Behind the Tears (Behind the Lives)

by Hansen, Marita A.

  “Tama?”

  Ash nodded.

  “Did the cunt say where he was going?”

  Ash shook his head.

  Chaz frowned. “He must’ve come with the two I shot.”

  “Who were they?”

  “No one concerning you.” Chaz peered through the curtains, then turned back to Ash. “Do you remember what I said I’d do after I got back?”

  Ash shook his head vigorously. “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again.”

  “Too late for sorries, two people are dead cos of you.” Chaz put the gun down on the bed, then grabbed Ash’s underpants.

  “No!” Ash yelled.

  Chaz yanked them down, then pulled out the knife from his pocket and cut the ropes binding Ash’s feet, removing the underpants in one go. Ash lifted his legs, ready to kick out, because there was no way in hell he was letting Chaz get on top of him. He didn’t care what Tama had said, it wasn’t happening.

  “Nice view,” Chaz said.

  “You ain’t touching me!”

  With the knife in one hand and the gun in the other, Chaz moved to the top of the bed. “Don’t move while I cut you free,” he said, pointing the barrel at Ash’s crotch.

  Ash stayed dead still, his eyes locked on the gun. When Chaz finished hacking the ropes, Ash moved his still bound arms in front of him.

  “Roll onto your stomach,” Chaz said.

  “No!”

  Chaz leaned over and whispered into Ash’s ear. “Do as you’re told or I’ll shoot whoever’s in the wardrobe, and if you don’t make a noise I’ll let them live. Understand?”

  Nodding, Ash rolled over, praying he wasn’t going to get fucked. He twisted his head, watching Chaz move down the bed.

  “I’m really gonna enjoy this,” Chaz said, stopping next to the wardrobe. He raised the gun and reached for the door.

  “Don’t hurt me!” Ash yelled at the top of his lungs, diverting Chaz’s attention away from the wardrobe.

  Tama jumped out. Chaz turned and fired off a shot just as Tama knocked the gun to the side. Tama then barrelled into Chaz, taking both of them down while Ash rolled off the bed, ready to help him. Ash jumped back as another shot was fired, then stomped on Chaz’s ankle, causing his stepfather to holler in pain. Taking advantage of the distraction, Tama punched Chaz in the face over and over again until Chaz dropped the gun, then picked it up and aimed it at Chaz’s forehead, pulling the trigger with a bloodied smile.

  The click of an empty cartridge set everything in motion again. Chaz knocked Tama backwards and lunged at him as Tama grabbed his knife. There was a grunt, then, from on top of Tama, Chaz looked up at Ash with wide eyes, his expression filled with shock. Ash’s name fell from his lips along with a trickle of blood, leaving a trail down the side of his chin.

  Tama rolled Chaz off him and removed his knife from Chaz’s torso, the blade covered with blood. Ash turned his head as Tama raised the knife, not wanting to see Chaz die, although he didn’t understand why. He’d imagined killing Chaz so many times, in the most gruesome of ways, but with the sight of a knife about to go into his stepfather—the same way his mother had died, it tore Ash apart, making him want to stop it, but he didn’t. Karma. It wasn’t sweet, it was sick.

  “You didn’t do as you were told!” Tama yelled at Ash. “You almost got me killed!”

  Ash turned back, his gaze instantly going to Chaz, who lay still, with his torso and face painted in blood. “He knew you were in the wardrobe, I had to warn you. And you’re alive.”

  Tama’s angry glare dropped to Chaz. “And he’s fuckin’ dead.”

  “Feel his pulse,” Ash said, not quite believing it.

  “No use, I stabbed him real good,” Tama said, holding out the knife. “So, you better be grateful, cos you owe me your life now, mate.”

  Ash wanted to say he didn’t owe Tama shit, but refrained. “Call the cops for me,” he said, climbing over the bed, the sound of the chain around his waist a reminder of how much he still needed the cunt.

  Tama frowned, his gaze travelling down Ash’s body, making Ash feel uncomfortable. “Sorry for saying that shit ’bout your arse,” Tama said. “It’s warped what that fuck did to you as a kid, no one deserves that. Sumpthin’ similar happened to my cousin Mikey, not with a male, but with his mum. Really sick what some people do to their own kids. I could never hurt a kid, especially not my own.”

  Ash believed him, although he ached to point out that Tama was a rapist too.

  Tama’s lip curled. “I know what you’re thinking, and don’t, Jess fucked me willingly then cried rape.”

  “Why’re you making excuses?” Ash said, angry at the mention of his mate’s wife. “Are you ashamed or sumpthin’?”

  Tama sniffed. “I ain’t ashamed of nuthin’. She wanted me, but wouldn’t admit to it.”

  “You forced her.”

  “I did not. It wuz all Nike’s fault. She should’ve been mine, not his!”

  Ash pointed a finger at Tama. “You stay away from her,” he said, wishing his wrists were freed.

  Tama sneered. “I can do whatever I like and you can’t do shit, motherfucker. So, if you want me to call the pigs for you, tell me you believe me.”

  Ash shook his head.

  Tama raised his brows. “You wanna die in this room, with the rotting carcass of your rapist?”

  “I won’t degrade what Jess went through. Rape destroys people. I wanted to die so many times, and Jess is like that too. She won’t kill herself cos of her pregnancy, but I can see it in her eyes, the desire for everything to stop. You did that to her, you fuckin’ rapist scum, you took her choice away, you made her feel like a worthless piece of meat with no feelings, nuthin’ but a fuck toy for your perverted entertainment. So don’t fuckin’ call the cops, I’d rather die than pretend she isn’t goin’ through hell.”

  Tama stared back.

  “I’m sick of looking at rapists,” Ash said, taking a step forward, readying himself to ram Tama.

  Tama reached back and unlocked the door, quickly opening it. “But I helped you.”

  “And you’ll help yourself to Jess again if I don’t do anything,” Ash said, glancing at the knife in Tama’s hand.

  “I’m not interested in her anymore.”

  “You’re lying.”

  “Believe what you want,” Tama said, raising the knife. “But if you attack me like that you’ll lose.”

  “I don’t care!”

  “Then rot in hell, fucker!”

  Ash ducked as Tama threw the knife at him, the blade nicking his arm, then rushed at Tama, who took off, running for the back of the house. Ash chased after him, yelling at Tama he was going to fucking die! Tama burst through the back door, propelling himself over the steps and landing on the lawn in a crouch. Ash launched himself after him, but got yanked back by the chain, making him fall on the steps. Tama pushed up, his eyes wild, his breathing heavy.

  Ash got to his feet. “You’re a fuckin’ coward! Come here and fight me!”

  “Fuck no!” Tama hollered back. “You’re a crazy motherfucker.”

  “Pussy, pussy, pussy,” Ash taunted, hoping Tama would lose it and attack him. Even with his hands tied, he knew he could take the bastard down.

  “You fuck up!” Tama took a step forward.

  “You’re still outta my reach, pussy. Not so tough without a knife, are ya? Meow.”

  “I helped you!”

  “Is this helping me?” Ash raised his arm and licked the blood off it, enjoying Tama’s freaked out reaction. “It tastes like you tried to kill me.”

  “You threatened me! I wuz defending myself.”

  “Do ya think Sledge will think that when I tell him you tried to kill me?”

  Tama clenched his hands, the look on his face furious, but he remained out of head-butting reach like the coward Ash knew he was. Tama had always run from him, never sticking around to fight.

  “Sledge will believe me!” Tama shouted.

  “Puuussssyy
y, come and geeeeet me.”

  “Fuck you, I ain’t goin’ anywhere near you, you crazy motherfucker. EVER!” Tama flicked him the finger, then turned and disappeared into the pine trees.

  “Coward!”

  “Faggot!” Tama shouted back, but he was long gone, only his voice filtering back through the forest.

  Shaking his head, Ash returned to the bedroom, heading for the knife. Tama had definitely intended on killing him, because the blade was wedged into the wall like Arthur’s sword in stone. He started see-sawing the rope along the knife’s edge, freeing himself. He then went to his stepfather, wanting to make sure that Chaz was dead. He reached for the man’s wrist, but pulled back, afraid to touch him. Cursing himself for being a pussy, he reached out again and fumbled for a pulse, relieved when he couldn’t find one. He got up and sat on the bed, still not believing his stepfather was dead—that his nightmare was just as fallible as he was.

  He didn’t know how long he sat staring at Chaz, but the sound of cars arriving broke the spell. He got up and pulled back the curtains, watching as two police cars came to a halt. Cops piled out with guns in hand, not the usual police, but the armed division swathed in black from head to toe.

  Ash let go of the curtain as he heard them enter the house, shouts of warning accompanying them. He looked down at his body, then snatched up the duvet, covering himself before they burst through the doorway with their guns raised at the ready. The first cop lowered his weapon and headed for Ash while the other moved to the foot of the bed to check on Chaz. “We need ambo now!” the cop yelled into his radio, making Ash nervous, the urgency in the man’s voice suggesting that Chaz was still alive, that he could be saved.

  The sound of more vehicles entering the property came from out the front. Ash ignored the cop talking to him as he watched paramedics enter the room with a stretcher. They lifted Chaz onto it, their bodies crowding over him, then a few seconds later they were carrying him out the door. No, Chaz had to be dead, because he didn’t feel a pulse, plus Tama had stabbed him twice and the blood, fuck, there was so much blood. Ash looked down at his hands, noticing some had gotten onto him. He started wiping it on the duvet, frantic to get it off.

  The cop took his arm. “Ash, sit down.”

  Ash sat down, wondering how the man knew his name. The cop pulled off his headgear and goggles. He had shorn brown hair with a large nose and stunning green eyes, which reminded Ash of someone, although he couldn’t remember who.

  The cop touched Ash’s forehead gently. “Are you hurt anywhere else?”

  Ash shook his head.

  “Did you do that to your stepfather?”

  Ash shook his head again. He wanted to ask how the man knew Chaz was his stepfather, but was unable to speak. He also wanted to tell him about Tama, but all he did was stare at the man’s stunning eyes.

  “Then who stabbed your stepfather?”

  Ash’s gaze flicked to the doorway as two new paramedics entered.

  The cop stood up. “He’s in shock with trauma to the head. Put him on a stretcher.”

  The paramedics laid the stretcher on the floor, then the first one, a tall blond male reminding Ash of Chaz, approached him. Ash yelled at him to back off. The man held up his hands and took a step back.

  “Ash,” the cop said, getting his attention. “He’s not gonna hurt you. He wants to help.”

  Without a word, Ash lifted the duvet, showing him the chain.

  The cop’s eyes went round. “Jesus Christ,” he gasped.

  Feeling ashamed, Ash re-covered himself. He didn’t care about what Tama thought, but having other people know what he’d been through made him feel repulsive.

  “Lift the duvet, I’ll unlock it,” the cop said.

  Ash did as instructed, watching the man open the lock with ease, using something similar to a Swiss knife.

  “Ash, go lie on the stretcher,” the cop said, re-pocketing the knife.

  “How do ya know my name?” Ash finally asked.

  “Your brother phoned through, told us ’bout this place.”

  “Which brother?”

  “Dante, but I still would’ve recognised you. You look so much like your uncle you could be his son.”

  “Uncle Luka?”

  The cop nodded. “Yeah, he’s one of my best mates, known him since high school. That’s the thing about small towns, we know everyone here.” He frowned. “I remember seeing you at your mother’s funeral, but you probably don’t remember me.”

  Ash closed his eyes, the memory returning. The cop had been one of six men who’d carried out his mother’s coffin. Bright green eyes had looked at him so sadly, almost as though the man’s heart had been broken.

  Ash opened his eyes. “Did you love my mother?”

  The cop looked surprised. “Yes, I did, but she didn’t return it.”

  “She made a mistake.”

  The cop smiled sadly. “Thanks.” He removed his sunglasses from his pocket and held them out for Ash to take. “It’s bright outside, you should put these on.”

  Ash did as instructed, only just realising he’d been crying.

  The cop patted his shoulder. “Now, onto the stretcher.”

  Ash lay down on it, making sure the duvet covered his body, then the paramedics lifted him and carried him out.

  35

  Dante

  Dante drove over Dargaville Bridge, the water below a pale brown and blue mix. Farmland stretched for miles behind the car, the Northern Wairoa River separating it from the sleepy township of Dargaville. The pastel bungalows, the colonial homesteads and other weatherboard houses were spread out—the quarter-acre-dream still preserved—taking Dante back to a different era, a time before he was born.

  “I’m sorry for what I said earlier,” Beth said, breaking the silence that had lasted since they’d left Auckland. “I shouldn’t have told you ’bout my fantasies. Considering everything that’s happened, it wuz insensitive and totally inappropriate, but I just wanted to let you know you didn’t do anything wrong, I just wish I’d said it better.”

  Dante nodded. “Apology accepted.”

  “Thank you.” She went silent for a moment, then: “Can I ask you sumpthin’?”

  He glanced at her. “Yeah, what?”

  “Did Chaz sexually abuse you too?”

  “No, why would you ask that?”

  She appeared uncomfortable, like she didn’t want to reply.

  “Beth?”

  “It’s how you behave sometimes.” She cleared her throat. “Ash does the brooding thing, whereas you’re wild. You two may act differently, but you’re both similar in your extremes, plus you’re promiscuous.”

  He grunted, a little annoyed. “You’re onto that shit ’bout me being a slut again, aren’t cha?”

  “No, this is not about me calling you names; it’s about the way you act around both women and men. You flirt with everyone, and almost everything you do or say has a sexual overtone. You can be eating perfectly innocently in a restaurant, then when someone catches your eye, you purposely lick the spoon or knife in a sexual manner—or even worse, that time with the breadstick. That poor waiter at my birthday lunch looked so embarrassed.”

  “That’s cos he came in his pants,” Dante laughed.

  “It’s not funny, and you shouldn’t treat people like sexual objects. It’s as though you’re working out in your mind how you can do them.”

  “I haven’t fucked a bloke before, well, apart from their faces, but if I go whole hog I’ll let ya watch,” he said, wanting to goad her.

  “Dante!”

  He started laughing. “Don’t have a hernia, I wuz having ya on, I’m not interested in that shit.”

  “But they don’t know that with the way you flirt with them, cos if I didn’t know your sexual preferences I wouldn’t be able to tell either.”

  “So what? It’s fun, and some of them bring it on themselves. That waiter wouldn’t stop staring at me, and why are you so wound up about it, cos everyo
ne else thought it wuz funny.”

  “Me and Juliet didn’t.”

  “Cos you both don’t have a sense of humour,” he said, stopping at a give-way sign.

  “He gave you his number, which meant you would’ve hurt his feelings when you didn’t call.”

  Dante laughed again. “Sucker.”

  “This is not funny. That wuz mean. You’re like a sexual predator, stalking your prey.”

  “Stalking my prey? That’s just spastic. And he slipped me his number, not the other way round.”

  “You do stalk people. You did it to me in the dining-room. You were so scary. I’m not saying it didn’t turn me on, but at the beginning I thought you were goin’ to hit me—”

  “I would never hit a woman!”

  “I know that, but you gave the impression that you would, and you were so sexually aggressive, which makes me think you were sexually abused.”

  “I guess you’re right ’bout me being sexually abused.”

  “I knew it.”

  “Cos that naked photo you took of me could be counted as sexual abuse.” He glanced to see her reaction, and as expected her face dropped.

  “I apologised for that.”

  He started driving again. “I know, but I’m still pissed with you over it, cos it bloody went viral. After that photo, people started seeing me as public property.”

  “What do ya mean?”

  “I got groped more after that. Free to touch and use as they please—public property. I even had a few chicks ask for my autograph like I wuz some sort of porn star, while another one tried to have her friend film us while we were having sex. I caught her in the closet.” He glanced at Beth.

  “I’m so sorry,” she said, looking horrified. “You should report them.”

  He shrugged. “Nah, I’m used to it now, plus sometimes it’s my own fault.”

  “Why’s it your fault?”

  “You already know why: I lead people on. It gives me a boner knowing how much they want me, but they can’t do anything about it, which is why it’s even more fun doin’ it to gay guys, cos I’m never tempted to go with them. Though, it’s gotten me into shit a few times, cos guys don’t like being cock-teased.”

  “What happened?”