The first one: for Finn and me.
The second one: for my disgraceful soul.
The third: for my rapidly unraveling sanity.
The cold panic has leveled somewhat, but it has only morphed into dread and foreboding apprehension.
I watch Finn and Ricky standing in line. Ricky whispers to Finn. I know they’re talking about me since my ears are ringing and burning. How is it that obvious something is bothering me?
I have got to hide it better.
Before I am able to look away, Finn glances over his shoulder and his dark eyes ensnare me. Dang it. He turns and whispers something back to Ricky. Are they discussing my recent revelation? How can they even know what I was thinking?
I nervously glimpse around me to all the people having just received communion or are still waiting. I feel like I have a beacon on top of my head, pointing down at me, telling everyone that I don’t belong here and that I’m ungodly.
From behind my clasped hands, I stealthy flick my eyes to my two escorts. Ricky is receiving communion, while Finn waits for his turn. I bite my lip and look away. I can’t watch him because it’ll remind me again of how much better he is than me.
Closing my eyes, I bury my face into my hands. I’m not supposed to feel like this. It’s a church, an Easter service that was uplifting me. Now, I feel like I don’t belong here and I was unceremoniously cast back down to Hell.
Hazily, I notice Ricky stepping behind me and over my legs. He kneels beside me and angles his head to me, whispering, “What’s up with you, Hadley? If you don’t want to talk to Finn, talk to me.” I can smell the holy wine on his breath.
I shake my head. He sighs and I hold my breath so I don’t have to smell the pungent souvenir of his redeemable soul.
Ricky glances up when Finn returns to our pew. Kneeling down, he instantly puts his arm around me, clasping my hand on top of the pew. Leaning close, he kisses my temple and I again hold my breath. How am I ever going to be able to kiss his lips again after we leave here? Will his kisses forever be a reminder of how irredeemable I am?
Why hadn’t I thought of this before? I can’t believe how naïve and unenlightened I was about Finn’s religion and how much his faith is ingrained in him. He attends Mass every week. He receives communion every week. How could I have been so stupid to think that I’m even worthy of his love?
I have faith. I honestly do. I believe in God, but has He turned his back on me since I’m not baptized? Does He still love me as I love Him?
I’m not good enough for Finn Wilder, how can I be good enough for God?
What do I do now?
We once again stand and Ricky flips the kneeling bench back up. Father McGinty says a few more things and we pray…again.
Since we’re in the back, we’re the first ones to leave after Father McGinty and Co. exits. Ricky leads us out and I concentrate on following him, while holding onto Finn’s hand behind me. We cut through the crowd, down the cement steps and to the sidewalk. Ricky stops off to the side so everyone else can pass us. Holding out his hand, Ricky skillfully catches my car key Finn tosses to him, as if they just read each other’s minds. I wouldn’t doubt that.
“We’ll be there in a few,” Finn tells Ricky, who coolly shrugs and strides to my car.
“Let’s walk,” Finn says, pulling me close.
“Why now?” I ask, really wanting to sit in the car with Ricky. Shit. He’ll interrogate me, too. The trunk it is then.
Finn doesn’t answer me as he steers us away from the boisterous crowd. “What did you think of the service?” he asks, playing with my fingers before he interweaves them with mine.
“It was nice.” It was a nice reminder of how I don’t belong anywhere: Finn’s public life, Finn’s private life. My own life doesn’t even like me much.
“Then, what’s bothering—”
“Finn!” We immediately stop walking and turn in the direction of the shrill voice.
Finn groans, “Damn it. She wasn’t going to be here tonight.” A blonde woman wearing a pink dress approaches us, and Finn presses our palms crushingly together. He sharply takes in a deep breath before plastering a stiff, fake smile on his face, always the crowd pleaser.
“Finn! I thought that was you!” She trots to us as fast as her tall, beige heels allow her to. I let go of Finn’s hand, but he quickly takes it back with a steel grip. He gives me a hard, yet pleading look, while his jaw muscles twitch like he’s crunching ice with his teeth.
The woman hugs Finn as he looks away from me, but grips my hand tightly. She resembles Julie. “My dear boy! I haven’t seen you in five years!”
“Hi, Aunt Reggie,” Finn mutters, patting her on the back and hugging her awkwardly. Holding onto his shoulders, Reggie steps back and assesses his appearance. “My handsome Finn is back!” she exclaims tearfully. “You are even more good-looking than the last time I saw you! Why is that?” Because Finn Wilder only gets better with age, which only makes me look like a hag next to him.
“Um, I have no idea.” His eyes dart around as he scratches the back of his head. Now he actually looks embarrassed, not something I ever have witnessed before.
Her attention abruptly switches to me. “I see why you look different.” Her eyes twinkle and she turns back to Finn. “My sweet little Finn Robert is in love!” Dropping his hand, Finn glances at me with a crooked smile.
Reggie lets go of Finn’s shoulders as her eyes float all over me. “You must be Hadley. Jules talks about you all the time. She absolutely adores you.” She offers me her hand. “I’m Regina, Julie’s sister. Call me Reggie.” I smile and shake her hand as her gaze alternates several times between Finn and me. “You’ve been together, what two years?”
“Three,” I answer her.
“Three?” She repeats disapprovingly and nearly glares at Finn. “That long? So, Finn Robert, when are you going to propose to this beautiful woman?” I automatically look at him, instantly wishing I hadn’t. His eyes widen before he runs his free hand over his open mouth. Oh, shit. She has pissed him off. In front of a church. How did he shift from first to fourth gear so fast? I suppose now would be a good time to pray that he doesn’t go off in front of all these God-fearing witnesses, with a cop in the backseat of my car, nonetheless.
Reggie continues to sign her death warrant. “Your mother wants you to marry Hadley. She’s worried that she’ll get tired of waiting for you or that someone else will snatch her up from you!”
Finn’s earlier words come back to me, ‘I need you to be on my side.’ I am on his side and right now, he needs me.
Putting my arms around Finn, I hug his side and he drops his hand from his mouth to hold me close to him. I say to Reggie, “We don’t have to get married for us to be together.” Reggie raises her eyebrows as I feel the shock from my statement gripping Finn’s body.
Reggie shakes her head, pityingly, and says, “Oh, honey. Don’t tell him that! Now he’ll never propose to you!”
I nonchalantly shrug and lie through my teeth. “That’s okay. I’ve accepted it. I don’t need to marry him to know he loves me. Nor do we need to get married to spend our lives together.” Finn hastily rubs my back and subtly blows out a breath, remnants of wine flooding my face. I try not to cringe because his aunt is watching me as if she’s trying to solve one of those 3-D jigsaw puzzles without the goofy glasses.
“I think you’ve just blown your chances,” she informs me sadly.
I can feel the hot irritation radiating from Finn when he snaps, “Aunt Reggie, let me worry about our chances.” He hugs me into his side and clears his throat. “We need to get going. It was nice seeing you,” he says obligatorily, even though I know it wasn’t nice seeing her.
“Yes, it was,” she replies, the tears returning. She gives Finn another hug and smiles at him and then at me. “It was nice meeting you, Hadley. I hope to see you again soon.”
I nod. “Same here.” Not really. She just made me realize how stupid I’ve been.
&n
bsp; Finn leads me down the sidewalk, away from other potential interruptions, when I stop him to say, “We really do need to get going. Ricky’s waiting for us in the car.”
He frowns and concentrates his eyes on mine. “Becks, we need to talk. What happened in there?”
I try playing dumb. “What do you mean?”
“You were freaking out for some reason. Why?” He swings his head, peering around the parking lot and he licks his lips anxiously. “Did you not like the long service? Maybe the readings? Was it Ricky?” His eyes widen ever so slightly. “Me?”
I shake my head and look down to his black shoes—nice but nothing like any of Rod’s ridiculously expensive pairs. “No. It’s none of those.”
He puts his hands on my shoulders and stoops, trying to catch my eyes with his. “Then what, baby? I thought you wanted to come.”
I nod, but don’t avert my eyes to look at him. “I did. Thank you for bringing me.”
“Becks, talk to me.”
“Finn…”
He sighs and straightens, but leaves his hands on my shoulders. “Do you still want to go out to Bethany’s?”
I shake my head. “No. It’s an hour drive and I don’t really want to socialize with her neighbors tonight.” I finally sweep my eyes up to his face. “What did you want to do?”
His eyebrows pull together as he studies me. Finn doesn’t say anything and I begin to wonder if he’s even going to. With a heavy sigh, he finally blinks and his gaze slides above my head. “We’ll go back to my mom’s. We can watch a movie with Ricky, if you want. Simone might be there, so we can hang out with her, too.” His eyes drop to my face. “We’ll figure something out.”
I manage a smile. “Okay.”
As we walk to the car, Finn puts his arm around my shoulders. He quietly asks, “Will you talk to me? I know there’s something bothering you, baby. I want to know if there’s anything I can do or if it’s something I did.”
I reply just as quietly, “You didn’t do anything.”
Reaching my car, he props his hand on top of the door and leans closer to me. “Becks, you can talk to me. I know there’s something going on. I’ll leave you alone about it for now, but I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything.” He sighs and drags his hand through his hair. Nodding at the church, he observes, “Something happened in there. What?”
I stare into the window to the passenger seat, anywhere to avoid the sad look he’s giving me. “I don’t know if I can talk about it.”
His voice falls. “Even with me?”
I hesitate before giving him an answer that will most likely hurt his feelings, but I have to offer him one truth since I’ll be lying about the rest. “Especially with you.”
I glance up at him as he closes his eyes. “Is it about what I think it’s about?”
Is that what he’s worried about? That I was having some kind of meltdown because we were in a church together? Well, I guess I did, but mostly not for the reason he thinks.
Deciding to put him out of his misery, I say, “No.”
His eyes fly open in surprise. “No?”
Crossing my arms, I blankly stare at the roof of my car. I have to fib, yet somehow tell the truth at the same time. “No. And, in case you’re wondering, what I told your aunt is the truth. I give up on it.”
Finn is strangely astonished by my admission. “You what?”
I feel like crying, but I’m so emotionally drained that the tears just aren’t there. “I said I give up.”
I hear his loud swallow as I study the rain spots on the shiny, black metal. He asks, “So, you don’t want to marry me anymore?” Wow. That’s probably the closest thing to a proposal I’m ever going to hear from him. I swallow to not only open my throat, but to engulf the last bit of hope I held onto of Finn ever asking me to marry him. All that is left is maybe me gaining enough courage to ask him myself, and praying that he actually accepts my proposal. I’m not ready for that, and from the way I’m feeling after my recent religious experience, I may never be. I’m not even worthy enough to marry him.
I tuck my hair behind my ears and take a deep breath. I need to try to answer him truthfully and to make my heart follow through. “No.” I hear him gasp and I swiftly look at him, forgetting my current melancholy. “What?”
He falters with words and I cut him off before he can make a snide remark. “Aren’t you relieved? I’m sure this is like the weight of the world being lifted from your shoulders.” He still doesn’t respond. The dejected expression on his face is unexpected. I thought he’d be smiling and pumping his fist into the air, but he isn’t.
He actually looks…hurt.
What the hell?
In a sadistic sort of way, I’m glad.
I pull up on my door handle and he steps back without a fight. When I sit down and shut the door, Finn is still standing beside the car. As I twist to buckle my seatbelt, Ricky leans forward in between the front seats. “What’s Wilder’s problem?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why are you both upset now?”
I sigh and glance out the window to where Finn is standing, a hand on a hip, the other in his hair. “It’s complicated.”
“Yeah, I know. Believe me. I know.”
Watching Finn, I distractedly ask, “Why is he still standing out there?”
Ricky heaves a heavy breath. “What did Wilder say to you?”
“I think it’s what I said to him.”
“And what’s that?”
I shrug my left shoulder and mumble, “I told him that I don’t want to marry him.”
Ricky draws a sharp breath. “What the hell, Hadley?” he shouts, surprising us both, I think. I shift to look at him and he leans closer, lowering his voice this time. “Why in the fuck did you tell him that?”
Turning back to the window, I observe Finn walking to the sidewalk. Where’s he going?
“Why, Hadley?” Ricky presses.
“So he can live without that pressure. I told him I give up on it.”
“What happened to the deliriously happy couple I loathed?”
I stare down at my lap and aimlessly pick at the material of my skirt. “I don’t know, Ricky. You tell me. Why is he acting like this? I thought he’d be happy about it,” I perplexedly mutter. “Maybe he thought I’d harp on him for the rest of his life, so now he doesn’t know what to do.”
“No, that’s not it,” Ricky states confidently.
I turn and exasperatedly question him. “Then what? Why won’t you tell me?”
He gives me a dirty look. “Don’t start that shit again.” He harshly sighs and grumbles, “Stay here.” He slides across the seat and gets out of the car, walking over to Finn. Putting his hand on his shoulder, he steers him further away from me.
What is Finn’s problem now? I thought he’d be ecstatic that I’ll finally drop the subject. I suppose I won’t be dropping it entirely since I still want to propose to him. I have to be crazy.
I lean my head back on the headrest and close my eyes.
I feel like I’m failing no matter what I do or say. Now it seems like he’s upset because he’s the one being rejected now.
Shit. Join the club.
CHAPTER 14
FINN
“What did you think of the service?” I ask Becks as I move my arm from her shoulders and reach for her hand, longing to have more of her touch.
She mumbles, “It was nice.” There’s more to that.
“Then, what is bothering—”
“Finn!” a familiar voice shrieks from behind us and we abruptly stop. Closing my eyes and cursing myself for coming to this church, I reluctantly turn us to see my aunt overexcitedly waving at me.
I lowly mutter to Becks, “Damn it. She wasn’t going to be here tonight.” My mother’s sister, Reggie, teeters over to us. Why do women wear such ridiculous heels if they can’t even walk in them? I’ve never seen Becks have a problem walking in her heels. Although, when she wears heels, I don
’t pay much attention to how she’s walking, only at how hot her legs look.
Aunt Reggie. This woman has always been up my ass about me having a girlfriend. Why? Hell if I know. When I was in high school, all she wanted to hear about was who I was dating, how many girlfriends I had, if I was the prom king, or if any girls wore my spare baseball jersey at my games. What was the big deal about all that shit? I wasn’t into dating in high school. I didn’t even kiss a girl there until my junior year. Yeah, I had crushes occasionally and went out a few times on double dates with my friend, Pete, but they weren’t a big deal. Instead of playing the field, I concentrated on actually playing the field by focusing solely on baseball and then soccer during the summer. I briefly thought about trying to play one of them professionally, but I wasn’t that good. My baseball coach, who was also my English teacher, said seeing as I was an A student in English, was “compelling,” and loved sports, I’d be great at sportscasting. Therefore, he was the one who pointed me in the direction of going into journalism. Since I didn’t meet anyone who was available and I wanted to date exclusively, I was not particularly interested in dating the girls at my school; however, my senior year, on a dare, I lost my virginity at a party to Lila, who I considered only a friend. I liked her, but not in the way everyone described as being in love. I didn’t sleep with another woman until I was in college, but I still didn’t feel that one, electrifying jolt until I was 30 years old and I looked into Hadley Beckett’s green eyes for the first time.
I take a deep breath and force a smile onto face, which isn’t as easy as it looks.
“Finn! I thought that was you!” Becks lets go of my hand, but I automatically reach for it, holding it firmly in mine. Don’t you dare bail on me, Becks! I determinedly beg her with a desperate look to stay with me. Her beautiful lips curve into a little smile and she holds my hand securely with hers, calming me down.
Aunt Reggie hugs me, overwhelming me with whatever shitty perfume she took a bath in. “My dear boy! I haven’t seen you in five years!” It hasn’t been that long, Aunt Reggie. Does no one in my family grasp the concept of time? I last saw her the Christmas before I met Becks, so it’s been almost three and a half years.
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