Forever Girl (Tagged Soldiers Book 2)

by Sam Destiny

  Her conviction threatened to bleed into him, and for some twisted reason it made him want to step away from her.

  She hadn’t been there. She couldn’t know. And mistake really was too weak a word… wasn’t it?

  Tessa watched how Jazz shook his head over and over. She had no clue what he was thinking and she sure as hell didn’t think he’d tell her, but it didn’t matter. She had given up hope of getting him back to her side any time soon, and she was ready to be patient.She had reached her goal of having him around Johnny, and that was what mattered.

  It was what had to matter to her. She hated being Jesse’s friend, but she’d hate it even more if she’d never see him again.

  “Are you sure I’m not?” he wondered, his voice hopeful and she stared at him. It didn’t sound taunting, so he definitely wasn’t making fun of her.He seemed to believe he was one of those guys that actually would do something like killing people on purpose.

  “Corporal Connor, you’re a man with integrity and honor, someone who serves his country because it’s what he truly believes to be right. How can you even doubt that for one moment?” She bit her tongue before asking her next question.

  God, what the hell happened to you down there?

  He watched her for the longest time, so long she worried he’d slipped back into a daydream and she hadn’t noticed it; then he closed the distance between them and drew her back into his arms, squeezing her so tight she worried she wouldn’t be able to breathe. Not that it mattered. After all, who needed air when Jesse Connor was holding them as if they were the very core of his existence?

  “I’ll do this right. I hurt you so much over the last weeks, and I know we have a lot to learn about the other one. I’m broken, Tessa, and I won’t even deny it, but we’ll do this thing, right? Us?”

  She wanted it, and her whole body was urging her to just scream ‘yes’.She’d sworn to herself that she’d help him heal, and for that he didn’t need her promise of eternity, no matter what he thought. No, what he needed was something she couldn’t offer.

  “Only if you go back and talk to the therapist at the hospital,” she whispered, swallowing around the worry threatening to close off her throat. She knew she was treading on thin ground, but his mental health was more important than their relationship. Besides, maybe down the road they could fix that, too.

  “Whatever you want me to do,” he replied to her utter surprise. “I’ll go. I’ll prove to you that I’m serious,” he whispered with an intensity that nearly bordered on desperation.

  “Get better, Jazz, that’ll be proof enough,” she whispered, trying to extract herself from his arms. It wasn’t that she didn’t long to be close to him, but his sudden one-eighty-turn overwhelmed and scared her equally.

  “Tell me it’s not too late,” he pleaded, licking his lips and nearly distracting her from his question.

  “Too late for what?” she asked, surprised. “To get healthy? Never. The first step is admitting you need help, and that you managed… I think.” He hadn’t exactly said it, but going back to a therapist was a beginning.

  “Too late for us.”

  She froze, her hand caught in a strand she’d meant to brush behind her ear, and blinked up at him. “For us? Hell, Jesse, there’s never ‘a too late for us’ because you and I are in it for the long haul. There are just things that—”

  Jazz interrupted her—again—with his lips on hers, only this kiss wasn’t as demanding, as longing-filled as the last one had been. Instead there was a tenderness about him that made her want to weep. His thumb caressed her cheek, brushing a rough pad across her now tingling skin while his tongue teased hers, slow and patient, as if they had all the time in the world. And wasn’t that exactly what she’d just told him?

  “One step at a time, okay? Is that what you want to hear? Is that what you want?” he asked, brushing her hair back while watching her face, almost as if he tried to commit her to memory anew.

  “Is that what you want?” she questioned and he gave her a smile that lit up her day. Hell, it lit up her entire week. She couldn’t recall the last time she’d gotten such a genuine smile from him.

  “I want you to believe me and trust me that I’ll never again hurt you, so yes, if one step is the right way, then that’s what we’ll do. I’ll have nightmares. I’ll have flashbacks. I cannot promise to wake from those, or come back as fast as you’ve managed to make me come back today, but in-between those horrible moments I want to make it right for you, okay? And just so you can see that I mean it, let me watch our son tomorrow while you do your show. I’ll meet you at the studio if you message me the address,” he promised, touching his nose to hers before pressing a butterfly kiss to her mouth.

  His newfound sweetness stole her breath away.

  “Only if you guarantee me that you’ll be at the hospital before that,” she urged and he took her hand from his chest to kiss her palm.

  “Promise. If Ryan’s around I’ll make him message you, okay?” It was as if now that he’d allowed himself to hope, to agree to get help, he couldn’t let go of her, and Tessa felt every little bit of caution melt away.

  “I don’t want Ryan to message me, Jazz. I just want to know that somewhere in there is the man I met that first day at the airport. I don’t want him back; I just want you to find part of that guy because while he’d been idealistic, he’d been happy. That’s where you need to get again. That’s all I want.”

  Finally he stepped back, giving her room to breathe and her mind a chance to clear. She had a child she needed to protect from disappointment above all, and as much as it cut her to think of Jesse as a threat to them, he was a long way from whole, and a long way from fine, too. In fact, he was a ticking bomb with a timer set to infinity. She only had to make sure someone defused it before all went to hell. She couldn’t help but think that while she had her work cut out for her, at least he seemed to be willing to stop ticking and start living again.

  Will scrutinized him until Jazz stood from the armchair he’d sat down in, starting to pace the room.

  “We haven’t even started, Corporal,” Will pointed out and Jazz sighed.

  “I know, but the way you watch me makes me itchy. I feel like this is a test and all I can do is fail.”

  “Why are you here then?”

  Jazz squinted at the therapist, wondering if he was serious. After all, he’d only be able to go back to work if he was cleared, and the only one who could currently sat across the room, cool as a cucumber.

  “To get cleared,” he answered with a shrug and Will leaned forward, drumming his pen quietly on the papers in his lap.

  “What changed then? You weren’t eager to be here for the last ten weeks, but you are here now.”

  “Does it really matter, Will? Can’t we just get over with me telling you what shit happened and you saying I’m fine?”

  “Are you fine?”

  God, this was as frustrating as Jazz always imagined it to be. He’d known it would be that way.

  “I guess,” he replied and Will leaned back again, that scrutiny back on his face.

  “You guess or you know? Are you fine or do you wish to be fine?”

  Jazz walked over to the window, a point in every room that calmed him down no matter what. He placed his palm on the windowsill, staring outside without really seeing the street or the people passing by. “I need to be, Will. I have to be because I promised Tessa I’d try it all; I’d make sure to be okay for her and my son.”

  Silence greeted the statement and he glanced over his shoulder. Will stared down at the papers, his brows furrowed in concentration. It made Jazz wonder if he’d said something wrong.

  “You’re here because of… what was her name? Tessa?”

  Jazz confirmed that with a sharp nod.

  “You need to be here because of you, Corporal. I hate to say it, but coming for anyone but you won’t help you because it won’t loosen your tongue. You need to be here because you want it all: beat the nightma
res, control yourself, keep the flashbacks under wraps.”

  Jazz turned back to the therapist, leaning against the window, and crossed his feet at his ankles. It was weird wearing jeans again after he’d only bothered with track pants for the length of three months. Yet, knowing he’d go to the radio station afterward made him want to dress nicely. In fact, he hoped to impress Tessa.

  “You and I both know I could have years of therapy and no one could guarantee all those things pass. I know about veterans, long back from the war, and always stateside, who still wake up drenched in sweat. Don’t make promises you cannot keep. But yes, I wish for my sake that I can keep a lid on it because every time I break down with one of the flashbacks I run the danger of holding my son and injuring him, or Tessa in the process.”

  Combing a shaking hand through his hair, Jazz wished they’d already talk about the hell he’d been in. No, he wasn’t eager to relive that shit over and over, not knowing what could trigger his next episode, but this waiting for it was worse than the speaking about it.

  His palms were clammy with nervousness and his heart was racing in his throat, making him short of breath.

  “Sit and tell me about Tessa,” Will finally said and Jazz blinked in surprise.

  “Tessa? Why? She wasn’t there,” he gave back even though he was ready to talk about her. God, after having allowed himself to hold her she was, in fact, the only thing he could think about.

  “True, but I think it might make you relax a little, and if I understand it right, she is the only one who can touch you during your flashbacks and not end up hurt,” Will remarked and Jazz groaned. Everyone and their mother had to have access to his hospital reports.

  “Is that public record?” Jazz snapped even while his heart calmed considerably, still beating fast, but now having an even, strong rhythm that had nothing to do with fear and everything with the woman he was supposed to speak about.

  “It belongs to your mental breakdowns and therefore your psychological history. I would’ve said touching is a trigger or an amplifier, yet when the girl does it—”

  “She’s all woman,” Jazz injected, walking back to sit in his assigned chair and closed his eyes until he could see her smile and felt the warmth of her brown eyes seep through him, thawing at the cold that wrapped around his heart each time he thought about his time in the Middle East.

  “She was here to see some friends. I met at her at the airport, and I think my path had been altered right then and there. The army, my duty to the country, had always been the most important thing for me, and yet, when she came along, things shifted. It was sudden, but I didn’t want to admit it. My best friend, Tank, he made fun of me. He’s not exactly the one-woman-kind.”

  “And you, Corporal? Were you?”

  “I was the no-woman-kind. I was too busy most of the time. In fact, I only met Tessa because I was late picking up Tank from the airport. I’d forgotten he’d asked me while I filled out forms and shit… I mean stuff.”

  He glanced at the therapist, but Will just grinned. “Shit is fine. I can handle curse words. I fought overseas, so I’m pretty much used to anything,” he promised and Jazz nodded, somewhat relieved.

  While he’d never been the most polite or sophisticated talker, his language skills definitely had taken a turn for the worse during his deployment.

  “I didn’t want to let her go, and that feeling never changed, not the first time I saw her, nor the last time yesterday. She always had a draw on me, like… you can feel your chest expanding, making you free. It was supposed to be three weeks and nothing more. Nothing serious. Just some fun. She’s from England, and I was a soldier on a mission. I mean, I wanted to climb up the ranks, gain prestige, serve my country more. Until suddenly that wasn’t enough. Have you ever seen snow first thing in the morning, when sunlight glitters on it and no one had gone through it yet? The pureness, and the beauty of it?That weird glow only snow has? And when it’s falling, the stillness of the moment, do you know that? The world seems to pause, and everything is muffled, every sound, as if your ears are full of cotton, drowning out worries and sorrows. That’s what Tessa did to me each time we were together.” He swallowed, wondering why his throat was clogged; worrying if he sounded like a girl, but then figured it didn’t matter. Therapists wanted emotions and all that shebang to be able to tell if you were insane or not, and he was ready to give it to Will.

  “Her friend, Hilary, showed up at the base and told the soldier on duty to tell me to call her. She arranged a meeting to prove I’m an asshole.” He chuckled, remembering that, and saw Will smirk.

  “Little brunette? Icy blue eyes? Protective like Mamma Bear?”

  “That one. I should’ve known she was at the hospital when Tessa was here. Have you spoken to her? She’s something else.”

  “It says a lot about a person how their friends react to them and around them, and the way Hilary was watching your girl… I mean woman, is very intense.”

  Jazz had to laugh. He couldn’t imagine Hilary to be anything but intense. “You could say that. When she thought I had done something to Tessa at the airport she threatened to trace my phone, and that I wouldn’t ever have a quiet night again. I think she said something about knowing people.” He shrugged, still grinning.

  “Your Tessa must be something,” Will mentioned and Jazz nodded solemnly. That woman was everything and more.

  He smiled. “She’s a forever girl, so what did you expect?”

  Tessa almost laughed as Hilary fluttered her lashes at her. “Can I please come? Just in case Jazz messes up? Pretty please?”

  “He won’t, Hils, I promise. And even if he’s not showing, I’ll just do the show with Johnny. I’ve done it before, and people just will have to suck it up. Besides, you had him last night while I was picking out stories.” And boy, had that taken forever. She couldn’t believe that every day the numbers of received emails seemed to double. Additionally people started writing entire novels into those emails, making it impossible to use them for the show because Tessa sucked at summarizing.

  “I wish Aimie and Emma could have stayed longer.” They’d been there a few weeks at the end of summer, but with everything going on, the time had flown by.

  “It was touch and go with you there for a while. I hate to say it, but having them here actually made you better, stronger. You finally know whom to look out for and how to set your priorities straight. However, I have a surprise. They’ll be coming over for Christmas, and so will Evy.”

  Tessa gaped at her friend. “How? I mean, honestly, it’s expensive and… expensive.” She knew at least Aimie had to sell a kidney and a half to get there since Australia was a long way from where they stood right now.

  “I know, but well… Emma played the lottery in Wales, and won a little money. Not enough to make her rich, but enough to get her husband to allow her another trip, and she funded part of Aimie’s trip. We’ve been worried about her, too, you know?”

  Hilary watched her as if she tried figuring out what Tessa knew.

  “I’m not surprised. She’s more withdrawn than ever, and the times we actually managed to FaceTime she didn’t wear an honest smile,” she explained and Hilary nodded.

  “It’s you all over again. Anyway, she didn’t want to go to her family, feeling like an outsider if she’d just be quiet there, uncomfortable, so I invited her if she could swing it. And Emma’s husband decided to do a cool guys’ Christmas beer thing, drawing it out until New Year’s Eve because Emma allowed him to rent a hut in Austria and so one thing came to the other. I don’t know, I feel as if those girls are kinda our family, you know? And I wanted them here. Especially since…”

  Hilary left the sentence unfinished and Tessa sighed, rubbing her palm across her forehead. Especially since she refused to see her parents after finally cutting all ties with them and the rest of her family. She’d never been enough in their eyes, always had been their punching bag, and only after giving birth she realized that this wasn’t how fami
ly worked.

  “They are our family,” she agreed. “However, I’m surprised Evy agreed to come.” Her best friend loved her mother and father like no one else, always making sure she got enough time in with her parents. In fact, Tessa was almost positive they now saw each other weekly, and holidays were their scared family time after all.

  “I’m not. She misses you like crazy, and with both of you having kids now… I know you talk much less to each other than you used to.”

  Tessa swallowed around the lump in her throat because she had to get to work soon and keep it together or she’d look all cried out arriving there.

  “Yes, but that doesn’t mean I love her any less. She’s my best friend, and I know distance sucks. Hell, it already had when I was just supposed to be gone for three weeks, but we’ll make it work somehow. However, all the better she’s coming at Christmas.”

  “Of course she is,” Hilary assured her. “So, can I come to the radio station please? Pretty please? I’ll stay away from you all, I just wanna—”

  “You just wanna see Jazz. I got that, okay? I understand, but he won’t do anything wrong, and he doesn’t need you to make sure he treats his son the right way. He needs me for that, and I am there to do it. I’m Johnny’s mother.”

  “Yes, but I’m your friend, and that guy needs watching with you. I’m not worried about the little boy, Tessa. I’m worried about you. You’ve been a mess because of him before, and what’s there to let us know he’s being serious this time around?”

  Tessa gritted her teeth, all the arguments playing in her mind over and over again, too. She knew that, and she worried about the same things, but she couldn’t go around distrusting Jazz when the contrary was necessary. Besides, it didn’t matter how far away she stayed from Jazz, or how close she was, she would end up heartbroken either way. All she could do was try to keep things on a rather friendly level until she knew one way or the other.