Leaning against me, he whispers back, “The best.”
“Oh.” I guess he would have the inside track on where the best seats are in this house.
Finn asks, “Did you ever want to be stuck in the front row of a class?” I shake my head and he says, “Exactly.”
I look at Ricky, who is casually slicing his candle’s flame with his finger. That move doesn’t shock me in the slightest. Ricky is another daredevil. He just doesn’t advertise it like his other half.
People begin to spill into our pew and Finn steps closer to me, which also forces me to move closer to Ricky. Finn’s arm goes around me with his hand resting on my hip. Ricky stops playing with his flame and bumps my arm. When I give him a questioning look, he mockingly frowns at me. Stooping to my ear, he says, “When we sit down, don’t be trying to sit on my lap just so you can see. I think I saw booster chairs in the back.” I lightly shove his arm and he chuckles.
Finn whispers, “What’s going on? Is he bothering you?”
I smile up to his face and try not to stare at his delicious lips. “Yes.”
Finn looks over my head to jokingly glare at Ricky and I have to hide a loud giggle.
“What?” Ricky asks in genuine puzzlement, making me bite my lip and close my eyes so that I don’t burst out laughing.
Beautiful singing fills the church, but, unfortunately, I don’t know any of the words. I look to both of my male bookends, but they aren’t singing either. On the right side of me, Ricky stares at his candle, still fascinated by fire, I think. I had better not enlighten him about the invention of the wheel. That might be too much for him to comprehend.
To my left, Finn stares blankly ahead, but occasionally moves his fingers against mine, showing some sign of life.
After standing for a marked period of time, we sit and the readings begin. I wonder if Finn ever reads in front of everyone when he goes to Mass.
I cross my legs towards Finn so that I’m not accidentally brushing my leg against Ricky’s. That would be awkward, most likely more for me than for him. Pressed up against Ricky, I give him an apologetic smile. He puts his arm around me, squeezes me to his side and grins before letting me go, then propping his arm behind me on the bench. Cocky could also be Ricky Tesco’s middle name, for a multitude of reasons.
I glance at Finn who is peering around the church with an astonishingly peaceful look on his face.
My eyes drift to the stained-glass windows on both sides of us, practically ensconcing the walls with biblical scenes that are absolutely stunning. The blue, green, red, orange, and yellow ensnare the candlelight and shine magnificently. Other than staring into Finn’s eyes, this is the most extraordinary sight I have ever seen in my entire life.
From the rafters hang gigantic, circular, silver chandeliers that have large, pale yellow candles, made to look like real ones, interspersed on the curved metal.
This church is gorgeous and is a part of Finn. He used to sit in these pews as a little boy, a teenager, and now as a man. I feel so honored that he’s sharing this part of himself with me because I thought he never would. I only wish I had something like this to share with him in return. I have nothing that is remotely close to this. When I live with Finn, will he take me to Mass with him every week? I’d like that. I want him to share more of his life with me.
Finn reaches over my lap and picks up my hand, sliding his fingers until they’re snugly locked with mine. I look up at him and he smiles wistfully. He shifts and his leg bumps mine since we’re cramped. I move my leg away so I’m not crowding him as much, but he abruptly moves our clasped hands and uses his fingers to pull my leg back to where it was against his. It’s not at all a suggestive move, yet a tender one punctuated by his thumb sliding lovingly back and forth on top of my thigh. My heart feels like soaring out of my chest and up to the high rafters from his small, affectionate gestures. It makes me feel…adored. It’s almost as if he’s decided he wants all of me for comfort, not just for one thing.
I smile gloriously from… I’m not even sure what from. Maybe it’s a combination of the service and the love I feel rushing through me caused by his seemingly inconsequential actions. To anyone else they may be seen that way, but to me, they’re immense.
I tighten my fingers with his and he squeezes back, compelling my soul to sing louder than the whole congregation is. Tears even begin to sting my eyes from the amazing sensations filling my heart, mind and soul. I was anxious before the service, now I feel tranquil, joyful even.
I must be crazy or hormonal.
Probably both.
After blinking the looming tears away, I curiously glance at Finn, who is absently staring at the floor and twirling his lit candle indiscernibly between his thumb and index finger. I doubt he even knows how exultant he has made me feel. I wonder how he feels right now. Is he having a spiritually divine experience like me? Probably not since this isn’t his first time at an Easter Mass. I’m such a novice.
Ricky nudges me, causing me to jump slightly. For the second time today, Jackass Be Nimble and a cricket with suicidal tendencies invade my mind. Ricky’s gaze falls to my lap, where Finn’s hand securely holds onto mine. He raises an inquisitive eyebrow and I counter his with a tenacious one of my own, followed by a light elbow jab to his arm. Knowing he’s satisfied that his sidekick seems content, Ricky flashes a bright grin and playfully rolls his eyes at my razzing.
Everyone stands again—I’m assuming for a prayer. Prior to it beginning, Finn’s candle wildly flickers and then inexplicably popping. We watch the candle as embers tumble onto the white, paper disk surrounding it, before speedily burning out. Immediately looking at each other, we quietly chuckle in amusement.
After the prayer, we all sit back down. Finn puts our hands on his lap this time and I whisper into his ear, “You’ve always been amazing at creating mad sparks in my life.”
He smirks at me as I lean away from him, grinning and biting my lip to keep myself from giggling, possibly bringing the Vigil to a halt and being scolded by the priest.
When it’s time to blow out our candles, we do so and then tuck them into the book slots in front of us so they can cool down since burning down a church on Easter would be both tragic and bad luck.
Finn’s hand is still firmly in mine when we all stand for another song. I watch the people around us singing, except for Finn and Ricky, who continue their boycott on singing. If Rod were here, he’d no doubt be singing the wrong words loudly, and most likely, really inappropriate words to boot, not caring even if God himself threw a lightning bolt at him.
We sit and stand for prayers a number of times prior to the people being baptized are called to the altar steps. There are three of them, one man and two women. Next, two women being confirmed are called to the altar. They all face us, some of them looking nervous. They are all then instructed to kneel before the altar.
Father McGinty, who I’ve come to learn is the priest’s name from a church bulletin, announces, “Let us kneel.” Finn and Ricky move their legs, I follow suit, and they bend to flip over a wooden thing with padding on top that is connected to the bottom of the pew in front of us. Finn and Ricky kneel, but I’m not sure what to do. I’m an outsider. Do I participate in kneeling or would that be blasphemous? I don’t want to overstep and be banned from ever entering a Catholic church again.
Finn looks at me sitting frozen on the bench, and gently pulls my hand, nodding his head to the side, indicating for me to join him.
Hesitant, I sweep my hand behind me so that my dress isn’t left on the pew, causing yet another embarrassment, and I kneel in between Finn and Ricky. Finn puts his arm around my back and scoots closer so that I’m firmly against him, idly stroking my forearm with his fingers. The smile on my face is jubilant. Oddly, this is the closest I’ve ever felt to him.
From my peripheral, I can see Ricky scrutinizing me. I lean my head closer to him and whisper, “What?” I smell his woodsy cologne and it instantly reminds me of the one I gave t
o Finn. My two bodyguards are outdoorsy to the core.
He shakes his head and smiles. What is on Ricky Tesco’s mind? As with Rod’s, it’s probably better off that I don’t know.
I watch as the three people walk to a large, marble-looking, stand that opens into a big bowl at the top. The first woman leans over as Father McGinty uses a ladle to pour water three times on the top of her head. He says, “In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.”
I’ve never been baptized. My parents weren’t much into any religion. My mother is Jewish, but never practiced and my father grew up Episcopalian. Jared and I were mutts, I guess, never belonging to a community like this. It would’ve been nice to belong somewhere, to have had a place to go when I needed guidance or just to pray in God’s house. Adam Beckett is an excellent dad, but he worked all the time. He left us with his parents while he worked 12-hour shifts as a Boeing structural engineer. We hardly ever saw him. Jared and I mostly lived at our grandparents’ house, even having our own bedrooms there. Often, we stayed with them for weeks on end. My dad tried the best he could with the cards he was dealt when my mother left him with two young kids. I don’t know how he did it, or how he would’ve done it without his parents’ help. Although he wouldn’t have, he could’ve just left us, too.
I don’t talk about my mother much with Finn. I told him what happened to her when he asked where she was. Surprisingly, he was quiet when I told him, not having a response to my admission. He only stared at me with an odd look etched onto his face. I can’t change anything about the past or how she felt about being stuck with us. I didn’t ask him what he thought because I honestly didn’t need to know if he pitied me, wanted to laugh, or if he even felt indifferent about it all. I’m not even sure which one of those would hurt the most.
After the three people are baptized and more prayers are said, Father McGinty has us stand again and invites everyone to renew their own baptismal promises. He asks the congregation three questions and the entire room, including Finn and Ricky, reply.
Answering the first question with his deep voice, Finn quietly utters, “I do.”
That is not how I expected him to respond and I’m taken aback. I never thought he’d ever utter those two words in a church. Shivers tingle along my spine, while a heaviness weighs in my heart.
Father McGinty asks another question and once again, everyone responds with, “I do.”
This is killing me.
He then asks a third question. I close my eyes and wince, waiting for the punch to my stomach. “I do,” everyone responds a third time. This goes on three more times. Tears blur my eyes and I stare down to the bench in front of us. This feels like a mean joke, although, I know it isn’t. It’s just me.
Father McGinty picks up a metal wand-looking thing and walks around the pews, sprinkling the parishioners with water. Once sprinkled, the reaffirmed, baptized faithful make the sign of the cross. He ambles his way over to us. I bow my head and feel the water droplets lightly peppering my head and I try to soak in as much of the blessings I can. Finn lets go of my hand and he and Ricky cross themselves. I truly wish I belonged instead of feeling so spiritually alone and left out in the cold. Finn grabs my hand again, fitting our fingers together like it’s the most natural thing in the world.
I wonder how Finn feels about me not being baptized. That’s something else we’ve never talked about. Is there another reason he doesn’t bring me to church with him, besides not wanting people to know he’s dating me? Maybe he already knows I’m not baptized; therefore, considered an infidel. A heathen. Could that be it? Is he ashamed of me and I had not considered that as the real reason? I pray he doesn’t think of me that way.
He wouldn’t, would he?
If I could change things, I would. But, how? How does one join a church? I’ve heard becoming a member of the Catholic Church isn’t easy. Can’t I just sign a paper? Say a pledge? Is there an initiation? Do I even tell Finn that I’m considering it? Or, do I go off and find my own church? Would he laugh at me like that girl he laughed at in high school? I had never even thought of Finn being like that. He could very well be laughing at me now of how ugly I am on the inside.
Suddenly, applause fills the room. Finn releases my hand and claps for the people on the altar, and I bring myself to do the same. Even Ricky applauds them. Looking to the newly baptized, they appear to be joyous. Do they now feel like they belong?
Finn reclaims my hand and squeezes it. I glance over at him. His dark eyes search mine. Can he read my mind and my inner turmoil? Does he see how impure my soul is?
I give him a weak smile and return my attention to the people at the altar; though, I can feel his eyes boring into me. I can never tell him how I feel. It’s humiliating and I feel so dirty, unworthy of his love now since I’ve seen this side of his life. How could I have been so stupid? I’m not even close to being in his league. I’ve been demanding more from him when he should be demanding more from me, but am I even worth it? I’ve been begging him to change his mind about marriage and having a baby, but here I am, so…beneath him. He even got a tattoo with my name on it. It’s as if my worthlessness is pervading him like a disease.
My soul is unclean and unholy. I’m unfit to even be in his presence.
I feel an icy, cold panic setting in. It’s gripping my heart and lungs like a vice, enveloping my body and soul; spreading through me as if it’s liquid lightning, igniting my deepest and most gaping insecurity of all:
I don’t deserve Finn Wilder.
With the hand not holding Finn’s, I grip the pew in front of me and glare at the dark brown wood. Finn moves his mouth to my ear, “What’s wrong?” I don’t avert my eyes from the bench as I shake my head. He straightens and I vaguely see him looking over me, either giving Ricky a look or mouthing something to him.
More prayers are said and the six members then receive oil on their foreheads in the sign of the cross. Then each are given a taper candle in which they light from the Paschal Candle. Outside, bells loudly ring. We all stand and sing, well, everyone else does. Always the observant cop, Ricky watches everyone else and Finn watches me.
As the altar is being prepared, it dawns on me that the most humiliating part is yet to come:
Communion.
We come to a point where Finn and Ricky once again get down on their knees. Finn tugs my hand and I quickly kneel beside him. I watch Father McGinty pouring wine and blessing the wafers. I’ve been to church a few times with my grandparents, but they didn’t go often either, or at least, they didn’t go when Jared and I were staying with them.
“Are you okay?” Finn whispers in my ear. I nod, but keep my eyes glued to the woman’s back in front of me. Finn pulls my hand to his mouth, furtively kissing my hand, brushing his lips over my ring. He leaves my hand against his mouth as we watch Father McGinty bless the communion.
We stand and the congregation replies to what Father McGinty says to us. I’m so lost: in the service and in life in general. He could be giving a weather report for all I know. He then offers us peace and instructs us to give the sign of peace to those around us.
What?
How am I supposed to know what to do?
People around us shake hands.
Oh.
Others hug.
Ricky grabs my hand, yanking me to his chest, crushing me. “Peace, Hadley,” he says with too much humor in his voice.
I wheeze and huff a breathless laugh. “Let go of me.”
Finn’s hand wraps around the back of my arm and he pulls me out of Ricky’s embrace, saving me from an imminent suffocation. He folds me into his arms and gives me a hug. Oh, how I love these arms.
This is my home.
“What’s wrong?” he whispers down to me.
I shake my head, scraping his chest. “Nothing.” His body stiffens.
I don’t think he believes me.
Since he’s right-handed, Finn moves his arm from around my waist to shake a few offered hands. R
icky shakes hands with people behind us. The woman in front of me offers me her hand, as well as a smile, and I return them both.
Kneeling once more, we watch everyone on the altar take communion, this includes all the new members for the first time participating.
I’m now officially the only one in this church who won’t be partaking in it.
Ricky nudges my arm and I look up to his face. He bends his head to my ear. “What’s going on?”
“What?” I whisper back.
“There’s something bothering you.”
“No.”
“You’re not supposed to lie in church.” I choose to ignore that comment. He sighs and adds, “Your boyfriend is worried about you.”
I lean into Ricky so that Finn, or anyone else around us, can’t hear. “How does he know anything is wrong with me?”
He frowns at me before asking, “Is that a real question?”
Tilting away from Ricky, Finn is unexpectedly in my other ear. “Becks, you will talk to me.”
My cheek brushes against his stubble at his close proximity. “It’s nothing, Sparks.”
He leans back, eyeing me strangely. I look back to the altar, while Finn is in my ear again. “Sparks?”
I nod, but don’t elaborate. The flaming wick spitting fire reminded me of the feelings he kindled in my heart when we first met. Finn is like a roaring wildfire that has engulfed my life, but he’s also those small, unassuming, yet rebellious, sparks that set my world ablaze in the first place.
Sparks. It feels perfect, but I’d have to ease into it, unlike how he did with Becks. He grabbed onto that one and took off straight for the end zone.
I watch entirely too many sports with Finn.
Ricky and Finn, along with the rest of our pew, stand. I rise so that I can let them through. Finn lifts the kneeling thing up with his foot so people don’t trip over it. As everyone in our row passes in front of me, I peer around me to see those that have already taken communion are kneeling again. When he leaves, I put my foot underneath and pry the thing back down. I kneel and wait for the boys to get back. I also say a few prayers.
Daring the Wild Sparks Page 15
