Forever Girl (Tagged Soldiers Book 2)

by Sam Destiny

  “You can’t die. Jesse, hey! Please, you’re safe!” Betty was blurring before his eyes now and he knew it was because he was losing too much blood.Yet the voice talking to him was clear as bells, and familiar, making warmth spread within his body.

  “Safe? Are you insane? Get down, Betty. Get down!” Why was Betty suddenly blonde? And why was her hair open, blowing in the desert winds? Wait, in front of him wasn’t Betty...

  He fell to his knees, dropping the gun to his side at the vision he had. The burning in his body made him nearly delirious. He probably had a few broken ribs, if he had to guess, and he pressed his arms to his stomach, ready to curl into himself, but somehow he couldn’t. There was something keeping him from it, something warm and soft. He shook his head, trying to clear his mind while his heart wanted to jump out of his chest.

  “Need to save them,” he told himself.

  “Betty is fine. You saved her. Jesse, wake up!”

  Wake up? He wasn’t even unconscious yet. And that was Tessa’s voice.

  Tessa, who couldn’t be there.

  “Yes, Tessa.And yes, I am here. Just look at me, Jazz, or I’ll crawl on your lap again,” she threatened.

  It must be a fever dream, he thought. Or heaven. If Tessa was there, maybe it was heaven.

  “Crawl on my lap all right,” he smiled. The pain was receding and then, with a bang, he was wide awake, no desert anywhere near.

  His heart rate didn’t drop though, and it took all of two seconds for him to realize Tessa was with him. Again. Getting him back from a nightmare, or flashback or whatever the fuck it had been.

  “You’re not in my lap,” he commented, his mind caught between what was real and what was memory. He couldn’t shake the terror he’d felt, the ice in his veins at realizing he’d been responsible for so many deaths, or the knowledge he’d be dead soon.

  Only he had survived and now was trembling like a leave in the wind. Tessa stood too far away and he had a feeling he needed her to come back fully, but she didn’t move and he couldn’t get up. He knew his legs would give in after the first step. “Don’t make me come and get you,” he growled and that propelled her forward until she was in his arms, her knees left and right of him while she held onto him. Her warmth seeped into him slowly while he buried his face in the crook of her neck, breathing a kiss there that made her shiver.

  “God, Jazz,” she whispered, and he waited to feel her lips against the side of his head, but it didn’t happen. Not that he’d ask for it.

  Hell, the kiss they’d shared earlier was everything he could ever hope for and more. Now she seemed a lot more hesitant.

  “You shouldn’t be here,” he muttered against her skin while squeezing her tighter. He had no clue if she’d be running soon or not, but he couldn’t let her go just yet. It was impossible.

  “I shouldn’t, agreed,” she gave back, not moving though.

  “Why are you then? I don’t deserve you, and I cannot have you ever again, and yet you come by whenever I need it the most. What are you, their secret weapon?” He needed to shut up, but somehow with her in his arms it was impossible.

  “I’m your friend, Jazz, if that’s all you need me to be, and if it’s a saving grace, then I’m that, too.” Her voice was choked and it broke his heart.

  “I’m not good for you,” he tried again.

  “You’ve been good for me when I needed it the most, Jazz, so now let me be good for you when you need it.” Tessa pulled back slightly, but in the darkness he could barely make out her face. Where was the full moon when you needed it? Where were the hospital lights when you had nothing else left?

  He cupped her cheek, so much longing in that one touch, and she leaned into it, mirroring what he was feeling and yet, he didn’t close the gap between their faces.

  He couldn’t. The memory he’d just relieved proved it too clearly.

  Tessa should be moving off his lap and away from his arms, but she couldn’t get herself to, not when he now held her, touched her the way she longed for. She knew it was wrong to be where she was when he had a wife somewhere.Still, there had to be a reason they called her when he was at his worst and not Betty.

  “Tell me about your nightmare, Jazz,” she demanded gently. She needed to hear what he’d been seeing even though the sentences he’d uttered already gave her an idea. Maybe saying it out loud though would help him, would ease some of his guilt.

  Because that was the one thing ringing out loud and clear in almost every sentence: He blamed himself.

  She found herself pushed off the bed so fast, she stumbled as her feet hit the ground. Luckily only her feet. There wasn’t much missing and her face would’ve connected with the linoleum as well.

  “Stay out of my head, Tessa. Stay out of those nightmares. You don’t belong into that hell,” Jazz told her, his voice rough like sandpaper. He sounded like a tortured man, and sadly Tessa feared that was exactly who he was.

  “I am staying out of them as long as I can, but if you start seeing me in them, aren’t I technically already there?” She moved closer again despite the way he’d shoved her off him, making slow movements as if she was trying to approach a wounded animal.

  She brushed her hand across his head and the next thing she knew he was curled into her, his forehead pressed against her chest, and his arms wrapped around her like she kept him from drowning. Kissing the top of his head, she sighed.

  “One of the jeeps stopped working on our way to an assignment. I had checked it, but clearly not well enough. There was no more oil left and we… the engine… it stopped working, out there in the middle of the desert during lunchtime. The heat was unbearable. We checked the surrounding area and then wanted to radio for help. The other two jeeps from our platoon stopped, too, and… I… God, it was all my fault.”

  He started to tremble again and his fingertips dug into her hips until she knew she’d be bruised come morning.

  “I didn’t check. It was all my fault, but I could’ve sworn I had the hood popped. There, there’s the engine, and it’s—”

  He was drifting back and she couldn’t allow that.

  “Jazz, hey.” She cupped his cheek and tipped his head back until he was looking at her. “Stay with me, okay? You’ve been through enough horror for the night,” she told him and he went to his knees on his bed, dwarfing her before his lips descended on hers, gentle like butterfly wings.

  She let him kiss her. Not because she thought he’d forgotten his wife, or because she hoped he’d leave her for Tessa, but because her mind was blank and Jazz’s sweet kiss all she could focus on.

  She licked her lips when he pulled back, being in a dream-like state until he spoke.

  “And now leave and never return, Tessa, no matter who’s calling you and telling you I’m in pain or whatever they say. Go. I cannot do that anymore,” he whispered and she stepped back until she hit the wall.

  “I’m not surprised. Your wife doesn’t deserve this,” she gave back, pressing her lips together as she left the room.

  To the right and down the hall, then another right turn until reaching the elevators, she told herself when someone called out her name.

  She froze, wondering if she’d be able to hide somewhere, but then the person stepped around her.

  “Tessa Rowan, right?”

  “Betty.” Tessa couldn’t say more, guilt reddening her cheeks and causing self-hatred to filter through her. She should’ve never kissed another woman’s man, even if he was her everything.

  “I heard they always call you when he gets like that,” Betty started and Tessa noted she was wearing a coat that looked a lot like a doctor’s.

  “I’m sorry,” she stated. “I know it would be better to call you, but—”

  Betty’s dark eyes were sad in the harsh light of the hospital hallway, yet she smiled. “No, it’s all right. I didn’t think we’d be lucky having you here when Jazz and I returned. Sometimes only safe people can help with PTSD.”

  “Safe people?
” she echoed and Betty nodded, taking her arm and leading her over to a row of seats that, at half past three in the morning, were deserted.

  “People who weren’t involved in the trauma. I was there with Jazz, in the desert. You weren’t. You were his safe place back then. The person he could think of who is untainted by war. I could never be that for him because we only met down there.”

  He’d known Betty ten months and married her. “Well, I’m glad he found someone like you down there,” Tessa surprised herself by saying, and even more by meaning it.

  “It’s good finding your circle. We called it our tribe. It was five people, with Jazz and me. You know, those are the guys who promise to always have your back, and you promise it back. We got close down there. Closer than family in some aspects,” Betty commemorated and Tessa couldn’t help the bitter stab of jealousy going through her. Of course they were closer than family. You didn’t wed those with your own blood.

  “Again, I’m glad he wasn’t alone.”

  “He wasn’t, Tessa, not once, because you were with him almost every step of the way, and all I wanted to say is that I’m sorry how all of this turned out, all the pain you must be going through, and yet you show up here the moment they call—”

  “Stupid, isn’t it?” she spat, getting up. God, this was ludicrous. Jazz had told her more than once to stay away and she still thought she knew better what he wanted… needed.

  Glancing back at Betty, she saw the other woman’s brows furrowed. “Stupid? That’s what you call helping him?”

  “No, that’s what I call forcing myself on him when he doesn’t want to see me, when he’s ma—”

  Betty stood, being in her face so fast, Tessa couldn’t even think about backing away.

  “He doesn’t want to see anyone. Not you, not his mother and sister, not me or the doctors. Sometimes people need to be forced,” Betty interrupted her and Tessa gritted her teeth.

  “Have you ever considered that maybe he just needs to be alone and deal with this not in a hospital? Somewhere he might feel less reminded of the fact that he just returned from war?”

  Why was Tessa still standing there, talking to the person she probably hated most on this world just for having what she couldn’t have any longer?

  “For that he needs to eat,” Betty replied and Tessa pulled the rubber band from her hair, combing her fingers through the blonde waves before putting them back up in a messy ponytail.

  “Don’t bring him hospital food. Get Ryan to share a sandwich with him, or you go and share one with him. Put it in his reach and start talking about whatever. Tell him to eat because you bought it for him, or overestimated your hunger. Be creative. Guilt-trip him into eating if you must.”

  “Is that what you did today?”

  Tessa stared at her. Had that really been just today? For her right now one day bled into another and she no longer knew when one ended and the next one began.

  “It doesn’t matter, okay? I cannot come to make sure he eats. In fact, I cannot come again. My heart can’t take it,” she whispered.

  Betty nodded slowly, chewing on her lip before swallowing. Tessa knew she wouldn’t like what she’d get to hear next.

  “Well, Tessa, those days at the hospital are limited for him and chances are you won’t see him again once he’s out, so really you should ask yourself if you can live with that… not seeing him again from then on. Or will you take those last days you can have with him and enjoy them for the rest of your life, knowing you made things better for him? I know you cannot stay away from him. You’re Tessa Rowan. Almost a legend among soldiers. Jazz told your tale for a long time down there until everything changed. So, if you have that good of a heart—”

  “Don’t even finish,” Tessa growled. How dare this woman? “You know nothing about me or how I act. You don’t know anything about what I feel and what I wish for and want, so don’t assume because you’ve seen me here twice now you can predict how I’ll act.”

  She moved, hitting the button for the elevator.

  “Please, Tessa. For him. He needs you to fix him,” Betty pleaded behind her and Tessa hugged herself, squeezing her eyes closed to keep tears from falling.

  How could any woman asked of another to heal a guy when it had to obvious how much pain that caused her? Especially when you weren’t going to be the one to see if, in the end, you’d really been able to help.

  Jazz’s mind was reeling. What in the world had she meant with his wife wouldn’t be happy? What wife? And why did it cut so deep to realize she actively thought he would marry anyone but her? Hadn’t he made it clear she was the only one for him? After all, he’d kissed her more than once, had held her since he’d returned… and he wasn’t a cheater. Never was and never would be. Unless she thought he felt something for her but had married someone else out of obligation.But come on, how realistic was that?

  He shook his head, ready to hit it against the wall until all thoughts of her had vanished, but it was impossible. He couldn’t believe that Tessa managed it each time anew to worm her way into his heart, his thoughts. Then again, it wasn’t a surprise. Just because his mind had decided he didn’t deserve her or any kind of happiness didn’t mean his heart was going along with it. He craved Tessa more than his next breath, but he couldn’t have her.

  He was tainted, marred, and a killer. She deserved an angel, and he was the devil in disguise.

  The door to his room opened and Ryan came in.

  “You called her again. Twice in a day. What the hell are you thinking? Did you see her? She cannot keep doing that,” Jazz fussed before he’d even thought about it.

  Ryan sat down at the end of his bed as if they were friends. “I did. I figured maybe you’d be the person to tell her to slow down,” he commented, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “I always talk to her before she gets into your room. Or try to at least. I’m worried about her.”

  Jazz blinked. Then he blinked some more. “You don’t know her,” he finally muttered, a strange jealousy twisting in his stomach.

  “No doubt about that, but what do you think I’m a doctor for if I cannot recognize the signs of exhaustion?”

  “Pale skin, shadows under her eyes, shivering,” Jazz recalled, knowing exactly what Ryan had seen and yet wondering if it was normal for a doctor to watch someone so closely.

  “I see you don't need to be a doctor to recognize the signs,” the doc announced and Jazz nodded.

  “I love… loved her once upon a time, Ryan. I may not have known her for long, but I know exactly how she should look, how her eyes would be shining were she herself.” God, maybe he should have commented on that after all. She’d been sitting right there, freezing, and all he’d done was force a sweater on her. Just because he didn’t want or need her to take care of him didn’t mean he couldn’t take care of her instead.

  Then again, he planned on never seeing her again because she didn’t know, couldn’t know how much he’d messed up. Yes, he’d told her what he’d done, but not everything that had happened. And if he was lucky she’d never find out.

  In the end it didn’t matter though, did it? He wouldn’t allow himself to be happy, and Tessa was all he’d need for that.

  “No doubt.”

  It took a second until Jazz remembered what they’d talked about, and he pulled himself back from his mind, from the worrying and painful thoughts. If he hadn’t gone that day, hadn’t left her there at the base, would everything be different now?

  He couldn’t shake the feeling they’d be more than happy instead.

  “Jesse, can I speak my mind?”

  Jazz almost rolled his eyes. So far he’d yet to meet a doctor who shut up if you refused to listen to them.

  “No. I’m tired. Just leave, okay? We’re not friends, and stay away from Tessa while being at it, because she’s not your friend, either.” And he shouldn’t make any calls about her, but his mouth didn’t care, spitting out every single fleeting thought going through his mind.
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br />   “You won’t sleep because it would only make you fall back into the night terror, and you don’t want that because you worry I’ll call her again. So no, I’m not leaving, and no, I’m not your friend, I’m your doctor, which you absolutely correctly pointed out, and therefore you get to enjoy my company until something else needs my attention. And FYI, there’s never happening a lot here, so you can guess how long I’ll be here.” The doctor shrugged, giving him a half grin.

  Jazz itched to get up and pace, burn off the energy Tessa always sent coursing through him. She was his live wire and every time she was near she jolted him back from indifference and lethargy, from guilt and self-hatred. For a few moments, as long as his brain didn’t catch up with his heart, she was the light in his dark, pulling him out.

  “Nice comparison,” Ryan commented and Jazz gritted his teeth. The doctor lifted his brow in surprise. “Didn’t mean to say that out loud, did you?”

  “In case no one here realized it so far, I’m not into talking. I didn’t talk to Will when he wanted me to, and I didn’t talk to Tank or my mother. I just wanna be left alone. I don’t want your empathy.” And yet he kept saying things out loud he never had meant for others to hear.

  “Don’t want or don’t think you deserve it?” Ryan prompted and Jazz finally stood, plans be damned. It didn’t matter that he wanted to be out faster; he couldn’t stay in his bed one more second. Pushing open the window after crossing the room he realized it didn’t lift more than for his arm to fit through, and that just barely.

  “The window is stuck,” he fussed. He wanted to feel the cold air on his face, but wouldn’t kneel down to reach that. As Ryan stayed silent behind him, he spun around.

  “It is stuck, right?” he demanded to know and Ryan lowered his eyes.

  “I’m not suicidal,” Jazz nearly screamed, fury overtaking him. Yes, he’d fucked up back in hell, and yes, he’d returned fully intend on pushing everyone away because he didn’t deserve their love or attention, but he wasn’t suicidal. He should’ve died back in that desert, in the place of all those who’d lost their lives, but he wouldn’t take his own.