How to Sharpen Pencils

by David Rees

  Insert the pencil into the sharpener. Raise your arms over and behind your head. Don’t be alarmed if you can no longer see the pencil and sharpener; this is because they are behind you. Sharpen as usual, making sure the shavings don’t fall inside the back of your shirt.

  To the casual onlooker, of course, it looks like you’re simply stretching your arms or adjusting your shirt collar. But the small, steady sound of a pencil being sharpened will complicate their theory and drive them to distraction: “Where is that sound coming from? Is somebody sharpening a pencil in here? All I see is a guy (or gal) stretching their arms or maybe adjusting their collar.”

  This is the time to turn around and reveal your behind-the-head handiwork to the bewildered company. A moment’s glance and they will understand everything.

  “How can he see what he’s doing? He must have ‘eyes in the back of his head!’ ”

  TECHNIQUE TWO: SHARPENING A PENCIL “WITH YOUR TEETH”

  Also inspired by Jimi Hendrix, this is a more dangerous technique that calls for focus and discipline beyond that of the behind-the-head move.

  When using this technique, take the precautions necessary to ensure that the sharpener won’t accidentally slip out of your teeth and down your throat. (Indeed, it is a testament to Hendrix’s own meticulous preparation and discipline that in all his years of playing guitars with his teeth, he never accidentally swallowed one.)

  Place a pencil sharpener between your teeth, biting down on it to ensure its stability while pressing against it with your tongue to keep it from slipping back into your mouth.

  Make sure the shavings-slit of the sharpener faces away from the mouth, so that shavings do not fall inward onto your tongue, as this could lead to panic and the accidental dislodge of the sharpener, leading in turn to choking and death. Sharpen as usual.

  You will notice that the gestural profile of this activity is quite similar to that of brushing one’s teeth, which suggests a further escalation of whimsy: If you share a bathroom with a loved one, you can stand in front of the mirror sharpening a pencil in your mouth at the time you would otherwise be brushing your teeth. When your partner enters the bathroom, he or she will likely say, “Oh, how sweet, you’re brushing your teeth, I love you”—at which time you can turn around, remove the pencil sharpener from your mouth and say, “All I can say is I’m glad you’re not my dentist!” or, “Pass the Colgate—FOR MY PENCIL!”

  After you share a laugh over the simple mistake, make love and ejaculate with maximum force all over the bathroom floor.

  TECHNIQUE FOUR: SHARPENING A PENCIL IN FRONT OF A CAR

  This is a subtle trick, but it rarely fails to amuse. I find it hard to do without smiling.

  Find a car and stand beside it, taking care not to touch it. After confirming your audience can see the car behind you, sharpen a pencil as usual.

  It’s difficult to say exactly why this is so appealing. Perhaps it’s the juxtaposition of the staid automobile with the dynamism of pencil sharpening. More likely it’s the combination of one horizontal form (the car) contrasted with a vertical form (you) holding a second horizontal form (the pencil); the mind delights in the strange mirroring effect in which horizontal forms of radically different sizes (car, pencil) are woven together by a vertical form that can smile and jump up and down (you).

  Whatever the reason, this novelty technique is guaranteed to produce a pleasant sensation in the viewer—indeed, they may recall the image with a chuckle for years to come.

  (A similar effect can be achieved using a bicycle, though it is less dramatic.)

  Another automobile-related novelty technique, not pictured here for legal reasons, is called “The Pencil Sharpening Drive-Thru Special.” In this technique, you must be inside a car. Order a meal at a fast-food restaurant drive-though, and then, as you pull up to the window to collect your food, begin sharpening a pencil behind the wheel—either using a pocket sharpener, or a handcrank sharpener you have affixed to your dashboard. “Oh hi there,” you say with a grin to the astonished drive-through window employee, “I’m just sharpening a pencil at your restaurant’s drive-through window.” A further grace note can be added as you see fit: “Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon … for my pencil?” or “Can I get fries with that shake … of my pencil?” (and here you shake your pencil), or “Does the humanoid accept pencil-shavings as money?” (and here you dump pencil shavings into your hand and offer them to the employee while speaking in a Martian belch-language).

  TECHNIQUE FIVE: SHARPENING A PENCIL IN A WATERFALL

  This is a dramatic trick, and rarely performed, as one of the necessary pieces of equipment is a functioning waterfall.

  When I was hired as the on-board pencil sharpener for a Caribbean cruise, I was determined to sharpen a pencil in a Jamaican waterfall, as this is one of the “holy grails” of novelty sharpening techniques. After all, people rarely associate waterfalls with pencil sharpeners, and the juxtaposition of these two phenomena is amazing.

  You will notice that I am not wearing my smock in these photographs. That is only because I had to climb the waterfall in order to reach the most picturesque spot, and didn’t want to risk losing my smock in the downward plunging force of the water.

  The attentive reader will also see that I am catching the shavings in my cupped hand. I never do this in my regular practice—I prefer to let shavings fall onto my workbench—but dragging a workbench into the waterfall presented issues that were beyond the scope of this project. (Needless to say, allowing the shavings to fall into the water was not an option, as the chances of successfully recovering them at the bottom of the falls were slim.)

  While sharpening a pencil in a Jamaican waterfall, it is appropriate to call out to passersby: “I am literally sharpening a pencil in a Jamaican waterfall!” as I am doing here.

  Here, as always, I stand behind my craftsmanship. The pencil, though damp, was sharp, and it would have taken a keen eye to notice any difference between this and any other pencil that has passed through my expert hands.

  Note: Regardless of the extraordinary circumstances in which you happen to be sharpening a pencil, it is incumbent on you to do the best job you can. Whether you find yourself in a waterfall, a runaway bus, or a cave, some part of you must still be sitting at your workbench, giving your pencil the close attention it deserves. Novelty, after all, is no excuse for lackluster craftsmanship. Indeed, if people begin to associate novelty pencil-sharpening techniques with substandard results, the entire enterprise could collapse in cynicism.

  TECHNIQUE SIX: THE MIND-BLOWER

  This is a relatively easy trick, but don’t let that blind you to the context in which it undoes one hundred years of tradition.

  Its novelty is due to the fact that most pencils are sharpened horizontally, whether via pocket sharpener, hand-crank sharpener or electric sharpener. There are some contemporary electric pencil sharpeners that require the pencil be inserted vertically, but those pencils are tooled with the point facing down.

  This technique’s lurid appeal is that you sharpen the pencil with the point sticking up.

  Start in the standard position for single-blade sharpening, with the sharpener secured between your thumb, index, and middle fingers. Onlookers and passersby will assume you are going to sharpen a pencil in the traditional manner; some of them may not even stop to watch.

  After capturing your audience’s attention with a phrase like, “Prepare for an inversion of all that is holy,” or “I’m about to straight skull-fuck your mind,” rotate your arms 90 degrees counterclockwise, so the hand holding the sharpener is directly above the hand holding the pencil, and the end of the pencil (though obscured by the sharpener) is pointing skyward.

  Sharpen the pencil by pushing gently up into the sharpener while rotating the shaft of the pencil in the traditional manner. Let the shavings fall to the ground.

  If this technique is performed with sufficient solemnity, the awed silence of the onlookers will be such that
you will be able to hear the sound of delicate cedar shavings landing on the ground like leaves in autumn. This will prime them for a lecture on the transience of life and the impermanence of all things, should you see fit.

  CHAPTER 17:

  MASTERING CELEBRITY-IMPRESSION PENCIL SHARPENING (CIPS)

  EQUIPMENT CHECKLIST:

  • Wigs

  • Costumes

  • Pencils

  • Pencil sharpener(s)

  DESPITE YOUR AUTHOR’S TIRELESS EFFORTS, live pencil sharpening does not yet enjoy the cachet of opera, professional sports, and other mainstream cultural spectacles. The aspiring professional pencil sharpener may have to be creative with his or her show in order to draw a crowd. Incorporating celebrity impressions into one’s practice is a savvy way to broaden its appeal. After all, who wouldn’t want to have a pencil sharpened by Al Pacino or I Love Lucy Woman?

  Investing in a wardrobe of costumes and used wigs will give you the freedom to impersonate any number of celebrities. In fact, some costumes can be usefully employed for multiple impressions.

  “Cher” / “Ramones”

  There are many occasions for celebrity-impression pencil sharpening (CIPS): Perhaps you have a new job and are eager to befriend your co-workers. Offering to sharpen their pencils while doing celebrity impressions allows you to break the ice and establish your reputation as a fun person. Your office-mates will laugh as you impersonate Jerry Seinfeld sharpening pencils (“What’s the deal with pencil sharpeners?”). They’ll love your impression of your new boss: “Marcy, did you file that report about how I fart all the time? FARRRT! Whoops, I farted on a pencil.” All will be charmed, securing you a bright future at your job.

  Most people think impersonating celebrities, like sharpening pencils, is a difficult skill requiring many hours of practice and discipline. In fact, I have developed a foolproof system that allows anyone to perfect any celebrity impression in a matter of minutes.1 If you can master the following elements, you’ll have no trouble impersonating whoever you choose, which will introduce further levels of dynamism and excitement to your pencil sharpening.

  IDENTITY SIGNIFIERS

  “David Lee Roth” / “Marilyn Monroe”

  It’s always appropriate to begin your impression with an Identity Signifier. An identity signifier is a sentence or two that underscores your identity for your audience. When I do my impression of hip-hop music mogul Jay-Z sharpening a pencil, I begin with these words: “Hey everybody, do you like pencils and also do you like impressions?” (Pause for murmurs of excitement.) “Well, here’s one … hey everybody, it’s me: Jay-Z.” At this point the crowd goes wild. Why? Because in announcing that I am Jay-Z, I have established my authenticity as Jay-Z, making my impression more powerful thereby. The audience now associates my Jay-Z identity signifier (“Hey everybody, it’s me: Jay-Z”) with my impression of Jay-Z, and therefore with the actual Jay-Z, as I present a totally immersive Jay-Z pencil-sharpening experience. Not only do I tell my audience I am Jay-Z, they hear that I am Jay-Z—especially in my voice when I tell them I am Jay-Z. The identity signifier prepares the audience for “the real Jay-Z”: Me. Why? Because I am Jay-Z now.

  Similarly, when I do my impression of the late public intellectual William F. Buckley, Jr. sharpening a pencil, I’ll begin: “Hey everybody, do you like pencils and also do you like impressions?” (Pause for whispers of anticipation.) “Well, here’s one … hey everybody, it’s me: William F. Buckley, Jr.” At this point the crowd cheers conservatively. Why? Because in announcing that I am William F. Buckley, Jr, I have established my authenticity as William F. Buckley, Jr, making my impression more powerful. The audience now associates my William F. Buckley, Jr. identity signifier (“Hey everybody, it’s me: William F. Buckley, Jr.”) with my impression of William F. Buckley, Jr, and therefore with the actual William F. Buckley, Jr, as I present a totally immersive William F. Buckley, Jr. pencil-sharpening experience. Not only do I tell my audience I am William F. Buckley, Jr, they hear that I am William F. Buckley, Jr.—especially in my voice when I tell them I am William F. Buckley, Jr. The identity signifier prepares the audience for “the real William F. Buckley, Jr.”: Me. Why? Because I am William F. Buckley, Jr. now.

  “Sir Edmund Hillary” / “Canadian Celebrity”

  A final example should make this clear: When I do my impression of a little baby sharpening a pencil, I’ll begin: “Googoo gaga, hey everybody, do you like pencils and also do you like impressions?” (Pause.) “Well, here’s one … hey everybody, it’s me: a little tiny baby.” At this point the crowd screams. Why? Because in announcing that I am a baby, I have established my authenticity as a baby, making my impression more adorable. The audience now associates my little-baby identity signifier (“Hey everybody, it’s me: a little tiny baby”) with my impression of a little baby and with an actual, real-life baby as I present a totally immersive tiny-baby pencil-sharpening experience in my diaper. Not only do I tell my audience I’m a baby, they hear that I’m a baby—especially in my voice when I tell them I am a little tiny baby. The identity signifier prepares the audience for “the real baby”: Me.

  “Olympic Medal Winner Michael Phelps” / “Nobel Prize Winner Vaclav Havel”

  Once you recognize identity signifiers, you’ll realize that people use them all the time, as these semantic bulwarks prevent our world from collapsing into a single undifferentiated mass. Whenever you introduce yourself to someone by saying, “Pleased to meet you, I’m David Rees” (or whatever your name is), he or she perceives you as David Rees and nobody else. This makes sense because you are David Rees (or whoever you are) and nobody else—your use of the appropriate identity signifier has established that. So much so, in fact, that others will now spread the word:

  Example 1: “What’s that person’s name?”

  “Oh, don’t you know? That’s David Rees.”

  “I guess that means he’s nobody else.”

  “I should say so!”

  Example 2: “Class, our hero’s name is David Rees. Can you think of anyone named David Rees?”

  ALL: “Yes, of course: DAVID REES!”

  TRIGGER PHRASES

  Along with a unique identity signifier, any successful celebrity impression requires one or more Trigger Phrases: spoken cues that trigger subconscious cultural, historical, and psychological associations about a particular celebrity. They operate on a deeper level than identity signifiers. The right trigger phrase can convince an audience that they are in the presence of the celebrity associated with that phrase—it literally “triggers” their response on a subconscious level, and no rational argument will convince them otherwise.

  “Count Dracula” / “Superman”

  Let’s take an example from the world of politics: Bill Clinton. This former president is beloved by Americans because of his silly voice and fat nose, but he also authored many famous quotes. These quotes now serve as efficient “Bill Clinton trigger phrases.” If I’m impersonating Bill Clinton, I’ll begin with: “Look at all these pencils I need to sharpen in the Oval Office! Oh, hello, I didn’t see you there—it’s me! Hey everybody, I’m Bill Clinton.” (Identity Signifier) I will then proceed to deliver various trigger phrases: “I did not have sex with that woman but I feel y’all pain.” (Trigger Phrase #1) “It depends on what’s the definition of ‘is.’ ” (Trigger Phrase #2) “Do the dishes, Chelsea.” (Trigger Phrase #3) After hearing me identify myself as Bill Clinton, and then proving my bona fides with authentic quotes from Bill Clinton, the audience has been triggered to believe they are in the presence of Bill Clinton: “I can’t believe the famous president Bill Clinton is sharpening my pencil!”

  Now that the reader understands the power of trigger phrases, he or she should devote a few minutes to memorizing ones associated with popular celebrities. (See Table 17.1.)

  LEARNING IMPRESSIONS PHONETICALLY

  “Star Wars Robot” / “Star Trek Robot”

  Perhaps the most effective way to master a c
elebrity impression is to learn it phonetically. Phonetics (the science of translating noises into English) reduces the myriad subtleties of the human voice to a standardized, easily digestible form. Memorizing the phonetic transcription of a celebrity’s voice is often quicker and

  17.1: TRIGGER PHRASES FOR CLASSIC IMPRESSIONS:

  “I don’t get no respect … I tell ya, I get no respect … I can’t get no respect …” (Rodney Dangerfield)

  “Well, well … there you go again … jellybeans … Russia … government is not the solution, it’s the problem of welfare queens driving Cadillacs …” (Ronald Reagan)

  “Let’s cook a chicken … let’s bake a cake … look at this slimy cheese … I’m cooking on TV … good Lord, I’m like eight feet tall!…” (Julia Child)

  “In Domingo Cristus … everybody stop having so many abortions … Summa Cum Laude … some of you are having twenty abortions per week … enough is enough … Happy Easter from the Magic Kingdom …” (the Pope)

  “The answer, my friend, is blowing on the wind … play me a song, you’re the Tambourine Man / play me a song toniiight … WHEE WHURR WHAAAH (harmonica solo) …” (Bob Dylan)