In the Wind

by Lilliana Anderson

  She released me, her eyes wide, her expression hurt. “There’s nothing wrong with me,” she gasped. “You’re the one with the problem. You’re the one who is so uptight you don’t know how to have fun.”

  I looked at her with my face set in confusion. She was jumping from one thing to another, desperation to anger. “Go home, Shea,” I told her, just as Zeke arrived beside us, out of breath and dripping wet.

  “Where were you?” He glanced up at the angry looking sky over the sea, flashing and swirling, kicking up the water in frantic peaks as it pushed toward the land. “When the cops came, I looked for you. But they got me before I could find you. I’ve been worried.”

  “I left. Group sex isn’t really my thing.”

  He glanced at Shea, who was still standing there instead of leaving like I asked her to, and ran his hand through his hair, slicking the wet strands back from his face as he licked the rain from his lips. There was something in the way they looked at each other – something intimate, something between only them…

  I let out a hollow laugh. “You two weren’t a part of the group, were you? That’s why I couldn’t find you. You’d gone off on your own.”

  Shea answered for him. “We just got carried away.”

  “It was the drugs, Dawn. I thought you were there, I swear.” Zeke reached out for me, and I pulled away.

  “Why did you sleep with me in the first place, Zeke? Was it because you wanted me or was it because you didn’t want to lose your friend?”

  Again, he glanced at Shea. It hurt seeing the secret look between them. I hated knowing they had knowledge of things that I didn’t. “Of course I wanted to, Dawn,” he said when he turned back to me.

  “But you didn’t want me though, did you? Well, not at least until Shea put the idea in your head.”

  He opened his mouth to say something then closed it again as if he thought better of it, coming out eventually with, “I’d thought about you in that way before.”

  “But Shea’s the reason you decided to, right?” They glanced at each other uncomfortably. “Was this a part of your game? Did you take bets to see how quickly you could get the virgin into bed? Did you call each other afterward and laugh about it?”

  “It wasn’t like that,” Zeke said, trying to reach out to me again. The sky flashed a few moments before a loud crack of thunder whipped at the air.

  “No. I bet it wasn’t. You probably lay in bed together after fucking, laughing about me instead. How long was this going on? All summer?”

  “Dawn,” he argued. “It wasn’t like that. Everything between me and Shea was just sex.”

  “Just sex?” I glanced at Shea whose expression was a mixture of fright and upset.

  “It didn’t mean anything,” Zeke reiterated, and I noticed Shea flinch out of the corner of my eye.

  “You don’t get it, do you? It’s never just sex. It means something to me, and it should mean something to you. And the fact that you left me last night to be with her – drugs or no drugs – means there’s something there.”

  “Dawn,” she interrupted, reaching out to touch my arm, wanting to have her say. But I was so angry, so betrayed that I turned to her and growled through clenched teeth.

  “Shut the fuck up!”

  “But, Dawn,” she gasped.

  “Go away, Shea,” Zeke snapped. “This doesn’t concern you.”

  “Why don’t you both just fuck off out of my life and leave me the hell alone,” I yelled, my words spitting water as the rain passed over my lips. “Leave me the fuck alone!”

  I turned to walk away, but Zeke grabbed my arm. “Dawn, she means nothing to me. Not like you do.” He spun me around and kissed me hard. I pushed against his chest, fighting him, but he held me steady, fighting me with his mouth, and when I relaxed, his kiss softened and released me. “I want you, OK?” he promised me over the noise of the storm. “Just you.”

  I shook my head. “But I don’t want you anymore.”

  He took a step back as if he’d been slapped and couldn’t believe it.

  “I’m sorry, Zeke.”

  Lifting his arms, he pressed his hands on either side of his head. “I think…I think I love you, Dawn.”

  I laughed, I couldn’t help it. For years, I’d wanted him to say that to me. For years, it had been my greatest desire. Then out of fear of losing me, he finally forces himself to say it and all he can do is ‘think’ it. “It’s too late, Zeke. Hearing you say that doesn’t change how I feel. I’m sorry. I don’t feel the same way. I thought I did, but I don’t.”

  His hands went to his hips and he turned away, took a step then turned back. “I don’t want to lose our friendship.”

  “Then don’t.”

  He laughed humourlessly. “You think it’s that simple? I should just be your friend and love you without having you?”

  I nodded. “It’s surprisingly easy. I’ve been doing it for years.”

  He stopped and looked at me for a long time the rain sheeting between us on a slant.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t notice you sooner,” he said finally.

  “I’m sorry I took so long to try and kiss you.”

  With a smile, he nodded. “I guess we’ve both got really shitty timing.”

  “Yeah. We do.”

  “Friends?”

  “Eventually.”

  He walked toward me and wrapped me in his arms, holding me tightly as the sky flashed and the thunder rumbled quickly after.

  “I think we’d better get in out of this before the storm is on top of us,” he said, glancing at the sky.

  I agreed and reached down to pick my wet bag up off the sand. “Where is Shea?” I didn’t know exactly when she’d left us, probably when Zeke kissed me and we’d yelled at her to go. I looked up and down the beach expecting to see her. She couldn’t have gotten far.

  “Holy shit. She’s in the fucking water.”

  Abandoning my bag, I ran with Zeke to the water’s edge and yelled with him into the rough surf, pleading with her to come back.

  “What the hell is she doing out there?” I cried, when she looked back then dove down beneath an oncoming wave.

  “She’s going to get herself killed.” Zeke pulled off his shirt and ran into the surf.

  “Zeke. No. It’s too rough out there.” I looked around, knowing from the lifesaving lessons we were all forced to take as kids that there was no point in going in the water to save someone without anything for them to grab onto. Drowning people panicked and tended to push their rescuer under to save themself. I looked for anything that could float, hoping to come across some driftwood that I could get to him before he went too far. But there was nothing. All I could see in the distance were the lights from The Palms Hotel. “Zeke, I’m going to get help!” I yelled. Then I took off at a run, my legs pumping faster than I ever thought they could possibly go.

  When I hit the stairs that led up to The Palms, I slipped and banged my knee, a sharp pain coursing up my leg as I hit then righted myself and kept going, leaving bloody footprints to be diluted by the rain as I continued.

  The door to the outside had been locked against the storm, and I banged on it, getting Luke’s attention immediately. The only other people in there were an older couple having an early lunch. He rushed over to the door and unlocked it.

  “I knew I shouldn’t have left you. What the hell did they do?” His eyes were filled with anger and concern as he tried to guide me into bar to take care of me.

  “I’m fine, Luke. Shea and Zeke are in the water. She won’t come out, and he’s trying to save her.”

  Immediately, his eyes lifted to the incoming storm then dropped to the water below. “You’re hurt,” he stated, looking down at my bleeding knee and pulled me further into the bar. He glanced outside again, his mouth set in a grim line as he returned his gaze to mine. “Stay here. Please. I can’t help them if I’m worried about you too. There’s a first aid kit behind the bar. Stay here, please.” I nodded as I watched hi
m remove one of the old surfboards that were attached to the wall for decoration. “Promise me.” I nodded again.

  “I promise. Just promise you’re going to come back.”

  He grabbed me and kissed me quickly, roughly. It was so fast, but it felt like my chest might explode from the force of it – as if it had the power to change the world. “I promise,” he said. Then he pulled off his shirt and removed his shoes before he took off out the door and ran as fast a he could toward the water.

  My heart was in my throat as I watched him through the grey haze. The sky was angry as the sea began to swirl and darken. It wasn’t safe to be out there. I was scared they wouldn’t make it back. I was petrified I’d just sent Luke rushing toward his doom. I wanted this all to stop. I wanted to rewind to the beginning of the summer and make completely different choices.

  But life doesn’t give you do overs, and despite the older couple telling me to stay indoors, I went back out into the rain and watched from the balcony, my hands gripping the railing so hard that my knuckles were white as I searched the dark waters.

  I could see Shea and Zeke getting jostled by the waves that seemed to angrily slap them closer together then drag them further apart. It was like a dance of the undercurrents and occasionally one of their heads would drop beneath the surface. I gasped in fear each time, wishing there was something more I could do. Off to the left, Luke fought the crashing surf on top of the long white board. His powerful arms dug through the water, and a lifetime of surfing gave him the skill to avoid getting knocked off the board.

  Flash. Pause. Boom.

  Out on the ocean, flashes appeared in the dark sky, cracking the horizon in zigzag patterns that lit up the water, creating colour where there seemed to be none before.

  Blue. Purple. Silver.

  They needed to get out of there.

  I couldn’t stay still any longer. I went to run down to the beach. The moment I stepped, my foot slipped in the water and blood that had pooled at my feet because of my knee. I went down hard, and the older couple rushed out into the foul weather to help me up.

  “I’m fine. I’m fine,” I assured them, turning my gaze back to the water. “Oh god. Where are they?”

  Flash. Boom.

  Lightning streaked down from the sky with all the ferocity of the gods and lit up the water.

  “No. NO.”

  I ran. Half sliding as I went down the wet stairs and back onto the beach. Again, I pumped my legs faster than I thought possible as I searched the water for them, my hands in my hair, my heart in my throat.

  “Luke!” I screamed. “No. Please! God no. LUKE!”

  Off to my left I saw a flash of white within the water and ran for it, stopping when I saw it was a piece of the board. It washed up on the beach, floating at the edge of the water lazily. I grabbed my head, feeling as though it was going to explode as I again searched the water. Where were they?

  A coughing sound caused me to turn my head as Zeke emerged from the surf. He was barely walking and kept falling over. But he was OK.

  “Where’s Luke and Shea?!” I screamed at him, looking left and right, my vision blurred by the amount of water hurtling down from the sky. “Where is he?”

  “I…I don’t know. We were all together then this wave….” Zeke dropped to his knees, coughing up water, exhausted from his ordeal. He groaned and sat back on his heels. “We got separated.”

  “Oh god. No. Please.” I begged and muttered and tried to keep calm so I could see. I contemplated picking up the half of a board and going out there to search myself. But then Zeke stood up and shouted.

  “Over there!” He pointed past me, and I turned just as something dark washed up on the beach. Luke. Thank god.

  There was still no sign of Shea.

  I ran, ran to him, knowing his life depended on me making it to him as fast as possible. Then I dove on the ground beside him, skidding to a stop in the coarse sand with Zeke hot on my heels. “Oh god, he’s not breathing.” Tears burned in my eyes as my heart stopped beating in my chest. All the sound disappeared from the world as the surf push his lifeless body further up the sand. I grabbed a hold of him. “No. No. No, Luke. You can’t leave me. You can’t leave your son. You can’t. You can’t.”

  Frantically, I put my hands on either side of his head and positioned him so I could force air into his lungs.

  One. Two.

  “Let me help.” Zeke dropped to the sand beside us and quickly positioned himself over Luke’s chest, pushing his hands down, beginning the count to thirty.

  “Oh god, I still can’t see Shea,” I cried, my eyes darting between Luke’s prone body, and the rough surf. As angry as I was with her, I didn’t want the sea to take her. I silently prayed for her to be all right while I vocally begged Luke to wake up. I felt as though this was all my fault. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please wake up. Please.”

  As soon as I heard Zeke yell ‘thirty’ I pinched Luke’s nose and breathed for him again.

  One. Two.

  Zeke began the count anew.

  One. Two. Three. Push. Push. Push.

  “Luke, please. Don’t die. Don’t die. I love you,” I cried, my hands either side of his face, fingers in his hair. “I love you. Please.”

  Cough. Splutter.

  Zeke fell back. “You love him?”

  It was as if I could actually see the life return to Luke as the blood flow returned and added colour to his face.

  “Luke,” I gasped. “Help me,” I said to Zeke, he had a shocked expression on his face, but he snapped out of it enough to help shift Luke to his side, and he continued to expel the water from his lungs.

  The sound returned to the world, and I cried happy tears.

  “You love him?” Zeke asked again, his tone shocked.

  I glanced up and him, my fingers moving gently through Luke’s hair as I nodded. “I do.” Zeke sat back and shook his head in disbelief, and I wondered briefly if he’d always thought I’d be here waiting for him, and that he had forever to work out how he felt. But, like the anchor tattoos we’d gotten at the market, what we had was only temporary. It wasn’t love. It was infatuation. “I’m sorry, Zeke.”

  Luke shifted and groaned. “Holy shit. Dawn.” His arm moved so it was wrapped around my waist and his head shifted to my lap. He coughed again. “What are you doing here? You promised to stay inside.”

  “And you promised to come back.”

  He looked up at me and smiled. “I’m here, aren’t I?”

  I smiled in return. “Yeah, but I had to come and get you.”

  With a slight cough, he attempted a laugh and tried to sit up. “Did everyone make it?” he asked.

  I shook my head solemnly. “We still can’t find Shea.”

  He closed his eyes. Devastated. I knew this would hurt him after the way he lost his wife, and I wrapped my arms around him. “I’m so sorry, Luke.”

  He held me back tightly, and we stayed that way as lights flashed while emergency crews drove down the beach, jumping out and yelling instructions at each other as Zeke told them where he last saw Shea.

  Two jet skis and a red lifeboat were dispatched, the high-pitched drone of their motors now louder as the storm had moved overhead and was now a hard rain.

  We were wrapped in blankets and Luke was sat inside the rescue truck as they checked him over and called an ambulance to take him to the closest hospital.

  I stood beside him, holding his strong hand with my left, holding Zeke’s smoother hand with my right, and together, all three off us stared out at the surf, willing them to find her. It was a moment when all our differences and jealousy and anger were put aside, and we could stand there unified, hoping for her safe return.

  In my mind, all I could see was the girl who was dancing in the wind and the rain on the day she arrived while her words echoed in my ears ‘I’ll let the wind decide’.

  As if knowing my thoughts, a gust of wind pushed against my body, whipping my wet hair and causing the wooll
en blanket around my shoulders to billow about my waist. A cold shiver ran down my spine.

  “Bring her back,” I whispered into it.

  It felt as though it blew harder. Angry. It felt as though it said no.

  The emergency crew searched the water, back and forth, their circles getting larger and larger as we waited with our chests aching from our held breath. We could hear the radio communications. No sign. No sign. No sign.

  An ambulance arrived and Luke was loaded onto a stretcher.

  “You’ll need to let go of him, miss,” one of them said to me.

  “I can’t.” Luke’s grip was too strong, and I wasn’t about to try to pull away. I didn’t want to let go of him either. It seemed too important that we stay joined.

  “I want her with me,” Luke insisted, only releasing me when they agreed to let me ride to the hospital in the ambulance with him.

  “I’ll let you know when they find her,” Zeke assured me as he released his hold on my other hand, and for the first time in my life, I didn’t want him to take it back.

  I looked out at the dark and angry sea and felt the calm of dread wash over me. I knew it was over. “She’s not coming back, Zeke. She’s gone. In the wind, just like she wanted.”

  His brow creased as his head shook in denial. “Don’t talk like that. They’ll find her. They have to.”

  I reached up and pulled him into a hug, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “I’m so sorry, Zeke. It wasn’t supposed to end like this.” Then I turned around and followed the paramedics as they carried Luke up the beach and placed him in the back of an ambulance then gave me a dry blanket when I climbed in with him.

  He reached his hand out to me and I took it, pressing my lips to the back of his hand. “Luke,” I whispered, reaching out with my other hand to stroke his hair as the paramedics closed us in, feeling the love I felt for him warming up my heart.

  As we started to move, I looked back toward the beach, and I swear I saw the figure of a girl in the rain, twirling about like a child, her hands above her head as her long saturated hair flicked about her like a windmill. Spinning. Spinning. Laughing. Laughing. She had a smile on her face as she tilted her head back and let the rain thump against her skin, and the wind blew through her hair and stuck her dress against her body. Then, I blinked and like a mirage, she was gone. I’d been seeing things.