My Christmas Boyfriend

by S J Crabb

  ‘You're my prisoner and I'm taking you to jail.’

  I see my Aunt and Uncle look at each other with incredulous looks and I can feel Liam shaking with laughter beside me.

  If only that's where it stopped.

  The next round of gifts appears to have come straight from Ann Summers.

  Gina holds up a black lacy thong and shouts, ‘I never knew they did these in Poundland – gross!’

  I look over and immediately wish I hadn't as I see my gran looking at the Major with an extremely suggestive expression, as she rips the head off a marshmallow penis with her teeth. Then I see my mum holding up what appears to be a riding crop in confusion.

  ‘What's going on? Since when did Poundland deal in adult toys?’

  My gran laughs loudly. ‘They don't. I just thought I'd liven the party up a bit.’

  My cheeks flame as Liam holds up a blow-up doll and grins at me.

  ‘A grownups Bubblehead Barbie, if I'm not mistaken.’

  My mum, however, is furious.

  ‘I can't believe you mother. What possessed you to buy such filth, at Christmas too. There are children present and a policeman. There must be laws against X-rated gifts before the Queen's speech and if you think I'm bailing you out of jail when you get there, you are very much mistaken.’

  Dick bursts out laughing and Gina looks annoyed.

  ‘Leave us out of this. What happened to the giant Toblerone and family pack of nuts that we put in? For god's sake, just move this thing on and then we can get back to the alcohol.’

  The boys carry on delivering their parcels, which are opened with a bit more trepidation. Soon we have all amassed a huge pile of useful, cheap, gifts and the swapping begins.

  I fight back a smile as Elliott tries to bargain Liam for the blow-up doll in return for the balloon whisk. My Aunt looks horrified and Liam trades him his selection box instead before quickly tucking the doll out of sight under the settee.

  Thank goodness the Queen's speech interrupts the proceedings and we get back to the good old-fashioned traditions of Christmas.

  After the speech, we once again sit down to another food mountain. This time, there are all sorts of desserts to tempt us. Trifles and profiteroles jostle with the usual Christmas pudding and mince pies. Dad even manages to light the pudding, which is a first, as he always fails miserably at this every other year. Maybe he googled the best practices of igniting your pudding at the same time as he googled Delilah's problems.

  After dinner, we all move into the living room to collapse in a heap in front of the television.

  Liam sinks down beside me and I lean against him gratefully.

  ‘I'm stuffed. Don't move an inch, you can be my cushion for the rest of the evening.’

  He smiles and just pulls me close with his arms wrapped firmly around me. Wow, this is the best and worst Christmas ever.

  I must have fallen asleep because I wake up to a familiar sound.

  Suddenly, I hear the same moans and groans that woke me up the other day. With a start, I sit up and look around me in confusion. What the Hell! Am I still dreaming?

  Suddenly Gina shrieks. ‘Oh my God, give me that.’

  I watch in shock as she launches herself at Gran who is laughing uncontrollably.

  ‘Thank God, one of the family is doing me proud. Well done Gina, I'm so proud of you.’

  I watch, as Gina grabs what appears to be her iPad, off a howling grandmother, as the rest of the room look at them in stunned silence.

  Dick looks mightily uncomfortable as my mum says loudly.

  ‘What's going on?’

  Gran wipes her eyes and waves her hand in my direction. ‘Annie's dick pick is nothing compared to Gina's porno.’

  There is silence in the room and then my Aunt says loudly.

  ‘Come on boys, let's take Timmy for a walk on the beach and you can try out those kites that Santa made for you.’

  They rush out of the room leaving the rest of us looking at Gina in disbelief.

  She just shrugs. ‘So what, it's nothing these days.’

  My mum says faintly. ‘What are you talking about? That isn't really you, is it?’

  Gina snaps the lid closed and looks at Dick and shrugs.

  ‘Listen, you may as well know the truth. Dick and I want to move in together and buy our own place. As you know, property prices are through the roof and we need a hefty deposit. Well, Dick knows someone who could post this for us on the dark web. It's all perfectly fine because I have been editing it to cut out our faces. Nobody will know it's us and his friend says that we could have our deposit in record time if we just set up a pay to view. See, nothing bad. If it's good enough for celebrities, then it's good enough for us. Everyone does it now.’

  All eyes turn to Liam and me and I turn as red as Santa's suit.

  ‘Don't look at us. We aren't in the porn movie business.’

  My mum sinks down heavily. ‘I can't believe it. I would never have thought it of you, Gina, or you, Dick. Isn't it against the law? You could be arrested.’

  Gina shrieks. ‘Oh, don't you start. I told you, nobody will ever know. It's not on Google for god's sake, unlike Delilah over there. This is a means to an end and nobody will ever know.’

  She looks at Dick and nods towards the door. ‘Come on, I need some fresh air. The stench of puritanical judgement and misunderstanding is stifling me. Let's catch the others up.’

  Dick looks around apologetically and follows her from the room.

  Mum looks extremely shaken up and I feel bad for her. She looks at the rest of us and says quietly.

  ‘Anyone else got anything they want to share?’

  We shake our heads, but then Gran pipes up. ‘Well, you may as well know that the Major and I have fallen in love and will be getting married in the New Year. Gina isn't the only one who has been having sexy fun this Christmas. He has agreed to move in with me to the McCarthy Stone residence, immediately.’

  There is a stunned silence, broken only by my mother reaching for the brandy bottle.

  ‘Pour me a large one, Kevin. God knows I need it.’

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Liam and I made a hasty exit back to his room to get over the shock. I think this is now possibly my worst Christmas ever. God only knows what he must think of us.

  We sit on his bed and he just holds me and says softly.

  ‘Well, you must be relieved that it's all over and everything's out in the open.’

  I look at him in surprise. ‘Not really. I mean, it's bad enough finding your dad is some sort of female agony aunt, with the most ridiculous name I have ever heard. If it ever got out he would be ostracised from not only the darts club but the whole of society.

  My sister, as it turns out, is now a fledgling porn star, selling sex for a deposit on a house. Possibly the worse thing of all is even my Gran is having a sex life and has found true lust again, when I, yet again, have not. I have a pretend boyfriend because my real one decided to cheat on me in front of the whole of London and I lost my job and soon my home. In a couple of days I will have to return to the mess I have created and sort it out. Then I will lose the one person who has got me through all of this and the only one I can tell anything to.’

  The tears run down my cheeks as Liam holds me and strokes my hair.

  As I well and truly lose it and my mascara runs all over his nice white shirt, his phone rings.

  Sniffing, I pull back and nod towards it. ‘Go on, Liam, answer that, I'll just clean myself up in your bathroom if I may.’

  He smiles, which makes my heart flutter and reaches for his phone. As I close the bathroom door I hear him say softly, ‘Thank god you've called.’

  Ok, I know I shouldn’t and there is probably a law against listening to someone's conversation without them knowing, but I am temporarily insane.

  Leaving the door slightly ajar, I stand behind it and listen. I hear Liam's low, husky, tones and strain to hear what's he saying.

  ‘No,
I'm sorry baby girl.…. Yes, it was all a misunderstanding. I'm sure we can work it all out…. Don't cry we'll sort it…. Yes, I know it couldn't have happened at a worse time…. Oh, she won't mind…… (groans) me too…. remember I love you…… I'll get there as soon as I can……. Ok, beautiful…… Love you.’

  He hangs up and I feel my legs shaking. That's it, my bubble has burst. Even my pretend boyfriend has woken up and is heading back to reality.

  As I stare at my reflection in the mirror, I don't like what is staring back at me.

  Annie Anderson, Famous Five reject and lonely girl. Nothing to look forward to and facing an uncertain future. About to lose the best boyfriend she has ever had after possibly the worst Christmas ever.

  As I stare at myself, something stirs within me. This is it, rock bottom. Now the only way is up and I am going to claw my way back up there with courage and determination. I won't let myself be beaten.

  Plastering a smile on my face, I head back into the room. Liam jumps up looking apologetic and nods towards the phone.

  ‘Listen, Annie, something's come up and I have to go back to the wedding. I would ask you to come but it would probably be better if you stayed and sorted things out with your family. Do you mind? I hate leaving you.’

  He is looking at me with so much concern that my resolve is in danger of crumbling. I just smile weakly and shake my head. ‘No, it's fine. You must do what you have to. Don't worry about me, I'll be ok.’

  He looks at me anxiously. ‘Are you sure? I hate leaving you amid all this chaos.’

  I laugh a bit too loudly and note the surprise in his eyes.

  ‘Oh, this is nothing. We'll be back to normal in no time. Do you need a lift to the hotel? I don't think my dad had much to drink, he'll drop you there.’

  Liam looks at me strangely and then crosses the room. He pulls me towards him and hugs me tightly.

  ‘Thank you for the best Christmas I have ever had, so far anyway. I'll deal with the drama and get back as quickly as possible. I promise.’

  I just smile, trying to muster every last shred of dignity that I have left and say brightly.

  ‘Listen, sort things out there first. After all, we were due to leave the day after tomorrow anyway. If you can make it back then great if not then no biggie. Don't feel as if you should. Anyway, I'll go and get dad to fire up the Kirrin wagon while you pack.’

  I turn to go, but he grabs my hand and says softly.

  ‘You know, you're the best pretend girlfriend I have ever had.’

  I smile shakily. ‘Same goes for me, boyfriend. I'll certainly never forget this Christmas.’

  He nods, but his eyes cloud over and suddenly he looks unsure of himself.

  ‘Remember, Annie, if I don't make it back you have agreed to be my date for New Year.’

  I smile and nod. ‘That's fine. Of course, I'll help you out, it's the least I can do. Anyway, you had better pack and I'll organise your transport.’

  As I walk away, I leave my heart in his room. Why did that just feel like we said goodbye?

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Boxing day comes and I wake up with a heavy heart. As I look over at Mr Puddles, it all comes rushing back.

  Liam left, and I absolutely drenched Mr Puddles. I really should get him dry-cleaned. I mean, the amount of bacteria he must now be holding is surely a public health hazard.

  My family were surprised and disappointed that Liam had to leave, but not nearly as much as I was.

  Gina and Dick returned and brazened it out. There was an awkward silence in the room, and only gran and the Major seemed in high spirits.

  I managed to escape for an early night and must have fallen asleep after crying into Mr Puddles for close on two hours.

  I get dressed and venture downstairs. Gina appears to have slept in Dick's room last night. I suppose there was no point in segregating them after the sex scandal and once again I feel jealous of her happiness.

  Mum looks up as I enter the kitchen and smiles. However, I note the worry in her eyes and instantly feel bad for her ruined Christmas.

  ‘Morning darling, did you sleep well? That was certainly an eventful day yesterday.’

  I go over and hug her, saying softly. ‘Let me make breakfast today, mum. You look as if you could use some tlc today.’

  She just laughs softly and waves her hands around.

  ‘Don't be silly my dear. I need the distraction quite frankly. It would appear I must organise a geriatric wedding for early spring. That doesn't give me much time to plan, so it will be all systems go as soon as the last mince pie is eaten.’

  She pours me a cup of tea and I sit and wait for the others to join us.

  Breakfast is a slightly subdued affair and only the twins appear in high spirits. I volunteer to take them for a walk on the beach and we set off on a bracing adventure.

  I watch as they run and jump the waves and remember the last time we did this. I wonder what Liam is doing now? Is he even thinking of me at all, or am I just a bad memory already?

  Timmy races back and shakes his wet fur over me. Elliott follows laughing.

  ‘Where's Liam? He was fun why did he have to go?’

  I just smile. ‘He had to return to his family. He may be back later though.’

  Elliott cheers. ‘I hope so, I want to see if he still has that doll. I could swap with him. Maybe Macie Green would prefer that one instead.’

  Despite my feelings, I just laugh out loud. ‘I doubt it, darling, I think Barbie is a safer bet.’

  Pushing my desolation to one side I decided to just run and be free with the twins. We spend a good hour on the beach, flying the kite and jumping the waves. It's time to forget my troubles and just be a kid again.

  When we get back the others are all watching television in the living room.

  I join them while mum heads off to make us all a hot chocolate.

  Then suddenly, my world turns upside down – again!

  The local news comes on and I am faced with the sight of a reporter, standing outside Kingsley Manor.

  Earlier yesterday, April Loveday, flew into town in a helicopter, landing here at Kingsley Manor. The Supermodel appears to be attending the wedding of her boyfriend's cousin, who she was rumoured to have split from.

  My heart lurches, as we see pictures of April, looking unbelievably beautiful in her Chanel campaign, flashing up on the screen.

  Gina sighs. ‘God, I wish I looked like that. Some girls have everything, lucky bitch.’

  I can feel my world shattering as another image of her with Liam, flashes on the screen.

  Seen here with Liam Goodwin, her boyfriend, and top photographer, it is thought they had split. However, a source close to the couple brushed off the rumours and confirmed they are very much back together and spent Christmas evening holed up in their suite. A statement released earlier this morning confirmed that the couple were working things out and were just happy to be together at Christmas.

  There is silence in the room and mum comes in, just as the picture of Liam and April flicks onto the screen. She exclaims.

  ‘Good god, is that Julian with April Loveday? If not, he must have a twin.’

  All eyes turn to me and I shrink back into my chair, saying weakly.

  ‘Now I'm afraid it's my turn to come clean.’

  They look at me expectantly as the TV changes to adverts and I sigh heavily.

  ‘I'm sorry everyone, but Julian is actually called Liam Goodwin. I met him on the train coming down and agreed to be his girlfriend for Christmas. It’s true, he is April's boyfriend, but they had split up before I met him. I went to his family wedding, and he came here. It looks like he is back with April though, so at least he had a happy ending out of all this.’

  My mum sinks down next to me and looks incredulous.

  ‘Why Anne? It all seems so strange. Why would you want to pretend you had a boyfriend? Also, why would you pick up a stranger from the train and put yourself in danger like that?’
/>
  My Dad looks at me with concern.

  ‘Yes, why Anne? You are usually such a sensible girl.’

  Gran just laughs loudly. ‘Well, I think it's hilarious. Definitely something I would do. Shame you didn't get to do more than pretend. If he had been my boyfriend for even five minutes, I would have been giving him everything he wanted, and more.’

  Everyone turns to my gran and shouts.

  ‘Shut up Gran.’

  She looks offended and barks angrily. ‘Don't call me that. My name is Lizzie and you would do well to remember.’

  She looks over at the Major and says irritably.

  ‘Come on dear, you can take me for a walk around the garden, while we leave the rest of them to dwell on how they speak to their elders and betters.’

  They storm out of the room and my Uncle Steven looks at me kindly.

  ‘I'm sorry, Annie. I'll take the boys to our room and set up the new model railway. Give you a bit of privacy.’

  My Aunt hugs me gently and whispers, ‘I'd better go and help. By the time he's laid out all the pieces and read through the instructions, it will be New Year. I'll have it built by the time he's put his reading glasses on.’

  The remaining five of us sit and stare at each other and I just shrug.

  ‘I'm sorry, guys. I thought it would be a good idea. I liked Liam and we sort of just clicked. My real boyfriend, aka Tosser, cheated on me at his office party with some tart in the stationery cupboard. Earlier that day I had been relieved of my job so when I met Liam I was jobless, loveless and heading home to tell you all the bad news. I suppose I was reckless, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.’

  My mum just puts her arm around me and my dad comes and does the same the other side.

  ‘Don't worry, Anne. You can always come home and live with us.’

  I look at Gina and see the horror in my eyes reflected in hers. She looks at me with a surprisingly uncharacteristic soft expression.

  ‘I'm sorry, Annie. If it's any consolation, I think Liam really did like you.’