Daring the Wild Sparks

by Alexander, Ren

  “So, you’re not going to leave Finn if he doesn’t want to get married or have a baby?”

  I sigh, hating that this question even comes up. I don’t want to think about us not coming to an agreement about how to spend our lives together. “I love him. I’ll never leave him, but sometimes it’s hard accepting the fact that he doesn’t want me to be his wife.”

  “Hadley, I know he does. He’s just scared.”

  I scoff and shake my head. “My daredevil? I don’t think so. He’s just repulsed by the entire idea of marriage.”

  She touches my leg. “That’s not it entirely. He’s repulsed because he has seen so many divorces happen to people who matter to him. I think if they hadn’t affected him, he would’ve married you already. I still think he will marry you.”

  I roll my eyes and reach for another chip. “I don’t.”

  “If he knocks you up, he better marry you.”

  “He won’t…to both of those.” I shift and tuck a leg beneath me, changing the subject. “So, are you dating anyone?”

  She sighs dramatically. “Sort of. Maybe… Not.”

  “What?”

  “We’re not together or dating, but I want to. Presently, we’re just fuck buddies.”

  I flinch. “Wow.” Finn said he didn’t love any of the women he was with before me. When we had the awkward conversation about our past exploits, he said he was with a waitress for a few months in that same casual capacity—they only met for sex. Should that make me feel better? It still makes me sick thinking about him making love to another woman, doing the things to them that he does to me, casual or not. Being with Finn is vastly different than the other three guys I was with because I’ve never been in love this deeply before. In high school, I dated Max my senior year into my freshman year of college. After I found out he cheated on me with my best friend, we broke up. To ease the pain, I threw myself at Max’s best friend Ty, who surprisingly was receptive. I wanted revenge on Max and Blair and to somehow overcome the pain. Though, our fling didn’t last long since it brought me no relief. It was only a temporary fix. However, it did make me feel vindicated that it destroyed Max and Ty’s friendship, just as he did with Blair and me. Even though I told Finn about Max and Ty, I didn’t tell him that Max and Ty were best friends. I don’t want him to think I would ever do that to him with Ricky, as if Ricky would ever go for that anyway. Then there was Chet my junior year. We met at a party and dated off and on for the rest of school, but I didn’t love him. After I graduated college, I wasn’t with any other guy. I was so lonely, but I didn’t want to have sex without being in love. I was done. I didn’t have any desire to be with anyone casually. I wanted to wait for the one to come along and when Finn Wilder ignited my life in the ER that fateful night, I was so doubtful, not believing I was the one he was also looking for, I wanted to wait before we had sex to see if he really was my dream come true. Yet on the other hand, I desperately wanted to blitz him every time we were together. On some level, I felt that if I slept with Finn, then it would erase my past, insignificant relationships. Miraculously, I held my ground…for a little while. If he hadn’t had pounced on me that night after the soccer game, I would have ambushed him first. I was beyond waiting anymore. Regardless, I’m glad we waited. Our first time was frantic and mind-blowing. It was perfect. I did love Max, in a way, but what I felt for him doesn’t even compare to the love I have for Finn. He is the real thing, my epic love.

  I’m brought back from my rumination to the Easter Peep Massacre when Simone says, “We get together twice a week. It’s usually like wham-bam and he’s done, but he’ll hang out with me afterward. I want him to stay all night with me. I think I’m falling for him.”

  “What’s his name?”

  Sighing, she says, “Owen. I wanted to bring him with me this weekend, yet I didn’t want my mom to get the wrong impression because then I would get the wrong impression. I also didn’t want my brother relentlessly cross-examining him.”

  I softly laugh. “I can see him doing that.”

  Simone dons an irritable grimace and says in an exaggerated deep voice, trying to imitate Finn, “What do you think you’re doing with my little sister? Where are you from? What’s your middle name? What church do you go to? Who was your sixth-grade teacher? Do you wear your seatbelt? What’s your life’s ambition? What baseball team do you root for? Are you taking her to an R-rated movie? Will you have her home by 9:00 PM sharp?”

  “Yep. That’s Finn!” I laugh louder and nod as I cover my mouth.

  She snorts as her eyes fall to my dark blue nails. “That boy is so easy to predict.” Not about everything.

  “Did you ask Owen how he feels about you?”

  She slumps and looks down to her bed. “No. What’s the point?”

  “You should talk to him, Simone.”

  “I’ll try.” She sits straighter. “Do you have any plans with that worthless boyfriend of yours tomorrow?”

  Shrugging, I say, “I’m not sure what he wants to do.”

  Looking hopeful from my response, she offers, “Maybe we can do something?”

  Not knowing what Finn would want me to commit to in his absence, I warily ask, “Like what?”

  Her blue eyes brighten and a mischievous smile appears. “How about you and Wilderness come with Mom and me to Henlopen?”

  “What’s that? A foreign country?”

  She laughs and smacks my leg. “It’s a state park on Cape Henlopen, silly. It’s pretty. We can take a picnic, do the nature trails, and walk the beach.”

  I contemplatively nod. “That sounds cool, actually, but I don’t know if your brother will want to go.”

  “Why? Because he hates Mom?”

  I shake my head. “He doesn’t hate your mom. He’s just hurt.”

  “Are you sure? He won’t talk to any of us, Hadley. Before taking off Friday night, he sat downstairs and ignored Ricky, Chrishelle, and me.”

  I guiltily state, “That’s my fault. He followed me to Fenwick Island to my friend’s house.”

  She digs into the chips. “I figured he went after you. It took him long enough. Did he tell you what he did to all of the family pictures?”

  “Not really. He said he broke some things, but he didn’t say what.”

  Between nibbling, she replies, “He threw them all into the fireplace. He was going to flip the switch and start a fire, but Ricky stopped him.”

  My gaze falls to the bed as I mumble, “Wow, Finn.”

  “Wilderness was pretty upset. Ricky had him pinned on the couch while he yelled about losing both you and Jack.”

  “He hasn’t lost either of us.”

  She sullenly says, “I hope not. My brother was more upset about the possibility of losing you. He wanted to go after you right then, but after talking to your friend on the phone, he sat downstairs with us, moping until he couldn’t be away from you anymore.”

  A sudden knock on the door has Simone and me turning to the door as Julie sticks her head in. “Hey.”

  We both respond with, “Hey.”

  Closing the door, Julie says, “I didn’t want to come out of my room and run into Finn, but I took a chance when I didn’t hear his voice anywhere. I wanted to give him time and space.”

  Simone snaps, “If he needs time and space, then I’ll give him a clock to hold as I kick his butt to the nearest comet.”

  “Simone,” Julie lightly scolds while I giggle.

  “You’re safe. He’s asleep,” I inform Julie.

  “Thanks for convincing him to come back here, Hadley. I thought for sure he wouldn’t want to be here.”

  I nod with an encouraging smile. “He won’t be mad forever. He’s calming down, but it’ll take him awhile.”

  “Is he talking to you much about it?”

  “Some, but not a whole lot. I don’t want to push him about it, either.”

  Simone says to Julie, “We were just talking about Finn when he was a kid. Apparently, he hasn’t told her about a lot
of things.”

  “Well, maybe he doesn’t want her to know, Simone. I’m sure he’s embarrassed and it was a long time ago.”

  My eyebrows yank together dubiously. “Embarrassed? Finn Wilder does not get embarrassed.” Was he even embarrassed earlier with his aunt? Maybe just irritated.

  Simone states nonchalantly, “No, but he has a big ego. He doesn’t want you to think less of him.” True.

  I say to Julie, “Please tell me more about Finn. I won’t tell him we talked. I want to know everything about him.” I thought I did know everything, except for that secret of his; although, I’m already supposed to know what it is.

  “I’m not sure what he hasn’t told you.” Julie shakes her head as she searches my face for any clues of what I don’t know about her son.

  I quietly admit, “I have a feeling he hasn’t told me a lot.”

  Simone pipes up, “His counseling, Mom. His depression. His getting kicked off of his high school soccer team.”

  My stomach lurches. “What? He said his school didn’t have a soccer team.”

  Simone scoffs, “That’s a lie. I played soccer there.”

  Finn lied to me? Why? I know it shouldn’t matter since it was years ago, and it’s not even a big deal he didn’t play soccer for his school. What bothers me is that he’s lied to me about it. What else is he lying about or keeping from me?

  His secret.

  Is this it?

  I stutter as I ask, “Why’d he get kicked off his team?”

  Julie looks around the room, seeming to gather her memories. “After they lost a game, I forget who it was against, Finn and a handful of his teammates went to the opposing team’s bus to confront some players who were running their mouths. Things got heated and the mouthiest boy got in Finn’s face, provoking him. Finn lost his temper and punched the kid, which incited a brawl. One of the other players found the coaches, and they tried to break up the fight. Finn’s coach tried to stop him, but he kept throwing punches.”

  “Finn got into a fight?”

  Simone nods and laughs disbelievingly. “I know, right? He is the wimpiest guy I’ve ever seen in my life!”

  “He gave the kid two black eyes, a bloody nose and a busted lip. Finn only got a couple scratches and bruises.”

  “I can’t believe this. Why didn’t he ever tell me?”

  Simone huffs, “Probably because he’d do it again if ever given a reason to.”

  The club. Shit. He could’ve punched Rod. I thought for sure he was going to. He said he wanted to…

  Julie says, “Finn and his teammates were suspended from school for three days and put on athletic probation for the rest of their sophomore year, which also barred him from playing soccer for the rest of the season. I let him play for a summer league because it was an isolated incident and soccer was an outlet for him that he needed and after that fight, he didn’t want to ever play soccer for his school again.”

  The next burning question pops into my mind. “He was in counseling?”

  Julie nods and adjusts her eyeglasses. “After his father and I got divorced, Finn became withdrawn and his grades started falling. When he turned 12, I think it was, we decided to put him in counseling. He saw a woman psychologist for about a year. Then, after his fight, we took him back to see the same psychologist, so he was maybe 15 at that time. He continued to see her for, oh, about another year. Maybe less.”

  I ask with baited breath, “Was he on medication?”

  “Yes. Our family doctor put Finn on some antidepressants at the request of his psychologist.”

  “How long did he take them?”

  “At least until he left for college. I’m not sure if he’s still on them or not.”

  Simone grouses, “With the way he’s been acting this weekend, I don’t think he’s still on meds.”

  I mutter, “Oh.” Oh my God. My poor Finn. I had no idea he had suffered so much. And here I am being a total jerk to him. I suppose I can understand why he never told me, but it still hurts all the same that he didn’t trust me enough with this, his deepest, darkest secret. I’m such an oblivious bitch.

  “Don’t be mad that he didn’t tell you,” Julie pleads, seeing my torment. “He never talks about it with anyone, refusing to discuss it at all back then. He wouldn’t even mention the doctor’s name or bring up any upcoming appointments. I had to remind him of when they were and he always got mad that I brought them up.”

  I woodenly nod. “I’m not mad. I just feel bad for him.” And hurt he left me out.

  Julie shakes her head and touches my knee. “Don’t do that either, Hadley. He’ll be horrified if you feel sorry for him. He thought this was a monstrous weakness for him. I’m sure now, if you knew, it would bother him and he’d feel so ashamed of himself.”

  “He couldn’t help it.”

  “I know, but he doesn’t see it that way. Baseball helped lift his spirits. It got him to be sociable again and to take his mind off his troubles. Jack loved helping him practice. He and Jack bonded and that’s when I think Finn ‘fell in love’ with his new stepdad. Henry had moved to Baltimore, so the kids didn’t see him often. That was especially hard for Finn. Henry and I fought over him moving away, but he had to for his job. Finn felt like his dad was abandoning him.” Abandoning him? Is that why he’s so upset about my mother leaving me? He had gone through it, to an extent, as well. Only, his dad didn’t walk out of his life permanently.

  She sighs. “I know you probably already realize this, but it’s like Finn is two different people. There’s one side of him that is extremely confident, highly driven, quite social and so charming.” I swiftly nod in agreement and she maintains, “Then there’s the other side of him that is darker. He’s fiercely private, very serious, keeps people at a distance, and is tremendously insecure.”

  I say, “Well, he’s pretty insecure about his parents’ marriages.”

  Julie says, “He is, but not as much as he is about you.”

  Thinking that she’s making a joke, I almost snort as I laugh. “That’s hilarious. Like he would ever really be insecure about me!”

  Simone takes up his cause, “Why wouldn’t he be? He constantly thinks he’s going to screw up and you’ll dump his ass.” I remember he did say something to that effect before, but the thought of Finn being insecure never entered my mind.

  “How do you know?” I ask her incredulously.

  “Really, Hadley? Sheesh. When he thought you left him, he was crying.”

  Never. I gape at her. “Finn? He never cries. We’ve been together three years and I’ve yet to see him cry. Though, he did come close when I told him to pick one: the New River Gorge Bridge or me.”

  Both Julie and Simone gasp and then laugh. “He picked you!” Julie claps her hands.

  I nod and smile. “I’m shocked, too.” Julie offers me her hand for a high-five and I give her one, giggling.

  Simone reclines against a fluffy pillow. “Well, you missed it then. He wasn’t bawling, but that’s because he was around all of us. He did have tears in his eyes. I saw them.”

  I sigh and argue, “Okay, but he just found out his mom and stepdad are getting divorced. I’d cry, too.”

  Simone counters, “He wasn’t crying for them. He was crying for you.”

  I still shake my head in denial. “Finn Wilder is a hard ass. He wouldn’t cry over me, no matter what happens. He would never want anyone to see him cry. He once told me that it’s weak for guys to cry.”

  Simone rolls her eyes. “You two are perfect for each other because you’re both so morbidly stubborn.”

  I roll my eyes back at her and change the subject. “Anything else about Finn that I should know?”

  Julie laughs. “He constantly had girls chasing after him in school, but he didn’t have any steady girlfriends. If he did, they weren’t together long because I’d probably remember them. At his baseball games, there would be girls wearing his name and number they drew on white T-shirts. Some held up signs for him, t
oo. They screamed his name when he was up at bat or got an out for the team. Most boys would’ve loved the attention, but Finn didn’t. He seemed aggravated by it.”

  Simone sneers, “Maybe because he liked boys instead.”

  “Simone.” Julie smirks at her and then looks at me. “He’s definitely into girls. One in particular.” I smile and stare at the teddy bears covering my leg.

  “Tell Hadley how you figured out he was dating her. That’s a funny story.”

  Julie shifts on the bed and takes a chip, looking thoughtful. “Well, Simone told me that when Finn took her to the ER for bronchitis, he had chatted up a woman. I didn’t think much of it because he has fans and he probably did go on dates with some. I’m not exactly sure of that since he never talked to me about who he was dating. Well, about three weeks later, I was talking to him on the phone and noticed he was acting kind of weird.”

  “Weirder than normal?” Simone retorts.

  “Yes.” Julie chuckles. “He was acting more evasive than usual. He didn’t want to talk about anything outside of his job. He seemed afraid that he’d say something incriminating if he talked about something else, even the weather. I could tell he was definitely hiding something. The strange thing was he sounded happy. I thought maybe he had met someone, so I started digging more. I asked him about the awards banquet he had coming up for work. He kind of blew it off and said he wasn’t going for long. That was odd since Henry, Jack and I all came down to Richmond for it because Finn was getting a big award.”

  “He did?” I ask, crestfallen. He didn’t tell me that.

  “Yes, but he wasn’t very enthusiastic about it, which was also peculiar since he liked getting recognized for his crazy stunts. That’s one thing he always enjoyed: accepting awards. He loved it.”

  “I don’t remember him going to a banquet.” I try to think back to when we first were dating. “I do recall him having to ‘work late’ one Friday night, but he still came over to my apartment. He hadn’t been on the Air because I remember asking him why he hadn’t been. He said he had to do some work for an assignment. I didn’t question him about it.” Finn showed up at my door in jeans and a T-shirt, which means he went home to change after getting his award.