left Chicago for the last time, the last real time anyway, I didn’t want to wash my sheets for days, just trying to hang on to the smell of him. I’d made him leave me one of his t-shirts, just so I could wear something that smelled like him, feel as if I was going to bed wrapped up in him.

  And right now, despite everything that’s just happened, I feel like I’m right back there again. Breathing in his scent, surrounded by him, but at the same time, not.

  Wondering whether I am ever going to be surrounded by him again.

  I miss him so badly…but I’ve lost him now.

  It’s too late, we are too broken and I can’t have him back.

  And right now, all I can think about, is how the hell do I ever get over him.

  How am I ever supposed to stop loving him?

  Today, 1:35pm – Jared

  I get as far as the kitchen before I realise I am not dressed to leave the apartment. In any case, I know I won’t really leave. That really, I’m all fucking talk about walking out of here and never seeing her again. Because it’s impossible for me to leave her. It’s been my biggest problem all along.

  She might think I left her that day back in Chicago, but nothing could be further from the truth. I thought by giving her space, she’d realise what a huge mistake she was making by pushing me away. I thought she’d come to her senses and let me come back.

  Of course I forgot how goddamn fucking stubborn this girl could be.

  But what she doesn’t realise, is that I can be stubborn too. I didn’t leave her, I’ve never fucking left her. And, deep down, I know more than anything else in the world, I never will, because it’s impossible for me to let her go.

  No matter how hard I try, I just can’t let her go. I cannot walk away from her. Of course I want her back, I’d fucking kill to have her back because I never really gave her up in the first place.

  I never gave her up because I never fucking stopped loving her. Ever.

  “Fuck!” I say, my hands griping my hair and pulling hard.

  My mind is reeling with everything she has told me today. I can’t believe the shit that has gone on, all so fucking simple and so pointless. Although ironically, the very thing that brought us together now seems to be the one thing that broke us apart.

  I should fucking hate Luke right now.

  But I don’t.

  How can I? Not when I’ve seen first hand exactly what he had to go through.

  And really, like I said to her before, that is part of why I fell in love with her in the first place. Because she cares so much for her brother, that she would actually give up her own happiness to protect his. Once again, I should hate Luke because she’s done that, but I don’t. I know he has no idea about any of this, all the things Mia has done for him. I wonder what he’d think if he did know.

  “Fuck!” I say again, not really sure what to do right now.

  I should go back in there, but right now I can’t. I am so fucking angry, I’m actually afraid I’ll say something I might really regret. So I walk to the fridge, open it and grab a beer. As I twist off the cap and drink half of it, something Mia said comes back to me…something happened after that last time you came to visit… and as I remember her words, a question forms.

  She was leaving Chicago for Luke.

  But she never left Chicago.

  She never came back.

  Why the fuck didn’t she come back?

  Today, 1:50pm – Mia

  I have no idea how long Jared has been gone for, whether he’s even still in the apartment or not. I haven’t heard anything and he hasn’t come back into his room. His pillow beneath me is soaked with my tears and still they keep falling. How, after talking to him, after finally coming clean, can I still be fucking this all up?

  My whole body is aching now, my heart lying heavy in my chest, like a dead weight. I’m so tired of carrying all of this shit around, of never being able to tell him about it all. I’m so tired of missing him.

  “Why didn’t you come back to Boston?”

  I lift my head, unable to believe he’s come back into the room. Jared’s standing in the doorway, his hands clenched into fists by his side as he looks at me with nothing but contempt.

  I uncurl myself, forcing my body into a sitting position, silently pleading with him to come back into the room. To sit on the bed with me. To listen.

  He doesn’t move from the doorway, his body rigid with tension. The anger radiating off him is palpable and it makes me terrified. Not because of what Jared might do, but because he might turn around and walk back out, never giving me a chance to finish this story.

  “Will you come and sit down,” I ask. “Please.”

  Jared stands in the doorway for what feels like forever, before he finally walks back into the room and sits on the edge of the bed. It’s not like before, he doesn’t slide under the covers like last time. Now, he sits on the edge of the bed as though he’s about to bolt.

  “Jared…”

  “You were so cold Mia, just pushing me away like that,” he says, cutting me off. I can hear the hurt in his voice and every word stabs me like a tiny dagger, right through my chest. “I mean texting me, what the fuck?”

  I exhale, crossing my legs underneath me as I slide a little bit closer towards him. Jared doesn’t move, but I know he notices. “I know,” I whisper. “It was a really shitty thing to do, I know.”

  “So why did you? Why the fuck didn’t you just talk to me, try explaining it?”

  My fingers are tracing an imaginary pattern on the duvet. I don’t really have an answer for him, except that I was a chicken shit. There’s really no other way to say it. I was a coward and a piece of shit and I ran. I ran and I hid, which is what I have spent my whole life doing when things got too tough to sort out. It’s probably why it hurt so bad when I thought Luke had run, because I always assumed he was the stronger one out of the two of us.

  And it turns out I was right. At least he fought for what he wanted, whether that was getting away from our father, living the life he wanted or even falling in love. Everything he wanted, he fought for, just like I should have done. Like I always should have done.

  “Mia?” he asks again.

  “Because I was scared,” I finally get out, which is the truth.

  I watch as his face softens, some of the anger dissipating as though he’s afraid now. “Scared?” he whispers. “Of me?”

  I’m shaking my head before he even finishes talking. “No, not you, never you Jared,” I say, hoping he believes me. “I was scared of me.”
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br />   I watch as he runs a hand through his hair, the brown strands immediately falling back in his face. It’s so much longer than I ever remember it being and I wonder if he’s growing it. I wonder why I’m even thinking about this.

  “Why?” he asks me.

  I tuck my own hair behind my ears. “I was scared that if I let you in, if I told you why I was doing it, then you’d somehow talk me out of. That I’d give in and have everything I wanted, regardless of what it cost.”

  “I would have found a way to make it work for you Mia,” Jared says, reaching out and tucking my hair behind my ear. I can’t help but flinch at his touch and he misunderstands, tilting his head in response, almost in apology.

  “I don’t know if you could,” I say. “And that’s what scared the shit out of me.”

  “I think what hurt the most Mia,” he says, his voice quiet. “Was how easy it seemed, how easy it seemed for you to throw me away like you did.”

  I open my mouth to talk, to try and explain that it was anything but easy, but Jared holds up his hand, silencing me.

  “It was like I meant nothing to you, as though we and everything we had together, meant nothing to you. And that hurt baby, it really fucking hurt.”

  His words twist like a dagger right through my heart, softened only slightly by the fact that he calls me baby, just like he always used to. I wonder if he even realises he said it.

  “I know Jared, trust me. I really know.” I tell him. “Despite what you think or what you thought it looked like, it hurt me too, really badly.”

  “I just can’t believe it all happened like this,” Jared says. “It just seems so…I don’t know, pointless?”

  “What, us?” I ask, my heart stopping at the thought.

  “No,” he says, shaking his head. “Not us,” Jared waves his hand around the room, as though this will help explain it to me. “This.”