by Naomi Niles
“I put together a small breakfast for you. It’s on the table in the kitchen, along with two aspirins. It might help ease any discomfort you might have. Please make yourself comfortable, and feel free to raid the fridge and take anything you like. Let me know how you’re doing and if you’d like to talk later. JJ.”
I took a deep breath as I read through the note again. I had obviously been distraught last night. I could tell just by looking at JJ’s wording that he was concerned about me.
As touched as I was by his concern, I was also completely embarrassed. I didn’t know what had made me call him, much less take a cab and invite myself over to his place.
I was relieved to know that we hadn’t had sex, however, and again was gratified to know that JJ wasn’t the type of man to take advantage of a woman in a vulnerable position. I folded the note in half and tucked it into my pocket. Then I brushed my teeth with my finger, had a quick wash and headed to the kitchen.
JJ had laid the table with a plate of croissants, bacon, sausages, and orange juice. There was also a glass of water, next to which he had laid two aspirins. I couldn’t help but smile as I swallowed the pills and sat down at the table. I wasn’t really in the mood to eat, but I knew I wouldn’t have time to grab anything at the restaurant. So I buttered a croissant, ate it quickly, put away everything else, and headed out.
When I got to the restaurant, Haley was already there. She looked up with a start as I walked in. “Where the hell have you been?” she asked.
“Sorry,” I mumbled. “I got drunk…and…went out last night.”
“I figured out that part,” she nodded. “Where did you go?”
“I don’t want to talk about it right now,” I said evasively as I moved into the kitchen and grabbed my apron.
Haley followed me there. “I woke up and you were gone.”
“You fell asleep almost immediately after I got you home,” I said. “I couldn’t sleep and I wanted to get out of the house. So I went to a bar and had a few drinks.”
“You had a one-night stand,” she said in amazement.
“I didn’t,” I insisted. “Trust me. It wasn’t like that. I think I just needed someone to talk to. I ended up…at JJ’s house.”
“Oh,” Haley said, as her eyes widened.
“I don’t remember much, though,” I said. “But we definitely didn’t have sex.”
“Okay.”
Haley turned away and continued setting up the restaurant. It was unlike her to turn away from a conversation like that. She usually had a million more questions she wanted answered.
I watched her carefully and noticed how much slower she was today. She looked paler than normal and extremely tired. I saw that her eyes were a little puffy too, as though she had been crying.
“Are you okay?” I asked. “After last night I mean.”
“Sure,” Haley nodded, without turning around. “I’ve seen worse.”
“True,” I nodded. “But this time you were convinced he had changed.”
“Is this about saying ‘I told you so?’” Her tone had a slight edge to it.
“Hey,” I said, trying to calm the mood. “Of course not. I’m not trying to say anything of the sort. I just want to make sure you’re All right.”
Haley sighed deeply. “I am okay.”
“Oh,” I said. “Because…I’m not.”
Haley looked up and her expression softened. “Is that why you went to JJ’s?”
“I don’t honestly know why I went to JJ’s,” I sighed. “Maybe I was looking for a distraction. Maybe I really did want to have sex. All I know is he really looked after me. It made me feel…not good exactly, but better.”
“Did you tell him what happened?”
“Last night is sort of a blur,” I admitted. “I always was a lightweight. I didn’t think I’d drunk that much, but obviously, I miscalculated. I’m having a splitting headache, too. Thank God for aspirin.”
“Yeah,” Haley nodded.
She was unusually quiet today, and it was starting to bug me. I knew something was wrong. Something had been off about her for a while now, but I knew that if I pressed, she would just retreat further into her shell and I wouldn’t be able to reach her.
“I don’t know how to face JJ after this, though,” I said. “I’m so embarrassed.”
“I’m sure he’ll understand.”
“We barely have a relationship,” I sighed. “We’ve been on exactly one date, and I think he already knows a little too much about me. He must think I’m a complete mess.”
“Or he might not,” she said with a shrug.
I could tell her heart was not in the conversation. She was going along with it for my benefit, but her mind was elsewhere. I could tell in the sluggish way she moved and the distracted way she nodded her head every time I spoke.
“Maybe we should close the restaurant for the night?” I suggested.
“What?” Haley said, looking up. “Why?”
“I just thought we could use a break,” I said.
“We don’t need it,” she said, with finality.
I suppressed a sigh. “Okay then.”
I closed the door to the kitchen and started preparations for lunch. It was nice to lose myself in cooking after everything that had happened in the past day. I threw myself into it to such an extent that I actually had a little free time once the chicken was roasting in the oven. I got out my phone and scrolled down to my conversation with JJ.
“Hi, JJ,” I wrote. “Thank you for taking such good care of me. I think I just need a few days to myself. It was a rough night. I hope I didn’t embarrass myself too much. Thanks again, for being so sweet.”
I sent the message and put away my phone. Maybe a few days to myself would help me get my head on straight. And, maybe it would give JJ the opportunity to bail, if last night’s drama had been a little more than he wanted to handle. I wouldn’t blame him really. He was a good guy who deserved more than an anxiety-riddled cook with major insecurity issues.
I threw myself into the lunch rush and didn’t look up until four hours had passed and the restaurant had cleared out. My legs were aching, my back was tired, and my head was still pounding. I just wanted to get home and get in bed, but we still had dinner to get through. I removed my apron and walked into the restaurant to find Haley talking to two customers. I tried to backtrack quickly, but they had already seen me.
“You’re the cook,” one of the men talking to Haley said.
“I…yes,” I nodded. “I am.”
He came forward boldly while his friend continued chatting with Haley. “I loved the food. Everything was great.”
“Thank you,” I smiled. “I hope you’ll come again.”
“I sure will,” he nodded. Then he stretched his hand out towards me. “I’m Hanson.”
“Kami,” I introduced.
“Interesting name.”
“Back at you.”
“I kind of thought your name would be Natalie,” he said. “Considering it’s the name of your restaurant.”
“The restaurant’s not named after either one of us,” I explained. “It was my mother’s name.”
“Ah,” I smiled. He had a nice face, but there was something about it that was a deterrent. It was a little too slick, too calculated, and so confident that it bordered on cocky. That, and he looked at me as though I were a piece of meat. “So do chefs like to try out other people’s food?”
I blinked at him. “Of course.”
“Then how about we try this place downtown?” he asked. “I hear they have great German food.”
“Umm… I’m busy.”
“I haven’t said when.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said quickly. “I’m always busy.”
“Surely you can squeeze in a few hours one day?” he persisted.
“I’m sorry,” I said firmly. “But this is not going to happen.”
Then I turned around and retreated back into the safety of the kitchen.
>
Chapter Nineteen
JJ
I sipped my coffee and glanced at Kami’s text for maybe the tenth time since she had sent it. She had made it clear that she wanted some time to herself, but I wasn’t sure if that was because of me or if she was simply embarrassed, like she had mentioned in her text.
I wanted to reassure her, but something kept me from replying. I didn’t want to come on too strong, and I didn’t want to make promises to her and then bail at the last minute. I was leaving for Colorado tomorrow for Thanksgiving and would be gone for days. Today was the last day I had to make contact with my mother.
I could have put it off, but shame prevented me from taking the coward’s way out. I knew that Peter would want to know how my search had gone, and I didn’t want to disappoint him by bringing him nothing back. He had done all the research that had made it so easy for me to find her in the first place.
It was just harder than I had thought to make that first step, walk up to her door, and say hello.
What did you even say when you saw your mother again for the first time in over a decade? Was hello even a legitimate option? My head spun, and I tried not to psyche myself out. In the end, I did the one thing that usually succeeded in calming me down. I called Peter.
“Hi, man,” Peter greeted. “It’s been a while.”
“Has it?”
Peter laughed. “I guess not, but considering I used to see and speak to you every day, it seems like a while to me.”
“Glad to know I’m missed,” I smiled.
“You definitely are,” he reassured me. “Does that surprise you?”
“A little,” I admitted. “Especially considering that you’re shacked up with the new lady. I would have thought you’d be grateful for some privacy.”
“Hey, don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to share a place, just the two of us,” Peter said. “But that doesn’t mean we don’t miss you, especially Sunday nights when Sam and Victor come over.”
“Well, I’ll be home tomorrow.”
“And, we can’t wait to see you,” Peter replied.
“Will Talen be joining us?”
Peter hesitated. “This is Talen we’re talking about. He doesn’t really make announcements. He just shows up.”
“Right,” I nodded. “Alan and Jessica?”
“They’re definitely coming,” Peter said, and I could hear the excitement in his voice. “So it’s going to be a party.”
“Excellent,” I said, glad that the whole family would be together.
“Where are you now?”
“At the beach.”
“The beach?”
I smiled. “I think I’ve fallen in love with California’s beaches. Every time I have a day off, I come down here, get a coffee and a newspaper, and sit on the boardwalk and watch the world go by.”
He laughed. “You are such an old soul.”
“That’s what I’ve been told,” I said. “You would like it here, too.”
“Would I?” Peter asked skeptically.
“Well, you would like it temporarily perhaps,” I said.
“I thought so,” Peter said. “So…any new leads?”
I suppressed a sigh. “Umm… I think I’m getting close,” I said.
I didn’t want to lie to Peter, but I also didn’t want him to know what a complete coward I was. It was probably all in my head, and even though I knew Peter would never judge me, I was still afraid that he might.
He had been the one who had wanted to go after Mom in the first place. He had done most of the research and he had been the one to find out that our mother now lived in California. There were three Alice Burbanks who lived in the state and all I had to do was find the right one.
I had convinced him that he should entrust that task to me. I’d given him a big spiel about how as the eldest, I needed to step up and take control. I was afraid to admit that I hadn’t done a very good job with that responsibility.
“That’s great,” Peter said immediately, without questioning me at all. “Did you manage to find out where she lives? I think the research I gave you has details of an Alice who worked in a bank around that area. If you went there and asked around, I’m sure you’d be able to track her down.”
“Uh…sure,” I agreed. “It’s not quite as clear-cut as that, though.”
“I’m sure it’s not,” he replied. “And I was thinking actually, maybe it would be worthwhile to hire a private investigator?”
“Oh, no,” I said quickly. “That’s unnecessary.”
“It would move the process along,” he said. “You could come back to Colorado that much sooner.”
“Oh, I don’t mind staying a little longer,” I said. “The work here is interesting, I love California more than I would have thought, and—”
“You met someone,” Peter finished for me, and I could hear the smile in his voice.
“Sam said something to you, didn’t he?”
“He did,” Peter agreed. “But even if he hadn’t, I would have guessed as much. I’m glad, by the way. What’s her name?”
“Kami,” I replied. “But I don’t know if this is going to be a long-term thing. It might just end up being a fling.”
“What makes you say that?”
“She’s…got baggage.”
“Haven’t we all?”
“Of course,” I said. “That’s not what I meant. I mean that she might not be interested in anything too serious with me because she’s already got a lot on her mind.”
“How do you feel about her?”
“She’s great,” I said immediately. “She’s beautiful, even though she has no clue how beautiful. She’s talented and intelligent and really sweet. I think you two would get along great, too… She’s an excellent cook. She’s even better than you are.”
“How dare you?” Peter said, with mock outrage.
I smiled. “She can probably do much better than me.”
“Come, on dude,” he said. “You can’t be serious.”
“No, I am,” I sighed. “I’m a grown man who’s never taken the lead even once in his life. Why would any woman be interested in that?”
“Okay, so you weren’t a born leader,” Peter said. “Not all of us can be. You have your strengths, JJ, and that’s what matters. Plus, need I remind you that you’re in California now looking for our mother? You took control of that situation didn’t you?”
“I haven’t even spoken to her yet,” I said. “I haven’t accomplished anything till then.”
“You’re looking, aren’t you?”
“I…yes.”
“Then that’s what counts,” he said confidently. “I know you’re used to doubting yourself, but don’t because I have complete confidence in you. You can do this, John. If I didn’t believe you could, then I would never have agreed to let you take my place.”
“Dumb move, bro,” I smiled.
“That remains to be seen,” he laughed. “I happen to think it was a wise move on my part.”
“How so?”
“Because you’re the nicest brother,” Peter said. “You just have a calming presence. People like you right away and people trust you right away. You’re the one who should approach Mom; you’re the least likely to scare her off.”
I smiled. “You always know just what to say.”
He laughed. “It’s a gift.”
“Ok, well… I’m going to get back to things…”
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Peter said with enthusiasm.
“For sure,” I agreed before hanging up.
I stared out at the beach and finished my coffee, repeating Peter’s encouraging words in my head until I felt confidence bubble inside me. I left the boardwalk, got into my car, and drove to her house. I parked in the same spot and glanced over at her house.
The car wasn’t in the drive, and I knew she wasn’t at home. I decided to wait until she returned, afraid that my newfound resolve would abandon me if I gave up and went home now.
I hung around for an hour and still, there was no sign of her. In the end, I got out of the car and walked towards the house. The fact that I knew no one was home emboldened me. I stepped up to the front door and rang the doorbell. The sound was louder than I expected and I stepped back for a moment. Once silence had settled again and I reminded myself that no one was coming to answer, I relaxed and turned to her garden.
It seemed she had developed the ability to garden. That or she had just hired someone to come weekly and prune her flowers. I wondered what other little hobbies she had developed over the years. I wondered if she was still the same woman we had known as boys, or if she had morphed into someone altogether different. I wondered if I would care if she had.
My feelings for her were complicated. On the one hand, she was my mother and always would be. On the other hand, she was the woman who had given birth to us and raised us, and then left without an explanation. I couldn’t reconcile those two women in my head. It didn’t make sense to me.
I realized that what I wanted most out of this meeting was answers. Perhaps that’s all any of my brothers wanted.
After the second hour had passed, my stomach began to complain. It was only then that I realized that it was well past four and I still hadn’t had lunch. I had passed a small roadside diner on my way here, and I decided to nip back there and get a bite to eat before coming back. I figured that she would be home by then, too.
The diner was an old-fashioned type with awnings in the front and a large nostalgic sign at the entrance. They had blackboards where all the specials were written and waitresses whizzing around on roller blades. I was just about to step up to the counter to order the blueberry pie when I noticed a twenty-dollar bill slip out of one of the diner’s purses.
Instinctively, I bent down and picked it up. Then I tapped on her shoulder. “Excuse me, ma’am,” I said. “You dropped this.”
The woman turned to me and I froze in place at the sight of her. It was Alice – my mother – standing right in front of me. I could reach out and touch her, she was that close.
Her eyes were just like I remembered them. They were large, warm, hazel, and extremely beautiful. I could see the lines on her face, betraying her age, but the smile was the same. Except that the old sadness that had clung to her features was no longer present. And perhaps because of that, she looked younger than her age.
