(Never) Again

by Theresa Paolo

  “You’d be crazy not to jump on that,” he said, and if I was not mistaken there was something more than sympathy in his gaze. Regret, maybe.

  “And what do you know about love?”

  “There are some things you don’t know about me, little sis.”

  I turned a curious eye on Josh.

  “Who is it?” By the sadness that crept into his eyes, I knew the question should’ve been, who was it? “Kim from high school?”

  “No, definitely not Kim.”

  “Then who?” I was confused—Josh was the ultimate player. Even back in high school he never had a steady girlfriend, unless he wanted to call the craziness with Kim a relationship. He changed girls more than Sadie rearranged her closet.

  He pushed his thumb into the spot between his eyes, as if rubbing would get rid of whatever was going on in his head. “I’m not going to tell you.”

  “Fine, then you’re not allowed to have any of my cookies ever again.”

  “You’re back to baking?”

  I smiled at the thought of cracking eggs and turning a bunch of ingredients into something delicious. “Yeah, I think I am.”

  He didn’t even hesitate. “Fine.”

  “Wow, it must be pretty scandalous if you’re willing to give up my cookies.”

  “Not scandalous. I just really don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Maybe one day?” I asked, made even more curious about this undiscovered part of my brother.

  “Maybe.”

  All those times he’d tried to help me after Zach and I broke up and I told him he didn’t understand. But he did.

  “So what are you going to do?”

  I looked at my brother, his leg propped on a pillow. I could have lost him. If things were different, our conversation might never have happened. The thought had my already heightened emotions spinning out of control.

  I was lucky. My brother was still with me. While so many people were burying their loved ones, I was getting advice from mine.

  And while I had a lot to think about, a lot to deal with when I walked out that door, I wasn’t going anywhere.

  I kicked my feet up onto the coffee table and smiled. “I’m going to watch TV with my brother.”

  ***

  Whoever said you can’t go home again obviously had nothing to go home to. Going home filled me with strength and instilled serenity within me. It gave me what I needed to finally stop hiding.

  I still had no idea what I was going to say to Zach, but it didn’t matter. I needed to see him. I needed to hear his voice and maybe then the words would come. Maybe then, everything I had felt for the past few months would turn into words and I would finally be able to stop hiding behind the past.

  The past wasn’t what was preventing Zach and me from being together. I was the one preventing it. I was scared to see what had been between us from the minute I spotted him on the football field.

  Zach and I always made sense. He knew it. Josh knew it. Sadie knew it. Everyone did. I was the only one trying to pretend we didn’t.

  I feared him because he was capable of breaking my heart, but wasn’t that what love was? If a person can’t shatter your heart into a million pieces, then you don’t really love them. Do you?

  I thought I loved Joe. I convinced myself I loved Joe, but if I had really loved him, finding out he slept with Charlie would have broken me. It didn’t. It angered me, but more for my own stupidity than anything else.

  I never opened myself up to love Joe. He might have used me, but I used him too. I used him to get over Zach. And then when I thought I was over Zach, I still used him. I used him to hide from reality and to avoid facing my biggest fear.

  Love. True, heartbreaking love.

  I was done hiding. I was ready to take a risk again. I was ready to make the dreams of my past be the reality of my future.

  Just not right that minute. After all my crying, I needed to go back to my apartment, shower, and start over with a fresh slate.

  Sadie’s car wasn’t in her spot, which meant she was still out with Matt. I pulled into my space and headed inside.

  I wondered where Zach was, if he would even talk to me after I had run out on him. If he’d understand. What if he was sick of the drama? I had my one chance and I might have totally blown it.

  At the thought of never being with Zach again, my throat tightened and tears pricked my eyes. Again. But I was becoming a pro, and I pushed them back.

  I would go to him and if it didn’t work out, it didn’t work out. There would be nothing I could do.

  I pushed my key into the lock and stepped inside. My heart nearly leapt out of my chest.

  “You’re still here?” I shut the door, let my bag fall to the floor and stepped closer to Zach. Tufts of his dark hair stuck up wildly, reminding me of our earlier encounter.

  He shrugged and I hated the defeat in his eyes. “I figured you’d have to come back eventually.”

  “I’m sorry,” I blurted out.

  “About what?”

  “Everything.” I wrapped my arms around myself and started walking away. I got to the middle of the room when I felt his hand rest on my shoulder. For so long I had made myself believe that I hated how my body reacted to him, when in reality, I absolutely loved it.

  “No. I’m sorry.” He stepped closer, his chest pressing against my back.

  I turned around until I looked into his eyes. “Why you?”

  Hurt filled his eyes. “I was the one who stopped calling.”

  “It’s in the past,” I said.

  “Maybe for you, but not for me. It keeps me up at night. Makes me question my life and how different it would be if I had handled things better.”

  He shrugged, and as stupid as it may be, I was happy to know I wasn’t the only one still dwelling on the past. But at the same time I wanted to erase the pain, find a way to make the last year disappear.

  “I loved you so much, and I was scared.” He ran his hands through his hair took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, as if he was giving himself time to choose the right words. “We were on different sides of the country. And Josh told me you weren’t handling it well. Our phone calls were great and I looked forward to them. You know I did. But let’s face it—it wasn’t enough.

  “I wanted to hold you, touch you, see you, and I know you wanted the same. It broke my heart to know you were hurting. I’ve never felt so helpless. And even though you tried to hide the sadness in your voice, you couldn’t. Not from me. As the weeks went on it only seemed to get worse. I pretended everything was okay because the thought of losing you . . .”

  He shook his head and when his eyes met mine again, I felt it. All the pain I endured. The ache that ripped me apart. The longing to go back in time. I thought I was alone, that nobody could understand what I was going through. But even when he wasn’t there, he was, because he felt it too.

  “Josh told me you were spending less and less time with your friends, that you’d stopped enjoying the things you loved. That’s what hurt the most. Knowing you were miserable and missing out on your life because you were waiting by the phone. I just wanted you to be happy again. To be the Lizzie I loved. I didn’t want to be responsible for taking that away from you. For changing you.

  “It wasn’t fair. For you. For me. For the both of us. But especially you. You deserved the world and I couldn’t give it to you anymore. So I stopped calling. I knew it would hurt you, but in time you would move on. I never expected it to do the one thing I was trying to save you from.”

  I looked at him, waiting.

  “It changed you.

  “That first day I saw you in the hallway—I don’t know what I expected, but I didn’t expect what I got. You were cold and bitter. It was like I never knew you at all.

  “My heart always knew, but until that moment I cou
ld never convince myself—letting you go was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.” He moved closer, but he’d had his chance to make peace and it was my turn.

  “I loved you too. You know? And when you stopped calling you broke my heart. I thought it was me. I thought I wasn’t good enough for you. I thought you had found someone else.”

  “Never. No one could ever compare to you. Not even now,” he said.

  “Do you mean that?”

  He went to say something, then stopped. He ran his hand through his hair as if he was debating to jump all in or play it safe. If he did, I wouldn’t blame him. I hid from us for so long because I knew the pain our relationship could cause. As mind-blowing as it was, it was just as terrifying.

  Dark brown eyes looked back down at me. “With all my heart. I never stopped loving you, Lizzie.”

  A smile tugged at the corner of my lips and my body moved towards him, but he stepped away.

  Concern filled his dark gaze. “What if I hurt you again?”

  “You won’t,” I said.

  “How do you know for sure? I hurt you once.”

  I dropped my eyes to the ground, his words slicing into my gut. “You did.” I fought the urge to succumb to the bitter truth and walk away with my heart intact. But I glanced up and when his eyes met mine, it was clear. “But you’ll hurt me more by staying away.”

  For months I thought I couldn’t stand Zach, but the truth was, I couldn’t stand not being with him. Seeing him every day only reminded me of how happy I was when we were together and how miserable I became when we weren’t.

  He was the only one who could hurt me, but he was also the only one who could make me happy.

  It was a risk, and my heart was on the line. But since the day I spotted the lanky, curly-haired boy on the football field, my heart didn’t only belong to me anymore.

  I stepped closer, needing to feel the warmth that spread through my body whenever he touched me. Needing to make up for all the time we lost.

  I looked directly into his dark, familiar eyes and said, “Will you kiss me already?”

  He moved closer, reaching his hand out to my cheek. His thumb brushed across my skin, shooting chills down my spine. I glided my hands across his strong, broad shoulders, memorizing the familiar yet different feel.

  His mouth came down on mine, our connection evident when I parted my lips and our tongues tangled.

  I knew Zach and I would have good days and bad days, but right then . . . we were having a good day.

  A really, really good day.

  And I wanted to remember it forever. I had waited eighteen and a half years for this very moment. So many times it could have happened with Joe, but something had held me back. I knew now that it was because Joe wasn’t the one. He never was. He was a bookmark, holding a place until I was ready to pick up where I left off.

  Zach was the one. The only one for me.

  I ran my fingers through the silky softness of his hair, pulling him with me as I stepped towards my bedroom. Needing to be as close to him as possible.

  My feet swept out from under me, and I was in his arms, pressed against his warm, hard chest, his lips never leaving mine.

  He kicked the bedroom door shut behind him. The cool softness of my sheets replaced his arms as he laid me on the bed. Hands travelled down my sides, pulling my shirt up until it was back on the floor.

  My hands gripped the bottom of his shirt, and I pulled it up over his head then dropped it to join mine. I ran my hands from his abs to his pecs, taking in how much larger, stronger, harder they were than in the days when we had locked ourselves in my bedroom in high school.

  His lips kissed a familiar line down my neck, chest and stomach, then moved back up to kiss in between my breasts. Strong hands lifted me and I snuggled into the crook of his neck as he unfastened my bra. He slid it off one lacy strap at a time, raining kisses along the material.

  The first cup fell down and he dipped his head taking my nipple in his mouth. It was something he had done before but everything about it was different now. More intimate.

  A moan slipped from my mouth and I arched, pressing against him, needing our bodies to mold together even more closely.

  His tongue circled, making a slow dance across my chest and down my stomach. Heat radiated from where his hands rested on my sides, lifting me into him. I plunged my fingers into his hair, tugging him back to me.

  Long fingers traced the contour of my face before dragging a slow, mind-numbing line down my neck, the effects streaming all the way down to my toes.

  But it wasn’t enough. I thrust my hips forward, running my fingers along the muscled ridges of his back, exploring the new Zach and rediscovering the old.

  He kissed my nose, moving his lips down the length of my neck.

  My body throbbed and he continued the slow journey down my stomach, stopping just above the button of my jeans. For a moment he stayed there, as if he was afraid I would bolt if he tried to go any further.

  “Zach, please,” I whimpered, desperate for his touch. I was finally ready to hand over my v-card to the one person who truly deserved it.

  A sense of calm washed over me—I wasn’t running this time. I was staying exactly where I was. I wanted him. Needed him. Needed all of him. For so long I had waited for the perfect moment. But now I realized, it wasn’t about the moment. It was about the person.

  I reached down, placing my hand under his chin and urging him to look at me.

  “Are you sure?” he asked, his voice gruff with desire.

  “I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life.”

  He dropped another kiss to my stomach and then unfastened the button.

  I waited for the fear to consume me. But as he slid off my jeans, there was no trepidation. I wanted this. Wanted him.

  I helped him with his pants then pointed to the drawer of my nightstand. Zach leaned over and opened it, then looked at me curiously.

  I couldn’t help laughing. God only knew what was going through his mind at the sight of a rather large collection of condoms. “Sadie always tells me it’s best to be prepared. She gets them for free at school.”

  “They must hand them out like lollipops,” he said with a sexy smirk as he positioned himself over me.

  He kissed my forehead and then looked deep into my eyes. “Liz, I love you—so much.”

  My heart constricted at his words. I hadn’t realized how much I missed hearing them. I skimmed my fingers down the side of his face, following the contour of his jaw. “I love you. Even when I hated you, I loved you.”

  “I’m so sorry I put you through what I did. I want to make it up to you. Tell me how I can make it up to you.”

  “You already have.” From the minute he popped back into my life, he had been making it up to me. Especially by being there for me through the roughest time of my life. All those nights of crying over him meant nothing when I thought about how he held me in the hospital and made me feel everything would be okay, when everything was so uncertain.

  Happy tears slipped out, and Zach wiped them away with his thumb, pulling my face to his. “God, I love you,” he said just as he captured my lips.

  He drew his mouth away, resting his forehead against mine and I nodded, assuring him I was ready. I barely heard the sound of the wrapper over my beating heart.

  He kissed my forehead again, then my nose, as he moved his hips forward slowly. I didn’t focus on the burn and stretch. I focused on Zach’s eyes, the way they widened when he slid into me. I squeezed his shoulders tight even though his entrance was slow and gentle.

  He ran a hand over my cheek, then tucked my hair behind my ear. I had loved him for so long, but in that moment I had never felt a love so consuming of my mind, body and soul.

  Everything about it was perfect.

  His breath tickled my ear a
s he leaned in close and whispered, “This time I promise. I will never let go.”

  Absolute perfection.

  ***

  Zach’s chest rose and fell with each sleeping breath. I stretched out beside him, taking my head from his chest and resting it on my hand.

  It had taken us so long to get to this spot, and I wanted to savor it, remember every single moment leading into it, during and after. I didn’t want to sleep because I didn’t want the night to end.

  He stirred beside me and squinted one eye open. “Hey,” he said, lip quirking up in that sexy way.

  “Hey.”

  “Why are you all the way over there?”

  “Just thinking about stuff.”

  He rolled on his side, mirroring me. “What kind of stuff?”

  “Just stuff.”

  “Is that so?” he said, reaching out and flipping me underneath him. His fingers worked at my side, tickling until I was squirming under him, laughing.

  “You. I was thinking about you!” I yelled out.

  “All good stuff I hope.”

  I nodded, his hands stopped, and because I no longer had to resist the urge, I lifted up and kissed him.

  “Mmm,” he said. “Confirmation.”

  I laughed against his lips and then bit my own. I let out a deep breath. “Do you think if you hadn’t stopped calling, we’d still be together?”

  Zach sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’d like to think we would’ve been, but at the same time, I wouldn’t change anything. I think it all happened the way it was supposed to.”

  “You do?”

  “I do. So no regrets. The past is just that. The past. You and me—we’re the future. Let’s not look back.”

  He was right, to an extent. For so long I had dreamed of being in his arms like things never changed. Now I knew how silly that was. Things changed. And no matter what we did, we couldn’t go back. But why would I want to? Everything that happened had brought me to this moment, and like Zach said, I wouldn’t change a single thing.