by Natalie Ward
I should ask about Ash, but I have no idea if he even knows the answer to that question. I watch as he shakes his head without even lifting it.
“Are you hurt?” I ask, crouching down in front of him.
“He’s not,” Mia whispers, not looking at me. “It’s Ash’s blood.”
Luke lets out a sob at the mention of her name and I straighten up, knowing he needs to get rid of it. “I’ll be back in a sec,” I say as I turn and walk towards the restroom. Inside, I grab a heap of paper towels, sticking them under the water before heading back to the waiting area. Handing them to Mia, I watch as she gently wipes her brother’s skin, slowly cleaning off Ash’s blood. There’s even more of it on his shirt, a huge stain on the front from where he held her against him. I turn to Pete, who is already pulling off his sweater and handing it to me. He shivers slightly in his t-shirt, smiling as Steve wraps an arm around his shoulders and pulls him closer.
“Mia, here,” I say, handing Pete’s sweater to her.
She lifts off Luke’s bloodied t-shirt and I grab it from her and stuff it in the trash before Luke has a chance to see it. I watch as her hand touches the bandage on his chest, which must cover up the tattoo he got done for Ash today. Luke flinches in response and Mia is immediately calming him, gently pulling on the clean sweater and covering his tattoo. God, whatever it is he had done, I hope it doesn’t end up being a memorial to her.
We sit for what feels like forever. I’m next to Mia but her focus is all on Luke and even though I have no right to feel like this, with every passing minute, I feel like she is slipping away from me again. She hasn’t talked to me since she cleaned up her brother, we’ve barely looked at each other and she hasn’t touched me at all. We are all sitting in silence, none of us knowing what to say, all of us knowing there really isn’t anything we can say.
Eventually a guy in scrubs comes looking for Luke. We all stand and I can see Luke is visibly shaking as the doctor explains what happened. I don’t understand much of it, except that Ash’s heart stopped when they brought her in here, which Luke apparently saw and then she was taken for surgery.
“Is she alive?” he asks, the first words he’s spoken since it all happened.
Fuck I can’t even imagine what this has all been like for him and as I turn to check he is okay, all I see is Mia hugging him, hear the doctor telling Luke that Ash will be okay.
He slumps back into the plastic chair when he’s told he can see her in a little while.
I do the same, wondering what the hell happens next.
The next day, 7:06am – Mia
“We’ll come back in a couple of hours, okay?” I tell Luke, my arms wrapped around his neck. I feel him nod against me. “Let me know if you want us to bring anything.” He nods again and I really want him to speak to me, to actually say something. He hasn’t said a single word since he asked the doctor if Ash was alive.
“Luke?” I ask, pushing him back so he’s forced to look at me. “You okay?”
He nods at me and it’s really starting to freak me out now.
“Say something, please?”
He blinks at me as though he doesn’t understand my question or maybe he’s trying to work out what to say.
“Luke, she’s going to be okay,” I tell him, my hands on his shoulder now. “Ash is going to be okay.”
He clears his throat. “Yeah,” he finally says.
“Are you alright?”
He nods at me again, but it’s not really convincing.
“Really?”
“I just need to see her,” he says. “I just want to see her.”
I pull him into another hug. “Go. Go be with her and we’ll come back later. Let me know if you need anything, okay?”
“Okay,” he says pulling back. “Thank you Mia.”
I smile up at him. “Anytime Luke, you know that.”
We all watch as a nurse takes Luke and they walk off down the corridor. He looks back at us once and I wave at him. Jared is standing beside me, but we aren’t touching and as Luke disappears, I turn to face him. As soon as I do, I see why. It’s written all over his face. He thinks I’m going to do it again. He thinks I’m running, ditching him for my brother, and leaving him all over again. But I’m not. I smile up at him, but he still doesn’t say anything so I reach out and take his hand.
“So see you all back here in a few hours?” Steve asks.
“Yeah,” I say without taking my eyes off Jared.
“Okay, good night.”
“Yep.” I thread my fingers through his and tug him closer now. His face doesn’t change, but he takes a reluctant step towards me. I wrap his arm around my waist, before sliding my own hands around his and resting them under his shirt, against his warm skin. Pressing up on my toes, I put my lips against his.
“Take me home, Jared.”
He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t kiss me back, even when I try a second time. “You’re not staying?” he eventually asks, confused.
“No, I’m going home,” I tell him. “With you.”
Ben and Sarah walk past us, saying goodbye. As they do, I feel Jared’s other hand wrap slowly around my waist and I smile at him.
“You were worried weren’t you?” I ask him.
He just nods.
“Worried this was going to be the start of it all over again?”
Jared nods again.
“That’s not going to happen,” I say, kissing him lightly. “I promise.”
Jared pulls me to him now and kisses me hard on the lips. I melt against him and let him in, let him do whatever he needs to do to believe me. I get why he’d freak out, because running is exactly the type of thing I’d have done in the past, but not anymore.
“Take me home,” I murmur against his lips. “I want to go home.”
Jared takes my hand and we walk out of the hospital and grab a taxi. Ben has already left and taken his van with him and without speaking, we both agree, a taxi is the best option. We don’t talk the entire ride home just sit together, my hand in his and my head on his shoulder. I don’t really know how to process what happened last night, what Luke must be going through, or how the hell Ash is doing. All I know is I want to go home and I want to have a shower and then I want to crawl into bed with Jared and sleep for a day. If last night taught me anything, it’s just how precious all of this is.
It’s strange how Ash’s words to me only two nights ago, can mean so much more now. So much more. And I know I don’t want to waste any more time not being with Jared.
When we reach the apartment, Jared pulls me upstairs and inside. Once inside, I turn to him. “I’m gonna take a shower, come with me.”
He nods again and we walk into the bathroom, pulling our clothes off as we go. Jared leans in and gets the water running and when it’s warm, he pulls me inside with him. We stand under the warm water, our arms wrapped around each other and it takes me a second to realise Jared is shaking, badly.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” I ask, pulling back to look at him.
“Nothing,” he answers, burying his face in my neck again.
I lift his head in my hands; force him to look at me. “Talk to me Jared, what’s wrong?”
I watch as he takes a deep breath, lifting his eyes to mine. “You scared the fuck out of me last night,” he says. “The absolute fuck out of me.”
I don’t understand what he means, how I scared him and I guess the look on my face tells him that, because he continues. “Running towards that guy, with the gun?”
“Oh,” I answer.
“Baby, why did you do that?”
I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know, I wasn’t thinking,” I answer.
“I can’t lose you again, Mia,” Jared says, his voice anguished and what now looks like tears, falling down his face. “I can’t get you back, only to lose you again.”
I smooth back his wet hair, before sliding my hand to his cheek, where I hold it there. Jared’s eyes close briefly, before he opens them ag
ain. His stare is intense and it bores right into me in such a way that I couldn’t look away, even if I wanted to.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I’m so sorry.”
“I can’t lose you again.”
His words wrap around my heart, squeezing it tight and making me realise, again, just how much I hurt him, not only in the past, but even last night. I don’t know why I did what I did, why I ran towards the gun. All I knew was Luke was in danger and I ran to help him. But then I guess that’s part of what this has always been about.
“Jared,” I tell him, my voice firm. “You won’t, you won’t ever lose me, I’m not going anywhere anymore. I promise.”
Jared says nothing, just stares down at me, searching, reading, trying to believe me.
“Kiss me,” he finally says.
And I do. I press up on my toes and put my mouth against his. His hand slides up my back and into my hair, cupping the back of my head and holding me against him. The kiss is slow, but intense. I’m trying to show him how I feel, that I meant what I said yesterday, last night, and today. I want him to believe me, to know that I mean it when I say I am not running this time. I’m never running again.
Eventually he pulls back and both of us are breathing a little harder. He smiles at me and that vice around my heart starts to loosen.
“Turn around.”
I’m about to ask why, when he holds up the soap, indicating he wants to wash me. So I smile back at him and turn, facing the shower door. Jared lifts my arms and hooks my hands over the top of the door and then ever so slowly, he starts to wash to me. Starting with my right hand, he soaps up my skin, a combination of the soap and his lathered fingers, dancing over me. When he reaches my shoulder, I have to bite my lip to stifle a laugh as his fingers move under my arm, tickling me. He repeats the process on my left arm, before both hands leave my body.
When they return, the soap has gone and it’s just his warm soapy fingers that begin to wash me, massage my shoulders and slowly get closer to my breasts. When he finally reaches them, his hands slow down even more, before they leave my body again only to return with more soap as they now move over my stomach and down between my legs. A thousand memories of yesterday flood my brain as his fingers move over me. Although the whole thing is incredibly erotic, it’s less sexual and more about love. It’s as though he is slowly discovering every single part of me, all over again. Discovering me, cleaning me and at the same time, washing away the past.
His hands eventually stop, leaving my body again, only to return as he washes each of my legs, all the way down to my toes and back. When he’s done, he turns me around and pulls me into his arms where he kisses me deeply. I groan as he pushes against me and I feel what this has done to him.
“I love you Mia,” he says between kisses. “I love you so fucking much.”
I smile. “I love you too.”
I return the favour, washing every inch of Jared’s body before we dry off and head to bed. I leave the blinds open, the early morning sun warming the room, as I pull Jared into bed with me. His body covers mine as he kisses my lips and we don’t speak at all, as we kiss each other endlessly.
Afterwards, I lie wrapped in his arms, the warmth of the sun and his skin sending me into a deep, dreamless sleep.
The next day, 11:59am – Jared
I am woken by the most amazing sensation in the world, something I never thought I’d get to feel again. Mia’s fingers running all over my bare skin. God, it feels amazing and I keep my eyes closed, faking sleep, just so she’ll keep doing it for a bit longer. As they drift lightly up over my chest, though, I can’t stop myself and I grab her wrist and pull her on top of me.
“Hey you,” I whisper to her, my eyes slowly opening to find her smiling face looking down at me.
“Hey yourself,” she whispers back; as she leans down to kiss me.
I feel my whole body wake up now as my blood surges. I can’t get enough of her, and my arms tighten around her warm body, my mouth lifting to hers as I drink her in. I haven’t slept that well in forever and I know it’s because she was lying in my arms again. Right now, I can’t ever imagine getting out of this bed and as her fingers move over me, I am hit with an overwhelming urge to prove to her just how much I want her, how much I need her. How much I love her.
Last night scared the shit out of me. The guy with the gun, what happened with Ash, Mia running to be with Luke. All of that was bad enough, fucking awful, but mostly, it scared the shit out of me because I thought I was going to lose her again, and there was nothing I could do about it. And I cannot go through that again.
I roll us over so Mia is lying beneath me now, sliding my hand down her body and hitching her leg over my hip. She gently tugs on my lower lip, her fingers digging into my back as I move so I can slide inside her.
“Jared,” she groans and it sounds so fucking sexy, I have to stop for a second so I don’t completely lose it.
“Baby,” I whisper against her lips. “I love you.”
She groans again and I kiss her hard, as my hips slowly start to move, gently pushing inside of her as she wraps her other leg around me now. My hands brush her hair back, cupping her face as I kiss her over and over again, telling her how much I love her every time.
“Should we head over to the hospital?” I ask later, my fingers running through Mia’s hair as she lies on my chest.
“Mmmmm,” she says, wrapping her arms around me.
“You don’t want to?”
Mia lifts her head and looks at me, a smile on her face. “I want to stay right here with you,” she says. “But you’re right, we should head over there.”
“Text Luke and see what they need us to bring, and I’ll go make us some coffee,” I say, sliding out of bed.
“Hey,” Mia says as I get up and pull on a pair of sweats.
“What?”
She crooks her finger at me, beckoning me back to her. I smile as I walk over, bending over her body so my hands are resting on either side of her. Mia leans up and presses her lips against mine.
“I love you,” she says.
I laugh, my heart pounding in my chest. “And I am never going to get tired of hearing you say that.”
After coffee, a quick shower and getting some things together for Luke and Ash, we head towards the T station. I walk with my arm wrapped around Mia’s shoulders, just like I used to. It all feels completely normal, as though this past year has never happened, but at the same time, so brand new. I love it, really love it. But at the same time, I know, despite everything that was said yesterday, there is still a big fucking elephant following us around, a big fucking elephant that’s reminding us there are things we really need to discuss.
“Mia,” I say, pulling her against me.
“Mmmm?”
“What’s going to happen about Chicago, baby?” She tenses under my arm and her hand, which is wrapped around my waist, grips my hip tighter, sending a spike right through my heart.
“What do you mean?”
I look down at her, but she is staring straight ahead. “I mean, are you going to let me come and live with you this time?” I ask, my fingers squeezing her shoulder.
“What about last night?” Mia asks, glancing at me quickly. “The people that came to watch you guys, aren’t you going to do it? I mean it’s recording an album, Jared, it’s an amazing opportunity.”
I exhale loudly. Of course it is and if it pans out, of course I want to do it. But I want her more, I always have. “It is,” I say quietly.
“So you should do it then Jared. You can’t not do this.”
I turn to look at her again and she’s looking up at me now, a hopeful smile on her face. “So what, we’re going to try the whole long distance thing then?” I ask, not exactly thrilled with that idea because it’s too easy for things to stay hidden. I can’t help but wonder if we’ve spent more of our relationship either sneaking around or doing long distance, than we’ve actually spent together.
“Well,” she eventually answers. “I was actually thinking the long distance thing was a bad idea.”
My heart is pounding now, unsure about exactly what she’s saying. I want to believe it, but I’m too scared to, so I say nothing, waiting for her to continue.
“And I was thinking instead,” she continues. “That maybe I could come with you?”
“What do you mean, come with me?” I ask, my heart literally beating its way out of my chest right now.
“Jared,” she says, forcing us to stop walking as she turns and faces me, wrapping both of her arms around my waist. “What I mean is, that I want to come with you if you go to LA. I want to be with you when you do this, not in Chicago, without you.”
“And what if we don’t do this album thing in LA?” I ask, wondering if I’m on the verge of having a fucking heart attack right now. “Then what?”
Mia smiles up at me, not saying anything. Fuck, I love it and I hate it when she does this. It usually means it’s going to be an answer I like, but she drags it out, making me wait in way that’s probably similar to being fucking tortured.
“Mia?”
“You will do this album in LA, Jared, it’s definitely gonna happen,” she says, her eyes firmly on mine. “But if for some reason it doesn’t, well then I was wondering, if maybe I could move back in with you, here, in Boston.”
“But what about your dad?” I ask, wondering how he’s going to react to her leaving Chicago this time.
“Jared,” she says, tightening her arms. “I don’t give a fuck what my dad thinks anymore. And if you’re sure you’re willing to take on all of the shit that comes with being with me, then I am all in. But are you up for the challenge Jared, really?”
I know what I should be saying. Anytime, anywhere. And it’s true, I am, but this time, I don’t even bother answering her, I just tighten my arms around her, pick her up and press my mouth hard against hers. My heart has either completely stopped beating now or else, it has left my body entirely, I can’t really tell and to be honest, I don’t fucking care. I am too busy kissing Mia and thanking whatever fucking law of the universe it was that has finally given her back to me.
