“I know, Jayce. I know,” she cries. “I don’t deserve to be here. I don’t. But I’m lucky enough to be here and I don’t want to mess this up. I know it’s hard to believe, but I love you. I do. You will always be my family whether you accept me or not. And I will spend the rest of my life regretting what I did so many years ago. Now that I’ve been given this chance, I see everything I’ve missed and it BREAKS my heart. You girls are the most amazing things to ever happen to me.”
“But we were always here all along! We didn’t just happen to you.”
“I know. And you can hate me. Lord knows I deserve it.”
“But don’t you see? I want to hate you. And I can’t!” I cry hysterically. “Instead I start to love you. And what if you walk away again? What if we don’t measure up? What then?”
“Oh, honey, there’s nothing to measure up to. You are perfect the way you are. And I’ll never walk away. EVER. I promise.” Her body heaves with the intensity of her sobs. “I love you, too!”
She pulls me close and we sit embracing for a long time. Her arms feel strong and reassuring around me. Solid. Sure.
When we arrive at the hospital that night, Mom is sitting up and alert. She has some colour on her cheeks. Her hair has been washed and brushed, and it gleams like spun sunlight. She looks like an angel in that stark hospital room.
“My girls!” she greets us. She puts her arms out and we run toward her. She is smiling at her mom, and she welcomes Kurt, as well, when she sees him trailing behind.
“You are looking well,” my grandma remarks. She kisses her daughter on the forehead and smooths the top of her hair.
“I feel good,” Mom says. “How are things at home?” Her eyes dart back and forth between my grandma and me. It’s as though she can sense the change between us. The two of us smile and look back at her.
“It’s good,” I say. My grandma reaches for my hand and gives it a squeeze. My mom lights up.
“I’m glad,” she says, and I know she means it.
Dr. Maniah comes into the room and sees us all gathered around Mom’s bed.
“We’ve got the whole crew here,” she remarks. We all smile and watch as she examines Mom gently. “You are looking stunning today, Eleanor. Ready for some dancing?” she asks.
Mom smiles. “Maybe. I think it’s time I talk with my family though.”
“Are you sure?” Dr. Maniah pats her hand. Mom nods.
She swallows. We all look at her expectantly.
“I want to go home.”
“I think the hospital is the best place for you, dear,” my grandma says.
Ellie perks up. “Mommy can come home?”
“How can she come home?” I wonder.
Dr. Maniah chooses her words carefully. She looks specifically at Ellie and me. “Your mom is still really sick. Because she’s been in the hospital for a really long time, she wants to go somewhere more comfortable.” It sounds reasonable, but I know there’s more to it.
“What about the medicine and the treatments?” My voice is tinged with panic. She’s only just started receiving chemotherapy and radiation.
“Yes, Eleanor, what about the treatments?” my grandma’s voice is just as on edge as mine is.
“I want to stop.”
With those four simple words it is as though all the air has been sucked out of the room at once. I feel the magnitude of what this means. I want to run — down the hall, down the street, down to the other side of the world. But I know running won’t help.
“I want to experience my last days with my family. I want to feel the sun on my face again, the scent of the breeze. I want to watch my girls running and playing. I want to listen to music and look at the stars. I want to take in everything I can.” Mom talks with such conviction I know she’s been thinking about this for a while now.
“Well, we could get the supports we need in place at the house and we can drive back and forth for treatment. We don’t have to stop everything,” my grandma says. She is barely holding herself together.
Dr. Maniah looks over at Mom. They have an understanding that the rest of us aren’t getting.
“No, Mom. You don’t understand,” Mom says. “I want to go home. To Meadow Lake.”
Chapter 23
On the last day of school, students and staff are scattered everywhere. The school grounds have been decorated with white streamers and balloons. White ribbons are being distributed, and I learn that they represent lung cancer awareness. My heart swells at the sight. Amanda sees me and comes running.
“Jayce, we’re over six hundred dollars already and we haven’t even had the barbecue yet!” She’s practically jumping up and down. “Come, I want to show you something.” She grabs me by the hand and I follow her to the main tables where the food will be laid out. Tacked up against the side of the school is a large poster. On it are signatures and messages from teachers and students.
I stand in wonder. Can this really be happening? There are probably hundreds of signatures and kind messages for me and my family.
“I know it’s not much, but I thought it might bring you some comfort,” Amanda says.
I nod, brushing tears from my eyes, and I hug her.
“It’s perfect.”
By the end of the day, the fundraiser has hit a total of $1,836, which is pretty amazing for a school in a humble little neighbourhood. Amanda asks for all the students to gather around the podium they’ve set up outside. Mr. Letts sees me standing in the crowd and walks over to me.
“You take good care of yourself,” he tells me. “I wish you much strength as you take care of your mom.”
“Thanks, Mr. Letts. I will. Thanks for your support. I really appreciate it.” He pats me on the back and moves through the crowd.
The student council delivers a thank-you speech and then the principal wishes everyone a good summer. The students hoot and holler with joy at this signal for the start of summer holidays, and many of them rush off the school grounds at once.
Amanda starts packing up the audio equipment and dismantling the podium while other staff and students stay to clean up from the barbecue.
“Thanks again, Amanda. This was all so amazing.”
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you through all of this. I was so mean. I acted in a lot of ways I’m not proud of.”
“You were going through your own stuff, too,” I reason.
“No, not stuff like this. I was so caught up in trying to get Luke back, I forgot all about my friends.”
“And now you guys are back together.”
“No, we’re done.”
“Weren’t you guys kissing in the hallway a couple of weeks ago?”
“Trust me. It’s over. You were SO right about him. Let’s just say it took me way too long to come to my senses.” Amanda laughs. “I should’ve listened to you right from the beginning.”
I’m glad that Amanda’s moved on from him. This girl is the Amanda I know.
“What about you?” she asks me in a playful voice. “Are you and Kurt an item?”
“Nah, it’s not like that with us,” I say. “But he’s one of the best things to ever happen to me.”
“I’m happy for you,” Amanda says, and the way she’s looking into my eyes, I believe her.
“I guess I should tell you the news,” I start. “I won’t be coming back here.”
“What?! What do you mean? Back where?”
“Back to this school. I’m leaving the city.”
Amanda’s face falls.
“I’m going to live at my grandma’s in Meadow Lake. We’re all going. My mom wants to stop treatment and spend her last days there.”
“I wish you weren’t going,” she says. We stand quietly looking at each other for a moment or two. “Promise me you’ll stay in touch?”
“Of course
,” I tell her.
“Don’t forget your message board,” she says. A teacher has taken it down and rolled it up for me to take home.
“I won’t.” I smile. Once I grab the poster board I glance back at the school, taking it all in. I wonder what my new school will be like, if I’ll make friends. I wonder if I’ll ever be back here, or if this is goodbye forever.
Chapter 24
The car is silent except for the hum of Mom’s oxygen tank and soft snores from Ellie, who is slumped on my shoulder. A small U-Haul trailer is attached to the car, and it is packed solid with our things. Mom is sitting on the front passenger’s side. Her seat is reclined slightly to help her feel more comfortable. I keep studying her from the back seat, looking for signs of distress now that we’ve taken her from the hospital. I can tell my grandma is nervous about bringing my mom back here, too. We pull up to the yellow two-storey house, and my mom presses her face to the window for a better look.
Tears roll down her cheeks. My grandma loses her composure and fumbles for words.
“Oh, Eleanor … I’m so sorry,” she cries.
“It looks the same as I remember,” Mom whispers.
My grandma parks as close to the house as she can so that we can get Mom in easier. I shake Ellie to wake her up.
“We’re here!” I say brightly, and Ellie gives me a sleepy smile. She grabs her teddy bear and steps out of the car.
Grandma and I each grab an elbow to lift Mom from the car. Her eyes remain fixated on the house. I can tell she’s eager to go inside. We help her up the steps to the porch. Grandma unlocks the front door.
“I thought it’d be best for you to sleep in the bedroom on the main floor,” my grandma says. “The stairs would be too much.”
Mom nods.
“Mommy, your real room is upstairs!” Ellie tells her. We laugh because Ellie knows it was Mom’s room when she was young, and, clearly, she thinks it’s the better choice.
“I want to see it,” Mom says. My grandma and I exchange a look. Those stairs will tire her out completely. As if she is reading our minds, she says, “I can make it. Just walk with me.” I know we’re not going to change her mind.
The climb takes a long time. Mom coughs and struggles for breath with each step. My grandma and I are practically lifting her small frame up to the next step to make it easier on her. We pause for several minutes about halfway up.
“Mom, are you sure this is a good idea?” I say. “Maybe we could bring your things downstairs for you to see instead?”
Mom shoots me a dirty look, and my grandma and I both smile. She’s determined. I’ll give her that.
When we get to the top, Mom swings open the door to her old bedroom. We stand back and watch her take it all in. She steps in and runs her hand along the posters on the wall, her flowery bedspread, and the photos on her corkboard. She fingers the jewellery on her desk. She stands staring at her drawings and the view from the window for what feels like ages.
“I left things the same,” my grandma whispers. Her body trembles with guilt and sorrow. I rub her back, but my eyes don’t leave Mom.
She turns to us. I expect to see her upset and sad but instead she is smiling wide.
“It’s okay,” she says to her mom. “I’m glad you left it like this. It’s good to be home.”
The two of them embrace. I sense the heaviness of my grandma’s heart easing with my mom’s forgiveness.
“Can I have some time alone in here?” Mom asks.
Neither of us wants to leave Mom alone. We step out of the room and close the door behind us, but we stay put outside the door. I shuffle my feet back and forth and stare at the marks I’m making in the plush carpet. My grandma fiddles with the rings on her hand and stares absent-mindedly at the ceiling while we wait.
When Mom opens the door, she grabs for our hands and we stabilize her and make our way back down the stairs. I see that she’s been crying, but she seems content.
“Since I’m not the seventeen-year-old anymore, I guess that’s your new room, Jayce,” she manages. I smile and caress her arm.
“Okay, Mom. I’ll take it.”
Mom sleeps the rest of the day and night, so I’m especially relieved to see her sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch the next morning. Her oxygen tank is propped up beside her, and a thick patchwork quilt is draped over her despite the soaring June temperatures. Ellie and I have our bathing suits on and we run through the sprinkler together. I hold her hand and we count down before each leap into the spray of water. The water is freezing, and it shocks our pale bodies.
Grandma passes by with a basket of freshly picked flowers, and I think of Kurt and wonder how he’s doing. I grab a bath towel from the clothesline. It is warm from the sun and it feels heavenly against my chilled skin.
“You are beautiful, Jayce,” my mom says to me. She’s been watching us intently. I blush and brush her comment off, but, secretly, it makes my heart leap.
“She is, isn’t she?” my grandma agrees. “That’s quite the young lady you’ve raised, Eleanor. You’ve done a terrific job.”
One glance at my mom tells me that this remark from her mother makes her heart leap as well.
Mom sleeps for the rest of the day, but she wakes up at midnight. My grandma and I are still up. Neither one of us had been able to sleep, so we had decided to play a game of Scrabble. We both jump up in alarm when we hear Mom stirring in her room.
“Relax,” she admonishes us. “I’m fine.”
“Just stay there, Mom. We can get you whatever you need.”
“I want to go out and see the stars,” Mom says firmly. We help her to her feet.
When we swing open the door to the porch, it is pitch-black outside. The only sounds are the crickets chirping in the warm summer air. The sky is clear and brilliantly lit with stars. They are bright sparkles against the inky sky. The three of us sit in silence on the porch, gazing up at the sky in wonder. I’m taken aback by how small I feel, looking at this incredible sky. I think of what lies beyond — what other galaxies exist. Is there life out there?
Mom closes her eyes and points her face toward the stars, letting the soft breeze brush her cheeks. She is drinking in this moment. I wonder if Mom is wondering the very same things.
Chapter 25
We’ve only been in Meadow Lake for a couple of days, and already I miss Kurt. Despite Mom’s illness overshadowing our days, we’ve had a wonderful time together. Mom seems happier, and Ellie and I are thrilled to be able to spend so much time with her. Grandma has been doting on all of us.
“Why don’t you invite Kurt out here?” Grandma asks me while we’re eating lunch.
“Really?” I ask. “That would be okay with you?”
“I miss him myself!” my grandma says. We all laugh. I look at my mom and she nods her approval. I excuse myself and start dialing Kurt’s number.
That afternoon, I help my grandma with yardwork. I pull weeds and water the garden. She even shows me how to drive the riding lawn mower, which is really fun. I mow the entire lot myself. By the end I’m dripping with sweat from the intense summer sun, and I wonder how my grandma has managed all of this herself for so long. She keeps watching me with a big smile. I can tell that, even though she’s grateful for the help, she’s happy to have us here, period.
“Iced tea break!” my grandma calls. Ellie and I come running. The once-frosty glass is dripping wet from the heat of the day. It feels cool and welcoming against my sweaty palms. I gulp my iced tea in seconds, and Grandma pours me another one.
We are flipping through old photo albums on the front porch when Kurt drives up. Ellie runs toward him, and he gathers her in his arms and swings her around. Even my grandma rushes toward him and hugs him. She pulls him up to the porch and welcomes him in. He goes to my mom first and gingerly hugs her before coming to me.
“You okay?
” he whispers in my ear when we hug.
“I’m good,” I say. I mean it. Despite the challenges we are facing, there is a lot of love and laughter helping us through.
“I should probably grab my things,” Kurt says.
“How long are you staying?” I ask him.
“Only a couple of days. You guys need your time together. I don’t want to take away from that.”
“I’ve made up a room for you, Kurt,” my grandma says. “It’s upstairs on the left. Jayce can show you.”
I lead Kurt to the room he’ll be staying in, and he sets down his bag and pillow.
“You have to check this place out,” I tell him. He follows me back downstairs and out the door, and we walk around the lot. “It’s gorgeous here.”
“It’s good to see you, Jayce.”
“You, too, Kurt. I’ve been worried about you.” We’re strolling along the perimeter of the lot along the spruce trees. “How are you managing?”
“You know, sometimes I used to feel resentful about my situation. Caring for my grandma was a lot of work. I just wanted to be like any other teenager. But now that she’s gone, I’d do anything to have her back. She was an awesome lady, and I loved her so much.”
“Kurt, no one could fault you for that. How many teenagers are also full-time caregivers to their relatives? It wasn’t a typical situation.”
“No, it wasn’t. But I see how lucky I was now. A lot of people don’t get someone like my grandma in their life.”
Kurt sees the swing and bounds toward it. “I gotta try this out!” I laugh as he climbs on the swing and starts pumping his legs. I think of all of the laughter and healing that’s taken place at this homestead in the past few weeks. There’s something about this place.
The next day, we all take a drive. It’s squishy with the three of us kids in the back of the car, but we listen intently as Mom and Grandma point out landmarks around town. We see where Mom went to school and the places where she and her friends liked to hang out. I wonder if I’ll be attending the same school in the fall.
If This Is Home Page 13
