In the Wind

by Lilliana Anderson

  I couldn’t help but giggle. I enjoyed her frankness and felt grateful for the distraction. “It could be a fish,” I told her, holding up my finger to connect the dots.

  She leaned in close to follow my path. “Ahhh, but those two stars aren’t a part of it. It goes like this.” She traced with her finger then turned to look at me, her eyes dark but sparkling in the dim light of the bonfire in the distance. “Do you see?” Her rum sweetened breath washed over my face, and honestly, I didn’t mind. I simply smiled and nodded.

  “Yeah. I see,” I whispered in return, my head buzzing from the alcohol we’d already ingested.

  She tightened her arm around mine, and for a moment, we continued to smile at each other, and it was nice. It felt as though we were the only people there, and all of the noise around us didn’t enter my ears.

  “Zeke. I didn’t think you’d come.” Olivia interrupted our stargazing, bringing the world of eighteen-year-olds, bad guitar playing, alcohol and bonfires to full life around us.

  “I said I would,” Zeke responded.

  She stopped in front of him, looking up as he ran his hand through his hair, pushing the long strands back from his face, revealing those liquid black eyes of his that seemed to contain the universe in the right light. I watched Olivia react with an interested smile as she reached out and took him by the hand.

  “I’d like to show you something,” she said. “Your friends will be fine without you for a moment.” She didn’t even look at us as she said it, and Shea and I looked at each other with our eyebrows raised.

  “Go on, Zeke.” I couldn’t stop the laughter coming out in my voice. “She wants to show you something.”

  Shea giggled. “You’d better go see what it is, Zeke. It sounds very important.”

  Giving us a look that said he thought we were being childish, Zeke still chuckled along with us as he allowed Olivia to pull him away.

  “We’ll be fine here!” Shea called after him, earning us a broad smile before he turned away. “Do you think she wants to show him her vagina?”

  “Fuck off,” Olivia shot back at us, and I almost choked on my laughter.

  Shea opened her eyes comically wide then took me by the hand. “Let’s go and meet some toads.”

  ***

  “I’m surprised.”

  “Surprised?” One of the Wannabes stood not far from me, letting the incoming tide creep up our legs. Dan was his name. I knew him from Hargrave High, same as everyone else. He knew me too, same as everyone else. And, just like everyone else, he’d never had any time for me. But he was drunk. And I was drunk. And we were alone.

  “Yeah. You’re actually kind of fun.”

  A laugh bubbled out of my throat, its edges laced with sarcasm. “Kind of fun,” I repeated, kicking my bare feet in the water as it rushed between my toes, foam spinning, ripples reflecting the moon. The sky was so bright.

  “I mean it in a good way.”

  I tipped a bottle of beer back, the liquid now warm as I swallowed it down, adding another layer to my intoxication. I looked up at the sky, the stars streaking and joining from my depressed vision as I heard the chatter and the laughter behind me while wondering what made me so ‘fun’. I hadn’t done anything particularly amusing. Most of my night had been spent drinking with Shea and laughing at her dancing to bad guitar music as if she was in a nightclub. I’d laughed at her until my sides hurt. But, it stopped being so funny when a couple of guys joined her, their hands roaming her body while she let them. She didn’t even know them and she actually let them touch her. Things got a little more intense when she turned to the one behind her and starting kissing him with her fingers twisted in his hair. The guy in front joined in, his lips on her neck, his hands on her waist. She shifted between them, and I wondered what the hell she was thinking. She didn’t even know them.

  Swipe left. Netflix and Chill… Bonfires and fucking. I guess that’s just how it was. I seemed to be the only one who didn’t think it was cool.

  I’d turned my attention to searching the gathering for Zeke. He’d been gone a long time, and sitting there, trying not to pay too much attention to the display going on in front of me, I began to feel strange about what he could be doing. The thought of him doing anything even remotely sexual with Olivia literally turned my stomach.

  ‘Come and dance with us, Dawn.’ I’d looked up at the sound of my name. Shea was beckoning me over as the guys continued to kiss her wherever she allowed.

  That’s when I shook my head, picked up my half empty bottle of beer then headed toward the water, my eyes on the moon as it cast a long streak of pale yellow over the calm ocean.

  “Do you maybe want to go for a walk?” Dan asked, moving closer to me.

  I watched my feet, wiggled my toes, my feet sinking into the sand slowly.

  “Not particularly. I’m fine right here.”

  I wasn’t so drunk that I was going to go off and get groped in the dunes by ‘Dan the man’. No way. I turned around and looked again for Zeke, and saw Shea holding hands with the two guys and leading them up the beach. The sight made my chest twitch in this weird uncomfortable way.

  “You know, I’ve heard the rumours about you.”

  I turned my attention back to Dan. “Which ones. There seem to be quite a few out there.”

  “The one about you doing…favours.”

  “Favours?”

  “Yeah. Favours.” He moved closer again, the distance between us small enough that I could hear his breathing and make out every word as he lowered his voice so no one else could hear. “I have money. And I’ve been thinking all night what a nice shade of lipstick that is. It will look real sweet around the shaft of my…”

  My hand flew up and connected with the side of his face. “Shut your mouth.”

  His face twisted in anger as he realised we’d attracted an audience.

  “Is everything all right here?” It was Zeke’s voice. Thank god he was still there.

  “This guy thinks I’m some kind of whore. He just offered me money to suck his dick.” Pulling my feet free from the sand, I shifted to stand near Zeke.

  “Is that true?” he directed at Dan.

  Dan shook his head, looking concerned as Zeke seemed to grow an extra foot in height in his anger. “She doesn’t know what she’s saying. She’s drunk. She heard wrong.”

  Zeke’s arm shot out, and he grabbed Dan by the front of his t-shirt then growled in his face. “Don’t. Ever. Talk. About. Her. Like. That. Again.”

  When Zeke released him, Dan stumbled backward, almost falling into the water.

  “Let’s get out of here.” Zeke put his arm around my shoulders, and we began to walk back up the beach.

  “You can’t blame me. Everyone knows she’s a slut.”

  Within the blink of an eye, Zeke spun around, his fist clenched as it swung through the air and connected with Dan’s face. Dan went down, splashing in the water like the sack of shit he was.

  But, it didn’t stop there. Zeke hauled him back up, his legs dangling as Zeke growled into his face. “Say it again, cunt.”

  “Zeke!” I gasped, covering my mouth in shock. I’d never seen Zeke angry before, let alone raise his hand to anyone then insult them with the worst word in the human language. He sounded so…so vicious.

  Immediately, Zeke released him, giving Dan a light shove before he turned around and stalked up the beach.

  I ran behind him. “Zeke.”

  My feet pushed through the sand, slipping and making it hard to catch up. His shoulders were tense, his fists still tightly clenched, and he didn’t look back. He didn’t pause. He just kept going.

  “Zeke!” With my breath heaving, I lunged for him and grabbed his arm, finally catching up before he made it to the pathway that lead to the road. He stopped and turned to face me as I leant on my knees, trying to catch my breath. “Where are you going?”

  “Home,” he stated, his voice flat and edged with annoyance.

  I gestured to his
feet. “You don’t even have your shoes.” I didn’t have my shoes either. They were back near where I’d been sitting with Shea before she went all dirty dancing threesome on me.

  He looked down. Then all at once, the tension left his body and he sank to the sand, his long legs bent as he rested his elbows on his knees and looked down, his hair a dark veil over his chiselled face.

  “We shouldn’t have come,” he said as I sat down next to him.

  “Bonfires aren’t nearly as fun as they seemed from my bedroom window,” I added as I rested my head on his shoulder. He shifted and slid his arm around me, hugging me to his side.

  “Or what they seem on TV.”

  Chuckling slightly, I sat up, feeling his arm drop from my shoulders to the sand. “You certainly showed Dan.”

  He glanced at me through his hair, his brow furrowed. “He shouldn’t have said what he did.”

  “No,” I whispered, looking into his eyes, my heart beating like a hammer in my chest. I’d been alone with Zeke so many times before now, knowing how I felt about him, but never doing anything about it for fear of ruining our friendship. But, there was something different about this time. Perhaps it was because he’d just defended my honour. Perhaps it was because I’d witnessed a kiss-orgy earlier. Perhaps it was because I was jealous about the attention he’d given to Shea and then to Olivia. Perhaps it was just me trying to do something that scared me, and jumping, headfirst into the thing that scared me most. But, I couldn’t stop my eyes from going to his lips. I wanted to kiss him.

  I wanted to kiss him desperately.

  “Zeke.” I kept my voice soft as I reached up and swept his hair to the side, revealing his beautiful eyes that contained a whole range of emotion – anger, frustration, worry…interest? I leaned toward him. Closer. Closer.

  His eyes dropped to my lips.

  Closer.

  A sharp intake of breath.

  Closer.

  I allowed my eyes to close and felt the softest brush of his lips on mine.

  “Dawn. What are you doing?”

  I pulled back, alarmed, my face suddenly feeling overwhelmingly flushed as I saw the wide confusion in his eyes.

  “Oh god. I’m sorry. I’m…”

  Quickly, I stood, backing away as I shook my head. I wanted to disappear, or at the very least rewind time. I’d just tried to kiss the guy I’d been in love with since I knew what the word meant. And he rejected me.

  “Dawn.” He stood, his voice filled with something that sounded a lot like pity. Horrible, embarrassing pity. I didn’t want his pity. I didn’t want him feeling sorry for the awkward girl with the large eyes and big mouth. I didn’t want him feeling sorry for me because I wasn’t what he wanted. I didn’t look like the ideal. I didn’t look like Shea or Olivia, or even my mother. But I’d been OK with that. I’d been fine with it until that moment – the moment when I felt completely undesired by the one person I desired most.

  I held my hand out, not wanting him to follow or say anything else. “Don’t. Please. Just…just blame it on the alcohol. Forget it ever happened.” Then I turned and I ran, somehow moving through the sand with a grace I hadn’t possessed earlier.

  I ran. I ran and I cried, snot, slobber, heaving noises. It was terrible. When I stopped, I found myself in the car park of The Palms Hotel. I didn’t even realise that’s where I was headed. I stood at the edge of it, where the beach met the concrete, and I looked back expecting to see Zeke but seeing nothing but a dark grey beach and blackened sea. My breathing stuttered in my chest, and I brought my hands up to cover my eyes as I sobbed from my loneliness.

  “Dawn?”

  7

  “Dawn, what happened? Where are your shoes?” Luke moved across the asphalt toward me. “Are you hurt?”

  I wiped at my cheeks and shook my head, feeling glad that I’d invested in waterproof makeup. “No. I’m just drunk and embarrassed.”

  His concern grew as his green eyes searched me for any sort of damage. “Where’s Zeke and your new friend?”

  I looked over my shoulder. “On the beach somewhere I guess.”

  An expression flitted across his features that spoke of his displeasure.

  “Oh, it’s not like that. He didn’t ditch me.”

  He studied me for a moment, and I had a feeling he didn’t believe me. “Do you need me to take you home?” he asked, lifting his hand to brush a loose strand of hair away from my eyes.

  I nodded then sniffled. “Yes, please.”

  “Wait here, I’ll get the car so you don’t have to walk over the gravel. There might be glass.” His voice was soft as if I was some sort of wounded bird that he needed to be careful with. And as I watched him walk to his car, I took a deep breath to calm myself down. Trying to kiss Zeke wasn’t the end of the world, right? It was just…

  My breathing stuttered as my emotions caught, and I realised it was just the end of a dream, a dream where we left Hargrave Cove together and while navigating our path away from all we knew, he’d finally see that he was in love with me. Zeke would finally see me. And he’d think I was beautiful because he knew my soul…

  I felt so stupid.

  Luke’s car pulled to a stop and idled beside me, and before I reached out, I took one last look over my shoulder. There was a figure there, shrouded in the dark. My breath caught. I knew it had to be Zeke, and I waited for a few beats to see if he’d come closer. But he didn’t. He stayed back then disappeared. So I got in the car, disappointed all over again.

  I’d ruined everything.

  “You sure you’re OK?” Luke asked as I slid into the seat beside him.

  “I’m fine. Honestly,” I assured him, raising my hand to close the open sun visor that was unnecessary in the night sky. Although my hand stalled as I caught my reflection in the mirror. No wonder Luke had looked so worried about me. My dark eye makeup was streaked down my face and smudged around my eyes, and my lipstick had somehow managed to smear to the side as well. I looked like I attempted to make myself up like Pierrot the clown and failed miserably, using watercolour instead of face paint. “Holy shit. It was supposed to be waterproof.”

  Luke pulled out of The Palms parking lot and glanced at me briefly as I tried to rub all the evidence of my tears off my face. I could feel the worry emanating off his body.

  “There’s a backpack behind your seat. There are some Wet Ones inside it.”

  Thanking him, I reached back and dislodged a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles bag from the car floor and pulled it onto my lap. Inside it was a spare change of kids clothes, some colouring books and crayons, action figures, and picture books, along with the wipes. It made me smile. Luke was obviously a very good dad. He’d thought of everything.

  While we drove along the darkened street, Luke kept looking at me as I cleaned up the mess off my face.

  “Stop worrying, Luke. I’m fine, I swear. I was just stupid.”

  “Don’t call yourself that, Dawn. You’re the smartest girl I’ve ever known, and whatever happened doesn’t make you stupid. It just makes you human. None of us are perfect. Even the ones who seem to be.”

  He glanced at me for a moment and my breath caught. I had to force myself to look away by closing my eyes. The moment I did, the memory of Zeke’s horrified expression flashed through my mind, and my eyes pricked again. I looked out the car window to try and hide my distress from Luke. I was so incredibly embarrassed.

  “Do you want to talk about what happened?”

  “What good is it going to do?” I wiped the moist cloth over my face one last time then scrunched it up in my hand before returning the backpack to where it belonged.

  “A problem shared is a problem halved and all that.” Luke shrugged and gave me a half smile.

  I twisted the used cloth between my fingers, chewing the inside of my lip as I thought about whether I wanted to share my embarrassment with anyone just yet.

  “I’m a bartender, Dawn. People tell me their problems all the time. So I guess that als
o makes me a pretty good listener.”

  I took a deep breath and looked up at him. I knew I could trust him. I knew that no matter what I told him, he’d somehow make it all right. That was what Luke did. “I tried to kiss Zeke,” I admitted in a rush. For a split second Luke’s body tensed, and just as quickly relaxed.

  “Tried?”

  I shook my head, looking out the window and trying to swallow the lump that was forming in my throat. “He freaked out. I ran. Then I saw you. That’s the whole story.”

  He was quiet for a while, and I wondered what he was thinking. Did he think I was being childish? Did he think it was a stupid thing to do too? Did he hate Zeke even more now?

  Perhaps it was actually a bad idea to tell Luke. Perhaps I should have just kept my mouth shut.

  “It was my fault. I knew he just saw me as a friend. But, we were drinking and…and I don’t know what came over me. Like I said, it was stupid. I’m just embarrassed.”

  He reached over and took my hand, giving it a squeeze. “I’m sorry, Dawn. Anyone with two eyes in their head can see how much you like him. It’s his loss if he doesn’t view you the same way.”

  I pressed my lips together in a sad smile. Everyone could tell I liked Zeke. Did they all think I was a walking joke? Where they laughing at me for wanting a boy who was so completely out of my league? I felt even worse. “A bit pathetic, don’t you think?”

  “No. Not pathetic at all. I don’t know why you put yourself down, Dawn. You’re smart, you’re beautiful, you’re funny… You’ve got everything going for you. I know it feels like a huge deal right now, but in the grand scheme of things, this is just a blip on the radar.”

  I didn’t know what to say in return. My mind was swirling with alcohol and regret, and it was hard to see past all that even when someone was saying all the right things.

  “And I can’t believe I’m saying this, because you know I don’t think Zeke is good enough for you, but maybe he wasn’t horrified – maybe he was just surprised. Talk to him. Either way, you’ve been friends for too long to let a drunken attempt at a kiss to change things.”