In the Wind

by Lilliana Anderson

  Sliding my hands into the back pockets of my navy shorts, I looked up at him. “What’s up?”

  “I just wanted to make sure you’re OK.”

  Releasing a short laugh, I gave him a shrug. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  “Because I didn’t kiss you that night. You’ve kind of been avoiding me ever since.”

  “Have I?”

  I had. Of course I had. So much had changed in such a short amount of time, and looking at Zeke was just another reminder that all of my dreams were never going to come true. I had no money for university. The guy I’d spent my life pining for had rejected me, and the only person who really seemed to want me was a girl who believed anyone could fall in love with anyone, and that didn’t exactly make me feel special when I broke it down that way.

  “You have. Can we talk about it? Please?”

  The memory of that night flashed in my mind. It was the first night my dreams started crumbling. Closing my eyes, I felt the embarrassment of his horrified expression all over again. I really didn’t want to talk about it. “Zeke. No. Can we just forget about it?”

  “I need to say this, Dawn. I have to tell you that I’ve regretted the way I reacted every moment since it happened.”

  My mouth fell open. “Wait, you what?”

  “I regret not kissing you back.”

  It was like someone stole the air out of my chest and my ability to comprehend. “What are you saying?” I didn’t want to jump to any conclusions; I done enough of that lately. I needed for him to spell it out for me very carefully before I could react.

  “I’m saying that if I’d known you’d get so hurt that you’d stop talking to me, I wish I would have kissed you.”

  My brow knitted. His explanation hadn’t helped at all. I was growing more confused. “But you didn’t want to kiss me at the time?”

  “Yes. No. I mean. Shit. I didn’t kiss you because I didn’t want to mess up what we had. But I’m a guy, Dawn, and you’re, well…” He gestured toward me as a whole. “You’re gorgeous. I know you think you aren’t, but you are. You’re pretty, like…Audrey Hepburn pretty.”

  “Audrey Hepburn pretty?” I pulled at my lips with my teeth as I smiled. Then he ran his hand through his hair as if he was slightly agitated by my question.

  I didn’t understand his reaction. I’d taken it as a compliment.

  “You don’t watch current movies, Dawn. I can’t exactly say you’re a hotter version of that chick in Jessica Jones because you have no idea what I’m talking about.”

  “OK,” I whispered, feeling slightly reprimanded instead of flattered. He noticed.

  “Shit. This is coming out all wrong.” He took a hold of my hands and looked into my eyes. “The point is, of course I’d thought about kissing you before that night. But, I thought it would change our friendship too much if I did.”

  Nodding, I thought perhaps I was beginning to understand. “And you don’t want things to change?”

  “No. But, it feels like they’re changing anyway, and now I regret reacting the way I did. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry. I should have kissed you.”

  Frowning, I tried to piece together what he meant. “What I’m hearing is that if you had to choose, you’d rather not kiss me at all, but if forced, you’d kiss me to save our friendship – is that right?”

  He laughed. “Are you serious? That’s what you took from that?”

  “Well, yeah,” I started to say but I didn’t get the chance to finish because before I knew what was happening, his hand wrapped around the back of my head and our lips were pressed together.

  In my surprise, I opened my eyes wide and just looked at him without responding. “Dawn?” he said against my lips.

  “Yes?” I said against his.

  “You have to move your lips.”

  “Oh, right,” I said, pulling away a little and tilting my head, suddenly feeling very self-conscious knowing that Shea could be watching.

  “This isn’t quite how I imagined it,” he said as he started to laugh. He rested his forehead against mine, his hand resting in the curve of my neck with his thumb gently caressing my jawline. It felt nice, and I didn’t want him to stop so I placed my hand on top of his to keep it there.

  “I’m sorry. I just wasn’t expecting that. Do you think maybe we could try that again later? Maybe when we don’t have such an audience.” I inclined my head toward where Shea had set out the blanket and food, and he nodded his head.

  “We can wait as long as you need.” Leaning forward, he pressed his lips against my forehead then pulled me into a hug. “As long as you don’t quit talking to me again.”

  I nodded against his chest. “I promise,” I said, my mind still whirling. Did this mean that Zeke actually wanted me? In the same way I wanted him? I still wasn’t sure.

  “All sorted?” Shea asked as we sat down with her and she took the lid off the Jack Daniels and took a swig. “Ugh, that stuff is rough. Here.” She handed it to Zeke who first offered it to me then took a drink himself.

  “Yeah. We’re all sorted,” I told her with a smile as I exchanged glances with Zeke.

  “Good,” she said, looking genuinely pleased. “Then let’s eat.”

  ***

  “No. I’m serious. He demonstrates with his arse poking out like this.” Zeke took on the comical pose of their hang gliding instructor. Falling backward, I clutched my stomach. It was hurting from laughing so hard.

  The moment I tried to get back up the world started spinning. It was possible I’d had a tiny bit too much to drink and chose instead to lie back down and watch the stars form complete circles above my head.

  “You feeling OK?” Shea’s face entered the kaleidoscope sky, and my eyes found their focus.

  “You’re really pretty,” I told her in all sincerity.

  “And you’re drunk.” She laughed and continued to hold herself over me.

  “So are you.”

  “I’m very drunk.” Taking my hand she pulled me up to sitting then sat in front of me and pushed my hair back from my face.

  Zeke was sitting beside us now, spinning the empty bottle in between his legs. “We’re going to be fucked for class tomorrow,” he stated, his words a little slurred. Between the three of us we’d put away the entire bottle of Jack Daniels, and I wasn’t sure if I was going to manage to get up to surf tomorrow.

  Shea gasped and clutched his hand. “Oh Zeke! You just gave me the most fantastic idea.”

  Giving her a curious look, he met her gaze.

  “Spin the bottle.” She picked up the empty Jack Daniels bottle and moved it to the centre of our little circle.

  “Aren’t we getting a little old for this?” I laughed and looked to Zeke for support, although, he gave me a look that spoke only of interest. I felt tense.

  “It’ll be fun,” Shea promised. It’s what she always promised.

  I found myself nodding.

  “I’ll go first.”

  Sitting there nervously, I watched her place her hand on the bottle and spin. No matter who it landed on, I didn’t think I’d be comfortable. I didn’t want to watch her kiss Zeke, and I didn’t want her to kiss me in front of Zeke.

  Slowly it went around. One. Two. Three. The neck of the bottle pointed at…me. Not knowing if I could go through with it, I started to fidget, wanting to move away as I watched her crawl toward me. She stopped with her knees against mine and took a hold of my face in her hands.

  “Have you kissed Dawn yet, Zeke?”

  It took him a moment, and he had to clear his throat so he could speak. “Um, no. Not yet.”

  She ran her hand down the side of my face, so gently as she looked into my eyes. “I have. She’s quite…perfect.”

  “What?” he exclaimed, just as Shea put her mouth to mine and kissed me hard, holding onto my head as her mouth took over mine.

  I frowned when she pulled away, wondering what kind of game she was playing at. Then I saw the look on Zeke’s face
and I understood. His expression was one of complete and utter arousal. She wanted to show me that she was right, and that he’d want us both.

  She reached out and took his hand, pulling him closer to us. “Maybe we don’t need the bottle,” she whispered, pressing a light kiss to his jawline before taking his mouth in hers as well. A surge of jealousy reared up inside me as I watched their mouths move together, and I found myself wanting to leave. But Shea gripped my hand, and as she pulled away from Zeke, she pulled me forward. “Now I want to see you two together.”

  And this time, we didn’t hesitate. This time, we kissed properly, our mouths moving, along with our tongues. Everything was working right, but for some reason, it didn’t feel any different to kissing Shea. It didn’t make sense. Kissing Zeke was something I’d wanted to do forever. I loved him. Where were the fireworks? Where was the feeling that all of my dreams had finally come true?

  I felt myself being lowered to the rug. I felt hands on my body, and lips on my skin – neither felt any different to the other, which in a way, saddened me. I was drunk. I was aroused. I was overwhelmed. I was confused.

  I switched between them both, kissing Zeke, kissing Shea, touching their bodies through their clothes, while they touched mine. Then hands were getting lower and my discomfort levels grew. I wasn’t ready for where it was going. I wasn’t ready.

  I forced myself to sit up.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, struggling for breath. “I can’t do this.”

  16

  After that night, I was thankful that Zeke and Shea were busy with their hang gliding course. It made it easier to avoid them during the day, and in the evenings, I kept complaining of feeling unwell to avoid long conversations or drinking sessions with them. I denied that I was feeling odd about our three-way makeout session on the lookout, but I was. It had made me feel as though I was compromising on everything I’d believed relationships to be. I felt as though they were pushing me to take things way beyond our friendship, and I struggled to find a way to be around them without the discomfort of what it felt like to be in that situation with them. I wondered often if they were doing things when I wasn’t around. And again, I found myself too scared to look out the window that could see into Shea’s room. It was easier to hope that Zeke would say no to her. It was better not knowing if he’d perhaps said yes… I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to know…

  They both seemed to think it was all just a bit of fun. I couldn’t help but think that it was more than that. It felt like it was more than that. It felt as though I was standing on the edge of a cliff, and I could either step away or jump. And I was too frightened to jump. It felt as though I’d lose myself forever if I did…

  After avoiding them for what remained of the week, I knew I was pushing my luck, but I kept up with my farce, complaining of aches and pains that weren’t really there just to avoid facing them.

  On top of my emotions regarding Zeke and Shea, I was still trying to navigate the world with my newfound sense of poverty. I knew I wasn’t entirely destitute, but I was definitely struggling. In the past week, I’d also returned to the city and sold all of my rockabilly clothing and iron fist shoes, keeping only the most casual of all my clothes, and that one outfit I’d worn to the city that day with Luke, because it was my favourite. I’d quit wearing so much make up – my tube of Chanel red was running low, and I didn’t want to waste it on day to day wear.

  I spent a crazy amount of time each day pouring over bills and my dwindling cash supply, trying to work out a way to make the money stretch as far as it could.

  My mother was still absent more than she was home, and I tried to take her credit card to stop her from spending on it, but we just ended up in a fight, and I ended up crying over the credit card statement, wondering how we were supposed to get the money to pay for it. I was feeling miserable. I was feeling confused. I felt incredibly alone and wished my mother would for once wake up and take some sort of responsibility for her life.

  How did everything manage to get so hard so fast? If only life were a movie, I could hit rewind and pause it before everything turned to shit. Things were easier then. They were more simple. Which was just the way I liked them. I wanted that time back…

  Honestly, the only thing that was saving me from losing my mind was getting out of the house to surf every morning and clear my head.

  Under Luke’s watchful eye, I was getting my sea legs back and wasn’t wiping out anywhere near as often as I was in the beginning. It was like I was rediscovering this whole side of me I’d forgotten long ago, and I liked that part of me. It was the part of me that loved the sea and would miss it when I left. It was funny how your perspective of something changed when your choices were taken away; even if I wanted to stay in Hargrave Cove, I couldn’t anymore. We simply couldn’t afford it.

  “The waves aren’t so great this morning.” Luke paddled up and came to a stop beside me. I’d beat him into the water that morning, which was unusual. Normally he was first, but there weren’t many surfers out today. I guess they saw the surf report and decided not to bother. I saw the report too; I just wanted to be on the water regardless of the conditions.

  The gentle waves bumped along beneath my board, rocking me from side to side as I dangled my legs in the water and looked out to the horizon as if the waves might suddenly appear if I watched closely enough.

  “It’s still worth it for the sunrise,” I commented, remembering our initial conversation from a few weeks ago.

  “So you’re a convert now, huh?”

  “I suppose.”

  We fell quiet for a while then Luke turned to me and spoke. “We still on for those movies tonight?”

  Grinning, I turned to him and smiled even though I was shivering slightly from the cold. “I wouldn’t miss it. I’m bringing Karloff’s The Body Snatcher with me.”

  “OK.” He nodded thoughtfully. “In that case, I’m going to counter your offer with…” He paused and worked his jaw as he tried to come up with a title.

  “I can’t believe you haven’t chosen a movie yet,” I exclaimed, splashing him playfully.

  With a chuckle, he held up his hand to deflect the water. “The Shining!” I stopped splashing, and he lowered his hands and presented me with a gorgeous smile. “We’re going to watch The Shining.”

  “I’ve actually wanted to watch that one. Good choice.”

  Still smiling, he dipped his hands in the water then ran them through his hair, slicking it back from his head. I’d grown to enjoy watching Luke’s little rituals, and using seawater as a styling product was one of them.

  “Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you if everything is OK with you. I keep seeing your friends at the bar without you, and Zeke and Shea keep telling me that you aren’t feeling well. But, I know for a fact that you’re fine.”

  “You haven’t told them anything have you?”

  He shrugged. “What do I have to tell?”

  I dropped my hands below the surface of the water and pushed back and forth. “Just, this. I don’t want them to know.”

  “Surfing? Why?” he sounded genuinely perplexed.

  “Because it’s mine. It’s the only thing I have left, and I don’t want to share it.”

  He assessed me quietly, taking in my words, but not saying anything to push me to elaborate, he simply rubbed his hands together and nodded. “Well, if you’re going to keep coming out here at this hour, you might want to get your hands on a wetsuit. You’re shivering in that thing.” He nodded toward my swimsuit, which did little to protect me from the morning chill. My skin was covered in goose bumps, and I was indeed shivering.

  “I’m fine like this,” I lied. “I don’t need one.”

  “Listen, it’s awesome that you feel badarse and all, but you kind of do need one. You’ll end up with a chill in your kidneys.”

  “Jesus Christ, Luke. Get off my back. You’re not my dad,” I snapped, not meaning to be rude, but not wanting to keep going with a line of
conversation that was going to force me to admit that I didn’t have the money to pay for one.

  “I’m just giving you some friendly advice.”

  “I don’t need it OK? I said I’m fine, and I’m fine.”

  “Why are you even arguing over this? Just go and get a fucking wetsuit, Dawn. I’m sure they’ll have something that will match with your style if that’s what you’re worried about.”

  “I don’t give a fuck about my style, Luke!” I yelled, splashing him with water in my annoyance.

  He shot water back at me.

  I glared at him then kicked my leg out. My plan was to shove against his board. But, that plan backfired when he caught me by the ankle and pulled me off my board.

  Squealing, I went under the salty water to the sound of the world muting as the noise of the sea entered my ears. The calm under the surface was so peaceful that I let myself relax into the current as I held my breath and watched the early morning rays of sunlight slice through the water’s surface. It looked majestic. It calmed me.

  A rush of bubbles blasted past me as strong arms wrapped around my waist and hauled me back up.

  “What the hell is your problem?” Luke yelled when we broke the surface.

  “I want you to leave me alone – that’s what my problem is!” I yelled back, instantly annoyed again.

  A flash of hurt crossed his face as he released me. “If that’s the case, then I’m sorry for harassing you, Dawn. It won’t happen again.” Then he turned and lifted himself out of the water and back onto his board.

  I felt guilty straight away. None of my problems were his fault, and I shouldn’t have been taking them out on him like that. I didn’t want to see Luke upset. I wanted to be the reason he smiled. Not the reason he frowned.

  “Luke,” I called out as he began to paddle away. “Luke, I’m sorry.”

  He kept going as if he couldn’t hear me, and needing to make it right, I pulled myself back onto my board and quickly followed suit, heading back to the beach to catch up to him.