(Never) Again

by Theresa Paolo

  “Goodnight.”

  Sleep sounded good. It was exactly what I needed, but as soon as the light turned off in the room, the one in my head sparked on. A million thoughts ran in circles in my brain and no matter how many times I tossed and turned, I couldn’t turn them off.

  The woman from the hospital popped back into my head, and I relived the whole heartbreaking moment over and over again. I wondered if there was something I could have done. If I should have reached out to her? Spoken to her? Hugged her? There had to have been something I could have done. Anything. I didn’t notice the tears that slipped down my cheek. And didn’t even know I was crying until I felt Zach’s weight on the bed.

  “It’s going to be okay,” he said, moving closer to me.

  “I know. I just can’t stop crying.” I swiped at the tears, willing them to disappear.

  “Come here,” he said, holding out his arms.

  I moved until my back was pressed against his bare chest. His arm wrapped around my waist and pulled me closely into him. His body was warm and his presence made me feel safe. I knew he would protect me from any nightmares.

  I focused on the warmth of his skin. The feel of his hand on my stomach and the smell of his cologne. Anything to keep the visions away. To keep me safe in my own mind.

  “Zach,” I said, so low I wasn’t sure if I said it aloud or in my head.

  “Yeah?” His breath was hot against my ear. I could smell mint from the toothpaste.

  “Thanks.” Even if it was a pointless, the simple word needed to be said.

  “Don’t mention it. Now try to go to sleep. I’m not going anywhere. And if you still need to cry, that’s okay too.” His arm tightened around my waist.

  But my tears had dried. The urge to cry hadn’t rushed over me since Zach pulled me close. As long as he was there, I didn’t need to anymore. I turned in his arms to face him.

  “I’m done crying,” I said with defiance.

  “Good. Because I meant it when I said I hate seeing you cry. Makes me feel helpless, and I don’t like to be helpless.”

  “You’re not,” I said, wiping away the last remains of tears from my cheeks.

  “I felt like I was all day,” he said. “I wanted to make the tears stop. I wanted to take your pain away. Seeing you upset made me sick. I’m sorry you had to go through that.” His fingers moved across my forehead, tucking away the hair covering my face.

  “I had you to go through it with. You made it better in a way that only you could have.” He didn’t respond with words. He kissed the top of my head and held me.

  He could have made a move on me, taken total advantage of the situation. I was vulnerable. I wouldn’t have pushed him away or tried to stop him.

  But he didn’t. He wouldn’t, because he was Zach. And whether I wanted to admit it or not, he cared about me. Just as I cared about him.

  I awoke to Zach’s phone playing a horrendous noise that could only be from one of his video games. His arm still draped over me. He hadn’t let me go once through the whole night and I didn’t have one nightmare.

  “Zach,” I said turning to get his attention when suddenly I felt something poke me in the back. “Oh my God!” I jumped from the bed. “Zach! What the hell!”

  “What?” he asked in a sleepy and, I’m ashamed to admit, very sexy state.

  I directed my eyes down.

  “What?” he looked down at his boxer shorts then back at me, a cocky smile settling on his face. “It’s morning wood. It happens.”

  “Ugh!” I rolled my eyes and stomped over to his phone and threw it at his head. His reflexes were good for someone who had just woken up and he caught it before it hit. “Your phone was ringing.”

  He took the phone in his hand and scrolled to the missed calls. It was probably Tanya. Where had that come from? It was probably his mom.

  “It was your parents. They left a message.” He held the phone to his ear.

  “Why do they keep calling you and not me?” I asked but he ignored me as he listened intently.

  He continued to listen as I paced back and forth. I hated that I couldn’t hear my parents’ voices on the other end and I really hated that every time I asked him what they were saying he waved his hand at me to shut up. Mom used to do that to me when I was a kid, and it drove me crazy. But this time it was worse because I knew what they were saying was important, and I just wanted to know what it was. I tried to ask again but I got another wave of the hand.

  Finally, he hung up and dropped the phone on the nightstand.

  “So?” I threw my hands up, waiting for his response.

  “They got a flight. They’re boarding in fifteen minutes. They’ll be landing here by noon.”

  “Do we need to pick them up?” I asked, happy I would finally get to see them, but not thrilled it would take longer to get back to Josh.

  “They’re renting a car when they land. And they have been calling you. They said it keeps going to voicemail.”

  “What do you mean it keeps going to voicemail?” I reached into my purse and searched for my cell phone. It had a tendency to slip to the bottom. When I couldn’t find it there, I dumped the contents out on the floor.

  “Where is it? It has to be here somewhere.” I could feel my patience waning. Zach must have heard it in my voice because he slid to the edge of the bed.

  “When was the last time you had it?”

  “Stay away from me with that thing,” I said, moving farther away from him.

  “Really? Are you five? Like I said, it happens—get over it.”

  “Whatever.” I didn’t mean to be such a bitch, but my cell phone was my link to the outside world. Who else had been trying to call me? Sadie? Prof. Mulligan? Joe? I didn’t call anybody when I found out. Zach was the only person other than my parents who knew where I was.

  Sadie must have been freaking out. I didn’t even leave a note. And Joe must have been wondering where I was and if I was okay. I hadn’t even thought to call him. He had to be worried.

  But even when I did find my phone, I was a bit nervous to talk to him. I’d just shared a bed with another guy. Not like anything happened, but still. I had looked for comfort from another guy—not him, my boyfriend.

  I didn’t have time to think about it right now though. I would worry about it later. I had a bigger problem on hand—where the hell was my cell phone?

  I picked up my planner and threw it behind me, followed by my makeup bag and sunglasses. I was about to toss my keys when Zach grabbed my hand.

  “Calm down for two seconds and think. When was the last time you remember having it?”

  “I don’t know.” I tried to pull my hand out of his grip, but I was no match for his strength.

  “Think,” he said calmly. His tone helped me focus. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and searched my brain.

  “I had it at school and when I got home,” I recalled.

  “Okay, and after that?”

  “I started watching TV and that’s when I saw the news. I panicked, grabbed my phone and dialed Josh’s number. When he didn’t answer I dropped the phone.”

  “Did you pick it back up?” he asked.

  “No.” I closed my eyes, remembering the moment my phone fell. “No, I didn’t. It’s in a bowl of milk on my coffee table.”

  “Good place for it,” Zach said.

  “Tell me about it.”

  “Well, we can’t cry over spilt milk, now can we?” I shook my head at his poor attempt at humor.

  “You’re an ass.” I pushed his shoulder, and our eyes caught. Suddenly it was as if the hotel room didn’t exist and we had been transported two years back in time to my bedroom.

  His hair was different now and he was no longer that lanky, slightly awkward boy, but his eyes still held that same dark intensity. What I wouldn’t give for us
to actually go back in time. Things were simpler then. Less complicated.

  His eyes, filled with familiar desire, willed me towards him. His hand reached for my face, cupping my cheek as I moved closer. As my eyes began to close, I felt Zach’s hand holding me in place instead of guiding me to him.

  “We should really get going,” he said, hanging his head down so when I opened my eyes I was looking at nothing but hair. It took a second for the words to sink in. To understand the ultimate burn he just bestowed upon me.

  “Of course we should.” I jumped away, mortified, and not only because I obviously still wanted him, but because he obviously didn’t still want me.

  He was the one that stopped calling. He was the one who hadn’t wanted to be with me. What made me think time would change anything? I was still the girl getting burned by the guy who never loved me as much I loved him.

  “Lizzie,” Zach called out as I grabbed my clothes and walked away. “Where are you going?”

  “Shower,” I said as I barreled into the bathroom and slammed the door.

  I fought the tears. I hated that after everything that had happened, this guy still had the power to make me cry. You would think I would be able to accept it. Come to terms with it. But Zach had a direct connection to my heart and because of that, he was not only able to heal it, but destroy it. Time and time again.

  The hot water steamed up the bathroom, coating the mirror. I shed my pajamas and stepped in, hoping to wash away the misery, the last twenty-four hours, and possibly even the year Zach and I had been together.

  As the soap suds slid down my body to the drain, it was obvious that no matter how hard I scrubbed, I couldn’t wash away the memories. They were a part of me.

  The porcelain was cold against my back as I leaned against the wall when my legs became too weak to hold me. And just when I thought I couldn’t possibly shed another tear, I started sobbing again.

  I heard the knock on the door, but I was too consumed with the whirlwind of conflicting emotions.

  “Lizzie, are you okay in there?” I ignored Zach’s words. I couldn’t face him. Not yet at least. I needed time to pull myself together—to show him that his rejection didn’t shatter me completely.

  I couldn’t let him see how much his actions had affected me. How desperately I wanted to feel his lips on mine.

  Thirty minutes later I finally emerged from the bathroom. My hair was up in a ponytail, I had on minimal makeup, and I was ready get out of that hotel room.

  “It’s all yours,” I said, walking past Zach, ignoring the fact he was trying to stop me.

  “Can we talk?” he called after me, but I was already out the door.

  I didn’t know where I was going. It’s not like I knew the area. At night it had been sketchy-looking, but in the daylight it was just like any other hotel on a main strip of highway. I walked around to the main lobby and found a vending machine. The least I could do was bring back something to eat. If anything, it would show I wasn’t mad, and I was being mature about the whole thing.

  I reached in my pocket and pulled out four singles as I scanned the contents behind the glass. After mulling over my options, I settled on two coffee cakes, a granola bar and a bottle of water we’d have to share.

  Back in the room Zach was in the shower. I flipped on the TV and sat against the headboard. When he finally opened the door, I didn’t look at him, though from the corner of my eye I could see he wasn’t wearing a shirt. It made me think of the previous night, when I laid pressed against his chest.

  “I got you a coffee cake and granola bar.” I threw the granola bar at him, still not letting my eyes settle on his.

  “Thanks.”

  “Don’t mention it.”

  “Liz, I think we need—”

  “Visiting hours are in a few minutes. We really should get going. I’ll go turn in the key and pay. I’ll meet you at the Jeep.” I walked out before he could say another word. The last thing I wanted to hear was a long explanation of why he didn’t want to be with me. I didn’t want his pity.

  To my surprise, Zach had already paid for the room at check in. I turned in the key and stood against the Jeep, wondering if Josh would be drugged up again today, and if Mom would fall apart when she saw him.

  At least my parents’ arrival would be a nice distraction. It would overshadow anything I felt for Zach, and maybe even help him forget about my momentary lapse in judgment. It was a mistake, and I just needed him to realize that.

  So I avoided conversation. When he finally got in the Jeep I declared every song on the radio my favorite and continued to increase the volume with each one. When we got to the hospital, I walked ten steps ahead.

  The elevator was the hardest. He kept trying to talk, and with no radio to turn up and no way of putting distance between us, I had to be creative. I started babbling.

  “Did you know those mirrors are cameras?” I pointed to the mirror above us. “I wonder what they catch people doing in here. I can only imagine. I’m sure they pick their noses, their wedgies and God only knows what else.”

  “People making out,” Zach said and I felt the conversation shifting back to the scene in the hotel.

  I needed to think fast. Babbling was no longer cutting it. We still had two floors to go. A lot could happen in two floors.

  I bent down to tie my shoe so he wouldn’t look me in the eye or move closer. When I stood up, I should have known he would be right there, invading my personal space. He rested his hand under my chin, but I refused to look him in the eye. The last time I did, it was a total disaster.

  “Lizzie.”

  The elevator stopped, the doors opened, and for once life wasn’t working against me. A group of people stood waiting to get on. I jumped away from Zach and basically ran out of the elevator.

  The people created a barrier and gave me enough time to put a few feet of distance between us. Once we got to Josh’s room, Zach couldn’t talk to me. He wouldn’t dare say anything in front of Josh. I hoped.

  Josh’s curtain came into view and I picked up the pace. Zach’s hand closed around mine, but before he could pull me towards him I stepped around the curtain.

  “Josh,” I said loud enough so Zach would hear me and know it was too late. My hand dropped to my side as Zach let it go.

  “Hey guys,” Josh said, and I was grateful he was coherent. “What are you still doing here?”

  “What do you mean what are we still doing here?” I asked annoyed he would even ask such a stupid question.

  “I thought you would have gone home by now,” Josh said.

  “Like you would if the situation was reversed?” Zach said the same words I was thinking.

  Josh nodded. “Good point.”

  “So, how they treating you here? Still harassing the nurses?” Zach asked.

  “You know it.”

  “Mom and Dad will be here this afternoon. They got a flight out,” I said, bypassing the playful banter and getting right down to the important stuff.

  “I know. They called me.”

  “How’d they call you?” I asked.

  “They called the hospital and asked to talk to me. I have a phone right there.” He pointed behind him to the phone sitting on a table. “Mom was crying, of course.”

  “Of course,” I said with a smile. Mom had always been emotional. Maybe that’s where I got it from.

  I sat on the edge of Josh’s bed, across the room from the chair Zach was sitting in. I avoided eye contact.

  “I’m going to get a drink. You guys want anything?” Zach asked.

  “Nope, I’m good,” I turned my head quickly away from him after I answered.

  “They’ll be bringing me some shitty lunch soon,” Josh said. “Don’t want to ruin my appetite.”

  “I’ll be right back then.” I watched Zach disappear behind the curt
ain, then turned back to Josh.

  “So how are you feeling?”

  “Why don’t you stop trying to hide behind inane conversation and tell me what the hell is going on between you two,” Josh said.

  He’d taken me by surprise. How did he know there was anything going on between Zach and me? “I’m not,” I said.

  “Bullshit. Number one, your lip just twitched.”

  Stupid lip.

  “And number two, the tension between you two right now is so freaking heavy, I feel like I’m suffocating. So out with it, or I’m going to ask Zach in front of you.” My brother drove a hard bargain, but he knew how to get me to talk.

  “You want the truth?” I asked.

  “That’s a good start.”

  “I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. The past twenty-four hours have been hell, but he’s been there every second, and I want to hate him for the past, but he makes it so damn hard and . . .” My voice cracked and my words faltered as the pain of rejection settled back in.

  “It’s okay,” Josh said.

  “Is it? Because I’m not sure it is. And should I even be thinking about anything that has to do with me and him when you’re here in a hospital bed?” Tears leaked out and I let them. I wanted to stay brave for Josh but I realized I didn’t have to. Even if he was the one who had been shot, he was still my stronger, older brother and I was still his weaker, younger sister.

  “It’s okay. You know, I believe that everything happens for a reason.”

  “So you think there’s a reason for you getting shot?” I asked, thinking it was absurd.

  “I do, and maybe it has to do with me or maybe it has to do with you and Zach. Who knows? Only time will tell,” he said, and if he didn’t have so many wires hooked to him and if he wasn’t still slightly drugged, I could tell he would have shrugged.

  “I really hope you didn’t get shot for me and Zach.”

  “That would kind of suck, but I’d be happy to take one for the team if it means you two working out whatever has been between you since he moved away.”

  Zach returned just as Josh finished speaking, and I felt the tension between us lessening. I stopped trying to avoid eye contact and conversation—it was pointless.