Love Is Forever Blue

by Donalyn Maurer

  Relief sweeps through my body when he finally speaks. “They’ll love her. Protect her. Give her the kind of family a child deserves. The kind of childhood we never had.”

  Nothing could prepare me for what he says. Never, would I have been prepared for his words. Disbelief and despair follow.

  “Daniel, there are some things you need to know,” he says with worry. “We both know why now, but things are still what they are and you need to know everything that went down after that day.”

  I thought I knew the level of destruction I caused to everyone but what little bit of humanity I had left in body evaporates and is filled with vengeance and hate when he tells me the one thing that destroys all that’s left.

  “Daniel, when Jaycee was recovering in the hospital, after you left her in the field, she found out something. I only know because I overheard Abigail tell Nick one afternoon when I was allowed to get out of bed and walk around. I walked down to her room to see how she was, when I overheard the three of them talking.” He drops his head for a few seconds before looking up and wiping his hand down his face. “Jaycee was pregnant, with your baby but lost it when…” he looks away from me without finishing.

  I stand and stare at him and then let out a roar that is so thunderous I’m surprised the walls don’t crumble and drop to my knees. I fucking killed my own baby. Jesus fucking Christ! I killed my own baby? For a few seconds my wall comes completely down and I find myself sobbing. Sobbing for my mom, Lincoln, my baby and Jaycee. Eventually I wipe my face, stand and walk over and grab my riding jacket and gloves from the table.

  “Daniel, what are you doing?” he asks while slowly standing. “You need to stay away from Jaycee. I’m sorry but she’s happy, really happy. Leave her be.”

  I know he’s right and it fucking kills me to know I can never have her. She hates me. I hate me and I will never be able to come out of the shadows. I owe her happiness and it breaks me even more to know that it’s going to be with another man. I saw it for myself.

  I couldn’t help it. I knew it was stupid when I walked into that restaurant. I just wanted one look at them, the woman I loved and the little girl I had just found out was my little sister. I had followed her grandma from their house to this place. I stood back in the shadows which have become my domain, watching as all her family arrived and went in. No one noticed me. Why would they? My hair is now down past my shoulders and I have a full beard. I look nothing like the clean cut son of a doctor I was just a few months ago. Now, when people see me, they walk the other way, scared. My outside finally matches my inside. Dangerous. Yes, walk the other way.

  I made my way in and stood at the bar watching Callie with the McGinty’s. She was beautiful in boots with a big bow in her hair. Her eyes, her eyes they were just like mine. I know I had to be smiling as I watched her wrap every single one of the McGinty men around her little finger. I watched one of the guys, the one with Abigail whisper something in Callie’s ear and then she giggled. He walked over like he was going to kiss Abigail on the cheek but then gave her a raspberry. Callie started laughing as Abigail wiped her cheek and slapped the guy’s arm. Then Abigail picked Callie up and pretended not to know she was about to do the same thing. When she did, she faked surprise and started laughing when Callie giggle and clapped her hands. I felt my chest get tight at the sight and sadden. He taught her something a big brother would teach her and I’m her brother but I’ll never share those things with her. I try to convince myself to be happy for her, for all of them. I remind myself who I really am, a monster.

  Then Jaycee walked in the room, looking beautiful and glowing. She was so happy. I smiled and my vision went blurry when she held up her hand and everyone started cheering. My baby, my Jaycee deserves this after what I did to her. My girl, and my sister, they both looked so happy. I stood watching for minutes or hours, I don’t know how long. I watched as she disappeared down the hallway with her sister and he was behind her. When he came out wearing the most fuckedup shirt, I didn’t laugh, I clenched my fists because I wanted to be wearing that dumb shirt. Her brothers were laughing and giving him a hard time and I wanted that to be me. A couple of seconds later Jaycee came out wearing a similar shirt only looking beautiful and Callie came over to them and he picked her up. They looked so happy. I was so caught up just staring that I forgot who and where I was till the glass dropped from her hand and shattered on the floor and I looked to see her staring at me. When Blue pulled from the glass, I made my way out, never looking back.

  “I’m not going to Jaycee,” I say as I start walking to the back door where my bike is parked.

  “Then what are you doing?” he starts walking over to me “Daniel, I just got you back.” and he steps up to me and puts his hand on my shoulder, “I don’t want to lose you again. We can go to the police. We can get doctors to testify how you were drugged. Get you help. It wasn’t your fault.”

  I see him swallow and his eyes tear. He doesn’t understand. The war is still waging in my mind. Just because I’m not raging at the moment, doesn’t mean I won’t or if I’ll be able to control it when it happens.

  “Lincoln, look at that list again. It has police, judges, doctors and politicians on it. I would never get a fair trial. I would never trust a doctor or nurse again,” I take a deep breath “I need to go.” and I step back and watch his hand fall.

  “Daniel, what are you going to do? Where are you going to go?” he asks.

  “Take all those papers and give them to the cop who shot me. As of right now, he’s the only one I trust.” I reach down and open the door and step out into the night and make my way to my bike and straddle it.

  “And you?” he says stepping out with me but staying on the deck and looking down at me.

  “I have some things I got to take care of.,” I say as I turn my bike key “then I’m leaving.”

  “Daniel, what things? Where will you go?” I see him tense up as he starts down the steps.

  I start the bike right as he gets to me. I look over at him with determination and revenge in my eyes.

  “I’m going to rain hell down on this town.” I say as I look at him. “They’re going to pay and I’m going to make sure our sister stays safe, I look away from him when I say. "Lincoln, I won’t be back. Don’t wait. Don’t wonder. Love Mom and Callie enough for both of us.”

  I turn back and give my brother one last look.

  He gives me a tight nod of his head. He knows if Callie is going to stay safe I’m her only hope. It strange to feel like I’m someone’s hope but I am.

  If you are concerned that someone you care about is experiencing abuse,

  please contact your local police department or call:

  1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

  Dennis—My prince, without your support, love and encouragement this dream would never had happened. I love you.

  Patrick, Regan and Julia —you are the most amazing thing that ever happened to me. I love you so very much.

  Jacob, Wesley, Marci Rae—I do this for you. Grandma loves you.

  My family—Thank you so much for your belief in me.

  San Antonio, Texas friends and family—I love you all. Thank you for your friendship, love and over-the-top support.

  My Virginia family—To my Fort Belvoir family, I love you so very much. Thank you for buying my book and all your encouragement.

  Cassia Brightmore—You’re awesome. Without your guidance and support this would not have happened. You’re brilliant, beautiful and have the best heart. Xo

  Judi Perkins—I’m not sure what to say because your gift leaves me speechless. You’re amazing.

  Lila Rose—I’m so grateful for your guidance and mentoring. You sent me in the right direction time after time. I cannot express how much the gift of your time and advice means to me. I’m so grateful.

  Debbie, Kim and Lisa—Ladies, you are awesome! Without your encouragement I would not be here.

  To my amazing Fort Belvoir Exchange Family—Ther
e was not a single person or a single time that I did not find love and encouragement from you. You were proud of me (I’m crying) and each time you told me so I was on the verge of crying happy tears. I’ve worked a few places in my life but never have I ever experienced the support and friendships like I have here. Not only by my department, but HR, management, other departments.

  Thank you

  To the author community for your inspiration—

  River Savage, Gillian Jones, Nicole James, Maria Skye, KC Lynn, L.S. Goulet, James H. Waggoner, Mark Greaney, Alex Shaw and so many others.

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  About the Author

  Donalyn Maurer was born and raised in San Antonio, Texas. She currently lives in a small town outside San Antonio with her husband of over 30 years. She enjoys spending time with her children and grandchildren and large Texas family. Inspired by her family she began writing and although her books are fiction she shares bit and pieces of her life and memories throughout the pages.

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