“Would you consider moving here?”
Rose’s eyebrows rose, surprise widening her eyes. “Really?”
“I think it would be safer for you to be here on the compound. And your boys are always welcome here. We could put you in Donovan’s old cottage, and they could stay here at the house when they’re in town.”
“I don’t know, Ash.”
“It would be rent-free. And you could keep your house or sell it…whatever works best for you.”
She shook her head. “You’re too generous.”
“You’re important to us here, Rose. We’re family.”
She nodded, a slow smile creasing her face. “I’ll think about it.” She touched my shoulder as she walked away.
I felt eyes on me and looked up to find Mina watching from across the room. She looked away as soon as she realized she was caught, but there was something there for that split second that made me feel…adored.
Stupid thought.
I turned back to the computer, but I couldn’t concentrate. I tugged the file out of its drawer and flipped it open, reading things I’d already read a dozen times before.
Alexandra Hamill, missing in action. Presumed dead.
Those words haunted me. If I closed my eyes, I could see her tugging up the zipper on the back of her designer dress, winking at me as she picked up her pocket book and headed for the door. I could hear her little giggle when I kissed her neck in the middle of a room full of terrorists and whispered for her to be careful.
I could even hear her last words to me over the comms.
Got what we need. See you at the rendezvous point, my love.
But when I got to the rendezvous point, she wasn’t there. I waited longer than I should have, risked detection by the enemy, because I couldn’t leave without her. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the idea that she might be lost. I wanted to go back. I had to find her myself. When they stopped me…I will never let anyone stop me from such a thing again.
There was a new note in the file. A couple of weeks ago, I’d gotten a call from the CIA agent who was Alexi’s handler. He’d told me some things, off the record, that corresponded with David’s file. The thing was, he was basically telling me these things to convince me, once and for all, to stop looking for her. I guess he was taking heat from the higher ups about my continuing investigation.
I didn’t want to believe him, but he was the one person in the position to know the things he’d implied.
“I thought you might need some more.”
I looked up, and Mina was there, the baby wiggling in his little cocoon, a cup of coffee in her hands. She’d caught on to my obsession with strong coffee rather quickly, though the cups she brought me were sometimes a lot better than the ones I made myself.
I slipped the mug out of her hand. “Thanks.”
“I’m gonna take Ford upstairs, if you need me.”
I watched her turn and head toward the stairs. I had this overwhelming urge to ask her to stay, but I didn’t act on it.
Once again, I turned back to my work and tried to concentrate while also listening for Mina and the baby to come back downstairs. I hoped she felt welcome here. I’d noticed her sitting back from everyone else when we gathered for meals. Donovan and Joss often tried to draw her out, and she spoke to them. However, I got the impression that she didn’t feel a part of them, of the friendship that had been three years in the making.
She would. Soon, I hoped.
“Ash,” David said, rushing across the room, his cell phone held out in front of him. “Joss is in labor.”
“Send a team over.”
***
We were all in a rush to get to the hospital—especially Kirkland, who arrived with a police cruiser following him—but Joss was in labor for almost twelve hours. By the time an exhausted Carrington finally came out of the delivery room, we were barely able to keep our eyes open.
“It’s a girl!”
And then the enthusiasm returned in spades, everyone laughing and oohing and awing over the newest member of our family. She had light-colored hair like her mother, and it looked like she’d probably have Carrington’s green eyes. McKelty, Carrington’s eight-year-old daughter—almost nine, she was quick to remind everyone—couldn’t take her eyes from the new baby. Every time someone new took the baby, McKelty would watch closely, making sure her baby sister was safe.
“What’s her name?” Rose was the first to ask.
Joss and Carrington exchanged glances. “Aidan, for my brother,” Carrington said.
“And Ashland, for Ash and Kirkland.”
There were a lot of looks exchanged around the room. Mabel had tears in her eyes as she approached Joss, who’d finally gotten the baby passed back to her.
“Aidan Ashland Matthews. What a beautiful name!”
And then there was laughter again.
I didn’t miss the way Donovan held Kate in his arms as they watched Carrington and Joss celebrate the expansion of their family. Or the way Kirkland and Mabel exchanged gentle kisses in the corner of the room, smiling up at each other as they whispered words of endearment. Even David and Ricki were content with each other, as they held hands and discussed the possibility of taking McKelty home with them for the night.
There is nothing lonelier than standing in a room full of lovers.
Rose came up behind me and laid her hand on my back.
“I remember these moments with my boys. There’s nothing like it.”
I made sure there was someone on Joss’ door, then drove Rose home. I was more than exhausted when I got back to the compound, climbing the stairs as if I had concrete on my feet. I was about to push the way through my door when Mina appeared at her own door.
“How’d did it go? Is Joss okay?”
I nodded, my eyes moving slowly over her. She was dressed in nothing but an oversized t-shirt that might or might not have been Donovan’s. It hung on her like an ill-fitting dress, only hinting at the curves I knew existed beneath it. Only her breasts were defined, her nipples hard as she studied me from across the hall.
“She had a little girl. Eight pounds, two ounces.”
“Wow, big baby.”
“The father’s a lot taller than Joss.”
We stood there awkwardly for a moment, neither of us quite sure what to do next. But then she crossed toward me, her hand brushing against my jaw.
“You look exhausted.”
“I am.”
I wrapped my fingers around her wrist, tugging her closer to me for a moment. She was warm and beautiful, and she smelled like lilacs and roses. She touched my shoulder, her fingers brushing the side of my neck, setting off little explosions along my nerve endings. It’d been far too long since I was last touched with any sort of affection by a woman. I could easily allow myself to get lost in her touch, in the feel of her fingertips against my flesh. And when she rose up on her tiptoes to brush her lips against my bottom lip…I wanted to feel her, wanted to know her. But this wasn’t right.
I stepped back, nearly causing her to fall from the suddenness of my movement.
“You should go to Ford,” I said.
I slid around her and disappeared into my own room, feeling vulnerable all of a sudden, as if I’d just exposed all my secret thoughts to the woman I left standing in the hallway.
I wanted her. But it wasn’t right. She had a kid and a future she needed to focus on. I couldn’t give her what my touch might imply. I couldn’t give her the hope of a future together, not as long as I was still committed to Alexi. And I would forever be committed to Alexi.
Chapter 12
Mina
“If you’ll climb on the table, we’ll have a quick look, make sure everything’s healed properly.”
I hated this part. The nurse released the stirrups from their hiding place and helped me put my feet properly in them as I lay back against the pillow that was always too flat and too hard to be of much value. I closed my eyes and thought of Ash out in the
waiting room, all the other patients swooning over the big man cooing at my dark-haired baby boy.
Ford was six weeks old now. Time passed so fast!
He was growing more and more aware of the world around him. And his neck strength was impressive. He was always trying to lift his head, to look around. He loved when Ash picked him up, though Ash would only touch him when the three of us were alone together. Rose doted on him like any grandmother might, and David occasionally stole him away and cradled him in his arms while he worked at his computers.
They adored Ford almost as much as Joss’s four-week-old daughter. However, I wasn’t too sure what they thought of me.
I was building up a little bit of savings with the paychecks Ash sent to my PayPal account every two weeks. I could probably afford a little apartment soon, but I wasn’t in a hurry to move out. And Ash didn’t seem to be in a hurry to see us go. He adored little Ford.
“Have you discussed birth control with your husband?” the doctor asked, as he finished up his exam. “You’re breastfeeding, so I wouldn’t recommend the pill. But anything else…”
I hadn’t even thought about it.
***
Ash looked up expectantly when I came out of the office.
“Everything okay?”
“He says I’m in good health.”
“Great.”
He pressed his hand to the small of my back after he scooped up the baby in his car seat and led the way out to the car. He was always doing little things like that. Touching my back to lead me, holding my hand to offer comfort, brushing pieces of hair from my face so he could see my eyes when we talked. But I didn’t touch him. The one time I did, he brushed me off.
Ash popped the baby’s seat into its base, a pro at it now, and then handed me my seatbelt.
“How about some lunch?”
“You don’t need to get back to the office?”
“No. Not right now.”
He was more relaxed these last few days than he’d been after Kirkland was shot. I think the fact that no one else had been hurt made him feel easier about things. But I…I knew it wasn’t over. Far from it. Dimitri was just distracted by something else.
He took me to an intimate Italian place and ordered water out of respect for the fact that I couldn’t drink. He was always thoughtful that way. I picked at a breadstick, my thoughts bouncing all over the place. The guilt of hiding the truth from him about what was happening to him and his friends was threatening to drive me over an edge. However, the idea of being without his protection for Ford was even worse.
“You seem distracted,” he said after we’d ordered. “Are you sure the doctor said everything was fine?”
“I’m sure.”
The baby fussed. I carefully took him from his seat and cradled him against my shoulder.
“Do you want to hold him?”
Ash shook his head, glancing around the room, as if he was afraid someone he knew might see us together. “He’s probably hungry.”
“He’s always hungry. The pediatrician said that’s normal, but I can’t imagine where he puts it all.”
“He’s a growing boy,” Ash said, almost prideful.
This incredible desire rushed right through me, this need for Ash to be Ford’s father. The thought had crossed my mind once or twice—well, really, more than that—but I didn’t let myself indulge it. What was, was. There was nothing I could do to change it. However, Ford so deserved someone better than his biological father. And he deserved more than I had in my own father. He needed a man like Ash, a man who could protect him while, at the same time, teach him how to protect himself. He needed a good, generous man as a father, someone who would love him unconditionally. He needed someone much better than I could ever be, or could ever give him.
He needed Ash.
When I looked up again, Ash was watching me.
“Something’s on your mind.”
I shook my head, but I was fooled by my own emotions. My eyes welled up with tears. Ash immediately came around the table, pushing me over on the bench with a push of his hip.
“Talk to me.”
“What can I say that you don’t already know?”
He slipped his arm around me and watched over my shoulder as the baby pushed at the blanket I’d put over him as he nursed. Ash was so close my entire body seemed to be aware of him, aware of his scent and his heat, of the strength just under the surface of his body. I wanted to lean back into him, to let him encircle me in his arms and protect me from every danger that might now, or sometime in the future, come for me. But I couldn’t.
I wouldn’t.
“Everything’s okay. You’re safe. Ford’s safe. I won’t let anyone hurt either of you.”
“And when we leave? How will you protect us then?”
“You don’t have to leave any time soon, Mina. I was serious when I said you could stay as long as you wanted.”
“I know, but it’s already been six weeks.”
“So? You and Ford brighten the place up. Literally and figuratively. I don’t think the house has ever been as clean as it has been since you arrived. And just having a new life in the house seems to have had a calming effect on everyone. Even Kirkland.”
He touched the baby, sliding his hand over the spot in the blanket where his head was. The movement caused him to wrap both arms around me. I closed my eyes and imagined how it would feel if there was no baby, if there was just him and I, and nothing else mattered.
I did lean back a little then. And he didn’t pull away.
That was progress.
Chapter 13
Ash
I sat in the window for a long time after everyone left, but for once I wasn’t thinking about Alexi. I was thinking about Mina.
It bothered me more than I wanted to admit when she made that comment the other day about leaving. It hadn’t occurred to me that she might be thinking about what came next. I mean, I set up the PayPal account and everything so that she could afford to get a place of her own someday, but I guess I thought that day would be sometime in the distant future. Not now.
I liked having Mina and the baby in the house, liked our middle of the night conversations—even though Ford was beginning to sleep through the night now. I liked looking up from my desk and seeing Mina cleaning in the kitchen or fussing over the baby or helping Rose with whatever tasks she had to give her. And I liked knowing that she was right across the hall when I couldn’t sleep and felt the crushing reality of loneliness.
But she wasn’t my girl. And that baby wasn’t mine.
Alexi was still out there somewhere, dead or alive. That was my reality. Not Mina.
I crawled into bed a little after one, listening for the baby, but not hearing a sound. I thought I’d lie awake for hours, just listening, unable to shut my brain off, but I slipped into sleep with almost no effort. That’d been happening a lot lately. Maybe having Mina near…
I was dreaming, and I knew I was dreaming. Alexi was in the shower, the weak stream of water barely strong enough to wet her hair all the way through. I came up behind her and slipped my arms around her, my hands splaying and sliding down her belly. I wanted her, needed her, even though we’d just satiated our need a few hours before. There was something in her eyes when I turned her around, tears on her cheeks. But I chose to ignore it, hoping it was just nervousness for the upcoming operation. I could feel her hands on my body, could feel the way her fingers felt as they danced over my skin. I was inside of her, and it was all so damn familiar! She was the woman I loved, the woman I wanted for always at my side.
But when I pulled back, it wasn’t Alexi’s face I saw.
I sat up, and the movement yanked me out of my dream. I was breathing hard, my chest constricting. I closed my eyes and tried to gain control again, but I felt a hand touch my bare shoulder with just the lightest touch.
Instinct kicked in. I grabbed wrists and jerked, pulling a body onto the bed in front of me, pinning the shoulders to the mattr
ess. It was dark. I couldn’t tell who’d come into the sanctity of my bedroom without permission, but the soft, mewling sound she made slowly penetrated my mind.
“Mina?”
“You cried out in your sleep. I came to see if I could do something…”
“You shouldn’t have done that. I could have hurt you.”
“I’m sorry, I just…”
There were tears in her voice. I hated myself when I heard them. I knew her history; I knew she’d been hurt. Yet, here I was, hurting her again.
I took my hands from her and started to climb out of the bed, but she stopped me with the slightest pressure of her hand on my arm.
“Please,” she whispered softly, “let me help you.”
I opened my mouth to tell her I didn’t need help. I was the one who always took care of everyone else. I was the one who protected everyone else. No one needed to help me because I was in control. But even as those words formed in my mind and touched the tip of my tongue, I knew they weren’t true. Not completely.
I touched her face, my heart stuttering in my chest when she leaned into my touch. She was so beautiful, so full of life. And I felt like life had left me in the dust a long time ago. I needed her. It was as simple as that. Even my subconscious knew that.
She watched my eyes, watched my face, my body, waiting for some sign. But I couldn’t…I couldn’t move. But she could. She slid closer to me and slowly, cautiously, crawled into my lap. She ran her hands over my head, pushing it back so that she could look me in the eye.
“I want to make you feel good,” she whispered. “I want to give you just a little of what you’ve done for me.”
“I can’t,” I said, even as my eyes slid closed. “I can’t give you and Ford what you need.”
“What more could you possibly give us?”
I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulled her close to me, and grunted a little as her hips pressed against mine. I buried my face against her shoulder and breathed in the scent of her, loving the way she moved her hips again, pressing her body hard against mine. My cock…it’d been so long! My body screamed for release, every nerve screaming for more, for more of her touch.
ASHFORD (Gray Wolf Security #5) Page 6
