Losing the Field

by Abbi Glines

  We were all waiting for the hospital to release me. Dad had called a lawyer. I’d heard him talking to him. I hadn’t been driving, so it sounded like it wouldn’t be as severe as it could have been. They didn’t know what to say to this. I could apologize for my stupidity. But those were words. They did no good. They didn’t change anything.

  Haegan was dead. Mrs. Wise was dead. I had six stitches in my head, a broken arm, and some bruising and cuts. Nothing more. I’d walk out of here today. Life would go on. My parents were upset over the weed and the fact I could be prosecuted as an adult.

  I had just seen my friend die. Looked into his lifeless eyes. Saw a family grieving over a woman they loved, a woman they lost. I deserved whatever happened. I had lived. I wasn’t worried about what they decided to do with me. I had made a mistake that had altered lives.

  There was a knock on the door, and Ryker stepped inside. “They gonna let you out of here anytime soon?” he asked. He didn’t know about the weed yet. He probably had guessed it, though.

  “Yes, soon,” I told him.

  “You got a waiting room out there full of people. I told them you’d be getting out soon. No reason to come in here and visit. But Tallulah is out there with her mom. Thought you’d want to see her.”

  Tallulah.

  The reason I’d smoked the weed. That motherfucking kiss. If I hadn’t seen her kiss Coach D, I would have seen her tonight. I wouldn’t have gotten messed up, and Haegan would be alive. Mrs. Wise would be alive.

  “I don’t want to see her. She can go on home.” The words came out hard. Angry. I felt all three pairs of eyes on me. I didn’t meet any of them. I turned my heated glare to the window and wished I’d never met her. Never kissed her. Never spoken to her.

  “You sure about that?” Ryker asked, confused.

  “Yes, I’m sure,” I snarled.

  “Well, all righty then.” He was confused, but he wasn’t going to push me for a reason, at least not yet. The only other person who knew about the kiss she’d had with Coach D was gone. I held that information. No one else did. I had the power to hurt her and ruin him. But I wasn’t sure I could do it. Not because I was concerned for him. It was her. She’d be humiliated. She’d be faced with legal issues and questions. She would get attention she didn’t want.

  “Give us a minute, Ryker,” my dad said, standing up.

  Ryker nodded and went back out into the hallway. Once the door closed behind him, Dad cleared his throat to get my attention. I didn’t want to talk, but I turned to him.

  “The girl, is she into drugs? Is that how this got started?”

  I laughed. It wasn’t a real laugh. It was hollow, empty. “No.”

  “Then why are you so angry with her? The moment Ryker mentioned her, you tensed and changed. If she had something to do with this, we need to know. This is important, son.”

  I swung my legs off the bed and stood up to get away from him. I needed distance. I wasn’t talking about Tallulah with him. For now her secret would be her secret. It would be one that ruined me. Ruined many lives.

  “She’s a bitch. A lying, manipulative bitch. That’s all. But she’s never in her life touched weed or even a damn beer.”

  My mother sighed. “Then why weren’t you with her? Why did you have to spend time with that boy?”

  Hearing Haegan referred to as “that boy” felt wrong. Like his life hadn’t been important. Like it hadn’t made an impact. I loved my mother, but sometimes she only saw what affected her.

  “He was someone’s son, big brother, and he was loved by fans all over the world. He was a friend that helped me get out of a funk and taught me that I could find life outside of football. He was crazy as hell, did insane shit, but he was fun. So don’t call him ‘that boy,’ Mom. He was Haegan. Today I was listening to him laugh, plan a prank with chickens, and then I saw his eyes empty. Void. The life gone. Just like that. Just . . . like . . . that.” I walked over to the window and put both palms flat on the cool glass. There was a life out there. It didn’t stop because others died.

  It kept going, yet it wouldn’t be the same.

  “I didn’t mean he wasn’t important. I was just saying Tallulah was a better influence.”

  Shaking my head, I wondered what Mom would think if I told her Tallulah was making out with our literature teacher. What kind of influence was that?

  “Mom, I’ve smoked weed before. I didn’t know Haegan then. He didn’t force it on me. I am a big boy. It was a choice I made. A mistake that I can’t take back. It’s done, and I’ve got to live with it. Haegan’s family has to live with it. Pastor Wise and his family have to live with it.”

  “Nash! Son, when did you start doing drugs? We’ve taught you better than that. I trusted you. We both did.” My mother was upset over me smoking weed. Great. I got her problem with it, but there was a bigger issue.

  “I don’t think he’s confessing to being an addict, babe,” Dad said, trying to calm her down. “He’s just pointing out that Haegan isn’t to blame for this. Nash is grown. He made his own choices, and he is owning up to that.”

  Mom let out a sob, and he went over to her. Pulled her to his chest. My eyes met his, and I saw the disappointment there, but I also saw the relief. I was here. Alive. It could have been me. They weren’t saying it. But I knew they were thinking it.

  The door opened, and the nurse walked in. “We’ve got your release papers. Looks like you have a crowd waiting on you out there.”

  She was trying to be happy and upbeat. That was her job, I guess. But I didn’t want to go out and face any of them. I wanted to go home. Alone.

  “I don’t want to deal with any of that,” I told my dad.

  He nodded. “I’ll go clear them out.”

  “But that’s rude,” my mother said, looking stressed.

  Dad paused. “He needs time. He watched a friend die today. Give him some time. Being polite isn’t what’s important now.”

  Mom sniffled and nodded her head. “You’re right,” she agreed. “Send them home, but thank them for coming.”

  Dad had been planning on just that. I had no doubt. But Mom needed to say it anyway.

  When he left, the nurse started to tell me how to take care of my stitches, but I didn’t hear any of it. My thoughts were somewhere else.

  Everyone Needs Love, Tallulah

  CHAPTER 37

  TALLULAH

  Ryker was frowning as he walked into the waiting room. His gaze scanned the crowd until it landed on me. The frown grew deeper as he made his way toward where Mom and I were standing. I’d chosen a spot near the window. Away from everyone else. I needed air. They were all packed together, going over what they had heard or seen. I didn’t want to recap it. My stomach stayed in knots, and that made it worse.

  “Hey,” Ryker said, and shifted feet. He seemed uncomfortable.

  “Is he okay?” I asked, worried something had changed. Wishing I could see him just to reassure myself he was alive.

  “Yeah, uh, he’s upset. He saw Haegan, after he was gone. He saw it all. It’s haunting him, messing with his head.”

  I’d never seen someone die before. I imagined it was the worst experience one could go through. “Can I see him?” I asked.

  Ryker sighed, then shook his head. “No. He . . . he . . . doesn’t want to see you. He is angry with you. I don’t know what went down with y’all before all this happened, but he’s adamant that you leave.”

  I stood there confused and in shock. We’d argued a little about my helping Mr. Dace. It hadn’t been a real fight. I hadn’t left angry with him. Not that kind of angry. I was disappointed. But it hadn’t made me not want to see him again.

  “I don’t understand,” I whispered.

  Ryker shrugged. “Like I said. Not sure what happened, but he needs space and time. Can’t force him to see you if he doesn’t want to.”

  That was it? I was just supposed to leave. Go away and give him time. He didn’t want to see me. That knowledge made my alr
eady fragile heart crumble. Today had been one I would never forget and would have nightmares about for years to come. Mr. Dace, then the car accident, then this.

  “Let’s go, honey.” Mom’s hand was on my arm. I realized her small touch was much-needed support. I wanted to ball up on the floor and cry. About so many things. But I couldn’t. Not here.

  I nodded my head and let her begin to lead me away. But I stopped and turned to look back at Ryker. “I loved him, you know.” I started to say more and stopped. That was something I hadn’t truly admitted to myself. I had claimed I’d been in love with him most of my life, but until I got to know him, I hadn’t understood what really loving a guy meant. I did now. And even though his rejection was ripping me apart, I would forgive him. That’s what love did.

  Ryker’s expression was pained. He didn’t say more. I left then. Walked away not looking back. Not searching for signs of Nash in the hallway. Mom led me outside, where the sun still shined. The warmth of the afternoon was still heavy in the air. My mom’s car was there, parked where we left it. Everything was the same, but it was also very different.

  When we were both inside, she reached over and squeezed my hand. “He will regret this. But he is in pain right now. Ryker’s right. He needs space, and if he doesn’t see how you could help him heal, then that is his loss.”

  No. His loss was his friend. I was just a girl he was spending time with. Where I had fallen in love so easily, he hadn’t. He had been my first kiss. I had been one of his many. I understood it, yet it didn’t make it hurt less. This was a growing pain. Nash had taught me a lot. More than I realized I needed to know. Being invisible and alone with my books had been easier. I had hurt when I was made fun of or left out, which was daily. But I’d never felt this sharp pain in my chest. It made it hard to breathe.

  The saying “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all” didn’t seem true to me. I disagreed. I thought it would be easier to not know how it felt for your heart to break. There was no going back. I knew now.

  “He was the first boy I loved. I feel as if I will always love him, but this . . . this pain I will never forget. I understand now why you never married. When I was a little girl, I daydreamed about you meeting a man and how beautiful you would be as a bride. I’d get a daddy, and we’d have a family photo on the wall with a dog. A large yellow lab.” I hadn’t thought of that dream in a long time. I’d outgrown it years ago. “But I am glad you didn’t. I am glad it was just us. That your heart was never broken. That you were happy the way we were.”

  My mother sighed. I didn’t look her way. I kept staring out the window as we drove back to Lawton. I knew when I said it she wouldn’t like it. But it was true. She’d been smart to hide from love, to not try to find it.

  “Tallulah,” she said, her voice heavy with what sounded like regret. “That’s not how I want you to feel. I never married again because no man was the right one. I wasn’t looking for just me but you, too. If I were to fall in love with a man, he’d have to love you as his own. That would be the final piece to winning my heart. No man I dated was ever good enough to be your father. I had expectations, and not one man I dated met those. That’s why I never married.”

  She had hardly dated. I could remember only two men in the past she’d brought home to meet me. “You didn’t look very hard, then. Because you’ve only dated twice in my life.”

  Mom laughed softly. I turned this time to look at her. I didn’t know why that was funny. I used to feel sad for her. Worry that she was lonely without a husband. She didn’t take her eyes off the road. “Oh, sweetheart. Only two men made the cut to get to meet you. Out of the many, many men I dated, the two you met I went out with several times and trusted that they just might possibly be good enough for you. They were good men, or I’d never have brought them to meet you. But in the end I realized I wasn’t one hundred percent sure that they were what you needed. What we needed.”

  My mom had dated many, many men? What? “You dated how many men exactly?” I asked, still shocked by this news.

  She shrugged. “Gosh, I don’t know. Friends would fix me up on blind dates. Those never went well. I met other men at work. I had many dates that never made it past the first one. Dating for me was like an interview. I think it’s that way with all single moms. I wasn’t out there to fill some romantic need. I was looking for a companion. Someone that I’d fall in love with. Everyone needs love, Tallulah.”

  I never knew. I always wondered how my beautiful, fun mother had remained single. I couldn’t understand where all the men were. Why they weren’t sending her flowers and asking her out. All along she’d been dating. “So the man who gave the sperm that created me didn’t break you and destroy your belief in love after all?” Because that was what I had always thought.

  My mom smiled softly. It was almost wistful. “No. He didn’t. He taught me that life was hard. Not to trust easily and to be on guard. I was so young and naïve when I met him. Those were lessons I needed, and they were hard ones to learn. But I will always forever be thankful that with those lessons he left me with the most precious gift of my life. You.”

  She had told me many times in my life that my biological father gave her me so she could never hate him. But I hated him enough for both of us. Not because he didn’t want me. But because I didn’t understand how any man could not want her.

  It’s Time You Learned to Keep Living

  CHAPTER 38

  NASH

  Haegan’s funeral was in LA. My parents asked if I wanted to go. They’d fly out there with me. But I didn’t. There was going to be media there, crying fans, people who never even knew him. It wasn’t where I would say good-bye to him. Besides, I’d already done that as we’d been stuck in that car while they worked to get us out.

  The local news covered the funeral. I didn’t watch it. I couldn’t. I was having nightmares that would wake me up in a cold sweat. Then I’d lie awake, staring at the ceiling for hours, afraid if I closed my eyes I’d see him there. See his lifeless body. Hear the crunching metal.

  A week passed, and I hadn’t gone back to school. I also wouldn’t accept visitors. Ryker was the only one who got in the house. But he was family. I couldn’t keep him out. He talked a lot about shit at school, trying to get me to talk. To think about something else.

  Tallulah had been on my mind a lot too. I’d texted her a million times, then deleted it before I sent it. I missed her almost as much as I hated her. I wanted to ask Ryker about her. About Mr. Dace. If he’d seen them together. But that would make him suspicious. He’d want to know why I was asking. I waited to see if he said anything about her. He didn’t. Not once. He even told me about Blakely being suspended for being caught in the guys’ restroom giving Hunter a blow job in one of the stalls. Hunter had also been suspended, and a freshman would be playing quarterback at the game Friday night. They would lose. They all knew it, and I could tell Ryker was pissed. Hunter wouldn’t have it easy when he came back. The team would blame him for a long time over that loss.

  When Ryker walked in my apartment over the garage at his normal time as he did every evening, he announced, “Brett Darby has been sitting outside with Tallulah at lunch.”

  The first he’d spoken of her. I didn’t know how to react. I shrugged. I wanted to not care. But I did. Ryker dropped my classwork on the large leather ottoman in front of the sofa, where I was currently sitting, staring at the television but not watching it. ESPN was making their weekend predictions for college football scores. I never agreed with them anyway.

  It wasn’t Brett she wanted. It was fucking Coach D. Brett was stupid to think he could compete with a teacher. But then he didn’t know that was his competition.

  “Brett’s got a scholarship to UCLA for tennis. A full fucking ride. He’s popular. Girls like him,” Ryker went on as if I didn’t know any of this.

  “How’s the freshman doing at practice?” I asked, changing the subject to something I didn’t give a shit a
bout.

  “We’re gonna get our asses handed to us,” he replied. “Heard he asked her out Friday night. After the game.”

  He wasn’t letting it go. Damn his fucking meddling.

  “Can’t make a pass or what?” I asked as if he hadn’t said anything about Tallulah.

  “He’s nervous. Got a lot riding on his back. He can’t even remember the plays. It’s a disaster.”

  “Work with him. Calm him down. Y’all might still pull this off. Our defense is the best in the state.”

  “Maybe. Wish Brady was in town. He’d be more help.”

  “Call him. See if he can give you some pointers. Maybe he can talk to the kid and help him out.”

  Ryker nodded. “Good idea. He’s got a big game Saturday. I’ll text him to give me a call when he has a chance.”

  “The freshman was undefeated in junior high school. So it can’t be he doesn’t know how to play. He just needs work and confidence.”

  Ryker leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees. His gaze locked on me. The wrinkle between his brows meant he was about to say something I didn’t want to hear. “You work with him.”

  “Fuck no,” I replied immediately.

  “Why? You feel so confident he can do it. That is what he needs to hear. You go work with him. Talk to him. Coach him. He needs someone that thinks he can do this. I personally don’t.”

  “I wasn’t a quarterback.”

  “Neither am I, but you sure thought I could do it,” Ryker shot back at me.

  I had been trying to change the subject off of Tallulah, and now I had this. What the fuck was I going to do now? “I’m not in the right frame of mind to help anyone.”

  Ryker continued to frown at me. “I get that this was hard on you. It won’t ever go away. But it’s been a week, and it’s time you learned to keep living. Stop hiding out in this place. They’re buried. Mrs. Wise had a heart attack, Nash. Haegan didn’t kill her. She hit y’all when she had the heart attack. Her head fell forward and laid on the horn. They know all this now. No one blames you. There’s no reason to stay here, locked away from life.”