(Never) Again

by Theresa Paolo

  Instead I stared at them, looking into their eyes. I heard more screams, but the reporters’ words blended into static. Zach’s arm wrapped around me like a shield and guided me through the door. When we walked into the hospital, though, not even Zach was able to give me the strength I needed to ignore what I saw.

  I heard her before I saw her—the blood-curdling screams of a mother who had just found out her child would never come home again. The pain was nearly unbearable as it exploded in my gut. I almost turned around. I almost ran away and never looked back.

  Then Josh’s face passed through my mind. His cocky grin, his dirty blond hair falling just above his light eyes. The image of him got me to make the turn that brought me face-to-face with the grieving mother.

  I didn’t expect to catch her gaze. I didn’t think she was capable of concentrating on anything else other than her inconsolable pain. But there we were, staring at each other. Tears streamed down her dark skin. A man helped her from the floor and for whatever reason she stayed focused on me.

  Maybe she sensed I was about to go through something similar. I hoped I wasn’t, but my doubts started to overtake my rational thoughts.

  It was the longest ten seconds of my life.

  As I continued to look at her grief-stricken face, a tear slipped down my cheek. My nose scrunched in the way it does when I’m about to lose control of my emotions and I bit my lip as I gave a slight understanding nod of acknowledgement.

  Her expression mimicked mine and even though no words passed between us, I knew we were in this together, and I understood some semblance of what she was going through.

  She was the first to look away as she turned back into the arms of the man who was with her. I looked on for a second more before Zach pulled me towards the main desk.

  A petite woman with short brown hair and big brown eyes greeted us. I could tell by the crease in her brow and the bags under her eyes that this was probably the worst day of her career.

  “Hi,” she said, the word a bit too anxious. As if she knew she was about to shatter my world.

  I went to speak, but no words came. My throat became hot and dry as a lump formed. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get words around it.

  I looked to Zach, needing him in that moment more than I ever had before. I might be a tough chick, but I couldn’t do this alone. I needed him. I needed him to be my voice. To give the lady the information she needed in order to find my brother. To let me know if he was alive or dead. She wouldn’t give me the information directly, but I’d be able to tell by the look on her face.

  I waited for Zach to speak as the woman waited for one of us to say something. Anything.

  If it was the other way around and Josh was the one coming for me, he would have blurted out all of the information. Heck, he would have been searching rooms to find me. But that was Josh. And as tough as Zach insisted I was, I was not my brother. I would never be as tough as him.

  I tried to speak again. Another failed attempt. I squeezed Zach’s hand, hoping it would show how much I needed him.

  “We’re looking for Josh Wagner. He was one of the shooting victims.” Zach’s voice cracked, and my heart skipped a beat.

  Chapter 18

  I looked to the lady behind the desk, studying her features intently as she typed Josh’s name into the system so that I could recognize a bad reaction.

  I didn’t realize I was squeezing Zach’s hand until he shook it to lessen my grip. I was surprised I even felt it. I was numb again. Nothing around me existed. Only the woman behind the desk.

  Her eyes scanned the screen and I followed each motion of her head, desperately trying to acquire any sort of information. Anything to let me know that when she opened her mouth to speak, my world wouldn’t fall down around me.

  “I just need to make a call,” she said and turned her face away.

  Why would she turn away? Did she know I was looking for hints from her expression? Was the information on her screen something she wasn’t authorized to tell me?

  My hand tightened around Zach’s again. This time he didn’t shake it away. He let me squeeze until I couldn’t squeeze anymore. I could tell he was as tense as I was. His eyes focused on the back of the woman’s head waiting for what she would say next.

  “Yes, Josh Wagner,” she said into the phone. My heart pounded against my chest. I swear it felt as if it was about to jump out onto the counter.

  That same vision of Josh lying in a pool of blood flashed back into my mind. I tried to push it away. I turned my attention to the television hanging above the waiting room only to see Springfield University’s campus covered in bright yellow police tape and tons of police walking in and out of the science building.

  “I don’t like this,” I said to no one in particular. My teeth bit down on the inside of my cheek. I tasted blood but I didn’t care. Just like I didn’t care that I was cutting off the circulation to Zach’s hand. I needed something to hold on to. Something to keep me grounded. And those two things were all I had control over.

  More cops walked past. More sounds of grief echoed through the stark waiting room. It took all I had not to cover my ears and run away.

  “What is your relation to Mr. Wagner?” The lady turned and I was able to focus on her features again. She had a real poker face. Not a single emotion showed in the dark skin of her face.

  “I-I’m his si-sister,” I forced the words out.

  “He just got out of surgery. I was calling to see if he is allowed visitors yet.”

  “Is he? Is he okay?” The surgery was over. Why did they need to operate? Did he still have a leg? Were they sure he wasn’t shot anywhere else? What if he was paralyzed?

  “The doctors will know more, but he’s out of surgery and allowed visitors so that’s definitely a good thing,” she said.

  I wanted to collapse. That was the most reassuring thing I had to go on. At least until I was able to see Josh myself.

  “So can I see him?” I asked, anticipation and fear all rolling into one.

  “You can. What is your relationship to Mr. Wagner?” The woman turned her attention to Zach.

  “A friend,” he said, flashing her his most charming smile.

  “I’m sorry but only family is allowed to see him at the moment.”

  My eyes shot to Zach’s, my legs becoming weak beneath me. I shook my head back and forth as tears made their way back down my cheeks.

  “He has to go with me,” I said, turning back to the woman.

  “I’m sorry but it’s hospital policy. Family only.” She looked away from me and back to her computer screen.

  “You don’t understand.” I put my hand down on the counter waiting for her to look back at me. “I have to see my brother. But I can’t do it alone. My parents are on vacation and I’m the only person here for him. I can’t not see him. But I can’t do it alone either. I can’t. I just can’t. I . . .” My head fell into my hands. Uncontrollable sobs sent my body into minor seizures.

  Zach reached out to me, pulling me in to his chest. He pushed the hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear. His chest was warm and comforting and I wanted to curl up in a ball and hide there until my parents arrived.

  “Okay,” I heard the lady say. “If anyone asks, you’re his cousin,” she said, handing over two passes. “Under normal circumstances you’d have to check in at the nurse’s station, but we’re shorthanded. Just head back.”

  “Okay,” Zach said.

  The lady kept talking, but I couldn’t hear her. I was too focused on her face, trying to pick up on something, anything to tell me she might be lying so she wouldn’t have to witness another person collapsing in grief.

  Zach’s arms fell from my waist, one moving to his side, the other resting on my lower back as he guided me towards the entrance to the ICU.

  I hated hospitals. My grandfathe
r died in a hospital. I didn’t trust them. I didn’t like the look or the smell. The ICU was worse. So many people hooked up to tubes. If it wasn’t for Zach’s hand on my back I would have collapsed.

  “He’s right this way.” Zach pointed around a corner and I came to a stop. “What’s the matter?” he asked.

  I couldn’t talk. I froze. I shook my head as tears spilled out. “I don’t know what to expect. I don’t want to go in first.” How was I supposed to be there for Josh when I couldn’t even get myself to walk past the damn curtain?

  “Okay.” Zach walked in front of me and I followed.

  When we reached the curtain where Josh was, I stopped and watched as Zach disappeared. I listened, hoping to hear Josh’s voice.

  Nothing.

  I heard Zach’s voice though. “Hey, man. How you feeling?”

  Silence.

  “Yeah, getting shot must suck. Not so fun when you’re actually in the game, huh?” Zach said.

  Zach kept talking, but why couldn’t I hear Josh? Was Zach holding a one-sided conversation or was Josh talking and I couldn’t hear him over the ventilators and heart monitors?

  “She’s here,” I heard as I continued to listen. “I know, she’s such a girl, isn’t she? Being scared of her own brother. What’s that about?”

  “I am not scared of my brother!” I declared as I stepped around the curtain.

  Josh, my brother who was always bigger than life looked small. Feeble. Completely out of it. Connected to a hundred different wires and machines.

  “I thought you . . . weren’t scared . . . of me.” Just talking seemed like a struggle for him. What horrors had he gone through? What had he seen? Who was I to be scared of anything when Josh had been stuck in a building with a gunman out for blood? Suddenly my fear seemed pointless.

  “I’m not,” I said as I did everything in my power to keep the tears from flowing out again. “Oh my God, Josh. Are you okay? How are you? Does it hurt?” I ran from my spot in the doorway and threw myself across his chest, not even thinking that I could have hurt him or pulled one of the wiry things out. “I thought I lost you.”

  “We both know . . . you . . . have never been . . . that lucky.” Even with tubes through his nose and attached to his arms he was still a smartass. Thank God.

  “Good to see getting shot didn’t change you,” I said, a smile tugging at my lips for the first time in hours.

  “Never,” he said, trying his hardest to smirk but falling short.

  “Your parents are trying to get a flight out of the Caribbean right now,” Zach said. “Hopefully they’ll be here by tomorrow.”

  Josh nodded as best he could. His eyes rolled back and just like that he was asleep. At first I didn’t realize he was sleeping. My eyes widened and I jumped from the bed looking around as if I could do something to help him. Didn’t these rooms have call buttons in case of emergency? Wasn’t this an emergency?

  “He’s drugged up. It’s normal.” Zach placed his hand on my shoulder.

  I took a deep breath, slowly realizing I didn’t have anything to worry about. Granted, I had yet to talk to a doctor or a nurse, but that didn’t matter as much anymore. I’d seen Josh with my own eyes. I’d talked to him. He was the same Josh, just drugged and hooked up to a million wires.

  Josh’s eyes opened again. He looked excited to see us but it could have been the pain medication.

  “Liz. Zach,” he said, as if he didn’t just have a conversation with either of us. “You didn’t . . . have . . . to come.” Just hearing the struggle in his voice was breaking my heart. I wanted to make it all go away. I wanted to take away his pain.

  I took his hand in mine. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  “Psst.”

  “What Josh? What is it?” Slowly he lifted his hand and waved his finger at me to come closer. I followed his instructions and leaned in. “What is it? Do you need something? Tell me.” I looked over his tubes to make sure nothing fell out, to make sure all monitors were reading properly.

  “They stuck a tube in my dick,” he said, and if he had had the ability, he would have flashed his big-toothed grin. Instead it was a half-lip lift.

  “Oh my God! Josh!” I screeched while Zach fell into a fit of hysterical laughter. “I’m glad you can still joke in a situation like this.” I stood up from his bedside and stormed away. I’d spent the last five hours wondering if my brother was dead. From finding out about the shooting to the waiting to finally seeing him, it was the worst five hours of my life, and when I finally get to see him, he turns it into a joke.

  “Lizzie, come on,” Zach called after me. I was about to walk through the curtain and out into the main area when I felt Zach’s hand on my shoulder.

  “Lizzie, be happy he’s still himself,” he said softly in my ear.

  Zach was right. Again! Ugh, I hated that. I was over hating him but that didn’t mean I would stop hating the fact that he always proved me wrong.

  I turned back around in time to see Josh’s head hang down as a loud snore escaped. That made me laugh. If I closed my eyes I could pretend I was in my room with the pillow over my head, trying to drown out his snoring.

  But I knew when I opened them he would still be hooked up to wires and no matter how hard I tried, the cramped ICU room could never take on a resemblance to my bedroom.

  Instead of trying to imagine a different scenario, I decided to accept the one I was facing. I sat down on Josh’s bed and took his hand in mine.

  “Visiting hours are almost over. He needs his rest,” a nurse said as she came into the room. She walked over to Josh and checked his monitors. I didn’t want to get up but I quickly realized I was in the way.

  “They can’t be,” I said. We had just gotten there.

  “I’m sorry,” she said as she checked an IV bag. “I don’t make the rules.”

  “I know. Is he okay? I mean, is he going to be okay?” I asked, grateful I finally was able to speak to someone who might be able to give me more information.

  “He’s going to be just fine. The bullet hit his leg and he did lose a lot of blood, but he was one of the last people shot, which probably saved his life. He was lucky. Who knows if we’d be having this conversation if they didn’t get to him when they did.”

  My heart stopped. I couldn’t imagine a world where Josh no longer existed. I felt Zach moving closer to me.

  “They had to do a transfusion and the surgery was to remove the bullet and repair the artery. But with a little rehabilitation and determination, he’ll be back to himself in no time.”

  “Hey, beautiful,” Josh said, coming to when the nurse moved a wire before changing an IV bag.

  “Maybe even sooner than later,” she said with a laugh. “He’s a real charmer, your brother.”

  He was. Even in a dowdy hospital gown, with disheveled hair and his eyes droopier than a bloodhound, he was. Even a bullet couldn’t change him.

  “Yeah, but I’m immune to it. In time you will be too.” I sat in the chair next to the bed.

  “Getting shot . . . doesn’t even . . . get me . . . sympathy.” Josh turned to look at the nurse then winced when he accidently moved his leg.

  “You need to stop flirting and start focusing on getting better,” she said. “Now get some rest. I’ll come back later.”

  “They . . . always do,” he said in true Josh fashion, right before falling back asleep.

  The nurse left and I went to take my spot back on the bed when Zach grabbed my arm.

  “We should go,” he said.

  “I’m not going anywhere.” I yanked my arm out of his hold and sat beside Josh on the bed.

  Zach walked over to me. “Liz, you heard the nurse. He needs his rest.”

  “And he can get that with me here, so I don’t see a reason for leaving.”

  “You need sleep,” he said.


  “I can sleep here.” I was tempted to stand and stomp my foot but I refrained. I wasn’t going to resort to childish tactics. “I’m sure I can get a pillow and a blanket, and I’ll just put two chairs together in the waiting room. I’ll be fine.”

  “Look, I saw a hotel around the corner,” Zach said. “We can give the nurse our cell numbers. If anything happens they can call us and we can be here immediately. You need to get some sleep. Don’t roll your eyes at me.”

  I crossed my arms over my chest, determined to stand my ground. Then the damn nurse poked her head back in.

  “I’m really sorry but visiting hours are over. He needs his rest. You can come back tomorrow. Visiting hours start at eight.”

  “See?” Zach said. “Come on, let’s go. We can calm down and watch some TV—I’ll even let you have the remote.”

  “No!” I yelled, immediately turning to Josh, worried I woke him. But he was snoring again.

  “You can’t talk to him until tomorrow anyway. He can’t even tell if you’re here or not right now.” I could see the frustration burning in his eyes. For the most part Zach could keep his cool, but it had been a long day, and it was apparent his patience was waning.

  “That’s not the point. Whether he knows or not, I will know. I will know if I was here. I need to be here. You can go if you want.” I waved my hand towards the curtain.

  “I’m not leaving you here by yourself,” he said and moved closer.

  “And I’m not leaving him here by himself. He already went through so much alone. I can’t leave him, Zach.”

  “You’re not leaving him.” Zach came over to me, resting his hands on my shoulders.

  “I—” I went to speak but the words wavered. Tears stung the corners of my eyes. All I wanted was to curl up next to my brother, just like I used to do when we were kids.

  I had been scared of the dark, and he’d always let me come in his room whenever I heard a weird noise in the night. He’d even go as far as checking in his closet and under his bed for the monsters so I could rest easy.

  “Look, this is one argument you are not going to win because if I have to, I will carry you out of here. You’re no use to your brother exhausted. Get a few hours of sleep and then we’ll be back first thing in the morning.”