Shit.
“You still don’t believe me?”
I look down at the floor and shrug. “I used to be called fat and ugly when I was younger. It’s hard to get let go of that.”
I hear Finn set down his bottle on the coffee table before he crawls over to me. When he’s close enough for me to smell his cologne, deodorant and Sparks, he gently gathers my hair and sweeps it over my other shoulder.
With his lips an inch from mine, he whispers, “I’ve seen pictures of you. You were beautiful, Becks. Just as you are now. Whoever said you were fat and ugly, I’ll find them and break their necks.”
Swallowing timidly from his words and intense stare, I give him a quiet smile. “Forever my bodyguard,” I whisper back.
“And don’t you forget it. I want to guard your body right now, since it is my job.” I unexpectedly giggle, but he doesn’t crack a smile. He doesn’t even take his heated scrutiny off me until he bends his head to kiss my neck. I incline my head away from him so he can get to my neck without smudging up his glasses against me.
Lifting my T-shirt, he slides his hand up to my chest. His other hand slides around my ribcage to my back and unhooks my bra, letting it slacken. With his hand on my chest, he leisurely trails his fingers under my bra, stopping to swirl his thumb around my nipple, hardening beneath, and I feel his smile on my neck from his small victory. He brings his hand from my back to my other breast and he slowly massages it with that thumb, setting my entire body on fire.
I gasp and whimper from the feel of his fingers on me. “Sparks.”
He drags his tongue up my neck, only to go back and blow warm air on the moist trail, giving me goose bumps and making me even wetter between my thighs. Stopping at my ear, he licks me and then nips my earlobe, causing me to writhe restlessly against him. He whispers, “Hadley, you are so fucking beautiful. I can’t make love to you enough. It’s not even possible. I’m constantly aching for you.” I moan softly from his heated words.
Clawing my hands up his thighs to his hips, I let my fingers fall between his legs, in which he half groans and half howls from my action. He drops his right hand from my breast and places my hand over his crotch. His dick is at full attention and straining against his nylon pants, begging me to whip it out. I stroke my hand over it, but I don’t set him free, teasing him. Breathing heavily into my ear, he pinches my nipple with his other hand, and fittingly, sharply sends sparks through my veins.
Reaching up to his jaw, I tilt his face to mine and I kiss him feverishly, the taste of beer flavoring it. My body is screaming for him to fuck me right here.
Without pulling our lips apart, I lift myself up and move to straddle his lap and he straightens his legs. As soon as I’m settled over him, he pulls down the front of his pants, grabbing his dick to position it underneath me, impatiently pushing into my entrance through my pants, like he did at our first attempt in his childhood bed. His mouth leaves mine as he pants against my lips. Returning his right hand to my breast, he massages both my tits more avidly, squeezing them until it’s painful, yet feels so good beneath his hands. He precipitously steals a hand to take off his glasses and toss them behind him on the couch. Then, he swiftly bends to roughly take a nipple into his mouth, biting and sucking; making me yelp and gasp.
I do like him rough, too.
His lips brushing over my sensitive nipple, he whispers, “I fucking love your tits.” I smile above his head from that statement, one that he has said several times before. “I could come from doing this.” He takes long, slow licks over my nipple and I whimper.
Looking down as I ride the tip of his dick, I dig my fingers into his thick hair and marvel at how amazing his touch makes me feel inside and out, and at how I love him more now than I did yesterday.
Finn switches to my other breast, hungrily biting and sucking all around it, softly humming his delight against my skin, no doubt leaving love bites all over. I grind my hips down, pushing him further into the material and into me, and he growls as he lightly sinks his teeth into my hard nipple.
Abruptly, he raises his head and reaches up to my shoulder, yanking my upper body closer to him. Our noses touch as he huffs a breath over my lips before his enthusiastic mouth claims mine, just as eagerly as he did my breasts. He slides a hand into my loose hair and grips a handful, holding it against my head.
I push him back against the couch and take my lips from his to kiss through his stubble and down his neck. I feel and hear his fast, hot breath blowing down my neck and shoulder in time with his chest heaving against me. From the corner of my eye, I see his throat bobbing rapidly with hard swallows.
“Becks,” he groans.
“Sparks.”
“I need to be inside you. Now”
I breathe against his collarbone. “I’m not stopping you.”
“I want to give you all of me.”
“I want all of you.” I grip his dick underneath me, tugging at it, as I nip and lick the crook of his neck.
He moves his hand to my waistband and pulls down my pants the furthest he can without me standing up.
“I need to feel you and I need you to feel me. Do you want that, Hadley?”
I nod against his shoulder and he whispers, “I know what else you want. This is our last night to chance it.”
I instantly stop kissing his neck. What? I apprehensively ask, “Do you want us to go back to using birth control?”
His breath hitches, most likely from not wanting to answer that question right at this moment, but he eventually nods. “Yeah.”
I close my eyes. I knew this wasn’t going to be a real thing for him. I knew this going in, yet I can’t believe I actually entertained the thought that he’d really want to try for a baby after this weekend, if I’m not already pregnant.
He hesitantly whispers, “Becks?”
Not knowing how to respond, I indifferently mutter, “Okay.” It’s not a total shock, but it still hurts.
A lot.
I feel like he’s scraping a knife against my arm. It hurts, but I’ll survive.
He takes a deep breath. “How long will it take for you to get on the Pill?”
Inciting me with that question, I lift my head and sit back. Is he fucking serious? He really wants me to go on it? Finn’s eyes scour my face, awaiting my answer so we can move on and he can have his last birth-control-free fuck.
He explains as he strokes my arms, “We can make love without condoms or the gel. We both have loved going without those this weekend.”
“That’s not… I don’t even know where…” That’s not why I’m so offended! I don’t even know where to start. I grind my teeth and look away from him.
“Becks, what?”
I swing my head to face him and snap, “Are you that fucking clueless?”
Finn’s mouth falls open in astonishment. “What?”
Is he that stupid? No. I’m the one who’s stupid. I let him do this to me. I let him get my hopes up. I’m such a fucking idiot.
I shake my head and look at the wall to the right of us, containing a multitude of pictures hanging on his wall of Ricky and me. It’s undecided who is featured more prominently.
“Nothing. It’s my fault.”
Confounded, he asks, “What is?”
“Thinking that maybe you changed your mind.”
As I feel his hard-on deflating beneath me, he lowers his voice to just above a whisper, as if he doesn’t want his adoring public to hear, “About having a baby?” He sighs, flooding the space between us with the scent of beer. He shoves both hands into his hair. “I told you that I don’t know about being a father.”
I whip my head back, regarding him disbelievingly. “Then why did you attack me at Bethany’s and not use a condom if you’re still that unsure?”
With his hands still submerged in his hair, his dark eyebrows furrow as he cautiously looks at me. “Because I wanted to at least try and give you something you want.”
Even more pissed off now, I sn
eer, “Well, congratulations! And now that you did that for a couple days, are you done now? Are you satisfied with jerking my chain?”
“I didn’t mean for you to think that I am, Becks,” he replies surprisingly calm, but not looking directly at me.
“So, you’re going to go back to your original attitude on the subject?
Shaking his head, he drops his hands, resting them on my thighs. I want to push them off, but I brought this on myself. I deserve to suffer somewhat. His eyes shift upward to my face. “Why are we arguing about this right now? You knew I was only going to go without condoms for the weekend, and you know how I feel about having a kid.”
I cross my arms. “No, not really. One minute you act like it would end your life and the next you’re fucking me without any qualms whatsoever about getting me pregnant.”
He aimlessly gestures next to me. “I knew there was a risk of it happening and I may have knocked you up any of those three days. I know this. If I did, then we’ll deal with it.”
I narrow my eyes at him. Shaking my head, I huff, “But you’re praying to God that you didn’t.”
He cocks his head and gives me an exasperated frown. “Becks.”
“What? That’s the honest truth. You’re calm now about the possibility, but if next month I hand you a positive pregnancy test, what in the hell will you do? Will you be happy, upset or apathetic about having a child with me? Will you stay around and grudgingly help me take care of the baby? Maybe you’ll break up with me, but stick around to help. Or will you just dump us both altogether? There are so many scenarios that can play out. So, you tell me!”
His hands ball into fists on top of my legs as he finally snaps, “I told you, if I got you pregnant, I won’t leave you!”
“Maybe not right away, but once our baby is born, I think it’ll be too much for you and you’ll want out.”
Finn snarls, “Do you honestly think that fucking little of me? That I would do that to you or to my kid?”
I fix my pants and glance down to our laps. “I don’t know what to think.”
“Right now, neither do I.” I slide my gaze back up to his angry face. Glaring at me, he lifts his hips up and I slide off him, edging back to my spot during dinner. He props his legs in front of him and hangs his arms over his knees, bowing his head and closing his eyes.
I lean against the loveseat, also propping my legs in front of me, except crossing mine at the ankles. Staring at the floor next to the coffee table, I think of this weekend and what just happened. This is the second time within a few days that we had a fight before having sex. The weekends are our time we spend making love and just being together, doing anything other than fighting. We mostly laugh and joke around. With me, he’s the sweet, loving Finn that his Finnatics don’t get to see.
Not now.
“Becks,” Finn whispers. I glance at him and see his glasses are back on his face. He stutters, “I… I’m… Can’t we…” He sighs. We warily stare at each other and he inhales. “I want…”
“What, Finn? You want to say how sorry you are for jerking me around? For leading me to believe that maybe, just maybe, you changed your mind and decided that you want something beyond what we have now? That you love me and truly want to give me a part of yourself, other than your sperm strictly on a weekend loan?”
He quickly scowls. “Becks, come on.”
I look down to the floor and bite my lip. “I’m not doing it.”
Hearing him loudly gulp, he quietly asks, “Doing what?”
My nails dig into my thighs as I close my eyes and take a deep breath. When I look at Finn, his eyes are huge and he’s frozen like a statue, his biceps bulged tensely from his fists being clenched. I can’t even see him breathing. What is he thinking? Does he think I’m breaking up with him? Is he praying that I am?
“I’m not going on the Pill. I won’t do it for you, not when you’ve been against me taking it all this time. If you really don’t want me to get pregnant, we shouldn’t even be using the gel either since apparently, you had an issue trusting me with whether I was really putting it in or not.”
His hand goes to his forehead, lifting strands of hair with it. “We already talked about that. I’m sorry.”
I adamantly shake my head. “No, we didn’t. You showed up at Bethany’s because you were desperate for sex and you forgot a condom.”
A flash of anger crosses over his face and he immediately straightens, yelling, “That’s not true! I didn’t bring a condom because I wanted to make love to you without one.”
“That’s the problem! You want to have sex with me without contraception, but you just don’t want the repercussions to be real. Kind of like how you want everything else in life. You don’t want to get married, yet you want me to live with you as if we were, reaping the benefits of having a live-in fuck buddy, but not having to wear a wedding ring or to call me your wife.”
Finn bellows, “None of what you said is even accurate! Why do you say shit like that? Our relationship isn’t based on just sex!”
“That’s all you seem to want to do when we’re together!”
He dubiously scoffs and throws his hands into the air. “And you’re complaining? We only get to see each other on the damn weekends! Do you want me to apologize for getting turned-on when I see you, for wanting to make love to you as much as I can before we go back to our own fucking apartments again for the week?”
I grumble, “I’m only across town.”
“That’s even harder for me! Knowing that you’re that close, but yet, so far away from me. It’s like a slow death! The fact that you don’t want to be with me every night is torture!” He scans the room before looking back to me and shaking his head. “And I’m not talking about having sex, either. I mean, just being next to me every night. Being able to reach over and touch your arm, your hair or your face. To hear you breathing inches away from me. To smell your scent fresh from you and not having to rely on getting a sliver of it from the body wash you keep in the shower, the smell of your scent mixed with your shampoo lingering on your pillow, or your perfume from the jacket you leave on a kitchen chair. To be able to walk up behind you and put my arms around your body while kissing your neck to make you laugh. Telling each other about our day face-to-face over dinner, not over the phone.”
All I can do is stare at him. I didn’t know he felt like this about me not living with him. I sort of thought it was about the sex.
He leans forward. “You also said you were okay with not getting married. That’s a lie? So, now you’re lying to me?”
I glare at him. “Don’t you dare even go there, Wilder.”
“Why not? Now there’s something else you won’t tell me?”
“No. There’s a lot that you’re not telling me!”
He loses his patience. “Fuck! I told you everything that matters! What more do you want to know?”
“You not wanting to tell me anything speaks volumes. It says you don’t trust me.”
“I do trust you!”
I shake my head and wipe my cheek. “Not enough since you still want me to go on the Pill.”
“It’s not about not trusting you! Damn it!” He leans his head back and looks up to the ceiling briefly before lowering his head. “I’m so sorry for doubting you.”
“So, you trust me, but you still want me to go on the Pill for what? Your pleasure?”
He sighs and glances at me. “Yours, too.”
“What about your beliefs, Finn? Aren’t those more important than you getting off?”
His jaw twitches as he glowers at me, but he’s otherwise expressionless. I wait for his answer; however, he doesn’t offer one.
I slowly stand. “I’m going to get my clothes ready for work and get a shower. I’m tired.” I look over at him, but he doesn’t look up from his legs. I take our plates and set them in the sink and walk back to Finn’s room, feeling more confused and dejected than before.
Score one for Wilder…again.
&nb
sp; What happens if he wins?
Or, rather, what happens when I lose?
CHAPTER 22
Last night was not how I expected our Easter weekend would conclude. Far from it. Although, the weekend had also begun like nothing I had hoped it would be either.
After I walked out of the living room, I went into Finn’s room and sorted my clothes, but my mind wasn’t into it after fighting with him. He didn’t follow me or even yell for me to come back. So, I sorted, re-sorted and then totally threw all the clothes into the dirty clothes hamper because I didn’t want to deal with them anymore. I found a beige skirt and a light blue blouse in Finn’s closet that I had put there and had forgotten about. Putting them aside, I then took a shower.
When I dried off and was dressed, I thought Sparks might be in his room, but he wasn’t. I peeked around the corner from the hall into the living room, but he wasn’t there; neither were his car keys that had been on the kitchen counter.
I was stunned he took off. Forget about me moving in with him. Maybe he should just move in with Ricky. He runs to him more than he does his mommy.
I thought about waiting up for him to come home, but then decided against it. Most likely, he would be staying out until he knew I’d be asleep. That perturbed me since he’ll be leaving for Charleston shortly after I leave for work in the morning.
Becoming more and more pissed off by his wanting me to go on the Pill and then his bailing on me because I had refused, I threw all of my things into my suitcase: dirty clothes, clothes in the closet, in the drawers, anything I could squeeze in, and I loaded up my car. Then only in my pajamas, I drove to my apartment. I knew I was being irrational and petty by taking all of my things with me, but so was he for ditching me. I doubt I even hear from him before he leaves this morning. So much for him needing me, I guess.
“Yo! Hadders!” A hand goes in front of my face and fingers snap repeatedly.
I jump. “Oh, what?” I ask, breaking from my hazy fog. I look up to see Rod in front of my desk. He’s wearing a dark blue dress shirt with a Smurf tie.
Daring the Wild Sparks Page 29
