I can tell Kurt doesn’t want to be there anymore, but greeting everyone and thanking them for attending is the polite thing to do. I want to wait for everyone to leave, but people keep milling around. Kurt makes a dash toward me when he gets the chance.
“Thanks for coming, Jayce.”
“I wouldn’t be anywhere else, Kurt.” We stand hugging.
“I don’t know when I’m going to get out of here. You should just go home,” he says.
“Are you sure? I don’t mind waiting.”
“No, just go home. I’m okay. I’ll call you later.” I nod and we say goodbye.
As I walk down the steps of the church, a car honks. It is my grandma, waving me over.
“How did you … have you been waiting here the whole time?” I ask.
“I came right back after I dropped you off. I wanted to make sure you got home okay. I didn’t want you to be alone.”
“Where’s Ellie?”
“She’s with Mrs. Johnson. Turns out Mrs. Johnson’s been missing having her around and was happy to watch her.”
I slide into the passenger seat, and we both watch Kurt in front of the church.
“I’m sorry he has to go through so much,” my grandma says. During the car ride back to Saskatoon, I had ended up telling her all about Kurt. She knows that he has been taking care of his grandma for a long time, and that he has lost the closest thing to a mother he has ever known. The car pulls out of the parking spot, and I wave to Kurt as we pass him.
“Why don’t you invite him over for supper tonight?”
“Sure!” I say quickly. My grandma stops the car and I run out toward Kurt.
“Wanna come for supper when you’re all done here? No pressure. I understand if you’re not up to it.” But Kurt looks relieved and touched that I’d ask. I get the sense he doesn’t want to be alone.
“I’ll come over as soon as I can.” Kurt and I hug again, and then I run back to the car.
“Is he a love interest?” My grandma’s curiosity is getting the best of her.
“No. It’s not like that with us,” I say. “He’s my best friend.”
Chapter 20
When I get to school on Thursday, Amanda taps me on the shoulder just before class begins.
“Jayce, I have to talk to you.”
My heart is hammering in my chest. I’ve had enough of Amanda’s snubs and I’m not up for whatever mean game she has planned. Sensing my reluctance, she adds, “I just found out about your mom. I’m SO sorry, Jayce.”
My eyes grow wide.
“I haven’t been a good friend to you at all. I was so caught up in my own drama that I didn’t see that you needed me, too. Kurt told me everything,” she finishes.
Kurt? Why is Kurt talking to Amanda?
“Why didn’t you tell me what was happening?”
I have no answer for her.
“I’ve been horrible to you. I’m so sorry.”
I look her in the eye. She looks genuinely upset. In fact, she looks as though she might cry, and something about that feels good.
“It’s okay,” I say.
She stands, waiting, hoping I’ll say more, but I don’t.
“So, we’re good then?” She’s wringing her hands and biting her lip.
“Yeah, we’re good.” I sit down in my desk, open my notebook, and pretend she’s not there.
When it’s time to write in our journals, I know just what to write:
If your so-called friends betray you, that is the worst of all. Trust isn’t a given. It’s earned. And until you have experienced what it’s like to lose a friend, you can’t really appreciate what true friendship looks like. Sure, you can have friends for all kinds of different reasons in your life. Some are great for having fun, some are better for confiding in than others, and some know you so well they become practically like family. Rarely does a friend come along who can be all of these things and more. True friendship is hard to find.
“Kurt, what are you doing talking to Amanda?” I confront him when I see him after school.
“I thought she should know what’s going on.” He seems unfazed by my annoyance.
“I could’ve told her myself if I wanted her to know.”
“I knew you’d be upset over this. Jayce, you need all the support you can get right now. You might lose your mom, and, if you do, you’re going to want Amanda around. You’ll want anyone who supports you around when it happens. Trust me, I know.”
I cross my arms and stare at him. “I could’ve handled it myself.”
“No, Jayce, you couldn’t have, because you are stubborn. And you don’t let people in. How can people support you if they don’t even know what’s going on?”
“Oh, so this is about me? You said yourself you didn’t think Amanda was a very good friend to me. What changed your mind?”
“I just know how hard it is to lose someone you love. I thought if Amanda really was a good friend, she’d see that she’d made a mistake and she’d make things right. Did she?”
“I don’t need you fixing things for me, Kurt. I’m a big girl. I can handle things myself.” I grab my backpack and sling it over my shoulder. I don’t need this. All of these people thinking they know what’s best for me. I’m done with it.
“Mom, you have to get better,” I beg her. I am sitting on her bed, painting her fingernails. She smiles and takes a big breath. I’m visiting my mom on my own, and it’s so nice to have her to myself.
“That looks pretty,” she says, looking down at the pale pink I’ve brushed on. “How are things going with your grandma?”
“I’m trying, Mom.” That’s all I want to say.
“She really cares about you two,” Mom tells me.
I nod.
“There’s a lot Ellie doesn’t understand,” Mom continues.
I nod again.
“I know you’ll make sure she’s taken care of, too.”
“Mom, quit talking like this.” I finish with her other hand and blow on her nails gently to get them to dry. “You’ll be out of here before you know it, and we’ll be singing and dancing around the house, just like old times.” I can tell Mom is thinking of a memory of us. She is smiling.
“You never did tell me what you thought of Meadow Lake,” Mom says.
“Your mom kept your bedroom the exact same!” I tell her. “You could go back there and be seventeen all over again!” We both laugh. “I even slept in your bed. It was a pretty nice place.”
“It’s been so long since I’ve been back there.” Her voice is wistful. She closes her eyes again, as though she is imagining it all in her mind.
As I finish my homework that night, the doorbell rings. I assume it is Kurt, so I throw open the door. I feel bad about how I treated him today, and I want to apologize.
But the person standing in the doorway isn’t Kurt. It’s my dad. He’s clean-shaven and dressed in neatly pressed clothes. His eyes soften at the sight of me. He’s holding his hat in his hands.
I stand frozen. Ellie is already asleep, so she will be saved from this encounter.
“Who’s at the door?” my grandma calls out. She senses that something is wrong and comes up behind me.
“Joe Loewen.” My grandma is almost as speechless as I am.
“Mrs. Nichols,” my dad says politely.
“You decided to show your face around here?” Her voice is curt.
“I had to make sure these girls were all right.”
“These girls are your daughters.” This can’t be happening right now. I must be dreaming.
“I know.”
“You haven’t made sure they’re all right their whole lives.”
I take a step back and swallow the lump in my throat. I don’t want to be part of this conversation.
“You’re the reason Eleanor le
ft in the first place. Don’t play the doting grandma with me. You haven’t been around either.”
“You took her from me!” my grandma says.
“No — you did that to yourself, by forcing her away,” my dad says.
“You were trouble from the start, and we knew it.”
“I admit I didn’t give her the life she deserved. But I loved her.”
“You didn’t give her that either. Where have you been while she has been in the worst fight of her life?”
“Stop!” I break in. Ellie has come out of her room. She looks terrified. She is clutching her blanket for dear life and watching us with huge eyes.
The two of them look at me with surprise, and then see Ellie standing there. They clamp their mouths shut. I go to Ellie and scoop her up. “It’s okay,” I say, soothing her.
“Come in and sit down. We’re not going to get anything accomplished yelling in the doorway,” my grandma says. We all find ourselves a seat in the living room. I feel remarkably calm.
“Why are you here?” I ask my dad.
“I’ve been worried about you. I had to make sure that you were okay.”
“It’s a little late for worries. We’ve been taking care of ourselves for years. What made you think that would change just because we learned the truth about you?”
He hangs his head down.
“I love you, Jayce. You’re my Jaybird …”
“I am NOT your Jaybird. That girl’s been gone for years. Does Mallory know you’re here?” I demand.
“Who’s Mallory?” my grandma interjects.
“Yes. She wants me to be here. It wouldn’t be right otherwise.”
I laugh a high-pitched laugh. My dad is telling me about right and wrong and making good on something?
“Mallory is his wife,” I say to my grandma. “They have a four-year-old daughter together. It turns out that my dad isn’t a successful touring musician as he led us to believe all these years. He lives in P.A. with an entirely different family.”
My grandma’s jaw drops open. I look back at my dad.
“We’re fine. We don’t need you.”
“Jayce, I’d like to be a part of your lives. I’d like to get to know Joelle. I want to have a relationship with you. I know I have a lot to make up to you.”
I picture us moving into his home in Prince Albert, being added to his perfect family life with Mallory and Maddie. It’s not that easy. Life doesn’t work that way.
“Go back to your family, Joe,” my grandma says quietly.
“I won’t. They are my daughters, too. I have a right to them.”
“You gave up that right long ago.”
“How about you? Why do you get to walk back in?”
“Eleanor wants me here.”
“I want to see Eleanor, too.”
“Over my dead body.” Despite my dad’s height, my grandma’s words stand over him. The air is charged with emotion. I feel like we could power the house with the atmosphere we’ve created. I pull on my grandma’s arm to get her to sit down again. He is NOT going to see my mom. At least my grandma and I agree on that.
“I am their father. You can’t keep me from them,” my dad says.
“I will do whatever I have to do to make sure these girls are safe.”
“Oh, bloody hell, I’m not going to hurt them, Elsa.”
“You’ve been lying to them their whole lives. How do I know you’re telling the truth now?”
Dad shakes his head in disgust.
“Why are you two doing this? And pretending we don’t exist? We’re right here,” I remind them.
“She’s right,” my grandma says. The room is quiet. We sit in silence for several minutes.
“I’d like the girls to stay with me.” My grandma looks over at me, and then adds, “If they want to.”
It hits me that staying in our own home doesn’t sound like it’s a choice. Is this what it’s going to come down to? Moving to Prince Albert or to Meadow Lake to live with my dad or my grandma? Why are they talking like this?
“What about Mom?”
Both my grandma’s and my dad’s eyes fill with tears as they look at me.
I believed that she was fighting this, that there was a chance she’d get better. Why are they so sure she’s going to die? Their faces look so sad, I wonder if they’ve ever believed she had a chance to survive.
I get it. We’re planning for life without Mom. Somehow everyone got the memo but me.
Chapter 21
When I get to school on Monday morning, the strangest thing happens. Random people are approaching me and patting me on the back or giving me a hug. “We’re sorry to hear about your mom being sick,” they tell me. I grip my binder tighter to me and thank each person for their well wishes. How does everyone know about my mom? Is this Kurt again?
In my homeroom class, Mr. Letts pats me on my shoulder and says he’s sorry that my mom is ill. “Maybe I was too hard on you this term, Miss Loewen … given everything that’s been going on.”
I am incredulous. But I tell him it is fine, that I should still be in class on time. I make my way to my desk and my journal is waiting for me. When I open my journal, I see his remarks:
True courage is looking in the face of adversity and deciding that you’ll stand firm. Sometimes things are thrust upon us that we may not be ready for and that we may not understand. Know that your formidable strength will carry you through. PS Having some of those true friends you wrote about will help as well.
The words blur from the tears that well in my eyes. I can’t bring myself to look up. It feels like the whole room is staring at me and watching my every move. I don’t feel like I’m a freak show or anything, though. I feel like I’m being enveloped in warmth and love.
Amanda walks into the classroom. Kurt is behind her, and he hands her a stack of papers that she starts putting on everyone’s desk. I was rotten to Kurt the other day and I owe him an apology. We catch eyes and he smiles at me. His eyes tell me that he forgives me and that everything is all right. Amanda looks over at Mr. Letts, who nods at her, and then she turns to the class and clears her throat.
“As you all know, every year our school organizes a fundraiser. We’ve decided that this year we will put on a fundraiser for cancer, in support of Jayce Loewen’s mom, who is battling this awful disease. There will be a barbecue on the last day of school. The teachers have agreed to cook all of the food. Volunteers will be collecting donations in the cafeteria over the lunch hour every day this week and all the proceeds will go to the Canadian Cancer Society. Please give generously and help spread the word.”
The class erupts in applause. This is Amanda at her best, organizing for a good cause, pulling together all the right people to make something incredible happen. It’s the reason I wanted to be her friend in the first place. She is generous and has a big heart, and I know she’s the reason I’ve been receiving all of this newfound support.
I wipe the tears that are falling down my cheeks and head toward her. She starts to cry, and pulls me in for a big hug.
“I’m so sorry, Jayce. I’ll do anything I can to help.”
“I know,” I tell her. “Thanks. Honestly, I mean it. Thank you.”
Other students join us at the front and put their arms around me.
“Group hug!” Mr. Letts calls out, and we all start laughing.
I’ve learned something today. Support can come from where you least expect it.
Chapter 22
Kurt comes over for supper again. He’s been having a hard time being all alone in his grandma’s house, so he’s been spending a lot of time over at our place. In fact, he’s with us practically every night. My grandma doesn’t mind. In fact, she adores his sense of humour and good nature. Their playful banter brings Ellie and me lots of laughter. Some nights we actually have fun. It�
�s like he’s become a member of the family. He’s even been coming to the hospital with us. Even though his grandma’s passing is so fresh, he says he wants to be there for me. In a way, he’s made us all stronger.
At the moment, he is taking Ellie on an airplane ride on his back. They are zooming around the house and she is giggling uncontrollably. The sound is like music to all of our ears.
“Is my dad coming by tonight?” I ask my grandma.
My dad’s been staying in a hotel. He’s been here for over a week. I wonder what Mallory and his daughter think of this; I wonder if they are begging for him to come home to them. My grandma has been allowing him to come over for short periods of time, but she has asked that he stay away from the hospital.
“How do you feel about this?” she asks me.
“I don’t really know,” I admit. “He is my dad. I’ve waited more than half my life for him to want to be here with us. Now that he’s here, I’m just not sure.”
My grandma nods in understanding. “Kind of like how you must feel about me.”
I manage a smile.
“I just want to do what’s right for you and your sister.”
“Why do you get to decide that?” I ask.
“Well, I guess I want to decide that with you. Your mother gets the ultimate decision.”
“I want to hate you.” The words are crisp and clear and plain as day. “You’re not supposed to be here. You don’t get to just walk into someone’s life and expect them to welcome you with open arms, especially when you cast them away to begin with.”
She listens, nodding gently.
“I want to tell you to go, that we don’t need you. That I don’t even want you here.” My face scrunches up, and the tears cascade. “But you take good care of us and you’ve been kind and helpful and you’re trying so hard. And I want to hate you. SO badly! And I can’t.”
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