(Never) Again

by Theresa Paolo

  The annoying thing was that if it wasn’t for Zach, I never would’ve cared so much about our beaches and how we could ruin an entire ecosystem simply by not using a trash can. Every time we went to the beach he packed an extra bag for garbage and made sure not to leave a single piece behind.

  For six months I hadn’t thought about him and now I couldn’t get him out of my head. As if he were a disease and I a hypochondriac—he was constantly on my mind.

  Maybe it was because I’d just seen him for the first time in over a year and it was still fresh. But it was more than that. As much as Zach was the same, he was different. He wasn’t a boy anymore. The baby face was gone, replaced with a more chiseled one. His strong jaw was sprinkled with dark stubble. I’d always thought he was hot. But now. Damn.

  Hot or not , he was the asshole who broke my heart. And I’d moved on. What I was feeling was a completely normal reaction to an old love. All I had to do was avoid him as much as possible. I couldn’t in my Monday-Wednesday writing class, but the rest of the time I was Zach-free.

  When I got to the classroom I sat next to Professor Mulligan’s desk. Vicky and Tanya strolled in and took their usual seats in the corner.

  Professor Mulligan’s laugh flowed into the classroom. I looked up, ready to greet her, when every ounce of patience I had left shattered.

  Walking in with her, as if they were old friends, was Zach. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I wanted to scream and throw the eraser that sat on the desk beside me at his head.

  “Liz, you’re here. Good. This is Zach. He’s in my Marine Science class. He’s very passionate about the ocean and our beaches.” She patted Zach on the shoulder, a little too excited, even for her.

  I hoped she was kidding. Didn’t she know me well enough to notice the disapproval shining in my eyes? By the way Zach flinched away, it was obvious he could.

  Unfortunately, she wasn’t kidding.

  “With his passion and knowledge I think he’ll be a wonderful asset to our group. I talked him into joining. Isn’t that great?” You would think she’d just talked the president into speaking to us with the way she kept rising up and down on her toes.

  “We have enough people. We don’t need any more,” I said as I shuffled through some papers, refusing to look up. One glance at him and the ache in my heart that took so long to go away came back. I didn’t want it back. I wanted him to disappear, return to where he came from and just leave me alone.

  “Liz, we can always use an extra set of hands,” she said. I wanted to scream.

  Instead I rolled my eyes and flipped open my notebook acting as if whatever was on the blank pages was more important than the conversation we were having. Professor Mulligan was my mentor at Farmingdale State, and we had a standing coffee date every other Thursday—she clearly knew me well enough to know something was up.

  “Zach, take a seat while Liz and I go over today’s agenda? Then we’ll get started.”

  “Sure.” He walked away and I couldn’t help watching. A year ago I’d been able to pick him out of a crowd from behind. Not anymore. He was taller. All broad shoulders and big biceps. A narrow waist gave way to a great butt. Not like I noticed or anything.

  “Liz, a moment,” Professor Mulligan said as she walked out the door.

  I followed her into the empty hallway and leaned my body against the cool tiled wall.

  “Do you know him?” she asked, hitching her thumb over her shoulder towards the classroom.

  “He’s my ex from high school. Bad breakup.”

  “I’m sorry.” She rested her hand on my shoulder. “I had no idea.”

  How was she supposed to know? It’s not like I walked around with an “I dated Zach Roberts” name tag.

  “It’s okay. Our personal relationship should have nothing to do with it. Besides. He’s really good at this stuff. Can even credit him for my own interest in it.”

  She gave me a hopeful look. “Do you think you two will ever work out your differences?”

  “No!” I caught myself yelling and lowered my voice. “You know I’m with Joe, and I’m happy. He makes me happy.” She was more than aware of my relationship with Joe. He even joined us for coffee on a couple of occasions.

  “I didn’t necessarily mean boyfriend and girlfriend. I was talking friendship,” she said, arms crossed, eyes focused on mine.

  “That’s not going to happen.”

  “We’ll see.” Then she walked away.

  What was that about? What was she trying to prove? I wanted to run after her and argue. We wouldn’t see because it wouldn’t happen. But there was no use arguing. People were going to think what they wanted and because of our history, I’m sure they were thinking a lot. Too much. And because most of these people didn’t know details it was all speculation.

  There was nothing I could do about that though. So I did the only thing I could do. I walked back into that classroom with my head held high as if Zach’s presence wasn’t weighing heavy on my heart.

  Chapter 6

  The bowling alley wasn’t far from our apartment, and it was the perfect place to hang out with our friends without spending our entire month’s grocery funds. By the time we got there, the parking lot was already packed. Sadie looped around the lot a couple times before finally spotting a car pulling out.

  She put her blinker on but as she drove to the spot, a copper orange Jeep Wrangler stole it.

  “You had your blinker on. What the hell?” I threw my hands up in hopes the inconsiderate moron in the Jeep would see.

  Sadie shrugged. “Whatever, we’ll keep looking.”

  “No! We won’t. That was your spot.” I rolled my window down and waited.

  “Seriously, Liz, we can get another spot. What if they’re crazy and they have a gun in their truck and they kill us and then toss our bodies into the river.”

  “You watch too much TV.”

  Sadie let off the brake just as Zach stepped out from the Jeep. Of course. I should have guessed. It was like he came here to make my life a living hell. Why wouldn’t he steal the parking spot Sadie was clearly pulling into?

  “I’m waiting,” Sadie said.

  “For what?” I asked as I rolled up the window.

  “Now that I know it’s just Zach and not some psycho killer I want to see you battle.”

  “Forget it. Just loop around again. I’m sure another space opened up.” I wasn’t in the mood to deal with Zach. If I started with him, he’d be guaranteed to find pleasure in my discontent, and I refused to let that happen.

  The three more laps around the parking lot it took to finally find a spot gave me time to calm my nerves. This night was about hanging out with my friends and my boyfriend, and I wasn’t going to let Zach’s presence ruin it.

  The bowling alley was just as crowded as the parking lot. Tuesday night was disco bowling from eight to ten. The white pins glowed beneath the black lights and a rainbow of colors showered down in streams from the overhead strobe lights. Techno music pumped out of the speakers and most people danced in their lanes.

  Scott, Ruthie, Matt and Joe were in our usual two lanes towards the back. Zach was there too and as soon as Sadie and I headed in their direction his eyes snapped to mine. It was like he had a built-in radar and it was seriously getting on my nerves.

  “Babe, you’re here,” Joe said, as he took me into his arms. I relished the fact that Zach shifted uncomfortably in his chair to talk to Matt. Joe kissed my forehead, his nose resting on top of my head, and then pulled me towards our friends. “I was just telling Zach about how you bowled a turkey last week.”

  Joe and Zach bonding was the absolute last thing I wanted.

  “That’s pretty impressive Lizzi . . . Liz. I remember when you couldn’t even get the ball to stay in the lane.” I ignored his attempt to bring up the past and sat down to put on the shoes Joe had already
got for me. “We used to call her the Gutter Queen.”

  “No you used to call me that. No one else did.” I tugged my laces tight, stood and grabbed Sadie’s arm. “Do you need to get a ball? I need to get a ball,” I said and pulled her off the chair. Her black hair whipped around as she spun towards me.

  “I was . . . Okay, I guess I need a ball.”

  I didn’t let go of Sadie’s arm until we were halfway across the alley.

  “Okay, are you going to explain that to me now?” she asked, tucking her hair behind her ear.

  “I don’t believe him!” I blurted out.

  “I’m gonna need more than that, Liz.”

  “He just comes back into my life like it’s no big deal. He starts popping up everywhere. My college, my committee, and now he’s bonding with Joe. Why is he talking to Joe? I don’t want him talking to Joe.”

  “Okay, sit down.” Sadie relaxed onto a stool by the snack bar.

  “I don’t want to sit.” I paced back and forth. I had so much pent up energy I couldn’t sit even if I wanted to.

  “I’m going to ask you something and I want you to promise me you’re not going to rip my head off,” she said and held her hands up as if reasoning with me.

  I stopped pacing, arms crossed, eyes narrowed. “What?”

  “Promise,” she repeated.

  “Fine, I promise,” I said, pacing again.

  “Are you not over him?”

  My teeth clenched and my feet came to an abrupt stop. “That’s ridiculous. It was what? Over a year ago? We’re not even the same people anymore. I grew up. Moved on. Of course I’m over him.”

  “I’m saying this because you are my best friend and I love you.” She grabbed my hand and stared me down with those gray eyes of hers. “I don’t think you are.”

  “No. I . . .”

  “Look. I’ve known you since the third grade, which pretty much makes me an expert on all things Liz. And I can tell there is still something there, and it might be miniscule, and it might be pushed way in the back of your mind, but it’s there whether you want to admit to it or not.”

  I fell into the chair next to her. “I don’t want it to be.”

  Sadie was right. I just didn’t want to admit to it. Zach hurt me. He moved away and stopped calling and that should’ve been enough to resolve any feelings I had towards him, but it didn’t. A piece of me still loved the boy who baked cookies with me on Wednesdays and kissed me underneath the monkey bars.

  It was just a little piece of me though. The rest of me loved Joe. Joe, who had never hurt me and never would. Besides, Zach was my first love, so of course a part of me would always love him.

  “I know,” Sadie said and put her arm around my shoulder. “I just wanted you to admit it. The first step is admitting and once you get by that you can move on. So let’s go bowl with our friends and your boyfriend and help you get on with your life. What do you say?”

  “Let’s do this.”

  I walked back to the group and right into Joe’s arms. Zach bowled a strike and Joe jumped up to give him a high five. As their hands hit midair, Zach looked over Joe’s shoulder and winked at me in all his cocky glory.

  Some things changed and some things stayed exactly the same. Zach had always been a good bowler. While I was the Gutter Queen, he was King of the Strikes. He tried so many times to teach me, but I was hopeless.

  “Liz, you’re up.” Joe gave me a tap on my butt and sent me off like I was in the NFL. I took my eight-pound hot-pink ball and got into place. God, I wanted to get a strike so bad. I wanted Zach to see I wasn’t that incapable sixteen-year-old girl anymore.

  When the moment felt right, I went for it, swinging my arm back and sliding my right leg behind me as I let the ball go. I thought about walking away before seeing the ball make contact with the pins, but decided that might make me look too cocky. So I did as I always did and waited at the line as the ball made its way down the lane.

  It hit the center pin at the perfect angle, and all the pins fell down. I jumped up and down in victory and turned around with a huge smile on my face. Joe swept me up off my feet, twirling me around.

  When he put me down everybody clapped and I curtseyed for them before walking back to my seat. I sat and felt someone behind me.

  “Nice form,” Zach said into my ear. I raised my eyes to his and then offered him a grin. After all, it was the form he taught me. “I guess you’re feeling better?”

  “I guess so.” And as much as it pained me to say it, I forced the words out. “And thanks. For last night.” Even though he was the reason I was in that situation in the first place, Sadie made me feel like I had no choice but to say it.

  “Like I said, Josh would’ve killed me.”

  “I’m trying to be nice here. Can you just give it to me?”

  He smirked, his lip curling up at the corner. “And I know it’s killing you, so I’m trying to make like it wasn’t a big deal.”

  I glanced up, catching his eyes. With the heat that radiated off of them, I’m surprised they didn’t melt, but neither of us looked away. We were locked in a moment no one else would understand.

  “Hey Zach! It’s your turn,” Scott called out.

  Zach snapped his eyes away from me, bringing us back to reality. He grabbed his ball and took on the same form as I used. I could tell it would be a strike before the ball even hit the lane.

  I sat back down next to Joe. His hand grabbed mine and brought it to his lips.

  We were in our seventh frame when Joe jumped up. “I’m going to hit the bathroom. I’ll be right back,” Joe said just as Zach made his way back from bowling another strike.

  I crossed my legs and turned my body towards Sadie, but she was talking to Scott and Ruthie. It was Matt’s turn to bowl, so I was on my own with Zach. Again.

  “Having a good time?” Zach asked as he sat in Joe’s seat.

  “I was until you came over here.”

  “God, how I missed your loving personality.”

  “What do you want, Zach?” I asked, my tone a little harsher than I intended.

  “To be friends,” he said, an obvious plea in his tone, and for a second I felt a lump form in my throat.

  “Why?” I asked. It was a simple question. A question from the past that I never got an answer to. I knew that answer wouldn’t tell me what I wanted to know, but it didn’t stop me from thinking about all those times I waited by the phone for a call that never came.

  “Because,” he said and as soon as I heard his voice my eyes snapped to his. “I hate that every time we’re in the same room you look like you’re enduring Chinese water torture.”

  “I do not.”

  He tilted his head and looked at me with a furrowed brow. “Do too.” A year ago my insides would have liquefied right there, but his childish charm lost its power over me the day he stopped calling.

  “I’m not arguing with you.” We were freshman in college, not five-year-olds on the playground.

  “I’m not asking you too.”

  I didn’t remember him being so annoying. I just wanted to enjoy a nice night out with my friends, and he was making it impossible. So what if I looked like I was being tortured every time we were in a room together. What was it to him?

  “Look. If I say I’ll think about it can you leave me alone?” I figured it was my best bet. My one and only way out of the conversation.

  “As long as you’re not saying that just to get rid of me.”

  Did he become a mind reader in the past year? Sheesh.

  “I’m not. I’ll think about it and let you know.” I bit the inside of my lip to keep it from twitching. Either it worked or the flashing disco lights made it hard to catch.

  “I guess that’s better than nothing.”

  Joe returned and slumped into the seat next to Zach. Zach shifted
away as if Joe had the Ebola virus. “You guys bowl like exactly the same,” Joe said and my stomach twisted.

  I was pretty sure Joe knew Zach and I used to date. Granted he started hanging out with our group right after Zach left, but he had to know.

  My body was tense as Zach explained. “I taught her my skills when we were dating.” Zach locked eyes with me before finishing. “Never thought she actually listened to what I was saying.” The disco lights were only adding to my nausea.

  Then Joe said, “Oh, that makes sense. Forgot about that, but it was like a gazillion years ago. So do you get a strike like every time?”

  “Pretty much,” Zach said.

  I couldn’t help but laugh. I might not have seen Zach bowl in over a year but I knew damn well he wasn’t getting a strike every time he went up there.

  “Yeah right,” I said.

  “Excuse me?” Zach said, a grin tugging at the left corner of his mouth.

  “You heard me. You’re full of it.” I raised my eyebrows, challenging him to continue the lie.

  His eyes fixated on me. “Maybe. Maybe not. I guess we’ll find out.”

  “Why don’t we make it interesting?” Joe asked. “Twenty bucks says you don’t.” He took out his wallet and slapped a twenty on his leg.

  “You’re going against me?” Zach asked.

  “I have to stick with my girl,” Joe winked at me. “I’m sure you understand.”

  “Absolutely,” Zach glanced over at me flashing an unreserved grin. “You’re on.” Zach turned and shook Joe’s hand before he got up and bowled another strike.

  Ruthie jumped up and down, applauding, Sadie yelled out her approval, and Scott walked over to get in on the bet. Joe slid over and placed a hand on my knee. Zach came back to sit beside us, and I thought, just maybe, this friend thing could eventually work.

  Chapter 7

  It was Columbus Day weekend, and Josh was taking a break from his second year at Springfield University to come visit me. Though I knew he was really coming for the parties and the girls.