by David Rees
We are all familiar with the relentless, miserly whine of the electric sharpener. We recognize the artless pencil point that is its eschatology.1 We argue against their use to friends and family—and still they fly off the shelves. Why?
A clue can be found on the web site of Hammacher Schlemmer—famous purveyors of gizmos and absurdities for the aspirational American2—where the store’s “History” page boasts of selling the world’s first electric pencil sharpener. Apparently people still believe this device is the ultimate status symbol; a way to announce that one has “arrived”; an object whose possession magically confers upon its owner the status of intelligentsia, renegade, elite.
Yet the sad fact is that almost every supposed advantage of the electric pencil sharpener has been exaggerated beyond recognition.
To take but one example: The vaunted “efficiency” of electric pencil sharpeners is overrated: They are worthless on a camping trip; a blackout instantly changes them into paperweights; they can hardly be counted on to work in a waterfall.3 “Oh,” the electric pencil sharpener enthusiast may object, “but my electric pencil sharpener is different—it runs on batteries!” Has our protesting Pollyanna given any thought to what a useless folly his amazing battery-operated pencil sharpener will be the moment our world runs out of batteries? Likely not.
To my mind, the greatest shortcoming of the electric pencil sharpener is not its limited utility, but the way it alienates its user from the pencil-sharpening process. In a culture that prizes openness and accountability, this device remains a defiantly closed system; the ultimate black box; a windowless abattoir.4
Nevertheless, electric pencil sharpeners must be counted among pencil-pointing technologies, and therefore fall under this book’s purview. I can only endeavor to show you the most effective means of using these devices, and hope you do so as often as possible.
STEP ONE: PAYING ATTENTION
If your pencil-sharpening practice finds you strolling the avenues and byways of your town, sharpening kit in hand, pay attention to your surroundings. You never know when you may come across a property whose occupants are electric pencil sharpener users, (ADD) and passing by without comment or intervention would be a crime. (To be sure, our craft confers all the pleasures and responsibilities of the deputized.)
If it’s a sunny day, you should wear a wide-brimmed hat for UV protection. Choose a stylish one.
It’s no wonder this house has stopped me in my tracks. Let us review the signs that suggest a certain appliance therein:
1. Pencil markings on porch steps indicate the presence of pencils;
2. Air conditioning unit indicates the presence of electricity;
3. Closely mowed lawn indicates a preoccupation with orderliness, and yet;
4. Disorderly porch indicates limited free time;
5. Banality of architecture indicates disinterest in aesthetics and craftsmanship.
All signs point toward the presence of an electrical pencil sharpener inside.
Our quarry at rest (see lower left corner of photograph)
STEP TWO: ENTERING THE WORK AREA
As we are not blessed with X-ray vision, and as the government doesn’t maintain public records of pencil sharpener ownership, and as confronting the occupants could be awkward, and as the occupants seem to be out of the house anyway, the only way to confirm your suspicions is to enter the home and look around.
First-floor windows with flimsy screens are ideal entry-points. If it’s winter, your passage may be complicated by storm windows. In this situation, it’s advisable to make note of the property’s address and return when warmer weather arrives.
It is important to bring your entire body inside the house, as neighbors’ suspicions may be aroused if they notice something hanging out the window.
STEP THREE: SEARCHING THE RESIDENCE FOR OFFENDING DEVICES
Once you’re completely inside the property, confirm your hunch and justify your ingress by scanning the residence for electric pencil sharpeners, keeping in mind that they may be below or behind you.
If you don’t find an electric pencil sharpener after an hour or so, courtesy demands you leave.
Fortunately, in this situation I needn’t feel uncomfortable about entering a stranger’s home, as there is an electric pencil sharpener in plain view. Closer inspection reveals it to be a Boston sharpener (Model 18) from the late 20th Century. Why is it here? Perhaps its owner is a Massachusetts native and keeps it for nostalgic effect. Perhaps it is simply admired as an example of the “beige brick” school of industrial design. A third possibility is that the owner has simply forgotten it entirely, and no longer registers its unfortunate presence in his or her work area.
There is also the depressing chance that the owner actively uses it to sharpen pencils.
Regardless of the reason, this unhappy home is infested. But its hour of liberation is at hand.
It is time to make use of the device.
STEP FOUR: DISARMING THE SHARPENER
The first step in using an electric pencil sharpener is to unplug it. Trace the electrical cord from the back of the sharpener to the wall outlet, taking care not to inadvertently skip over to another item’s cord. If your eyes can’t be trusted, use your hand: You don’t want to risk unplugging the wrong electrical device, as this could complicate your unknown hosts’ forthcoming gratitude.
With a firm, steady grip, unplug the pencil sharpener from the outlet.
The sharpener has been disarmed.
STEP FIVE: CHOOSING THE BEST TOOL FOR THE JOB
Remove the sharpener from the desk and place it in the middle of the largest room in the house. Again, this logic is dictated by etiquette: You don’t want to damage furnishings during use.
The choice of tool for effective use of the pencil sharpener should be an easy one. As you can see in this photograph, I had the appropriate items on hand; if your kit does not include a mallet or hammer, feel free to scour the residence. (Remember to return any tools when your job is done!5)
Now is the time for a final inspection of the pencil sharpener. In addition to analyzing the casing for cracks, weathering, or other pre-existent weaknesses that may smooth your operation, you should take note of any manufacturer’s information that could lend an air of poignancy or poetic justice to the proceedings.
According to the manufacturer’s label on the bottom, the Boston Model 18 pictured here was assembled in Statesville, NC—and it shall meet its destiny at the hands of a North Carolinian. We could not ask for a more fortuitous turn of events.
STEP SIX: GETTING TO WORK
Tighten your safety goggles, raise the mallet over your head, and bring it down on the body of the electric sharpener with maximum force. Repeat as necessary.
When the mallet-head connects with the sharpener your impulse may be to blink or duck your head. Remember that you have nothing to fear—goggles are protecting your eyes—and endeavor to maintain visual contact with the sharpener, as a piece of it may break off and come hurtling at you.
Some people prefer to use electric sharpeners while sitting on the floor with legs apart. In addition to greater stability, this position allows you to contain flying debris with your thighs.
Continue making use of the sharpener. You should work in silence. The impulse to howl in ecstasy; deliver a full-throated monologue about the dignity of hand-labor and the decadence of mechanization; or simply scream “DIE! DIE! MY DARLING!” should be resisted, however tempting. Such outbursts will only draw attention from passersby, and encourage invasive queries from busybody neighbors.
If you feel your energy flagging, and the home’s decorations indicate especially permissive and forgiving occupants (see Table 13.1), it may be appropriate to forage in their refrigerator.
13.1: ITEMS IN THE HOME WHICH MAY INDICATE ESPECIALLY PERMISSIVE AND FORGIVING OCCUPANTS
Windows
Welcome mats
Wind chimes
Crystals
Books
Unopened bills on kitchen counter
“DO BONGS” spray-painted on garage door
“North American Marijuana-Smoking Champion” trophy covered in Mardi Gras beads
Colorful objects
Wooden die-cut plaques that say “Bless This Mess”
Wooden die-cut plaques that say “I Don’t Give A Shit About Anything”
Dust bunnies
Framed photographs of vegetables
Old typewriters
An orgy
Nutritional yeast flakes
Children’s crayon marks on the wall
Sitar where the television should be
Unsorted cutlery in silverware drawer
Unsorted underwear in underwear drawer
Bar soap
Throw pillows
Foreign coins mixed in with regular coins in coin jar
Montessori-school pamphlets
“Native” rugs
Scented candles
Candles
Matches
No fire extinguisher
Stray LEGOS (see photograph)
Stray copies of the Oberlin Alumni Magazine
Feral dogs
Plants
An electric pencil sharpener
Once the sharpener’s housing has been smashed, you can trade your mallet for a smaller hammer (or hammers, as I have done here) to focus on detailed atomization of the device.
Using an electric pencil sharpener is unlike using a manual pencil sharpener in that there is no pencil involved. Because of this, there is no obvious terminus to the job, as you cannot refer to the progress of the pencil point as a guide. You should use your own judgment in deciding when to stop using an electric pencil sharpener. If you look at the scattered remains and catch yourself murmuring, “No way will that busted-ass piece of shit ever sharpen a pencil again,” it’s a good indication that you have satisfied the Platonic ideal of its utility.
STEP SEVEN: BAGGING THE SHARPENER
When I was a Cub Scout, I was taught to observe the rule: “Leave your camp site cleaner than you found it.” It behooves us to follow the spirit of these words in our use of electric pencil sharpeners, although leaving something cleaner than you found it is a logical and logistical impossibility, and, as such, may be ignored.
This is not to say we shouldn’t tidy up after ourselves. Decency requires us to collect and bag the electric sharpener—in addition to honoring the principles of fastidiousness and organization that animate our practice, it will go a long way toward convincing the homeowners that artisanal pencil sharpeners are a thoughtful breed.
Using your tweezers, collect the used sharpener and place its remains in a large transparent bag. If your utilization was a dynamic affair, with pieces flying about the room, you should take extra care to gather them all.
If you’re not sure if you’ve gathered all the pieces, try this simple test: Hold the debris-filled bag. Does it feel as heavy as the electric pencil sharpener did before you used it? If it does, you can be sure you’ve collected all the pieces. If the bag feels lighter than the intact sharpener did, there are pieces yet to gather. Gather them.
When the last piece has been deposited into the bag, seal it shut. Return the bagged sharpener to its original location.
I usually leave an explanatory note with the bagged remains for the benefit my unknown friends. I include my name and address in case they would enjoy further correspondence.6
STEP EIGHT: GETTING THE FUCK OUT
When your work is done you should return any tools, personal effects, or drug paraphernalia to their original locations. If you made use of the household’s kitchen, wash and dry your dishes.
It is now time to vacate the property.
If your exit is observed by neighborhood children, you may be able to buy their discretion by offering them a complimentary pencil sharpening (see Chapter 14).
1 Is it hyperbole to suggest that guiding a cedar pencil into the maw of the electric pencil sharpener is a degradation—the equivalent of coitus with an inflatable doll? The act may be a sexual one, but it’s not lovemaking. It is, instead, a simulacram of intimacy. And insofar as it represents the null set of seduction, it is dehumanizing.
2 From the store’s Wikipedia entry: “In the 1960s, Hammacher Schlemmer offered products that had never been available for home purchase, including a regulation-sized bowling alley and restored London taxi cabs.” The man who buys a bowling alley out of a box is a man to be slapped on the back of the head with great enthusiasm.
3 See Chapter 16.
4 It’s disheartening to note how many “computer nerds”—who so often complain about closed proprietary software and condemn restrictive end-user license agreements—are perfectly content to entrust their pencils to a device whose mechanics and engineering resist inspection and refinement.
5 It may help to tie a long string from the handle of the tool to the place from where it was taken, as a reminder of its proper location. A trail of pencil shavings also works in a pinch.
6 Although a gratuity is appropriate, I have found that modern homeowners rarely observe this protocol. Perhaps they’re too busy slouching towards Gomorrah to remember the decencies and kindnesses that bind our culture together—or perhaps they regularly misplace my name and address. Regardless, in my experience a follow-up courtesy call soliciting remuneration is rarely worth the effort.
Leaving through the same window you entered means you won’t have to damage a second one.
CHAPTER 14:
SHARPENING PENCILS FOR CHILDREN
EQUIPMENT CHECKLIST:
• Animal-themed pocket sharpener
• Candy
• Two pencils
• Children (not pictured)
CHILDREN ARE FASCINATED BY PENCILS, even if they don’t understand them. Opening the doors of your practice to young people allows you to de-mystify the work of a pencil sharpener. It also teaches children to value integrity, craftsmanship, and capitalist ingenuity.
Parents or teachers planning their next birthday party or school field trip would do well to remember the artisanal pencil sharpener. A rewarding time can be had by all, provided the children are not unruly and bring their own sandwiches.
STEP ONE: CHILD-PROOFING YOUR WORKPLACE
From the moment they cross the threshold of your workplace until the moment they leave, children’s safety is your responsibility. Before their arrival, take a few minutes to make sure your workplace is child-appropriate: Clear the area of pocket knives, box cutters, stray piles of pencil shavings, alcohol and other industrial lubricants, and any pencil sharpener worth more than two dollars.
If parents register concern about their kids visiting a professional pencil sharpener, you can put them at ease with a curt reminder that a pencil’s “lead” doesn’t contain actual lead. Their children may eat pencil shavings all day without fear of lead poisoning.
If their children attend an expensive New England private school, a casual mention of Henry David Thoreau’s career as a pencil manufacturer should lend the visit a patina of Yankee exclusivity that most parents will find irresistible.
If their children attend an under-funded public school, a casual mention of free pencils should suffice.1
14.1: COMMON NAMES OF AMERICAN SCHOOLCHILDREN
Bobby Margie Tori
Sammy Mindy Lori
Sally Frankie Laurie
Tommy Johnny Barry
Timmy Dougie Larry
Jimmy Ellie Carrie
Jenny Kelly Gary
Willy Mickey Harry
Wally Mikey Perry
Charlie Millie Percy
Chuckie Minnie Darcy
Mary Louie Ernie
Jenny Jamie Bernie
Betty Gordy Barney
Freddy Davey Robby
Ollie Abby Blobby
Holly Annie Billy
Nelly Jerry Jeffy
Polly Terry Dolly
Maggie Terri PJ
14.2: UNCO
MMON NAMES OF AMERICAN SCHOOLCHILDREN
Ziffy Beigey Truckie
Stumpy Snakey Paltry
Webby Hankie Poopie
Plinky Janky Pissy
Plunky Xander Threnody
Ghoulie Junky Musty
Knifey Dunkie Megatron
Slippy Barfy Jandek
Frozey Pantsy Zoogz Rift
Flubby Clockie Old Man
Murky Faxy
14.3: COMMON AGES OF CHILDREN
Three years old Four years old
Nine years old Seven years old
Eight years old One year old
Five years old Eleven years old
Ten years old Twelve years old
Two years old Six years old
STEP TWO: EXPLAINING YOUR PRACTICE
Once the children are assembled before your workbench, introduce yourself and explain that you will be sharpening a pencil for them in real time. You should reassure them that there will be no trickery involved in the events that follow—that you will point the pencil honestly, without the aid of computer-generated imagery, distracting sound effects, or market-tested emotional manipulation. These savvy consumers will appreciate your pledge of hardscrabble authenticity.
Next, show the children the pencil sharpener you have chosen for this “very special job.”
When working with children, I use a pig sharpener with a removable snout covering the entry hole—you sharpen the pencil by sticking it in the pig’s nose. (The pig’s digestive system has been replaced by a sharpening blade.) My experience shows that children respond well to this whimsical device, often losing themselves in an ecstasy of unguarded giggles for five to six seconds.
