Love Is Forever Blue

by Donalyn Maurer

  “Okay, enough. Jaycee needs to rest.” he says and stands.

  “He’s right, honey. We’ll talk soon, Jaycee. Get some rest.” Captain Walters says and gives my shoulder a squeeze before he heads for the door with Sergeant Taylor following him.

  “Try to get some rest, Jaycee. I’m thinking Rocky means you no more harm but just in case, I want you to stay with someone at all times. You should be safe here. I'm going to alert hospital security to keep an eye on your room and when you get home, I’ll arrange for drive-bys every half hour or so.” Sheriff Cullens says and gently kisses me on the head.

  “I’ll be back in a bit, sweetheart. I need to make some calls and I’ll stop by the nurses' station on my way out and ask for more pain medication.” Dad says, sharing a look with Max before walking out.

  Before I can say anything to Max, he shushes me. “Love, later. Just rest.”

  Over the next few hours, Max and I doze off and on between the nurses coming in to check on me. The next afternoon, I head home with a prescription for pain pills and aftercare instructions. Other than a slight throb and feeling overwhelmed by what was shared with us by the police, I’m feeling okay.

  After some dotting by my grandma, Max takes me to the bathroom in our room. He turns the shower on and while the water is warming he begins taking my clothes off. After he undresses me, he quickly undresses and steps in, adjusting the water and shower head before pulling me in with him. He gently washes my hair and my body before washing himself. When he’s done, he pulls me to him, my back to his front and he just holds me. We stand that way, quiet, until the water starts to cool.

  He grabs a towel from the shower door and dries me off and then wraps me up tight and kisses me on the head and wraps me up tenderly. We walk back into the room and rather than trying to go through my clothes, he just grabs one of his shirts from the closet and puts it on me and starts buttoning it up. Once I'm dressed, he puts his hands on my hips but doesn't meet my eyes. I can’t take it. I need him to look at me.

  “Max?” I whisper.

  “No, Jaycee. Just, no.” he says, shaking his head.

  “Please, you’re scaring me." I say but he stays silent. Finally, I say what I know he needs to hear. I have to let him go. “It’s too much, isn’t it? Do you need to leave me? I don’t blame you, Max. I’m sorry.” I try to pull back as his head snaps up.

  “What?” His eyes search my face as guilt forms in his eyes. “Never ever, love.” he assures me.

  He pulls me to the bed and sits me on the edge while he walks over and grabs a pair of boxers and some jeans. He pulls them on but doesn’t button them before he kneels in front of me.

  “I’m not going anywhere. I...I just, fuck, I still hate him, Jaycee. I still fucking hate him but I feel so fucking sorry for him too. I keep seeing you in that hospital bed and hearing you cry when you found out you’d been pregnant. Knowing he raped you and I just don’t know. I still want him to fucking burn. I want the others to burn with him. I want him to take those bastards to hell and go with them; but I have a small voice telling me to fucking forgive him. Either way, I feel he’s always going to be a threat,” he finishes, confusion written all over his face.

  I slide from the bed and kneel in front of him and put my hands on his chest as I look up in his eyes and attempt to gather my thoughts before I speak. “For me, Max, I want so badly for him to have peace after hearing what he went through. For someone to heal his heart. For him to be rescued.” I can tell he still doesn’t get it. “Max, I was taught to forgive.” I bow my head before looking back at him.

  “I almost died at birth but I lived. I lost my mom but gained my grandparents. I almost died in that field but then I opened my eyes and saw you.” I push him till he falls on his back and I lay down on top of him.

  “Why would I hate him? I needed him to get to you. He was my path to you. Everything I’ve been through was so I could get here, right here.” I smile and touch his face as his hands go to my hips and squeeze. “I love you so much more than any hate I could ever possibly feel for him. I’d rather have my heart full of love for you than my head full of anger for him. I asked God in my prayers to take my anger from me and I’ve had peace for a while now. I still hurt and sometimes have a flashback, but I know in time they’ll fade. I know I saw something in him. Something good. He just didn’t know what or how to deal with it. It’s him that caused all this pain and harm but it may not be his fault. I see Lina and Lincoln Jennings and I know I saw bits of the same kind of good in him that we all see in them but that doesn’t mean I want him or love him more than I would any other child of God. It’s like people who steal food when they’re hungry. Do we fault them or show them compassion? Max, Rocky, he was starving for love and he took it. As he was my path to you, I feel we all were his path to somewhere better too. I know whoever he was before is there, but I’m still terrified of him.” I drop my head on Max’s chest. “Give yourself peace, sugar, love me more than your hate for him.”

  His hands tighten on my hips as we continue to lay there. Finally, he taps my hips so I raise up and straddle him. He sits up and I wrap my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist and lean in and give him a kiss I hope conveys how much I love him. He wraps one hand tight around my waist and with the other pushes up off the ground and stands.

  “I’ll try. Come on, love. Let’s sleep.” he pulls the covers back with me still clinging on like a monkey.

  I can’t help but let out a soft giggle before I tell him. “I was quite capable of getting up by myself, sugar bear.” I kiss his cheek. “But thanks for lift.” I joke trying to lighten the mood.

  He looks at me grim and serious. “He’s still out there, Jaycee. He’s unpredictable.”

  I give him a sad smile. “I know.”

  He looks in my eyes and gives a quick nod before laying down on his back and pulling the covers over us. I lay down on his chest and place my ear over his heart and close my eyes. Max starts to pray and I lie still asking God to hear him so he can have peace too. We fall asleep like that but when I wake up, he’s gone.

  When I wake up, I notice a soreness and slight throb still present so I softly brush my hair and teeth, throw on some jeans but keep Max’s shirt on. Even though it’s way too big I love it. I take the front tails tie them in a knot at my belly button before and grab my phone to call work. But first I walk into the kitchen, take down a mug and pour some coffee before searching for Max and Grandma. I find them sitting on the porch.

  I sit down next to Max and put my coffee and phone next to me on the table. He doesn’t say anything, but reaches over and takes my hand. After a few minutes, he finally looks over and smiles.

  “Good news,” he tells me.

  Grandma’s rocking chair squeaks as she gets up and start towards the door giving us privacy. Once she’s inside, Max gives me a small peck on the lips.

  “What?”

  “My enlistment is up next month and I’ve decided not to reenlist. Going to stay here all the time.” He looks back towards the front yard.

  Good news? This doesn’t seem like good news? I thought he loved his job. And he’s been in a long time just to walk away. He's doing it for me and I can’t let him.

  “Max, I have few conditions before we actually go through with our wedding.” I wait to be acknowledged. Once he squeezes my hand, I go on.

  “First, don’t lie to me. I know this is not good news.” His face fills with grief and sorrow. “Max, everything is going to be okay. I’m going to be okay. I grew up with military men all around me. I know the life and love the life. I always dreamed of being a military wife like my grandma and once we’re married that dream will come true.” He doesn’t respond for a few seconds but finally says,

  “I’ll have to leave. Deploy. I don't know how often or how long. There’s still a war. You don’t hear about but it’s still there. Soldiers getting hurt and killed. There will be times I have to go and that means leaving you,” he says somberly.


  “Max, they need you; I’ll be here waiting. You can’t leave the military. How long have you been in? Eleven years? You’re an E7, right?” I ask.

  He shrugs his shoulders.

  “Max, someone does not stay in that long if they don’t intend to make it a career. It’s only nine more years at the most. You’re almost there.” I crawl in his lap and he wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me close and resting his chin on my head as I snuggle into his chest.

  “I’m tougher than you think,” I whisper.

  “I know you’re tough, love. It’s just, I’m not.” He pulls me closer and I wrap my arms around him and hold him tight.

  I realize I’ll have to work on this. I don’t want him to give up on something I know he loves for something that may or may not happen.

  “It sucks but I have to go into work for a while and talk with my commander. I’m going to ask for an extension on my leave and talk to him about re-upping.” I start to say something but he shakes his head. “I’ll play it by ear. That’s all I can promise.” He sighs and stands us up. “Sheriff Cullens is coming over with one of his deputies to stay with you and your grandma while I’m gone.”

  As soon as he says that, I hear a car pulling up the drive. It’s my Aunt Paige and I’m guessing Callie is with her. When she stops her car, she gets out and waves at us.

  I smile and wave back and start to laugh when I hear Callie calling out, “Knuckle Max!” I smile wider because she’s the only other person besides me that calls him Max and I love that. After Aunt Paige gets her out of her car seat and sets her down, she runs to Max and he picks her up swings her to his hip. She does the thing she only does with him, she puts her little hands on the sides of his face and pulls it to hers. After she takes a deep breath to calm down she looks right at him, “Hi.” I watch as his eyes go soft like they only do for her. I can tell, Max to her is what my Uncle Duke is to me.

  “Hi, Princess,” he says as his eyes go even softer.

  We head inside and sit down in the living room as my grandma comes in with her purse and car keys in her hand.

  “There’s an emergency with some new choir robes at the church. Apparently the new ones are, ‘boring’.” she says using air quotes and babbling. “There are threats of boycotting this week’s service,” she says while looking in the bowl on the table by the door for her keys that are already in her hand. “Some of these women, I swear they wouldn’t be happy if you gave them one of the Queen of England’s robe to wear during the service.” She huffs and keeps looking as Max, Aunt Paige and I share a glance and grin. ”I mean its church for Christ’s sake, not the red carpet.” She starts out of the room, puts her purse down on the table and starts looking through it with her keys still in her hand. “There’s twelve of them up there sharing the spotlight for less than five minutes. It’s ridiculous. Their singing,” she shudders, “they all think they’re Maria Callas or someone. And Lord forgive me, but when they try to harmonize like they’re the Celtic women, they sound like a bunch diseased coyotes howling a death cry. Half the congregation leaves for the restroom when it’s time for the anthem, children and grown men cry, I just don’t know anymore.”

  We all watch and wait. Finally, she stills and pulls her hand out of her purse and lifts the one holding the keys and just stares of them. “They're driving me insane.” She throws up her hands and laughs. “Come here, sweetheart.” she calls out to Callie, who runs up to her. “I’ll be back soon and then we’ll have some ice cream, okay?” Grandma smiles as Callie lets out a squeal of joy.

  She picks her purse back up and then starts out the door but then stops again. She reaches for the top of her head and feels her sunglasses there, pulling them down. “I have some sanity left.” she declares with a smile as she closes the door behind her.

  As her car leaves, Sheriff Cullen's car comes up the drive. Max walks over to me and pulls me to him. “I'll only be gone a couple of hours, I hope. Just stay inside okay?” he tells me as he kisses me. He doesn't forget about Callie and makes sure to give her a peck on the cheek as well.

  Max walks outside and meets Sheriff Cullens and the deputy I've never seen by their car. The three men talk for a few minutes before Max walks over to where his bike is and hops on and drives off. Aunt Paige takes Callie into the kitchen and I can hear them talking about eating a good lunch before Grandma gets back and she has her ice cream. Sheriff Cullens and the deputy are still outside talking in low voices.

  Sheriff Cullens give the deputy a nod and starts up the front steps of the porch. My hand flies out and a scream catches in my throat as I watch the deputy pull his gun out, aim it at the Sheriff’s back and fire twice. He falls to the steps and blood starts to spread across the porch. My heart pounds out of my chest and I’m frozen in fear as I watch the deputy pull out his cell phone and make a call. As he’s talking, our eyes lock and he knows I've seen everything. When I hear Callie’s giggle come from the kitchen I finally come back to myself and realize he is probably going to kill me and probably them too. I know I can’t let that happen. I have to protect Callie and get help and then I remember the alarm. I slam the door shut and lock it, looking back out the window to see him shaking his head and laughing. I hit the emergency buttons on the alarm panel and then grab the house phone as I run into the kitchen where Aunt Paige and Callie at sitting at the table. Finding strength I didn’t know I had to try to save us I move to protect us till help comes and make myself focus and not panic.

  “Now! Get her now and let’s go.” I whisper yell and point to Callie. My aunt gets up and runs around the table and grabs Callie, pulling her close. Fear flashes on Callie’s face; she senses trouble.

  “What’s going on?” Aunt Paige exclaims.

  I grab her arm and start pulling her through the house. “The deputy. He shot Sheriff Cullens and then made a call.” I open my bedroom door and look around for anything to use as a weapon. When I see nothing I tell Aunt Paige “I’ve hit the alarm. They should be calling any second. Help should be here soon.” I reassure them. When nothing happens I bring the phone up and dial 911. I put the phone to my ear and when I hear nothing I close my eyes and start to cry but when I hear a tiny sniffle I look over at Callie and see she’s watching me and is starting cry too. I take a deep breath and try to reassure her with a smile before I turn to check the alarm panel, dread fills me when I find it dead. Shit! They must have done something to it too. Before I have time to process that, there’s banging on the front door and a man’s voice calls out my name. I push Aunt Paige and Callie into the back of the room where the closet is and push them in. I drop down when I hear more banging, getting on my hands and knees intending to crawl towards the kitchen and find a knife, anything to protect us.

  “Stay here!” My aunt grabs my leg. “No, Jaycee. Stay here with us.” she pleads.

  “Jaycee? I need to speak with you for a moment. No worries though. I didn’t come for you. I came for her.” he says and I can hear footsteps walking around the front porch. “Head around back. Check the windows and the doors. We don’t have much time. They’ll be trying to contact the sheriff and when he doesn’t answer, they’ll send back up.” He barks orders to someone else.

  I look back at Aunt Paige and she's shaking her head. “What’s he talking about? Me? He wants me?”

  “Jaycee, I need that adorable little girl. I won’t hurt her but I need her to draw out your dead boyfriend. You can have her back as soon I kill him for good,” he says.

  What the hell does Callie have to do with this? Aunt Paige pulls Callie close. Callie doesn’t know what’s going on but she’s caught on that she needs to stay quiet. She’s clinging on to my aunt’s neck.

  “Your cell?” She shakes her head.

  “I left it in the car.” Her eyes start to tear up.

  “Mines out on the front porch. We’re just going to have to protect ourselves and fight back until help comes,” I tell her. “If helps comes,” I say softly to myself as I look back at the doo
r. “Stay in here and close the door. You need to keep Callie hidden. I’m going to lock and close the outer bedroom door. I’m going to get a knife from the kitchen and I’ll be right back.”

  The words are barely out of my mouth before loud thumps sound from the front door. They’re breaking it down. “Now stay hidden in here” I say harshly and Aunt Paige’s eyes tear up as she holds Callie even tighter and squats in the very back of the closet. I look at Callie who has her face buried in my aunt’s neck and I lean over and quickly give her a kiss before turning, kneeling and leaving them. I’m terrified but I will do whatever it takes to protect Callie. I crawl past the windows and once I'm out of the room, I lock it from the inside. It’s not going to stop them from getting in, but it might buy us a little more time.

  I stand up and run as fast as I can to the kitchen and grab the biggest knife I can from the butcher's block and then run into my grandma’s room. If anything, I can try to draw them away from Callie. I push myself flush against the wall as I hear footsteps making their way from the back of the house to the front. Terror makes my head spin as the front door opens the sound of footsteps fills the otherwise silent house.

  “Jaycee, let makes this easy. I just need the little girl.”

  “Over my fucking dead body, asshole.” I say under my breath.

  He goes on. “I’m sure you know what’s going on by now.” His footsteps tell me he's getting closer and I grip the handle of the knife so hard my knuckles turn white. “Your boyfriend is going around killing people and I’m not really in the mood to die anytime soon and neither is my boss, so we need some assurance. That would be Callie.” he explains.

  Ha! I think in my head. I can’t wait for Rocky to find you and I hope makes you suffer. And what the hell does Callie have to do with this? She’s just a child. Why is he coming after a little girl?

  I hear a motorcycle in the distance. I’m relieved and alarmed at the same time. Max, I don’t want him to get hurt. But as it gets closer and closer, I know it’s not Max.