by Naomi Niles
“Thank you, son,” she said, and I flinched back at the sound of her voice and her words. “Most people would have pocketed the money.”
I felt a rush of emotion; key among them was anger and disappointment. But I couldn’t work through such strong emotions so fast. I could only stare at her as she accepted the twenty from me and slipped it back into her purse. Then she gave me a parting smile and walked out of the diner.
I turned and watched her walk to her car. She hadn’t recognized me. She had seen a random stranger who had done her a kindness. That was all. That hurt a part of me: shouldn’t she have known her own son?
I gulped and blinked as a waitress on roller skates materialized in front of me. “You okay, sugar?” she asked, flashing me a bright smile.
“I… Yes,” I nodded.
“You wanna order something?” she asked.
“I… No,” I said, realizing that I had just lost my appetite. “No I don’t need anything, thanks.”
“Sure?”
“I’m sure,” I nodded.
“She’s a little too old for you, in my opinion, sugar,” the waitress said, giving me a wink. “I think I’d be more your speed.”
I gave her a distracted smile. “I’m married,” I said gently, before walking out of the diner.
I got into my car and started driving, but I wasn’t driving back. I was driving away. I was heading towards Kami’s restaurant because for some reason, her face was the one I most wanted to see at that moment. I had no explanation for it, no reason. All I knew was that I needed to be with her – I needed to see her.
I wondered how this woman, who I had known for only a week, had suddenly become so important to me. I was running to her as though she were my salvation. I was heading to her as though she were my sanctuary. And it scared me.
Chapter Twenty
Kami
I was just going over ingredients for the next shift when I heard the restaurant door open and Haley’s muffled voice raised in welcome. A second later, she poked her head through the kitchen door.
“You have a visitor,” she said.
“Who is it?” I asked, scrunching my eyebrows together.
But Haley didn’t answer me. She just smiled and headed out again. Sighing, I moved to the door and peeked out to see JJ sitting at a table in the middle of the restaurant. He was looking at Haley at that moment and didn’t see me. I ducked back into the kitchen quickly and took a deep breath.
Why had he come? I was excited, but I was also nervous. His appearance had flustered me.
I had been sure that he’d keep his distance after the way I had left things. Not to mention the text I had sent him. And yet, there he was, sitting in the middle of my restaurant. Again, the embarrassment of my past actions resurfaced, but obviously they hadn’t mattered all that much to him.
“Don’t be a wimp, Kami,” I told myself sternly. “Just go out there and say hello.”
I was trying to pluck up the courage to do just that when Haley stepped into the kitchen. “What are you doing in here?” she asked. “He’s waiting for you.”
“Why did you tell him I was here?”
She shot me a dark look.
I smiled nervously. “I look terrible.”
“Well, you did just spend the last five hours in front of a hot stove.”
“Urgh,” I said, shaking my head. “I can’t go out there.”
“Of course, you can,” she said, in a calming voice. “We just need to fix you up a bit, that’s all.”
“It won’t help.”
“Sorry,” she said firmly. “We don’t have time for your insecurity issues today. Now suck it up and let’s get on with it.”
Haley sprung into action immediately. She removed my apron before I could, and handed me a brush from her purse. “Brush your hair,” she said. “And wash your face. I have some perfume in my bag that you can use.”
I ran into the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. My eyes were wide and my nerves had brought a flush to my cheeks. I looked tired, but I didn’t look horrible. I did as Haley had told me and washed my face and brushed my hair well. I had a change of clothes in my bag, and I swapped out my sweaty black t-shirt for a sleeveless white one. Then I sprayed myself with deodorant and perfume and glanced at the mirror again.
The white of my new t-shirt significantly improved my appearance. I bit my lips for a little added color and then I headed out to the kitchen where Haley was waiting for me. She smiled and nodded in approval.
“That’ll do,” she said.
Satisfied, I walked out into the restaurant where JJ was sitting. He was dressed casually in dark jeans and a blue linen shirt that made his hazel eyes all the more prominent. His hair was thrown back to one side as though he had been walking against the wind. He looked like a movie star in my little restaurant, and the sight of him made my pulse race upwards.
“John,” I said, using his first name.
He smiled and stood when he saw me. “Kami,” he replied. “I probably should have called before I came over.”
“It’s okay,” I heard myself say. “Are you hungry?”
“I…not anymore,” JJ replied. “I just wanted to see you.”
His words sent an excited shiver through me. I felt Haley step into place beside me. “Sorry to interrupt, guys. Kami, I just wanted to let you know that I need to step out for a moment.”
I knew what she was doing, it was transparent, but I played along anyway. “Step out for what?”
“We’re missing a couple of ingredients for the dinner shift,” Haley lied smoothly. “You made up a list for me, remember?”
“Right,” I nodded. “Right.”
“I’ll see you in a bit?”
“Yes,” I said as she waved goodbye to JJ and headed out of the restaurant. I turned to him, and he gave me a tentative smile.
“I know you said you wanted a few days to yourself,” he said apologetically. “But… I needed to…talk to someone.”
His tone was thick with emotion, and I realized that he had sought me out in the same manner that I had sought him out the other night. He was looking for comfort, same as me. I approached him and took his hand into mine.
“You can talk to me,” I told him as we sat down together.
JJ was silent for a few moments after we sat down. He looked as though he were trying to get his thoughts in line. I stayed quiet and waited until he was ready to talk.
“I never really told you the real reason I’m in town, did I?” JJ asked.
I raised my eyebrows. “I thought it was because of your job?”
“That’s just the excuse,” he replied. “The cover story, if you will. It’s not the reason I’m in California, though.”
“Then what is the reason?” I asked, wondering if this was something I wanted to hear.
“It has to do with my family,” he continued. “More specifically, it has to do with my mother.”
I breathed out. “Tell me.”
“My mother met and married my father when she was very young. He was nine years older than she was, and I suppose he gave her life stability. The truth is I don’t know much about her life before she married Dad – all I know is that she came from a broken home and was looking to escape.
“After she married dad, she settled into domestic life. She had me when she was nineteen and then went on to have Peter, Alan, Sam, and then Talen. Dad was a good man, a kind man, and I believed he loved her to distraction.
“But I think it became clear early on that he would never be a rich man. He worked hard and long shifts, but we were always clipping coupons and trying to make ends meet. That’s how Mom used to describe it.
“I don’t know if that was the reason she seemed so…sad at times. But I suspect it might be. For us, at the time, we just assumed she was that type of person – quiet, somber, and reserved.
“Then when Talen was five, she told us that she had an aunt she needed to visit, a sickly aunt who wanted to see h
er desperately. Talen wanted to go with her on the trip, but she refused to take any of us. She said she needed to go alone.
“None of us really questioned her. Peter and I found it odd that we had never heard about this aunt before, but it wasn’t our business. We didn’t think we had any reason to be suspicious of her. All I know is that she left shortly afterwards…and she never came back.”
I sucked in my breath. “She never came back?” I repeated. “You mean—”
“She abandoned us.” His tone was oddly detached, and I realized that it was simply a means of self-preservation. “Yes.”
“John,” I whispered, reaching out and laying my hand over his. “How old were you?”
“Old enough to understand,” he replied. “It was hardest on the younger ones, though. At least Pete and I were teenagers. Alan, Sam, and Talen were all under eleven. They still needed her. They still relied on her.”
“And your father?”
“It destroyed him,” JJ replied. “He put on a brave face for our sakes, but the light left his eyes when she did. He tried to follow her, he tried to bring her back, but…”
“He didn’t find her?”
“I don’t know what happened,” JJ admitted. “He never spoke of it. He left a few weeks after she did and came back a few days later. He looked like he had aged ten years in the three days he was away.
“Peter and I could never pluck up the courage to ask him what had happened. We could only assume, and we assumed that, if he had found her, she had well and truly broken his heart and turned him away.”
“Where is your father now?” I asked, in a low voice.
“Dad died five years after Mom left,” JJ replied. “He got sick and neglected his health because he worked so hard. By the time we figured out that something was wrong, it was too late.”
“You were young.”
“Twenty-one,” JJ replied. “But don’t feel sorry for me. I don’t deserve the sympathy. It was my brother who took on the role as head of the house. Peter was three years younger, but you wouldn’t have been able to tell. He kept our family together all these years. I just…deferred to him.”
I squeezed his hand, unable to offer him the reassurance or comfort he needed. He looked at me and gave me a small smile. “Peter started looking for our mother recently. It looks like she relocated to California a few years ago. I volunteered to come down and find her. That’s the real reason I’m here.”
I leaned in instinctively and kissed him gently on the cheek. “Thank you for telling me that.”
He smiled and nodded.
“Have you found her yet?”
“Yes,” JJ replied. “I found her, but…”
“But?”
“I couldn’t bring myself to approach her,” he admitted, hanging his head down. “I’m not strong enough for this job.”
“Don’t say that,” I said immediately. “You are strong. This is just a really hard task you’ve assigned yourself. Be patient and in time, you will approach her. I have faith in you.”
JJ’s smile made my heart flutter. “Come to Colorado with me,” he said abruptly.
“What?” I asked, taken aback by the request.
He flushed with color, obviously embarrassed by the way in which he’d made the invitation. “I’m going down to Colorado tomorrow for Thanksgiving. All my brothers will be there. I was wondering if maybe you and Haley would like to join us?”
I smiled, touched by the offer. “That’s a very sweet invitation,” I said. “But we have the restaurant, and I don’t think we can take too many days off.”
“Right,” JJ said, turning his head down in disappointment. “Of course.”
“But thank you for asking,” I said softly.
He lifted his gaze to mind and smiled. “Thank you,” he said. “For listening to my sob story. And for not calling me a coward.”
“You’re welcome,” I replied. “On both accounts.”
His smile grew a little wider. “I should get out of your hair,” he said, rising. “You must have a ton of work to get done.”
“Are you free tonight?” I asked spontaneously.
“Tonight?” JJ repeated, with raised eyebrows.
“I would really like to cook you a nice dinner,” I said. “Sort of as a thank you and an apology for how I crashed your place the other night and inundated you with my personal drama.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“But I want to,” I insisted. “Especially since I won’t be seeing you for a few days.”
He smiled. “Then how can I refuse?”
“It’ll be late, though,” I warned him. “After the dinner rush.”
“How about a midnight dinner at your place?” he suggested.
I smiled gratefully. “Sounds perfect.”
Chapter Twenty-One
JJ
The picture was an old one. I had stolen it from the depths of one of the boxes that had been hiding in the back of dad’s closet. Its edges were yellowing and curling, and there was a distinctive smell that clung to it. I couldn’t quite put my finger on the smell.
Alice was the central focus of the image. It was black and white, so everything was cast in different shades of gray, but I liked it anyway. Mostly because she was smiling in the picture, even though her eyes were turned away from the camera. She must have been in her early twenties. I would have been around, maybe even Peter, but I was sure Alan hadn’t been born yet.
The photograph reminded me of a moment I had shared with my mother as a young boy. She had been standing in the kitchen with an apron tied around her massive waist. Her stomach protruded at an angle, and every now and again, she would run her hands down her belly as though to check if it was still there. I had been six at the time, and jealous of her stomach and what was on the inside.
“Why do you keep touching it?” I asked.
Mom turned to me and smiled. “It’s a habit, darling,” she answered. “I used to do it with you and your brother, too.”
“There’s a baby in there,” I said, as though I was the one telling her.
“Yes there is,” she nodded. “You’re going to be a big brother.”
“I already am.”
Her smile got a little softer. She turned from the sink and came to sit down opposite me with the breadboard in hand. “Can you pass me those carrots please?”
I did as I was told, eyeing her stomach suspiciously.
“You’re going to be a big brother twice over,” she continued, as though that were a good thing.
“I want a dog.”
Mom laughed. “A sibling is better than a dog.”
“What’s a…sib-ling?” I asked, feeling out the sound of the word on my tongue.
“A sibling can be either a brother or a sister,” she explained.
“You mean you could have a girl?” I asked, in surprise.
“I could,” Mom nodded. “Wouldn’t that be fun?”
“I’d rather have a dog,” I said.
She smiled. “Come now,” she said gently. “You love having Peter around, don’t you? You two have fun together.”
“He’s too young,” I complained. “He’s only three. He’s a baby.”
“You’re right,” she nodded. “There is a big age difference between you two isn’t there? But I promise, when you’re older, it won’t seem that big. When you’re older, a three-year difference is nothing.”
I looked at the carrots that she was cutting. “Can I help?”
“I would love some help,” she said, as she passed me a carrot and a knife. “Now be careful, darling. It’s sharp.”
“I can handle it, Mom,” I told her confidently. “I’m six. I’m practically grown up.”
“That’s right, you are,” she nodded. “How silly of me.”
I cut the carrots carefully, mostly because I wanted to prove to her how grown up I was. I could tell she was watching me and I wanted to do her proud.
“What will you name the baby?
” I asked.
“I was thinking of Sarah,” mum replied. “What do you think of that name?”
“It’s a girl’s name,” I said, with distaste.
“Wouldn’t you like a little sister?”
“I like dogs.”
Mom laughed. “Yes, you’ve said. But unfortunately, I can only give birth to a girl or a boy.”
“Oh,” I sighed. “Well then, I suppose it doesn’t matter what you have.”
“No,” she nodded thoughtfully. “I suppose it doesn’t.”
She looked at me thoughtfully and then she reached out and ran her hand through my hair. “Boys are pretty great, though,” she said. “I wouldn’t trade you and Pete in for the world.”
“So you’d be happy if you had a boy?”
“I’d be over the moon,” she replied. “Do you know why?”
“No.”
“Because of you and Pete. You two are so great that it makes me want to have more boys.”
“How many more?”
Mom’s smile widened. “I don’t know, darling. This one might be your last sibling.”
“Oh,” I said. “Good.”
“Good?”
“You’ll be with the baby all the time,” I said. “You won’t have time for me.”
“I’ll make time.”
“That’s what Derek’s mom told him and when his sister was born, she didn’t have time for him.”
Mom raised her eyebrows. “It’s going to be different with us, though. Do you know why?”
“No.”
“Because you’re my little helper,” she replied. “You’re a caring boy, JJ. You always have been. You’ll sit with me while I cook. You’ll help me in the kitchen. You’ll keep my company as I put the clothes out to dry. You’ll always find a reason to be there, to be around. You’re not like other kids. You’re an old soul.”
“Old…soul,” I repeated, liking the sound of those words.
“Yes, you are,” she nodded. “And, I love that about you. You’ll be a great man one day.”
